Fattypants

2010-11-23T22:36:00.000-08:00

I got my last negative this morning. Our 7th and final IUI failed. It is really over and now I find myself just completely lost. Its like going 120 mph to a complete stop in just a matter of seconds.

2010-06-04T22:53:00.000-07:00

Cycle failed. Waiting on the next one. Story of my life.

The good, the bad, and all the shit in between

2010-04-01T13:34:00.000-07:00

Period finally showed. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

Dr. forgot to send over my clomid. Booooooooooooo!

Starting metformin back up and hopefully this cycle will be short. Yaaaaay!

Mr. fattys cholesterol is up. Dr is recommending meds, which according to my research can result in up to a 39% increase in abnormal forms. Yeah. That doesn't even get a boo.

We are deciding on what to do now. I asked the dr for the straight facts on mr. fattys risk of heart attack if we keep using diet and exercise during the summer and hold off on meds until September. I've got to to honest. I feel angry that he didn't really follow his diet or exercise program.

Another bad? I'm shedding hair. I think beyond the point of normal.

Trying to find more good in this week. I feel like I've been a bit of a Debbie Downer lately.

le sigh

2010-03-24T02:22:00.000-07:00

The last few months my periods have been fairly regular. So of course since I'm waiting on my period to start its no where to be seen. Its not a matter of pregnancy, its a matter of my body just refusing to cooperate with anything. Its like running uphill on ice. I will only wait one more week and then jump start with progesterone. Sigh...

How to get over yourself

2010-03-08T12:31:00.000-08:00

I am always responsible with money. We save at least 25% of everything. I like to be prepared financially for whatever rolls our way. The last few months have been different. Mr fatty talked me into letting loose a bit. So where did our adventures take us. Well first of all we started off barelling about a million miles an hour down this thing. This is the tornado. Its nothing but huge drops, tons of water and speed. I'm pretty sure he was trying to scare the blues right out of me. And to be honest it worked. Its hard to think about anything when your hanging on for dear life and screaming like the world is ending. Seriously so much fun.

And then I bought a car. Picture omitted because I haven't gotten around to taking it but I am in love with it. So what do you do with a new car? You pack it up and head here.

and do things like this

and play poker but to protect the losers I won't show pictures of them crying. I wiped them out. Somewhere along the way I did start to feel better. It was nice to have fun for once. Maybe I should take that as a sign to let it all go more often.

As for the entire baby making thing my cycles are somewhat regular but its not a strong ovulation. Lazy ovaries. I'm on cd 16 and start clomid next cycle. The first clomid cycle is really to see if I respond to it. Then of course we make the decision of where to go then. Dr is thinking two medicated cycles (the first being the clomid) and then into medicated IUI. I'm really going to try not to obsess. Hah.

129 days

2010-01-16T23:32:00.000-08:00

Its not often that I am left wordless.

The last few months have been hell. I rolled into a depression that was just so mind numbing it left me unable to do much of anything. I knew it was coming but usually I can resist the pull.

I am crawling out.

Day by Day.

On some days its hour by hour.

Sigh

2009-09-10T23:00:00.000-07:00

A lot can change in under a month.

I've been debating on if I should post this or not since everything Ive been posting seems so down lately. My husband and I are working our issues out and it was getting a lot better, but just within a few days we seem back to page one. I gave him back my ring. I feel naked and saddened without it. I'm praying things will get better.

On to happy things shall we?????

My oldest is turning 10 tomorrow!

Its such a strange thing watching boys grow into young men. I'm amazed by it every day. I must get some sleep. I have to obsessively clean my house before his party tomorrow.

Matters of the heart

2009-09-06T12:00:00.000-07:00

So with all my various odd things going on with my body we have come to the conclusion that pcos is kicking my ass. Most things are just painful (cyst) or annoying (hello moodswings) but the worst and most stunning was that my triglycerides sit at a lovely 786. The rest of my lipid panel was normal but apparently pcos can just blow your triglycerides to hell. Something to do with metabolic syndrome and severe insulin resistance and blah blah blah. So I'm on a MAJOR diet overhaul right now and its making me bitchy as hell.

I hate pcos so much.

Where have I been?

2009-08-19T00:44:00.000-07:00

Here and there is the basic answer. Somehow this summer is just taking everything out of me. There is a lot on my plate right now and most of the time when I open this to post I just sit here and watch the cursor blink. So lets do a list shall we?!?!?!

* My husband and I are working on our marriage and are making huge progress. Its not always easy, but I can see the light coming back and am starting to feel like we are IN love again.

* B is growing like crazy and doing well. The molars were hard. Its such a test of patience to have a tething toodler.

* We are actively ttc again. Its not going so smoothly. I may have just had an early loss/chemical. Its a long story and I end up bleeding for 11 days at the end of it so lets just skip that.

* I've lost 6 lbs. Its okay but I hoped for more.

* I'm trying to be more organized so everything won't feel so chaotic but it is hard.

Its like running in mud right now. I will pull out of this funk.

We did take a great vacation to the lake house which is pictured up there. It was a great morning. I wondered out to the boathouse with my coffee and camera and just clicked away. I'm thinking we might need another getaway soon.

AND I have over 400 post to get caught up with in google reader but I'm working on it.

2009-07-06T11:15:00.001-07:00

I keep having the same dream over and over again......just making a note so I can remember to blog about it later

We're not sure

2009-06-22T15:05:00.000-07:00

Nothing irritates me more than not knowing what is going on with my uterus. Boy what an opening line.

Years ago I started spotting out of the blue and it never went away. I've heard all their responses from its normal to it will work itself out. Well guess what? Its NOT normal and it didn't work itself out. As my period has returned on a somewhat regular basis I can tell you I still cramp like crazy and spot whenever my body sees fit. This isn't right. I just KNOW. But no one seems to take it seriously. So what is my next step here? I've run out of doctors and patience.

Show and tell week something or another

2009-06-18T00:30:00.001-07:00

Yes I know I didn't post all week, but I did dig through my blog and discovered that my 4 year blogaversary was on June 7th. Four years is quite a long time in my little world so I do consider it an accomplishment. So onto the sharing shall we...

Remember you can go here and join in or just see what the others are sharing

I had a few people ask me where I got the pic for my header. I got it from my camera. I took it when we headed to the beach last month. We went to this amazing set of tidepools and I just went totally picture happy. The first three are pretty self explanitory but lets see if you can guess what happened after the fourth.....

MMmmmmm pretty

Ooooooooooooh even prettier

Hello starfish!

Heh, take a guess what happened to Mr.hermit crab seconds after I took this. Yes, right into the mouth. You would think he would spit it out since it was crawling around and everything but noooooooo, I had to reach in and pull it out. Enough snack talk, go see what everyone else is showing!

Show and Tell time!

2009-06-10T18:00:00.000-07:00

Yay it is show and tell time again! It has switched to Wednesdays so go here and see what everyone else is doing!

One of my favorite things about living in the northwest is the fabulous sunsets. I caught this one on our last hike.

This storm was fascinating. Scary too. The wind and rain was so hard and the lightning was incredible. I was going to catch pictures of the lightning but I got sidetracked somehow.

Go take a look and see what everyone else came up with.

2009-06-08T14:50:00.001-07:00

A post is coming shortly. I just have zero time lately. B has food allergies so it seem like I sit and read and read and read about how to keep his diet balanced and where they came from. I have a lot of stuff rolling around in my head and I swear as soon as I have time I will get it up. Heh, I said get it up.

2009-06-01T02:45:00.000-07:00

Bear with me folks, I'm doing some construction so things may look a bit off for a few days. I would do it all at once, but you know I need to be on constant "what did you put in your mouth" patrol

Our summer challenge

2009-05-26T15:14:00.000-07:00

We thought we were going to try that entire baby thing again this summer but obviously the universe sees otherwise. (I will go into this on a later post) So instead I've decided to throw myself into something else. What is it? Being the biggest cheap ass I can. After going over the budget I see little cracks where money seems to be leaking out. Kind of like weather proofing the house we are going to weather proof our finances. I had mr.fatty hang a clothes line for me which I think is going to be the biggest money saver. It seems like we are running the dryer constantly. We planted our garden full of veggies and fruit so hopefully once those start to mature we won't have to spend so much on groceries. But really my mindset has just changed. When I go to the store now instead of "oh thats cute" my brain automaticly goes " do you REALLY need that". It's something that will take me a bit to get going because I need to gather all our info so there can be full disclosure. I'm not sure if this will remain here or moved somewhere else but I'm excited about this idea. I know I have personally wondered what people made, where it went, and how they budgeted and stayed on track.

Happy birthday B!

2009-05-18T13:51:00.000-07:00

Ha, right after I wrote the last post B fell and landed on his nose. It doesn't look that bad in the picture but now that its all scabby it looks so gross. And he also hit his head on the hotel coffee table. Birthdays can be a bit rough but it didn't seem to bother him one bit.

Since we were at the beach we had pumpkin cupcakes at the hotel. B thought this was okay, but was really more interested in what his brother was doing.

Ahhh, my two boys. Quite the age difference huh? Thank you secondary infertility. I appreciate it. Stupid ovaries. I've started to ignore people who ask me if B was an accident. This day we just relaxed and enjoyed our family time. I'm a bit behind on blogs...we are still unpacking because when you have an infant you have to take half the damn house anytime you go somewhere.

Perfect Parent Syndrome

2009-05-13T13:25:00.000-07:00

I have got a fantastic idea. Can we as women, as moms quit being so damn judgemental? I'm not talking about you guys. But lately I have been so overwhelmed by all the 'perfect' parents around me. I can ask a question about anything and I'm met with "oh my child walked at two months, composed a symphony at 3 months, got his phd at 4, and was able to recite all the names of the seven dwarfs in alphabetical order while blindfolded all by 5 months. Well, shit on me then. Yes, I'm aware my son is 'still' babbeling and he's almost a year old. Yes, I know he still falls down a lot. Yes, I know he is chewing on a twig.

Its too much. We ALL have our moments. I don't know a single parent who hasn't had a bad moment. Some of us are just blessed to have more than others. Can we all just admit we aren't perfect parents? PLEASE.

I'll go first. Today my son ate what appeared to be a beetle. I'm not sure, but the leg he had stuck to his tooth did indeed look like a beetle. Such are the hazards of gardening. Anyone else care to confess?

Anyone ready for a tmi psa about the penis?????

2009-05-06T17:17:00.000-07:00

I'm going to use frank language here. Just a warning

For a few months Mr.fatty has randomly been losing erections. He would go from fully aroused to flat in well a second flat for no reason. He didn't know why and I must admit it made me feel like shit. Like I'm not self concious enough now my husband couldn't even keep an erection. It made me feel unatractive and unwanted. It ruined our 5th anniversary. We barely spoke, didn't even kiss. Well you get the picture. So life is moving along and I make a routine appointment for him to get a check up. His dr ordered a full panel and then everything became clear. His blood pressure was elevated and his cholesterol was through the roof. The dr said one of the indications of heart issues can be sudden loss of erections. Well there is something I did not know. The dr said undetected he was definetly on his way to a heart attack or stroke. He is only 42 and maybe 10lbs overweight and exercises all the time. I can't imagine not having him around.

