Over the hump

I understand it has been a while since my last update, but I have this issue every year of making the transition between summer and winter. While I love the sunny brisk days of fall they are for some reason unbearable for me. So this year I ate tons of larb and cookies and tried to keep myself busy. I feel I have successfully made it into the end of october and so I will be okay. Nutruring yourself can be the hardest thing to do. In the last few weeks we have been on the go doing one activity or another just trying to out run the blues we knew would follow me. Add into that my first round of femara failed. Its not that I really expected it to be successful because I started to spot 10dpo, its that I had let that evil hag hope take up residence again. This cycle she is locked out. I've cried a lot lately but it felt good to get it all out. We had friends that announced their pregnancy for child number 4 to us recently. To put things into prespective she announced her pregnancy the month we started trying. Also a friend had a baby today. While I am happy I'm also sad so instead of putting on a phoney smile I let it all out and a box of tissue later I can say I honestly ment it when I said I was happy for her.
I have decided this year not to hide. No more trying to make people think I am okay. If this means going to the store at two in the morning to buy pads while crying hystericly so be it. If it means another breakdown like yesterdays when we found ourselves somehow lost in baby depot thats okay. I have come to see these like storm clouds. They come quick and hard, but when they leave I feel refreshed. So if you guys see some crazy lady walking around talking to herself and cursing the fertility gods its probably me.
Now that all of that is out of the way I am completely taken by halloween this year. I took five of my nieces to scream at the beach this weekend and I have to say that there is nothing better in life than watching terrified kids. Okay I'll admit I've lost my voice due to all the screaming too, but it was fun. Now I just have to finish my sons costume. He decided he wanted to be a king and I was disappointed with the costumes we found so I took it upon myself to make him one. Since then the red and white fleece has just been sitting there. Somehow I do my best work when I procrastinate until the last minute. As for my husband he will be an ape as usual. I have an assortment of scary mask I will be using. The best was last night. After we dropped all the girls off we picked up my son and nephew to come home. What they didn't know is that I was in the back of the van with a devil mask on. Halfway down the first block I just sat up and waited for them to notice me. Within seconds they experienced pure terror, fear, and finally anger when they started swatting at me. It was beautiful.