Shallow

You know reatail therapy is a wonderful thing. I bought some fantastic new linens and pillows. I know it may be shallow but it made me feel worlds better. I also got a few tops and the biggest box of mint cookies I could find. But really what made me feel better was the go carts. We took 2 of my nephews and 3 of my nieces with us to the family fun center and spent the day playing lazer tag, go carts, mini golf, and bumper boats. I have the worlds worst sunburn right now, but it was totally worth it. If anyone is wondering I was top shooter every time we played lazer tag!

I know we have only done two IUI cycles but I call fowl. I'm taking August off. No meds no charting. I felt CRAZY this month. Like ready to run away and go live in a tent in the desert crazy. We want to go camping, rafting, and to a oyster and wine festival and I don't feel like worrying about anything right now so I declare august a stress free zone.

The one where hope takes a 500 lb shit on me

**I hate blogger so much right now I can't even verbalize it. I have been unable to comment or really sign in because the stupid pages keep refreshing. Also I lost my gmail password so if anyone has emailed me I'm not ignoring you on purpose, I'm just an idiot. **

OKAY, so here I sit, 10 dpo. My progesterone was lovely a lovely 30 @ 7dpo. I have not started spotting yet. My breast hurt, I feel like spewing at any moment, and I have been having a seriously sensitive nose. So I get up and poas this morning and I am greeted by the most negative test I have ever seen. Not even an evap. Shit. For some reason I thought this was it. Good egg, good timing, good count. What could go wrong right? I think I need some retail therapy.

Get out your umbrellas

Well it seems that it is that time of year again. The summer flowers are blooming, the smell of charcoal hangs heavy in the air, and a whole shittin rain storm of bfps is a coming our way. I can't really talk. I was part of the october flood, but still it sucks. It would feel a bit better if we could get an even share over here in infertile ville but it seems to rain mostly on those who have been trying for two months (gasp) or who weren't even really trying. For people who have dealt with infertility I feel no bitterness. I do feel a LOT of bitterness towards people who seem to procreate without even trying. There I admitted it. Yeah, you the girl in safeway today who had 3 under the age of 5.....I hate you. Its not a personal thing I just want to sneak into your house at night and steal an ovary. Okay maybe use the uterus for 9 months or so. I promise to return it when I'm done. I'm just feeling a bit crazy now. Every where I turn there are either huge bellies in my face or someone smiling saying "you'll never guess our good news!". Oh but I can guess. I know, I can sense it like some kind of stupid sixth sense.

So how does one get through monsoon season without permanently losing ones mind? I believe it is a find mixture of rum and cocke (not in the tww of course) and driving mr fatty insane. I am so good at the last one its almost too easy now. To try and take the load off of mr fatty I am going to start exercising again. I'm not supposed to do anything too strenuous past 5dpo since it makes me spot. Apparently my vagina hates exercise too....but I figure anything up till then and then walking after 5do would be fine. I have no intention on asking dr M if this is okay I'm just going to do it. My pants are getting tight so that over rules anything and everything. Also I am using the progest again, which seems to help with the spotting even though my progesterone levels are high almost every time I get them checked, so there.

Tomorrow is errand day and I am dreading it with a passion. OH speaking of things (even though this really has nothing to do with errands) mr fatty and I are sharing dreams. We both had dreams about snow the day of the iui and then last night cashews. Hmmmmm. Odd isn't it? I looked up dream meanings and it gave the usuall useless info it could be good or bad blah blah blah. All I know is that my dream was beatiful and I just felt so peaceful.

Now where was I? Oh yes, errands. So tomorrow on my huge list of things to do is finally buying my young niece a baby gift. She had the baby before we left for vacation and we have yet to go see her. It seems like passing my edd quieted things in my brain a bit and now I feel like I can go. It was hard since she was so close to my due date but now I am happy for her. Envious, but happy. I wouldn't wish our situation on anyone.