So now we have been turned a bit upside down and are having to change the way we do everything. Some of the meds do lower male fertility and for now we are trying to avoid them, but it may be something he has to do soon. Since mr.fatty had low volume and a high amount of abnormal forms in the first place I just don't know where this puts us.

I know this is common but it scared the crap out of me. We really do have to start taking better care of ourselves. I started by cutting out sweets and doing that jilian M 30 day shred video. It was painful....I definetly feel shredded now.

PCOS sucks ass

2009-05-06T14:13:00.000-07:00

Really it does. In oh so many ways. It just feels like this battle in my body every single frickin day. Not just to ovulate but just to bring it into balance. If I take a week off from exercise I balloon out. The adult acne is great too. And the apple body shape? Oh joy.

Seriously I hate it.

2009-04-27T13:15:00.000-07:00

I posted a while back how I missed spring and longed for it to arrive. It did come, although a bit late, with quite a bang around here. Everything seemed to open and just made me feel like we had infact come to the right decision. What decision you ask? Well I'm sure everyone remembers how I kept going back and forth on if we should ttc again or was our family complete. I fell into the complete category, my husband did not. Last week something changed. I'm not sure if it was that B started walking, or my ovaries kicked back into gear or I finally lost my mind....but we decided to stop preventing pregnancy. In June we will be moving to actively ttc again. I'm not sure how this go for us, but right now I'm just totally at peace with this decision.

In the mean time enjoy the tulips! I took this at the tulip farm and have a lot more I want to share with you guys.....maybe I'll get in for next weeks show and tell.

UPDATED!!! Anyone waiting for an update?

2009-04-25T12:13:00.001-07:00

Well me too. The dr returned our call but I was napping with B and missed it. When I called back the medical receptionist said I would have to wait until this afternoon. I have been in a full blown panic since then. Anyone want to pace with me? I'll update as soon as I know something.

B IS OK. His blood panel (and they checked everything) came back ok, but he is anemic. Not good but not really bad either. Phew. Dr said it is most likely a sprain and to use motrin if needed and try to keep him off of it. Yeah that should be fun. I cannot say how relieved I am.

2009-04-24T11:26:00.000-07:00

I really don't know how some of you do it. Moms of kids that have medical issues have an all new level of respect from me after today. It started a few days ago when I noticed B was favoring one leg and not wanting to crawl/cruise on one side. Then yesterday even the slightest bit of pressure on his leg would cause a horrible round of screaming. So today I took him to the ped and they ran xrays and they came back fine. Phew. But since the dr seen he was still pulling that leg away from being touched and not putting weight on it she decided it was best to do some bloodwork and make sure everything is okay. I was totally unprepared for this. Now keep in mind he had just screeched his way through his sore leg being held down for an x ray. We went into the lab and I was feeling like an ass. I knew it was needed but damn it my baby was going to be hurt. The phlebotomist was good and only poked him once. He did have to dig for a vein a little bit (Sorry B looks like you have moms crappy veins) but it was over quick. He screamed so loud I'm contemplating having a hearing test now....

So now I wait. I wait with a heavy feeling in my stomach for the ped to call with the results. I swear these few hours feel like an eternity.

WHAT?!?!?!?

2009-04-16T14:34:00.001-07:00

Nevermind. He's a butthole and I'm a jerk and our day was totally ruined. Ugh.

Show and tell

2009-04-11T23:50:00.000-07:00

**Cute baby pictures below**

Ready?

OK.

So Mr.Fatty got me a new toy and since it was nice the other day I thought we would go outside and grab a few shots. These were my favorites.

I just can't believe its been almost a year. It seemed like the time to get him went so slow, and since he was born it has gone so fast. I just can't believe it. So what are you showing? Wanna see what others are showing???? Go see mel and join in on the fun.

a lull

2009-04-08T21:26:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the lack of post lately but theres been two speedbumps

1) I'm having my first pp period. IT BLOWS. And my milk supply took a horrible hit.

2) To distract me from all the crap that has been going on Mr. Fatty bought me a fancy new camera with all sorts of bells and whistles so I have been relentlessly shoving my camera everywhere it can fit for a few days. I will post some pics for show and tell this weekend!

As for my mother she has been placed where she can get help. I had to take a step back and let people who have the skills to help her do so. I'm so looking forward to having my life back to what I consider normal. Thank you all for your support, it is what kept me from cracking.

Spoke too soon

2009-03-28T12:15:00.000-07:00

Do you know what happens when you speak too soon? Karma puts a big boot on and nails you right in the ass. I was feeling strangely optomistic after my last post. Sure things weren't ideal, but they were okay. I won't go into to many details because they are awful, but lets just say that there was an attempted stabbing, some hallucinations (scary ones) and an assult of a police officer and medic involved. She's now in the hospital, but they aren't taking it seriously. They keep labeling it as confusion. Its not confusion if she tries to kill you. The drs won't listen to me and I feel hopeless. I fear for my safety and the safety of my children and so for that reason she won't be coming back here. As for where she is going to go I have no idea. I have to walk away from the situation and that feels awful.

Does anyone have any personal experience with schizophrenia or any disorders of that nature? I really think that might be the case but need to know what kind of specialist to bring in.

Don't look directly at the baby....he's so cute he'll knock your socks off

2009-03-24T01:12:00.000-07:00

He's just so handsome its no wonder I have been bitten by the baby bug again. Yes, I was the one who was dragging my heels, but I think I'm about to give in. We aren't trying for a few reasons, the most important one being that I am still breastfeeding and haven't started cycling yet again, the second being Mr fatty. Since his first SA came back so crappy and improved so much after vitamins I decided that he should start up again. It will take a few months, but hopefully we will both be ready at the same time. I think I'm ready but I totally reserve the right to flip out and change my mind at any moment.

As for the sitution with my mother its been tough. She was kicked out of the nursing home because her insurance won't cover it. She didn't have any friends, and none of her family wants her so she is here and I'm her caregiver at this point. She is such a pain in my ass. She refuses to drink water or eat anything besides sweets (she is diabetic) and most of the time doesn't take her meds. I'm just having a hard time. I treat her will respect and compassion but its. just. hard. We don't know how long this will go on so I'm trying to prepare for the long haul. I'm looking into counseling about the entire issue and we'll see how that goes.

The class of 2008

2009-03-12T14:05:00.000-07:00

I cant post much right now due to a screaming baby right now but I'm so glad I can be part of this. Go visit the class of 08

http://cibele-hopeful.blogspot.com/2009/03/class-of-2008.html

a lapse in the suckiness

2009-03-06T01:49:00.000-08:00

Today all is good. I played with my kids and spent a great evening with my husband. After yesterday (truly the shittiest day ever) it just felt great. I know tomorrow will most likely not be anything like today, but for a just a moment I'm enjoying all the wonderful things around me.

2009-02-24T13:47:00.000-08:00

Sorry I kind of left everything hanging, but I have been quite busy. So she did infact make it off the ventilator. She stayed in the ICU for a bit. During that time it was discovered she is having some issues mentally. She cannot remember a good portion of anything. She cannot walk, dress herself or basicly do anything. She is slowly learning how to talk again. The drs have said it appears to be some form of alzheimers (sp?) but we won't know more until there is some testing done. The shittiest part of all of it is that we had to put her in a nursing home. I just don't have the time or strength to care for her. I don't know why I'm so conflicted since she never gave a shit about me, but I am. So everyday I go see her. Some days she remembers me, some she doesn't. I just sit there and wonder how differently all of this could have gone.

blink

2009-02-09T01:43:00.000-08:00

I've been trying to get a post out for about half an hour now but I just sat here and watched the stupid cursor blinking.

I've spent the last few days listening to varios machines beep and moan, watching the steady jump of the ventilator tubes, and wondering what the lesson for me in all this is. They are discussing withdrawing support but are leaving the decision to me. Well. I just don't know what to type after that.

Today as I brushed her hair out I wondered how she ended up this way. How long was she on the floor gasping for air before someone noticed.

The nurse told me the only words she actually got out once she got in there was something about her grandsons.

I can't let go of the feeling that she deserves a chance to get to know them more and watch them grow.

So for now I sit and think. I just can't even think straight. How do you decide what to do with someones life. HOW?

Thanks for the comments and prayers. We appreciate every single one. I will try to get caught up on blogs tomorrow.

2009-02-04T19:47:00.000-08:00

My mother is dying. She has been in the icu since yesterday. Her kidneys are failing and her lungs are a mess. Her heart stopped twice already today. They called me and when I arrived I realized I was the only one she had. Yes she wasn't a good mother. Yes, she neglected and abused me. But still she gave me life. How do you comfort someone that never nurtured you? I'm just so lost right now.

drive by posting

2009-01-26T13:33:00.000-08:00

This will have to be quick. Seriously this week has been so busy I have barely had time to pee.

*B is into EVERYTHING. As I speak he's destroying many things. Besides just crawling he is pulling up and cruising.

*We did come to a decision on the baby making process. Next september we will go straight into IUIs again. No need wasting time. Three shots then I call foul and we are done.

*Wei.ght W.atchers is seriously the best thing I have ever done for myself. I've been losing without any drop in milk supply. I feel great.

*In the two minutes it has taken me to type this B has managed to pull 4 things off a shelf, hide my cell phone, and bite my toe. Yeah its going to be one of those days.

I'm sprung

2009-01-18T13:25:00.000-08:00

It's time to share again everyone for those who don't play along just click that very attractive icon and come share with all of us.

Today is cold shitty outside. No way around that. Its windy and frigid and sitting here all bundled up makes me long for spring. So today I thought I would share two of my favorite flowers from my garden.

First there is this one which was really that orange. Its not altered. The funny part is I planted white ones so imagine my suprise when this came popping out.

Next is this geranium. Its just so lovely to look at. It grows so quietly by the fence until it just erupts with color all at once.

And alas, poor Darwin is ready for spring too. He says its too damn cold for cats, and all the wind is messing his fur.

So there it is. I miss spring. Now I'm off to see what everyone else is sharing.

fatty

2009-01-13T01:18:00.000-08:00

Scales can be mean little shits. It has come to my attention lately that I need to start up with the weight loss again. I can feel I'm too heavy again. I feel it in my bones and joints. So I have taken it upon myself to restart my old diet system and ack.....maybe even sign up for the plan. You know, the plan. The one with the w's that is usually located next to buffets. Seriouly why do they do that.

I'm a stress eater. I eat mostly at night when I'm online. A snack here and there can quickly add up. As are my flabby rolls. For a while I used the entire baby thing as an excuse, but he will be 8 months soon. How long can I use that excuse. I feel slobby and unkept. I'm sweaty and hot all the time and its kind of gross. I want to be healthy again so here we go. Can I just whine a little bit that I'm going to miss cocoa? I've been having some every morning and it just blows that I can't have it anymore. I'd almost rather lose a limb.

To update on B he has quite a few teeth now. They keep popping up like that whack a mole game. He seems to be happier the last few days which is helping a LOT. Tonight he pulled up for the first time! And although his left foot was in a weird position he did a fine job. Mom's cell phone can be quite the motivator. He also likes to stand and can do so for a short time unsupported. Tomorrow he has an appointment with the ped and his first vaccine. I know I will cry so I'm taking the tissues with me. Its almost 2 so I should head to bed.

And hey did you know its delurking week? Come out come out where ever you are.

Funk.....serious whining ahead

2009-01-07T23:42:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure if it is the weather or what but I feel stuck. I've been sitting here for what seems forever just staring at the screen. My husband told me over coffee the other morning he still thinks of the baby we lost. Its funny because when we were in the trenches he was the one encouraging me to get over it, and now he's the one that can't seem to. Maybe miscarriage is what is making me stall on moving forward with the entire trying for a baby thing again. I'm not sure my heart can take it again. As a matter of fact I'm pretty sure it can't. My appointment with my ob/gyn is soon and I know this is something that will be coming up. I think she will push the medicated IUI route again and I'm not ready. I know I keep going back and forth but its hard because I just want to enjoy B right now. I just want to hold him and smell him and listen to him laugh. I don't want to think about pills and blood test and speculums. Everyone is pressuring us right now and I just want to scream and pull my hair out. I'm also worried my husband truly won't be happy with just being a family of four. I know we need to have a long talk and put it all out on the table but we are working through so much already. Its just all so mind consuming.

I've been a bad commentor. I've been reading, just too crappy headed to respond.

Excitement abounds

2009-01-02T13:21:00.000-08:00

So new years eve was just rockin around here. B went to bed early and so did we. Everyone was tucked in by 11. Now thats what I call a happy ending to a year.

On another note I know I don't blog much about my oldest son (almost 10 ) on here but I just wanted to add how much I love him. I was reading this morning and it brought so much back to me. I'm so glad I left K and decided to do it all on my own.

Not much else, I have a lot of blogs to catch up on....

Pressure

2008-12-30T13:41:00.000-08:00

Yesterday my nephew asked me what my new years resolution was. Those that have been with me for a while know I never set them. The last thing I need in my life is more pressure to do something I can't already fit into my day. Am I the only one that thinks this is a truly rediculous tradition. Most resolutions aren't kept anyway. In my life I have found that small goals made day to day add up to much bigger results. Instead I use this as a time of reflection to look back on the year and really take in all that has happened. I try to find the good so that when I think back on the year I don't see all the negatives and what I didn't accomplish.

This year I brought home the ultimate prize so everything else just doesn't seem to matter. Sure my pants still don't fit, my laundry is usually a load or two behind and I haven't mopped the bathroom in over a week. None of it matters. In years past it was harder to see the positives but I always managed to find one or two amongst the shit heap. So I ask all of you, what was a good thing that happened this year?

The weather outside is frightful

2008-12-17T13:30:00.001-08:00

Anyone else not able to upload pics? Stupid blogger.

Anyway, thank you for all the well wishes for B. He is feeling better after lots of rounds of steam and fresh air. It was tough because I couldn't sleep. I was scared to death he was going to stop breathing. It wasn't just a slight fear either it was a paralyzing fear. I guess the worrying never stops.

So now that B is napping away I thought I'd take a moment to catch my breath and do a few updates. First of all the weather is total shit here. We have been snow/iced in for a few days now and it doesn't seem to want to stop. The first day was fun but now we have a bit of cabin fever. Mr fattys window got stuck in the down position so he's been driving to work at 4 am with the window half down while its 16 degrees outside. Would not want to be him. I have this mental picture of him looking like jack frost from the santa clause 3 movie. But much more asian.

I apparently love self torture because I invited the entire family to our house for christmas eve dinner and the gift exchange. So today I made the menu up. Seriously I am overdoing myself but we all love food so it will be worth the effort. We are having turkey and all the crap that goes with it, lasagna, and of course those pioneer woman cinnamon rolls every one dies for. It will be nice to have everyone here for B's first holiday. Of course I wish my family could be there, but that is an enitirely differnt can of worms.

Thank you all for the support on the angel giving trees post! And to the person who emailed me to remain anonymous I won't out you, but your generosity to your neighborhood should be celebrated! I delivered our gifts to the tree over the weekend and after taking up money from all the family we were able to get everything they asked for and a bit more. Even our oldest (D) got into it and donated his allowance. There will be many happy kids this year.

On the entire expanding our family subject we talked it over last night and decided that after I'm done breastfeeding we will see what happens for the first 6 months and then take it from there. I think we are to the point where we want to try for a bit, but aren't willing to go the entire IUI/additional procedures again. At this point I feel like our family could be complete. Another would be great, but I would be content with our boys. I guess I'm kind of thinking that trying for another might be pressing our luck.

I know this is a hard time of year for many....boy do I know. After miscarrying a few years ago right before the holidays I know it can be uber shitty. For all of you still in the mix of all the shit I will be taking names/prayer request with me to temple next week. I'll have the monks say a blessing for you and take in the white hope flowers too. Let me know if you want to be part of it.

So tired

2008-12-15T13:04:00.000-08:00

Seriously can't even think right now. B has been sick with croup AND his top left tooth is trying to break through. His gum is all swollen and red and he is coughing like a seal. And on top of that he has been sleeping like crap. Right now he's sleeping soundly on his dads lap and we are terriffied to move him. Must....google....croup...

Toxicity and a way you can help

2008-12-10T15:33:00.000-08:00

I think I've blogged before about my toxic mother. You remember her...the one that refused to spend $8 on a bra for me and I was pointed at and laughed at during gym. The one that thought cigarettes were a better investment then school supplies. Lets face it, I could go on forever. But there IS a point. Keep reading.....

I never got christmas gifts. Sometimes a kind neighbor would bring us a tree, but that was about it. When I was about 8 and my sister was 1 she started going to various charities that put our names on those christmas trees you see everywhere. When I was 8 I got a pair of socks. When I was 9, 10, 11, 12 I recieved nothing. I guess my tag was never pulled off the tree. I remember how I cried those years. Lets not even talk about what it was like going back to school and hearing everyone talk about their holidays. My sister, being the youngest always seemed to get stuff. Every year I would tell myself not to get my hopes up, but when I would watch her open her gifts and I had nothing it made me sob. Even to this day it makes me sad. Now when I was thirteen pogoballs were all the rage. I wanted one so bad. On christmas day the lady came to our house and brought a food box. Then she went out to her trunk and brought in 4 gifts. Imagine my suprise when one was for me. The next morning I was so happy and excited just to have something and I almost died when I opened it and it was a pogoball! It was yellow and black and oh so beautiful. Then I cried. Not tears of pain, but tears of happiness because I knew that someone CARED.

The point to all of this? I know we are all facing tighter finances this year....but if you can, please pull a kids tag off of a tree. It makes more of a difference than you will ever know. It may just make someone believe they are loved.

No creme for me......but finally I'm adding B's birthstory!

2008-12-07T02:03:00.000-08:00

I was just looking back at my post and I couldn't find one for creme de la creme because I was a really shitty blogger this year. Horrid. Bad blogger. But I learned a few things. One...holy cow I have been blogging for 3 and a half years! For some reason I didn't think it was that long...and two.....I never posted B's birthstory. Since I can't undo all the non blogging I did this year I'll settle for the birthstory.

For the weeks leading up to my induction I was blowing kidney stones like it was no ones businees. I kept drinking lots of water and walking (to keep fluid moving) but it was just useless. At my last ob appointment I was offered an induction. Now usually I like to let things happen naturally but I had quite enough of all that nonesense so we set a date. I went home and finally started getting baby stuff out. Oh yes, my fear of baby items went that deep. I tried to get caught up on sleep but it was no use so we spent the last day at the mall walking, eating cinnabons, and seeing movies.

May 14th at 11:30 pm I went into labor and delivery scared as hell. My husband at this point was just ready to hold our son. Me? Every step was hesitation. They checked me in, calmed me down and inserted that crap that makes you dialate. They broke my water about 3 in the morning and my contractions set in. But this was a bit different than labor with my oldest. This was like a raccoon was trying to claw its way out of my lower back. I was dialating and he was coming down at an acceptable rate, but he was turned the wrong way. I got on the ball, walked the halls, spent an hour on all fours....anything you could think of but this stubborn little boy would just not budge. After about 9 hours I begged for mercy and got an epidural. Only one word can describe it. Heaven. Seriously now I wonder why I didn't get one with my oldest. If I ever have another child I will go into L&D wearing an I heart my anesthesiologist tshirt. I had go get his lunch while they did the epidural because he is seriously squeemish. OH, did I mention that the kind midwives were nice enough to not only feed me breakfast, but sneak me a bit of lunch too? I loved those women, especially when they came in bearing snacks.

Now where was I? Oh yeah, heaven. So when my husband came in I was totally numbed and smiling. He ate and we talked and I was finally able to relax. He dozed off watching golf and I got situated to take a nap. But then something odd happened. About 45 minutes after my epidural I started feeling some pain. My husband heard me moaning and woke up. A nurse came in and said maybe you need to turn on your side....I turned and the pain continued so she decided to check me. HOLY MOLY B was right there. And by right there I mean THERE. I started shaking uncontrollably (I've heard this is common, is it?) and she told me to resist the urge to push while she gathered the team. She left the room and I justremember how quiet it was. For a moment it was just me and my husband. I was shaking and scared and he was just comforting me and reminding me that in a few minutes I would hold the greatest reward. We kissed and he rubbed my stomach while we waited. And then the urge to push hit hard. I remember telling him I didn't think I could hold it anymore when all three midwives came in wheeling all the goodies. It took them about 40 seconds (not kidding) to get ready and then there we were. I puhed once and then they told me to hold it again. He was already crowning! They did this so I wouldn't tear, and I apreciate it because I didn't tear. I pushed once more and his head was out. I reached down and felt him and my husband of course had to tell me he had so much hair. One more and I was holding my boy. Yes folks, I can count the number of pushes on one hand.

I got to put him to my bare chest immediately and keep him there. They checked him out right on my chest. He was a bit purple and didn't give out the best cry right away but he perked up in no time. My placenta was big and healthy. Much to my suprise mr. fatty was very interested in it and asked the midwife to hold it up for him so he could take a peek. After a while they took him to the warmer about 4 feet from my bed and got the weight and length down. It was all so surreal. Even now when I look back on it, it feels like a dream.

The kaiser I gave birth at is a baby friendly hospital so baby rooms with mom and breastfeeding is highly advocated so B stayed in with us. The midwives gave us no issue with the fact that even an hour later we still hadn't named him. On the door they just wrote my name and B (for baby) In case your wondering that is why I call him B on here. His name doesn't start with a b. Within hours of his birth we were visited by a dr, two nurses, a lactation consultant and about a billion visitors. The ped noticed that B was yellow and had his blood drawn. It was hell to hold my son and hear him scream while they poked his heel and kept rubbing the blood out. His count came back at 11. They encouraged lots of breastfeeding and sleep. Problem is he wouldn't wake to eat! All night long I fed him whenever he woke and woke him every 2 hours. The next morning he was tested again (12 this time) but luckily he slept through it. Now I know everyone has their own opinion about circumsision but mr.fatty decided he did want that for his son so I agreed. B slept through it. Didn't wake for anything which goes to show what a great job they did with numbing him and keeping him comfortable. However that night he did not sleep at all. Mr fatty and I took turns sleeping in half hour shifts just so we could function. The next morning they let us go home. It was great to walk into my home with my own real live baby. For me that is when my fears started to ease. We had made it home.