I also plan on making a few changes to the site and adding some linkage and such. I really have no idea why I'm babbeling on like this. Maybe it is the wine, the tiredness, the fact that thanks to half a pain pill (don't worry no Nsaids) my shoulder is not screaming, or maybe I'm just running my mouth here so mr fatty can have a bit of a break. Did I mention that after his sample the other day he was so tired he feel asleep on the little couch? And not a lite sleep, we are talking deep woods bear type snoring sleep. I love him so much for that very reason. Who couldn't?

What is tmi anyway?

Okay now that I've got a bit of pain meds in my system its time to write about IUI #2! Apparently I strained not one but two muscle groups so yeah..I'm talented. Anyway back to the iui.

I got my suprisingly early +opk on monday which kind of horrified me since we had quite the love fest twice on sunday but I went ahead and made the appointment for tuesday. This time Mr.fatty (lets call him mf) wanted me in the room with him during his uhhhhh deposit time. So being the helpful wife I am I adorned myself with my best lingerie under my dress that morning. Good thing I did. For the first time he was nervous....really nervous. But what I think is funny was him telling me to lift my dress and bend over. May be odd but it worked people! Even after we almost had accidental penetration (please don't ask) he gave his best sample ever and went from 30 million to 47 million and the motility even went up! Even better the lab tech showed us his little army of penetrators and he was amazed to see them. I guess even though he has been having good results he still never really believed it because he hadn't seen it. Now he feels confident in their ability.

On my side the iui was painless and went well. Apparently my mucus looked a bit better this month, but there wasn't much of it at all. I feel like I ovulated about 5 hours later so I think th timing was pretty good. I hate to say it but I'm hopeful. Yep, I know I am setting myself up for disappointment but this month I'm okay with that. I say that now but in two weeks I'll probably be crying into a bottle of wine.

Has anyone been having issues with blogger lately? I swear its hard for me to even login because it keeps refreshing. Then the damn autosave keeps losing my post. I might have to just fork over some cash and buy my own site. Andyone know anything about that?

Lucky

Thank you all for the well wishes. It dawned on me today that I don't have anything lucky. Some have lucky rings, socks, or animals and I've got....well a bunch of nada. Mr. fatty who does believe in luck took me to a stone cutter so I could rub his giant buddah until I find a source of luck on my own. So that leads me to ask...what makes something lucky?

Speaking of which Mr. Fatty has a good feeling about tomorrow too. So I just want to throw this prayer out to the gods of fertility whoever they might be..please let this be our time..please.

woot

Tomorrow is IUI #2 and I'm excited. A little weirded out by an early surge, but happy. Oh and I hurt the crap out of my shoulder. Will update tomorrow.

Mr fatty has made it clear that I have issues with making up my mind and clearly stating what I want. Maybe it was the tequila last night, but my list of wants became amazingly clear...

I want

*cheese nips...mass quantities
*to be able to live my life without these two week rollercoasters
*to be able to buy pads without crying*to feel like a woman again*to make my husband a father
*peace of mind
*my life to stop revolving around something I apparently have little to no control over
*a maid. Seriously.
*to be able to jump back in the workforce quickly
*my dahlias to quit opening towards the neighbors house
*a very strong drink


But mostly today I want

*to know what our baby would have looked like...would it have daddies big brown eyes and stick straight hair or my blue eyes and strawberry blonde hair? Would you have loved the smell of grass like I do? What would your first words have been? I want to know WHO you would have been as a person and I'm sad I will never know
*to be able to cry, I feel shitty that today is the day and I have no tears left.

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack

So I guess my post about leaving for my vacation never went threw huh?
Well lets sum up the last two weeks.


I got:

a great tan

mouse ears

scared shitless on countless rides

and of course my period on the 4th of July

Yeah I'm bummed my first IUI didn't work but what can I really do? My edd is tomorrow. I suppose I have some long touchy feely post in me somewhere but right now I'm just feeling a bit numb. I'm off to catch up on everyones blogs.