Of course we had to go back the next day for jaundice testing again. His count came down to 11, but he had dropped almost a lb in weight. Luckily my milk also came in so I just nursed and nursed and his count the next day was 8. He gained weight quickly and his yellow faded. The first few days home were a blur of sleep deprivation and visitors. Hard to believe my little B is now almost 7 months old. It just amazed me. Speaking of which I should head to bed. Its very late and B is scooting and scooting and I don't want to sleep in on the off chance I miss his first real crawling moment.

Go fatty its your birthday

2008-12-02T02:11:00.000-08:00

Sunday I turned 31. It is a very unexciting birthday if you ask me. We had a delicious crab dinner and some sinful cake. After the kids went to bed we also split a bottle of wine. All good things. So now I'm sitting here researching tummy tucks because I have decided for my 35th birthday I will be getting one. If the boobs have started to sag they will be lifted too. It may be vain, but after losing 90 something pounds and having two really large babies I am not fond of my belly sag. I'm not one of those women that has really fabulous skin that just snaps back into place so a little nip tuck is in order.

Oh and just a heads up. You know how when your babies bottom teeth have made their way out and you are supposed to have a few months before the top ones start working their way out????? Total BULLSHIT. I feel sorry for B, he is having a hard time, but I'm trying to be patient and he's trying to be happy. We will get through this.

6 months

2008-11-24T22:08:00.000-08:00

Oh what a wild trip it has been. I can't believe these 6 months have flown by so fast. I have so much to say, but really don't know where to start. I am amazed at this being every day. It seemed just like yesterday we were headed to the ER and I was terrified I was goiong to miscarry again. I think in a way it all feels surreal because I didn't enjoy my pregnancy. Yes I know we all aim for it, but it was a time of fear for us. So much in fact that there is only 2 pictures of a pregnant me. We took them right before we left for the hospital. Its funny now because our house is full of pictures of B. Before it was full of pictures of D (my oldest). In the spring we are going to have family photos too. Makes me feel like we are finally complete.

OR are we? Mr.fatty and I really have mixed feelings about having another go at it. Part of me feels greedy because we are already so blessed, but we always thought we would have 3 children. At what point is it just pressing our luck? Am I really willing to go through all the bfn's and IUI's? And more to the point could our marriage handle it again? Its a tough decision, and one we should decide on before baby B weans. Well why we ponder all these things heres one of B's photos for all those who like to awwww at baby bottoms.

PSA

2008-11-19T14:51:00.000-08:00

I'm coming out of my fog for a moment. I just wanted to say everyone should go sign the petition for premature babies. Go ahead, it will only take a moment of your time. Just click that little pink button on the right. I know I am greatly blessed that our son arrived safe and healthy and there is not a day that I'm not thankful for it. Okay psa over. I must go shower the spit up and mum mum off of me.

Circle time

2008-11-16T00:06:00.000-08:00

Well this is my first time taking part in

Mel's Show and Tell and at first I wasn't going to, but after seeing this on my fridge I just had to. My fridge is forever cluttered with various things but every once in a while something makes me pause. Over the years many messages have been scrawled across our fridge, some anouncing a baby, some accusing others of cutting the cheese, and of course praise for jobs well done. I know its not terribly exciting but it i one of my favorite things. So come on now, go visit mel and post something and go visit others.

Holiday dreaming

2008-11-13T14:13:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure what has me in the mood but I am doing some serious holiday dreaming. Maybe its the turkey in the crockpot....maybe its the cold weather, or maybe I'm just excited for B's first christmas. (By the way if you want to try making dinner in the crockpot check out this lady for some fantastic recipes.) We have asked everyone to keep gifts modest this year not only because he's so small and needs so little, but we are teaching our oldest the value of money. We will buy each a big item they really want, but would like the rest to be more conservtive. And lets face it, 6 month olds really like wrapping paper more than toys.

When we dug ourselves out of debt we made a promise to ourselves not to do it again, which isn't always easy. Mr fatty has been DYING for a new tv for a long time. It would be so easy to put one on credit, but we hold off and put money aside for it. I know we are teaching our oldest a valuable lesson about money, but sometimes being responsilbe sucks. The only money we owe right now is on the house, and we are determined to have it off our back within a few years too. I know, its a crazy idea but with no car payment and no credit card/loan debt I feel it is reasonable. Interest is my enemy. But really why I went into this entire subject is that christmas is totally different for us now. It used to be all about the gifts. Now its about the home made cinamon rolls and hot cocoa, a mid day movie in our pj's, playing boardgames and going to visit family. Yes the presents are fun, but so is the rest of it. Its amazing how family became the focus once money left the picture. So my question to all of you is what are you looking forward to this year? What are your most valued traditions?

The things that keep you up at night

2008-11-09T01:46:00.000-08:00

I just typed about a gazillion words about my marriage. And then deleted them. When I look back at this I don't want to remember my issues with something that happened a long time ago, is probably not that big of a deal, and something I can't change. Instead I want to remember this morning. Something as simple as a kiss and I love you in the shower makes me know we can make it through this. I love you honey and I know we can be okay again. This is my hangup and I need time to heal, and we know that can be a slow process so try to be patient. We are worth it.

B takes over

2008-11-04T20:01:00.000-08:00

Hi people, B here to blog for mommy tonight. I'm teething which means I have been alternating between crying my eyes out and flooding my diapers with poo all day. Right now she's sneaking a glass of wine and gathering her thoughts. I'm big now. 6 months on the 15th and 20lbs. I'm scooting and trying to crawl with all my might which makes mommy cheer and freak out all at the same time. She's working hard on keeping all important things out of my way and securing anything heavy. This is a good time to remind other mommies to make sure to secure bookshelves and tvs! We CAN tip them over and the results aren't good. I have other interest too. I like to stick everything in my mouth, pull hair, splash water, sticking my fingers in others eyes and noses, and tear paper to shreds. I'm sure this will be over soon and she'll be back to say hi. I should go, its time to eat. Mmmmmm boobies.

Eh

2008-10-31T23:06:00.000-07:00

Wow it has been a while huh? I cannot believe time has passed so fast and I have to admit this break I took has been good for me. And I just really haven't had the time. Anyone who has kids and blogs is amazing to me because I still haven't mastered the entire kids and showering everyday thing yet. Our little nugget is growing so fast. He's trying to crawl and has already started cutting his bottom two teeth. And he's just shy of 6 months! So if you wonder where I was I was enjoying all the baby hood I could because I'm very aware this may be the last time I experience it.

We've also been working a lot on our marriage. I don't know if I blogged about this before but we hit a major roadblock. No, neither one of us were unfaithful. It was just a lie way back when we first started, but when it came up again it made me question the entire foundation of our marriage. I lost a lot of trust in him and felt like he didn't respect me at all. It has been an uphill battle since then, but we are chugging along. Its funny how something that seems so small at one time can threaten come back and threaten the happiness of a family. I so don't feel like going into it tonight but I can pretty much garauntee (is that even spelled right) it will be a topic on this blog soon.

I'm also still batteling my weight. I couldn't figure out why I wasn't losing anything until I added up how many calories I ate a day. I'm lucky I'm not 800lbs right now. I eat when I'm upet so it kid of works into everything else. I managed to make it through the post partum landmind without losing myself in depression like I did with my first, but I did get stuck in a few potholes. It was hard to blog about because I felt so selfish being depressed about motherhood, but I am feeling stronger now. Hopefully I can keep my face out of the brownie pan too.

I am back, and feel like I need to post regularly again. It will be good to buzz around and catch up on everyone.

2008-06-11T13:41:00.000-07:00

I know it isn't the best picture, but its hard to get a great angle when you only have one arm in use. This little ball of love came barelling along on the may 15th. I was finally induced after a few more kidney stones and just for good measure some suddenly high blood pressure. My labor was 10 hours and thank god I had an epidural for the last 45 minutes. Back labor blows. Seriously.

He was a whopping 8 lbs 14 oz and 21.5 inches at birth. He lost quite a bit due to being jaundiced, but was able to gain it back in no time. He will be 4 weeks tomorrow and weighs 10 lbs 7 oz, and is 23 inches long. Yep, we have a grower here.

Breastfeeding has helped me shed the baby weight pretty quickly and 30lbs are already gone. I feel like the last 10 will probably be a bit harder to get off. Oh and a note for everyone fixing to have babies....lactation consultants are your best friend. Use them. Love them.

To me it all still seems like a dream. I love him so much I just can't even put it into words. Its hard to believe this little one is finally here. There just aren't any words to describe what an amazing feeling this is. Suprisingly it has finally made mr. fatty feel the impact of our miscarriage. He went through a small period of mourning for the child we didn't have, and is now fully in love with the one that loves pooping everytime we remove his diaper.

I haven't been on much because I find this dark little room in the back of the house depressing. Its to quiet and stale. Part of my mission to ward off ppd has been to keep myself in a good place and part of that has ment spending a lot of time outside or camped out in the living room in front of the big windows. It has also been helpful to let my husband know how I'm feeling. Granted it can change dramaticly within minutes, but its still helpful. I feel like I've avoided the abyss I fell into last time. Mr. fatty is getting me a lap top and the house wifi ready so I can be in different areas of the house. Of course its not just for blogging purposes, it seems that bills and many emails have been neglected since I've boycotted this room. I will be on a lot more once I have the freedom to roam.

I'm off again. I will be back soon. Thank you all for all the support and well wishes. I never would have made it without them.

Best laid plans

2008-05-30T13:03:00.001-07:00

I keep losing post!

He has arrived, hopefully this will show. Detailed post and pics coming as soon as this stupid site is fixed.

The elephant in the backseat

2008-04-23T13:35:00.001-07:00

Forgive me all for the lack of post and comments but I'm still on borrowed a friends computer and just really don't have a lot of time to do anything at the moment. Dsl repairs are supposed to happen this week so lets all keep our fingers crossed. I'm getting caught up...just really slowly.

Sooooooo. We have completed all the classes and such and on Sunday went on the birth tour. Everything came to a screeching hault when the tour guide asked us all about our carseats. Hrm. Talk about being put on the spot, and getting slightly embarassed. So after the tour mr.fatty and I went into that babystore. You know, the big one that is all baby all up in your face. After much feeling and fabric discussions we picked one and off we went. It was okay when it was in the box, but something changed when we took it out of the box and he installed it. Now everytime I get in the car its like a 5 point harness rear facing elephant staring holes in the back of my head. I'm an emotional turtle and so it will take me a while to adjust but I will get there. Mr.fatty reminded me not to take too long because in less than 3 weeks the backseat elephant will have a passenger. SHIT. Could I really be that close? Well since I was starting to dialate at my last appointment and I have been losing bits of plug here and there I assume it is true.

I'm still working on a picture post, but am hesitant to sticky up my friends computer with useless pics so I will wait a few more days.

Off to try to catch up on some comments.

Are we there yet?

2008-04-02T16:40:00.000-07:00

So sorry for the silence. It all started with the simple urge to get a new rug. It ended up with tearing out the living room walls, and in the process somehow totally destroying my dsl connection. Mr. fatty swears he didn't do it on purpose. So now I'm on the lengthy waiting list to have a hand dandy service man come out and fix it up. The house, however, looks fantastic. We remodeled the living room, guests room, and part of the garage. As you can tell its dangerous to have a nesting woman around and no nursery to focus on.

The pregnancy is going well. Had a bit of a scare and took a lovely trip to labor and delivery, but it just turned out to be two massive kidney stones. I swear I will never laugh at someone who has kidney stones again. Passing those was like having a volkswagon driven through my side. We have completed our childbirth classes and feel about as prepared as we can be.

I will be back as soon as I can with some pics of the new place.

2008-03-06T17:26:00.000-08:00

Remember shortly after my miscarriage I found out my nephew and his wife (I consider her my niece, but not by blood) were having a baby and was due on my due date? I felt so much anger and hurt and honestly like they had somehow taken my baby from me. As time has gone on I have grown to love their little girl, and just recently wondered if their daughter and our son would be close as they were growing up. As my heart has started to heal we have become a lot closer as family, but still in the back of my head I always wondered why they got lucky first. They are young and since I'm 30 and mr. fatty is 40 we aren't exactly hot young things anymore.

Today we found out my nephew has lukemia. He is in his early 20's with a new baby and is scared to death he won't live to see her ride a bike. Family is being tested for bone marrow type, but still it will be a while before we know anything. Now I feel selfish and I am so glad their baby came first. I just can't imagine him not being here.

I guess I should update on the pregnancy too....we hit a bit of a bump in the road, but won't know more for a week or so. My ob thinks I have cholestasis. Yes I freaked out but nothing can be done until we are certain. So for now I itch and wait.

This has been a long week.

Today is brought to you by the letter

2008-02-19T14:12:00.000-08:00

Yes, v as in viable. Believe it or not this was not the first thing on my mind. It was a call from the nurse that reminded me. She called to ask how the diet was going and to remind me of this important milestone. Have I mentioned I love my nurse?

I've been doing okay on the diet front. I lost 5 lbs almost instantly, but they said to expect that. I do feel craploads better. The only thing I miss is juice, and I suppose I can go 12 weeks without that. I suppose I should call and set up my childbirth class and hospital tour times. I'm still just dragging my feet. Two couples we are really close to are due around the same time I am and BOTH have their nurseries completed already. As they sit and talk about what kind of soap they used to wash everything I just kind of stare off into space. The showers are coming soon too. I really wish I knew if this feeling of shell shock is normal. Don't get me wrong. I am totally in love with this little boy already. I know he will be a night owl like his mom and judging by how much he moves during conan I'm guessing it will be one of his favorite shows too. But still. Its like my brain totally disconnected the idea of pregnancy= baby.

Speaking of pregnancy things that might be taboo....I don't know if I ever mentioned I had a pretty severe battle with ppd after my first. I always thought it was due to the fact that I was alone and unprepared, or that I had to go to work almost immediately or starve. But as I get closer I wonder...was it hormonally related? How do you prepare yourself for this? Maybe I'll ask mel to mention it for me. I'm sure I can't be the only one..right?

Quickie

2008-02-14T18:29:00.000-08:00

Just a quick post tonight.

I've known since yesterday that my 3 hour gtt didn't go well. I only passed each hours (and fasting) cut off by one point. My dr is putting me on the gd diet and I will get my monitor next week. I'm also anemic. So why didn't I say anything? I was waiting until I had eaten my ritual valentines day chocolates. We are going out for dinner tonight and tomorrow I will have to gag down eggs for breakfast instead of my beloved cereal. I hope the diet (and iron supplements) will make me feel better because truth be known I've felt pretty crappy for a few weeks. Anyway I will deal with all that tomorrow. Tonight its all about the chicken.

Happy valentines day to all of you!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, and I know I have a lot of comment catching up to do. I plan on doing it tomorrow when I am crawling my way through sugar withdrawl.

And now for a celebration of a different type

2008-02-12T17:32:00.000-08:00

Have I ever mentioned that when I met mr fatty he was not all that responsible with money? And that he had a mind boggeling amount of debt? We have been paying it off forever. Today I am happy to say I just got done making the last payment. Yeah THAT last payment. We don't owe anyone anything. We are completely out of debt. If I could drink this would be totally toast worthy.

Double digits

2008-02-07T14:34:00.000-08:00

Well we have less than 100 days left of incubation. To say I'm starting to feel a bit anxious is an understatement. We have renovation plans all laid out and are just waiting for the rain to lighten up a bit so we can get started. Well not we. Mr fatty and his golf buddies will be doing all the work while I will be in a suite at a local hotel reading tabloids and soaking in the tub. I know I know, it will be hard but I'll just have to suck it up and give it a try. I heard the hotel has massage therapist who do prenatal massage too. I might just have to give that a try too.

So it seems like the fatty fetus is keeping itself busy by trying to kick its way out of me and messing with my husbands head all at the same time. I can sit on the couch or lay in bed and the fatty fetus will just be rolling and bumping along but as soon as my husband lays a hand on my belly he goes totally still. What I can't figure out is how he knows its mr. fattys hand and not mine. Now mr. fatty did manage to sneak up on him the other morning and feel ONE kick. Yes one measly little foot jab. Before that you could watch my belly jump with movement. Hmmm. It truly is a question for the great minds to ponder isn't it?

I have to do the 3 hour gtt again on monday. Can you feel the excitement? We are skipping the one hour all together and just going for the gold. Mr. fatty will be coming with me so we can play cards and take turns jumping on the scale to see who has gained the most during this pregnancy. He has gained 20, but what he doesn't know is that I have gained *cough* thirty some odd*cough* ..... Having lost 90 lbs that sucks. Its a third of what took me a year to get off. I eat well, I just think going off the met and being on pelvic rest ( so no exercise ) blubbered me out.

Eh, time to go eat...

Today was brought to you by the number

2008-01-22T14:28:00.001-08:00

I never thought I would reach this point. Ever. But I'm starting to become a tad bit more comfortable. My dreams have gone from being dead baby dreams to breastfeeding and stinky diaper dreams. Beyond that I find that the doubts about this pregnancy are starting to remain in the back of my head and only forcing their way forward about once a day instead of being the only thing on my mind.

I should update about the u/s too. Little fatty decided to cooperate and not only showed all his spine, but just simply would not be still. We are talking flips, rolls, punches and kicks. The tech was nice enough to keep scanning and let us watch for a bit. I've seen my chart and the ones from the beginning to about 14 weeks are just full of spotting and bleeding. But whatever reason she chose to let us watch a bit longer than normal I accept it and am so greatful. Little fatty did do the customary legs up and open shot so we did get absolute confirmation that this little one is packing a penis.

Did I mention we are not having a shower? It's really pissing a lot of people off too. I may be getting more comfortable with the entire pregnancy thing, but I'm still not comfortable enough to throw a party for a baby that isn't here yet. We are having a big party after the baby is bornwhich we will combine it with the traditional buddhist celebration. We aren't buying anything beforehand either. Gasp! Well we are going to get a car seat and a few outfits, but nothing else. Mr. fatty and middle fatty (our 8 year olds new nickname) will go out and do the shopping for little fatty. They are excited to go out and do this. Mr.fatty said it makes him feel more involved since the moms are the focus during pregnancy and birth.

Thats really it. Life is pretty dull in the fatty household right now and I'm loving it.

Screw google

2008-01-16T23:48:00.000-08:00

So tomorrow @ 7:30 is another scan. Today I called the clinic to recheck my afp results just to make sure I had nothing to worry about. Risk of downs was less than normal, risk of nueral (that is probably spelled wrong) defects was not elevated. So why the hell wasn't it less than normal too. Being the idiot I am I started to google normal afp results and spina bifida. The obvious down side to that was being caught off gaurd by pictures of post mortem babies with spina bifida, but also seeing that certain types are not routinely caught by the afp screening. I'm still terrified that something is wrong. Its hard to believe he is that stubborn already. I so desperately need him to turn so we can view his spine tomorrow. I'm stepping away from the computer now before my head explodes.

And the winner is.....

2008-01-13T15:00:00.000-08:00

For stubborn fetus of the year.....

The fatty family fetus.

Oh yes, did I forget to pop in and mention that at the u/s last week he was sound asleep? We are talking bear in the middle of winter type sleep. He just wouldn't budge, let alone flip over and let us see his spine. We go in again on thursday. Wish us luck.

Now I have a confession to make. Even though my friends think I'm nuts I have to admit I truly love having kaiser insurance. I know that not everyone has great experiences with them but I have. Whenever I felt off, spotted, or started bleeding there was no hesitation to do whatever it took to put my mind at ease. And may I add that my midwife is one of the few that understand why I just cannot relax until I hit the 28 week point. She understands in my mind that there is a huge difference between being pregnant and bringing home a baby.

Not much else going on will report back after the u/s on thursday. Wish us some spine viewing vibes.

The 5 day wait

2008-01-04T17:08:00.001-08:00

5 more days until round two of flip the baby. I've found that applesauce and or orange juice makes him go nuts so I plan on going in full loaded. I'm hoping that he will cooperate and show us the other view of his spine so I don't have that weighing on the back of my mind.

As for new years, I have no resolutions this year. Mine have always been weight or fertility related and so this year I'm taking a breather. No expectations. What I can tell you is that I am so happy 2007 is done.

Besides that all is quiet in the fatty household. The only exciting thing has been my episode with the epilator, but really who wants to hear about that?

I'm thinking of starting a password protected off shoot of this blog that has pictures and such so that I can post them, but still feel like its not all out there for the world to see. I will probably get it going the next time my lovely insomnia hits.

I hope everyone had a great holiday season.

Updates

2007-12-26T20:20:00.000-08:00

I really don't post a lot anymore and its not because of a lack of things to say. Its just hard to. Its also hard for me to post comments to certain blogs because as much as I want to reach out it almost feels like being an imposter. Its hard to tell someone you can relate to their pain when I can feel the baby kick and they are still struggling for a bfp. Regardless of all of this I am finally going to update.

I have been feeling movement for a few weeks now and it is amazing. Seems to happen more at night when I'm trying to sleep so I just lay there and am completely amazed.

Cervix seems good @ 3.9 and tightly closed.

My morning sickness has turned to mind blowing fatigue and nipples that feel like razor blades are sticking out of them.

I'm very emotional. VERY emotional. Just ask my poor husband.

Oh yeah, that thing where I said I probably wouldn't have sex until close to the due date? I'm a total liar pants because just days after getting the clearance we started going at it like rabbits. I find it both amazing and odd the fascination my husband has with this new body of mine. Granted he is a boob and butt man and right now I've got plenty of both, but I thought it might weird him out. Makes me feel better about myself though, which I need considering my hair is in a constant frizz now and my skin looks like I just hit puberty.

Hmmmmmmmm, oh yeah, we had the 20w scan. I'm the proud owner of a penis and set of balls people. Proudly displayed right away. As a matter of fact the baby was scratching its bottom too. Seriously a perfect replica of mr. fatty. We did however have a hard time getting both views of the spine so I have to go back in two weeks. The tech said not to worry and that it was normal, but I think we all know I went into worry overdrive. Now I find myself in a 2ww of a different sort. I'm trying to remain calm. I have the best picture of the baby smiling at us. I will try and scan it in soon.

Nothing like a kick to the teeth first thing in the morning

2007-12-19T14:06:00.000-08:00

I remember why I don't like morning news now. I'm sure everyone knows by now that britney spears' 16 year old sister is expecting. I'm just speechless.

The eve of the big 3 oh

2007-11-29T21:31:00.000-08:00

Not much to say. I get the feeling 30 is going to be a good year for me. We are leaving for our getaway shortly. We will be letting our 8 year old in on our little secret. Will update with some pics when I return.

Oh and I recieved the traveling dvd. I will watch it and send it on when I return.

Gobble gobble

2007-11-20T16:42:00.000-08:00

Today I did the unthinkable. I watched oprah. Really I just don't get it. I understand the excitement of a panini maker but is it really enough to make you shit yourself? Her favorite things really failed to impress me. Just because she has money doesn't mean she has great taste. That really gets back to the reason I dislike her so much. It seems that she is so condescending to everyone that is not a celebrity. It feels like the worlds biggest douchebag clique if you ask me.

I'm sure you all are getting ready for thanksgiving but since I am boycotting this year all I really need to get ready is a few magazines, some snacks and a comfy pair of jammies. I have no intention on going anywhere or doing anything. I'm going to sit at home and be greatful because right now I am the most greatful woman on earth. This time last year I was still in the shit hole of loss after my miscarriage. It is truly amazing what can change in a year. I am so glad I didn't give up. After years of waiting I finally feel this is our time.

But since I'm not going anywhere and am not cooking I REALLY want to know what all of you are making. Don't worry. Mr.fatty is bringing me back food. Lots of food. Well I take that back. I may make a pecan pie because I really just don't like anyone elses.

I would like to thank all of you. The support is just amazing. Its not like in real life where I have to watch my tongue. Here I can say what is on my mind. Every single time I have hit a rough spot its like the calgary comes riding in to help me make it through another day. So to all of you a big thank you.

Also while your at it, what are you thankful for?

Nada

2007-11-15T12:24:00.000-08:00

I've gotten a handful of emails asking what I was up to. I can sum it up in two words. Not much. My days are a blur with the price is right and fig newtons. Occasionally I actually put clothes on and go do stuff, but I'm really starting to feel that brushing ones hair can be highly over rated. We still haven't told anyone so besides mr fattys golfing and all of you in here no one knows. I'm in a sort of hibernation until the 18w scan. Yes, its only 3 weeks and a few days away.

I did however get clearance to swim a few times a week so last week I journeyed back to the gym on family swim day and let me tell you it felt fantastic. I was a bit envious of everyone on the elipticals. They were there getting toned and I was floating around feeling my arms get flabbier by the second. So what did I do? Retail therapy of course. I actually ordered a maternity swim suit so I would no longer have that sausage stuffed into a way to small of a casing look. It should arrive today or tomorrow and I'm hoping me and my bat wings will be way more comfortable.

Thanksgiving is right around the corner and so is something else. Now I'll tell you guys but please don't tell anyone else. On the 30th I will be.....30. Funny thing is right now I'm not scared of the big 3 0 . I am however not making a big deal about it because there will be no big party this year. Instead mr.fatty is taking me to a nice hotel and treating me to some spa treatments. I'm so excited. Did I mention I love that man? Mmmmmmm back to thanksgiving. I will be skipping it this year for two reasons. One...I'm getting round and am not ready to make the anouncement...two...its at his sisters house and I just don't want to go. I am going to rent movies and wait patiently for my turkey sandwich.

Speaking of love......we have not had sex since the bfp. We probably won't have any until around my due date either. With all the bleeding issues we just aren't willing to chance it. Its very odd for us not to be sexual. It really does shine a different light on marriage. When we met we were together almost 6 months before anything physical happened and it reminds me of that time. Dinners out together are spent enjoying each others conversation without any kind of sexual tension at all. Tomorrow night is movie night and I don't even have to shave my legs.

so thankful for fridays

2007-11-02T12:10:00.000-07:00

So I thought I would get up and post and read a bit while mr. fatty is playing golf. He is taking this rest up and don't do anything strenuous a bit too far, but I know its out of love. Thank you for all the comments and support. I am going to try to catch up on commenting this week. I'm reading, but haven't been able to return all the comments yet.

Well tuesday marks the second trimester for me. Yeah, thats a big milestone. Except for one thing. They have always said that spotting/bleeding is pretty normal in the first trimester and won't be too concerned until it occurs in the second. Hrm....I am indeed walking a fine line here. While the red bleeding has stopped I am still spewing forth an impressive amount of brown and blackish goo. My dr wants to see me tuesday and if things aren't clearing up in there I guess I'm going in for a pretty detailed u/s. Yeah yeah yeah. I know I once said that unexplained infertility was the worst thing ever. I am totally taking that back. While it does suck, the only thing that sucks more is unexplained bleeding in pregnancy. Is it sad I'm getting used to it?

Okay other things.....as soon as any of you get a bfp let me know. I will send you a bottle of colace. It will be your best friend.

Also rent a doppler. So worth it. I think it is what keeps me from losing my mind. Just this morning I was amazed at the little heart beating away in me. I was also a bit concerned because it sounds like there is some major construction going on too.

Halloween was fun.

Okay I've just got to get down to what is really bothering me. I was pregnant this time last year. I miscarried on the 6th. Its messing with my head. But really is also makes me wonder what changed. For 5 years we had no positives at all. Nothing. We tried so many things and timed it so well. But something had to have changed because I've been pregnant twice in the last year. So I want to know what it was. After so long why the sudden change?

So those are the things that keep me up at night. I'm going to start posting regularly next week. I really appreciate all the support. It makes me feel like maybe I'm not so crazy afterall.

Quick update

2007-10-29T15:00:00.000-07:00

Well that was scary. I was still gushing at the ER. Enough for them to iv me up and prepare me for the worst. Top that off I had two pregnant nurses. Anyway. Baby is wonderful, seemed to be waving at us as a matter of fact. So while I'm freaking out and going crazy its nice to know its still comfy in there. They still don't know what happened. I spent forever at ultrasound so they could look for a subchronic bleed, or some blood pooled up under the placenta. Nada. What they do know is that prior to these bleeding episodes I feel a lot of pressure, so for the next few days I'm supposed to rest as much as I can and when/if I start to feel the pressure head in right away even if I'm not spotting. Is it possible I have such randomly bad luck? Okay back to the couch before mr. fatty gets upset.

wtf did I do

2007-10-28T10:18:00.000-07:00

for the last week or so I have had a strict policy of not inspecting the toilet paper after using the bathroom. I have been feeling okay, happy, and even bought my first pair of maternity pants.

So last night while I was sleeping I was having really bad cramps. Woke up this morning to use the bathroom and looked down. Big mistake. I'm bleeding again, and this time its not just a bit of spotting, or some drops here and there. This is like my period. I listened to the heartbeat on the doppler and it is good so I'm not going to the ER tonight unless the bleeding gets heavier. I will wait until morning.

I'm really tired. This pregnancy has just worn me down. Why can't my body just do this right?

Will update after drs visit tomorrow.

****There are now clots and I'm heading to the ER. I can still hear a heart beat....I'm scared my body is killing my baby.********

My big fat stupid update

2007-10-17T22:22:00.000-07:00

So I have had every test run you can imagine. Today luckily my wbc were back down to normal, and dr is pretty confident it was a weird fluctuation that can happen in pregnancy. Fine, I'm okay with that.

So off come the pants for another exam and she gathers up some of this discharge I've been having and runs off with it to check for bv. It is pretty common to spot while having bv I guess. So imagine my suprise when she came back in saying she was suprised at what she seen. I do not have bv. I do however have one major yeast infection. Huh. I have no itching. My discharge is watery and not at all cottage cheese like. So just to humor me she took another slide and off she went. Oh yeah, she said there is a ton of yeasty beasties in there. I'm just floored. I've never had one before so this is new but I thought the symptoms were much different then what I have. She usually recommends not treating until 12w but said I should start tx tonight. So off I went to the drugstore reading packages of crap I had no clue on. I picked the most popular 7 day tx and let me tell you I am not looking forward to using it tonight.

Now mr. google is kind of hit and miss on this subject. It seems it can cause spotting, but sometimes not. Well thanks for the help. It didn't help that I spotted after my appointment today but really at this point I think I'm over it. I'm ready to buy black toilet paper and call it a day.

The good news was that all is well with baby. Hb was 160 something at the office today. Mr fatty got to hear it tonight too. My doppler arrived and so I was anxious to show off my dopplering skills. I should come up with a nickname for this little invader. I should also put up a ticker. I'm aware of this. But somehow even though I have seen this little one and heard its beautiful heartbeat it still feels unreal.

Okay off to insert my yeasty beasty cream.

Aren't vaginas supposed to be personal?

2007-10-16T22:26:00.000-07:00

Granted I've not always been kind to mine, but really this is getting rediculous. So far I've had 7 different drs up in there. No, not since starting treatment, thats since being pregnant. Tomorrow will be lucky number 8. I'm so over it I'm not even going to shave. You heard me, I'm going in stubble and all.

So lets recap what we do know so far. I've had spotting that just seems to come and go, the most recent episode was yesterday. My dr ran a crazy amount of test last week that are now starting to roll in and I seem to have an elevated wbc count. Also the ph of something was off. Not a UTI, not yeast. So tomorrow I go in for another spread so they can narrow down what kind of infection I have.

Also, tomorrow my doppler arrives! Nothing eases the mind of a spotter like a heartbeat.

I'll update tomorrow when dr. number 8 has her head out of my crotch.

Time to remember

2007-10-15T13:59:00.000-07:00

Today is the day the world sets aside to remember the lost babies we think of every day. My loss is on my mind and heart every single day, but today it seems like its okay to be open about the remaining sadness. I still wonder every day what that baby would have looked like. Would it have the deep laugh of my husband or my soft one. Being pregnant doesn't ease the hurt. They are people and cannot be replaced or duplicated. So today I will put everything else aside and light a candle in your honor. You were so deeply loved even though your stay was short.

I am also thinking of all of you and your babies. There is no sense in the unfairness of life sometimes, but today we are not alone. Know that when you are honoring your baby/babies tonight the rest of us are there with you.

Phew

2007-10-10T17:41:00.000-07:00

ALL IS WELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've been trying to update but blogger is being an ass.

We heard the heartbeat by doppler, and then she did an u/s just to ease my mind. There is a very active little one in there. As for the spotting it seems to be cervical. She ran tons of test and really wants to get to the bottom of this. I do too. The amount of cultures she took should be illegal. I should know more by friday.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. Mr fatty believes they are what gets us through.

2007-10-09T15:55:00.001-07:00

I had a dream last night that I went to the bathroom and noticed there was blood on my panties. While I was sitting there I passed a sac. I plunged my hand into the cold water and pulled it out. Inside there was a tiny little baby with fat cheeks smiling at me.

I woke up to cramps. This afternoon when I went to the bathroom and wiped there it was. Red is never a good color my friends. I am terrified my baby has died. I have an appointment tomorrow. Its going to be a long night.

white noise

2007-10-03T13:43:00.000-07:00

I have finally figured out why most pregnant bloggers fade off for a bit. They are scared shitless. Seriously waiting for the other shoe to drop really sucks. Well that and I must admit there is a part of me that remembers the hurt that can come from reading someones fluffy pregnancy moments. I can't even think of my own without feeling a bit odd. So here I am, totally constipated, feeling like I'm about to hurl, and still bitter. I found it odd that I still feel such hatred for other womens ovaries. I will blame it on horomones, but really I just think that the bitterness of if doesn't go away. Everything else just kind of fades off into the background. At 8w I find no safety in where I'm at right now. I may feel better once I hit 12 w. I did however dream that I went to an appointment and they were able to hear the heartbeat by doppler, and it was loud. REALLY loud.

On to other matters. It is apple season and usually we go pick apples but this year that was a no go. So I bought some apples from the store and they were horrible. Cardboard in an apples body. I was rather upset by this so dh will be spending his afternoon hunting down some decent apples. I'm not a snob (okay I may be...about certain things) but how do people eat unripe fruit????

Halloweener is not too far away. I have mixed thoughts on this. I will miss out on the annual taking the herd of teenage girls to the haunted house and scaring them shitless outing. I went last year but didn't know I was pregnant at the time. Oh yeah, its getting close to that time and I have no idea how I'm going to feel about it. Also, every year I take it upon myself to scare the boys too. Last year I actually hid in the back of a van dressed like a gorilla for 10 minutes and waited until everyone was all setteled in to pop up and scream. The terror on their faces was priceless. Candy was thrown and screams were probably heard in china. I so love the yearly festivities, and will miss them this year. I know I'm baking a little sidekick to help me with future scarings so I am willing to sit this out.

Did I mention I electrocuted myself the other day? Well the stove did actually, which made dh flip out and so our new stove will be here this weekend. YAY. I guess thats pretty much a summary of life in the fatty household right now.

what a week

2007-09-26T17:35:00.000-07:00

Thank you all again for the support. I guess I have been a bit crappy on the updates but I was caught in a very odd place. The spotting stopped and the betas rose, but two times they failed to find a heartbeat. Yesterday the dr. that is filling in for mine just admitted she was horrible at it and sent me to the big guns. When I checked into the ultrasound department at the hospital my heart was beating so loud I could hardly concentrate.

They took mercy on me and called me back early. I had a nice u/s tech who only measured each ovary twice before we got to the good stuff. We did indeed find my little passenger, whos heart was beating at a beautiful 150 bpm. I haven't really checked with dr. google yet, but she assured me that it was great. I never thought I would make it 7 weeks, or see that little heart beating away. I am in total awe right now. And I know I have a lot of commenting to catch up on!

Mmmmmmm booktour

2007-09-17T21:31:00.000-07:00

Emilia often describes the intense physical and emotional connection between she and Jack. She often refers to him as her bashert. But after the loss of Isabel, and Emilia's spiral into solitary despair, that connection is damaged. This alteration is noted by Emilia when Jack declines her first offer of physical intimacy since their daughter's death. She becomes "terrified that I have become like Carolyn, cold to sex, unmoved by my husband, uninterested in the passion that once meant everything to me." What sort of relationship do you have with your significant other? Do you feel he/she is your bashert? What effect has IF/loss had on your emotional and/or physical relationship?

To be honest for a long time I wasn't sure that my husband and I were ment to be. We were in love sure, but a relationship takes so much more than that. It was going through IF and a loss that made me wake up to the fact that we were absolutely ment to be together. Sometimes it takes a lot of heartache and sorrow to see how strong your love and commitment really is. After our loss getting intimate was hard for me. I cried and felt empty. It took a while and a lot of love in order for it to feel right again.

Throughout the book my feelings towards Emilia were conflicted. If you felt that way too, why did you also feel that way?

It was hard to like her. My heart broke for her because I can't imagine the pain, but her coldness just irritated me. I've never read a character who could have me go from total sympathy to wanting to knock her out in under a page.

Emilia has a difficult time relating to other women who have had losses in pregnancy, usually because she sees her situation as different and worse than those women who have had miscarriages. She is particularly hard on her friend Mindy. Do you feel like this attitude was justified on her part? Are mothers of SIDs victims much different and worse off than mothers of miscarriages? Or can we all belong to the same support group?

I think that both pains are very real. I really don't think that can be in the same group. To me while a loss is a loss there is such a profound difference between being able to achieve and then losing and not being able to achieve at all. I don't think her attitude towards her friend was justified at all, but in moments of grief I know I have not always been the kindest either. I don't think one is worse than the other, they are just different.

We all have had someone in our lives like William who innocently says the wrong thing more often then we would like. How has your infertility experience helped you respond better to those "innocent yet wrong" comments/questions?

I don't really posess that ability which is why we don't really talk to anyone about it. We still get all the "isn't it kid time" or "have a kid already" comments and I have been so tempted just to get up on the table and scream at the top of my lungs that we are broken. We took years to concieve and then my body betrayed me and I lost it. I've always wondered what the response would be. Instead I just tell everyone we are waiting for the right time and smile politely. Its not their fault. They don't know.

The one where monday comes on sunday

2007-09-16T14:03:00.000-07:00

First of all the numbers...and then I'll explain how I got them

Friday: 7,930
Sunday: 13,535
Doubling time 59.64 hours

Its supposed to double every 48 to 72 right? And those are good right?

Sooooooooooooooooo here we go. Friday I went to the bathroom and there was blood. Enough to change the toilet water red and so off to the ER we went. I was checked and she said my cervix was closed but really red and irritated. Friable cervix and whatnot. Ultrasound showed a sac and yolk but no heartbeat. U/s dated me to 5w3d, which was only a day or so off from the charts calculations. Should I be concerned there was no heartbeat so early? Anyway we came home and yesterday I didn't have a lick of spotting. Woke up this morning to red blood. Oh yes, RED. Went in and had a second beta done and the nurse (who had a miscarriage in august) was kind enough to give me the number so I didn't have to wait until tomorrow. They won't however run a progesterone test and I am freaking out. I will be at their office first thing and won't leave until something is done. I really don't care if I have to go to a new dr either. I want to know I did everything I could.

So now I sit here, spotting, waiting.

Welcome to the longest weekend in history

2007-09-14T14:43:00.000-07:00

I should start by saying thank you for all your thoughts and prayers. They really mean so much to me.

The bleeding did stop. I am still crampy and scared. So I went in for the beta, but since its friday afternoon I have to wait until monday for my results. Now on sunday I have a repeat draw at a local hospital and I am going to try to pry todays results out of them. Funny how I went from blissfull to absolute psycho within 24 hours. Monday seems so far away right now.

Spoke too soon

2007-09-13T20:10:00.000-07:00

I started bleeding tonight. I feel crampy too. I am scared and devastated.

5w3d

2007-09-13T11:41:00.000-07:00

Not much else to say. Boobs are heavy and veiny but not all that sore. I'm not having nausea that is anything to really report. Just kind of feel like I ate too many shrimp and got on a boat. I am peeing a lot but I think its due to the billions of gallons of water I'm chugging each day. I finally got the nads to call and schedule my first ob appointment. YES, just now. Seems like October 10th will be the day. I have turned down offers for betas and early u/s. Yeah I'm sure I will kick myself in the ass later, but really all I think it will do is stress me out. For now I'm just enjoying the ride.

still at a loss for words

2007-09-03T10:58:00.000-07:00

Well here's the pic you've all been waiting for

Oh wait, thats not it is it? Give poor darwin a break. He's been through a lot in the last few days too. But after his confirmation that my test are indeed getting darker I thought I could post one. It is fuzzy, but positive none the less.

According to my opk I am 13 dpo, according to charting I'm 12dpo. Either way I am starting to feel that flicker of hope. I am not stupid enough to believe that pregnancy = baby any more. Instead I have decided to enjoy this ride and love every second of this I get. My boobs aren't really all that sore, I'm not really all the tired, and the nausea comes and goes. But I am 100% in love with my little uterus attatchement already. Thank you so much for the congrats and prayers. They really mean so much to us.

.....

2007-08-31T16:02:00.000-07:00

We are pregnant. Confirmed by countless dollar trees, first response and even the coveted digital. P4 2 days ago was only 17.1. We are scared. Please send us all the prayers you can spare.

Huh

2007-08-27T22:38:00.000-07:00

Well this weekend was a rollercoaster ride. The funeral was saturday. It was a beautiful ceremony. Afterwards we got the stuff to bbq at the house and went home to make dinner. I was blissfully making my hamburgers when she showed up. Yes her. My niece that anounced her pregnancy shortly after my miscarriage. You know the one that was due eerily close to my due date. The one that delivered a beautiful baby girl while I holed myself up in my room and cried my eyes out. Yes her. And her baby. In my yard. I really had no where to run. It was like being hit in the face by a bag of bricks. In my mind it doesn't bother me, but in reality when she shows up unanounced complaining of parenthood it made me want to die. Our babies would be the same age.

I haven't been able to bring myself to hold her. But don't think I haven't noticed her tiny little hands and perfect little toes. I feel robbed.

Have you seen this crazy lady?

2007-08-20T12:30:00.002-07:00

My husband is somewhat freaked out by the accuracy of the hair and shovel. Mel did a great job on making our little clicker people and I must say we are one hot looking group of clickers. Almost sounds obsene. If you would like to know more about the clickers go here . I like to think of us as your friendly neighborhood stalkers. As I was clicking through some yesterday I realized I don't even know what many of the adoption terms mean. TWW and HSG and BFN I know by heart but I am embarassed to say I don't know what LID means. So today I'm off to the library to find a book that will help me out. I was suprised to see several bloggers I used to follow when they were ttc.

Really I wanted to encourage people to use the lost and found. You can follow the link on the sidebar. I've fallen in love with this site and let me tell you why. I really don't have the time to click through 800 million blogs a day and I love the fact that anouncements can be posted and off we go to give support. It is nearly impossible to keep up with everyone/thing so its a really handy tool.

Yes on to ovary news. I had a temp rise this morning so I am veeeeeeeeeeery tenatively anouncing that I ovulated. We will see tomorrow.

I must be bouncing off now. I need to capture pictures for this weeks favorite things.

I surrender

2007-08-20T12:30:00.001-07:00

So the iui yesterday went perfectly. Great numbers and no pain. Last night I even had my ritual ovulistic crying jag. Seems like perfect timing no?

So this morning I get up use the bathroom and notice that the faucet of ewcm I've had is still there. Thats odd....so I check cp. Still so high I can barely reach it, but when I do that sucker is open enough to drive a small bus of japanese tourist through. Now in a full blown state of panic I run to get my themometer and see what the temp was for this morning. 97.3. SHIT. I'm now the proud owner of a badly timed IUI. I do not understand. My opk was the darkest I had ever seen.

I'm afraid this cycle has gone to shit. Its my fault because I decided to play with the soy isoflavones. Whatever. I'm chalking it up to experience and moving on.....does anyone know how long post washed semen last?

I found it

2007-08-20T12:30:00.000-07:00

So here I am cd 19. Did I mention that I figured out the reason I missed my surge? Uh, I didn't have one. I geared up to O and then fell short. My temps have stayed at 97.3. This morning I found my surge. I have tons of ewcm and twinges in all the right places so IUI #3 is tomorrow morning @ 8. Wish us luck people, we could really use some.

2007-08-17T21:55:00.000-07:00

I was having a good day. Went to the gym, got errands done, and watched a movie. We got a call that my brother in laws father passed away this morning. We knew it was coming, he has had cancer for quite a while. My husband is going to the house tonight to help get whatever needs to be done done. Since he was going over there me and tater tot (ds) decided to grab a quick dinner and rent some movies.

On the way back from the movie store we passed a pregnant girl smoking. Just when you thought it couldn't get worse her husband called her a whore. I wasn't going to let it get to me today. It got mr fatty instead. He's eyes welled up and he just said he didn't understand. It was like opening a floodgate. He talked about having dreams of a baby that looked like him but had my blue eyes and how his heart is aching. He is heartbroken and sad and I cannot fix it. It is starting to haunt him like it does me, and I never wanted that to happen.

Here are a few of my favorite things

2007-08-17T00:06:00.000-07:00

It seems so easy to focus on the negative sometimes. So I decided to make up a list of my favorites for friday. Hey, what a nifty name, friday favorites.

First lets start off with the giant veggie pic I've been promising! For size comparison I have added an opk for reference

Now out of many things that make my garden wonderful I must say this geranium I picked up for a buck fifty because it was dying has turned into my favorite. See what some love and fertilizer can do.

Here I have made some biscuits to counter act all the hard work I've been putting in at the gym. Oh come on, you know you want one. They were fabulous dipped into my potato sausage soup. Oh yeah, its all going straight to the hips

Unless...here is my beloved yoga mat. I am suprised it doesn't have my ass print permanently imbedded in it yet. Its ugly, but comfy and I have yet to slip on it. Oh and notice the new bedding I bought when IUI #2 failed. I love it. Mmmmmmmmmm softness

So that is a few things in my life right now I am thankful for. Screw the messed up opks, I've got good veg and a soft bed!

So tell me, what are your favorites?

OR just call me stupid pants

2007-08-14T23:07:00.001-07:00

First of all thanks for the positive comments. It goes to show that even after losing 90 lbs you have to keep up with maintaining your weight. Anyway went to the gym, feel sore blah blah blah.

OH YEAH DID I MENTION I MISSED MY DAMN SURGE. I checked last night and it was almost positive....really close. This morning still close but no cigar. Since the call in deadline for appointments is noon I figured no biggie. My surge will start some time tonight or tomorrow. Well just for giggles I poas when I got in from the gym. I have never seen such a negative opk in my life. Hm. Maybe I should go try one again.

Please hold....

Still negative. Like squinting to see the second line on an answer opk. Yeah, thats negative. Sooooooooooooooooooooo looks like I'm getting a break from the speculum this month after all. Of course we will have the obligatory sex, but I think I'll mix up a few drinks and not worry. No hip propping tonight!

Just call me sausage pants

2007-08-14T23:07:00.000-07:00

I've gained back 20 pounds. There I said it. Shit shit shit. So in response to this unpleasant revelation I have dusted off the gym bag and returned to my old love....I missed the gym. Its the only place I feel equal because there usually aren't any pregnant women lurking in there. Shit. 20 pounds! I could say its the depression, or the miscarriage, maybe even the fertility drugs but thats a lie. I just sat on my fat ass eating pop tarts and now my jeans barely button. I shall fix this. THIS I can fix.

It looks like iui #3 will be sometime in the next few days. I did develope 2 nice follies taking the soy isoflavones. Hrm. Who would have thought it would work? I'm off to bed. I'm beat from my workout.

Ready

2007-08-11T01:00:00.000-07:00

I guess I should elaborate on my last post. I cannot say that I have given up ALL hope on iui. I always have a chance of winning the 140 million dollar lotto or getting hit by lightning too. It is possible. I'm just feeling the pressure of failure breathing down my neck. It was a good flip out to have because now I know I am ready to move forward if I need to. We'll see if we get lucky with the iuis (and I do believe it will take luck) but if we don't I'm okay with that. I say that now but I totally reserve the right to flip out when faced with another bfn.

Enough jibberish about my girly parts. Today was harvest day out in the garden and I hauled in the biggest zucchini ever. I will take pics tomorrow, but seriously I could use it as a lethal weapon. The asian pears and blackberries are so sweet right now I really can't keep myself out of them.

Oh, is anyone reading along with the barren bitches book tour? If you aren't I would encourage you to read along. The current tour can be found here . The book (Love and Other Impossible Pursuits) is really interesting because I feel really torn about the main character. I won't say more than that. But it is a really good read.

Also just a psa. If you need to find anything try checking the lost and found thingy in the sidebar over yonder. Its a good way to find someone, make an anouncement, or find bloggers who have been there, done that, and can lend some advice.

Nowhere land

2007-08-06T18:44:00.000-07:00

Welcome to scrambled brainville. I haven't even been able to put a string of thoughts together lately. I'm just so so so something.

Trip went well. Had the talk with mr fatty. You know the one where you decide to go ahead and finish the IUI cycles so you can move on with your life. As it turns out I may not be the only one who has lost the faith for the almighty IUI. To be honest it seems to work for most (if it is going to at all) within the first two cycles. Well we failed both so basicly we are ready to accept our fate and move on if needed. We currently have enough for 1 ivf and two fet saved so now we are just going to sit back and let this journey take us where it may. We even had the "what if ivf doesn't work for us" talk. Yeah that was hard.

See I must explain that mr fattys oldest brother (he comes from a family of 13 kids) has never had kids. No known reason it has just never happened. Mr fatty is now wondering if that will be his life story too. It terrifies him, but not to the point of using donor egg or semen if we find a bump in the road later on. Yes, you heard me. The man who is willing to donate semen, and donate embryos if we do ever achieve our goal is against me using them. Well how am I supposed to feel about that? I believe it is just the fear talking and that if we were ever really faced with that decision that he would decide differently.

Woooooooooah I went totally off topic. So, the point is we are just going to haul ass through these iuis so I can move on. I feel like I'm stuck on a merry-go-round. I would just like to vomit and get off.

Smooches

2007-08-03T12:35:00.000-07:00

Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, what does a girl on a break do?

She

*packs again.....mr fatty is taking me to california for the weekend!

*freaks out about flying

*decideds to take soy instead of clomid

*eats her own weight in frozen poptarts...strawberry

*schedules cd 11 wanding

*paints nails

*has a quick yet efficient panic attack about flying

*clips some flowers from the garden to bring in to share with you

My garden is doing very well this year. I am over run with giant zuchinni and veggies of the sort. My flowers are big and bright. Apparently I can grow everything except a human. Okay I'm going to finish packing. Have a good weekend everyone

Shallow

2007-07-30T13:29:00.001-07:00

You know reatail therapy is a wonderful thing. I bought some fantastic new linens and pillows. I know it may be shallow but it made me feel worlds better. I also got a few tops and the biggest box of mint cookies I could find. But really what made me feel better was the go carts. We took 2 of my nephews and 3 of my nieces with us to the family fun center and spent the day playing lazer tag, go carts, mini golf, and bumper boats. I have the worlds worst sunburn right now, but it was totally worth it. If anyone is wondering I was top shooter every time we played lazer tag!

I know we have only done two IUI cycles but I call fowl. I'm taking August off. No meds no charting. I felt CRAZY this month. Like ready to run away and go live in a tent in the desert crazy. We want to go camping, rafting, and to a oyster and wine festival and I don't feel like worrying about anything right now so I declare august a stress free zone.

The one where hope takes a 500 lb shit on me

2007-07-27T15:00:00.000-07:00

**I hate blogger so much right now I can't even verbalize it. I have been unable to comment or really sign in because the stupid pages keep refreshing. Also I lost my gmail password so if anyone has emailed me I'm not ignoring you on purpose, I'm just an idiot. **

OKAY, so here I sit, 10 dpo. My progesterone was lovely a lovely 30 @ 7dpo. I have not started spotting yet. My breast hurt, I feel like spewing at any moment, and I have been having a seriously sensitive nose. So I get up and poas this morning and I am greeted by the most negative test I have ever seen. Not even an evap. Shit. For some reason I thought this was it. Good egg, good timing, good count. What could go wrong right? I think I need some retail therapy.

Get out your umbrellas

2007-07-19T23:55:00.000-07:00

Well it seems that it is that time of year again. The summer flowers are blooming, the smell of charcoal hangs heavy in the air, and a whole shittin rain storm of bfps is a coming our way. I can't really talk. I was part of the october flood, but still it sucks. It would feel a bit better if we could get an even share over here in infertile ville but it seems to rain mostly on those who have been trying for two months (gasp) or who weren't even really trying. For people who have dealt with infertility I feel no bitterness. I do feel a LOT of bitterness towards people who seem to procreate without even trying. There I admitted it. Yeah, you the girl in safeway today who had 3 under the age of 5.....I hate you. Its not a personal thing I just want to sneak into your house at night and steal an ovary. Okay maybe use the uterus for 9 months or so. I promise to return it when I'm done. I'm just feeling a bit crazy now. Every where I turn there are either huge bellies in my face or someone smiling saying "you'll never guess our good news!". Oh but I can guess. I know, I can sense it like some kind of stupid sixth sense.

So how does one get through monsoon season without permanently losing ones mind? I believe it is a find mixture of rum and cocke (not in the tww of course) and driving mr fatty insane. I am so good at the last one its almost too easy now. To try and take the load off of mr fatty I am going to start exercising again. I'm not supposed to do anything too strenuous past 5dpo since it makes me spot. Apparently my vagina hates exercise too....but I figure anything up till then and then walking after 5do would be fine. I have no intention on asking dr M if this is okay I'm just going to do it. My pants are getting tight so that over rules anything and everything. Also I am using the progest again, which seems to help with the spotting even though my progesterone levels are high almost every time I get them checked, so there.

Tomorrow is errand day and I am dreading it with a passion. OH speaking of things (even though this really has nothing to do with errands) mr fatty and I are sharing dreams. We both had dreams about snow the day of the iui and then last night cashews. Hmmmmm. Odd isn't it? I looked up dream meanings and it gave the usuall useless info it could be good or bad blah blah blah. All I know is that my dream was beatiful and I just felt so peaceful.

Now where was I? Oh yes, errands. So tomorrow on my huge list of things to do is finally buying my young niece a baby gift. She had the baby before we left for vacation and we have yet to go see her. It seems like passing my edd quieted things in my brain a bit and now I feel like I can go. It was hard since she was so close to my due date but now I am happy for her. Envious, but happy. I wouldn't wish our situation on anyone.

I also plan on making a few changes to the site and adding some linkage and such. I really have no idea why I'm babbeling on like this. Maybe it is the wine, the tiredness, the fact that thanks to half a pain pill (don't worry no Nsaids) my shoulder is not screaming, or maybe I'm just running my mouth here so mr fatty can have a bit of a break. Did I mention that after his sample the other day he was so tired he feel asleep on the little couch? And not a lite sleep, we are talking deep woods bear type snoring sleep. I love him so much for that very reason. Who couldn't?