Deadline

Crap crap crap. The end of June is so close now I can actually feel it breathing down my neck. Yes it may seem far off but it is coming hard like a freight train and there is nothing I can do to stop it. So whats the big deal? The dress. I think we have all had this issue right? I prefer to wear strapless dresses but due to my lack of execise lately I know I would have the dreaded back fat right now. So whats the plan? Walking/running 3x a week and strength training 2x week. Sounds easy but doing it sucks. Today I broke out my dusty weights and after a 20 minute session I am amazed I can still move my fingers. Its stupid I know, but you have to remember that at least half of the guest there will be asian. Half of those will be wearing dressed smaller than a size 6. I know I know, I shouldn't compare myself to those women but who wouldn't when you are surrounded by them. Add to the fact most of them have a gaggle of kids and its enough to make me vomit.

Today for my walking I'm going to walk to pick my son up from school and considering how windy it is outside it will be quite a feat. Tomorrow I will be sore and bitchy but hopefully it will be worth it.

On the tww situation there is nothing going on. No dramatic boob changes or soreness, no food aversions. Nothing. Thats okay, it makes it easier to justify my morning coffee. I was thinking I should kind of give a brief over view for people new to my bloglett.

Number of years trying: 6
Number of years with cycles that were long and possibly had no ovulation: 3.5
Number of clomid cycles: 5
Number that I ovulated on: 1
Pounds lost: Somewhere between 80 and 90 (it was almost 90 but I backslid)
Years with regular cycles and no pregnancy: 1.2
Cycles on femara: Uh, I have to check my chart, will get back to you. I ovulated on all and got pregnant on the second. Now I am in my 6th cycle post miscarriage, two of those being breaks.
Husbands semen analysis: Pretty good overall. Nice numbers but I have to say the volume seems a bit low to me. Dr was really unworried about it. Will look it up later.

I have one son from a previous relationship and me and my husband are batting zero here. He doesn't have any children and turned 40 this month so his clock is ticking away.

Thats a pretty basic summary. Makes me giggle because the first time my husband and I had sex he was TERRIFIED I would get pregnant even with a condom. wooooo thats a good joke.

Other things about me is I love outdoors. Camping, hiking, rafting, I love it all. Spiders I could totally live without. My husband is asian. No he's not short, skinny, or have a small penis. I like to do nerdly things like read. I like to lurk at blogs because I often feel other people say what I would have said...only better. I like hot showers and attempting to knit. I think thats it.

Damn it

I had everything all worked out. Felt fantastic. I was going to use opks this round so that I could prove to my dr that we could do iui by opks instead of monitoring/triggering. The day started as usual. I had some ewcm in the morning and tested almost stark white with my handy dandy opk. During the day I had a bit of cramping and such but nothing unexpected. Later that night, probably about 11, I took another opk (I admit that I am obsessive, but its a good thing I am). Blaring positive even with really diluted pee. Woooooo. Eh. Temped at 7 am the next day and had a FULL degree temp jump.....shit.

Yes I ovulated within 8 hours of a + opk. Thank you ovaries for proving that I cannot count on you. Two days early and with extreme short notice. Nice, I never seen that one coming. Of course we had the obligatory intercourse when I go the positive but this means that our iui will have to be monitored. I know thats not really a bad thing but I was hoping we wouldn't have to.

Besides that all is well in the fatty household. I have lost 7 lbs and so my pants are starting to fit again but I'm still a long way from looking good at my friends wedding. I need to exercise, but I really just don't want to.

Two

Even though I swore I wouldn't I still find myself living my life in segments. There is the dreaded crampy, bleeding, bitchy segment quickly followed by the hopeful segment, followed by the I"m not going to obsess segment. Next comes total obsession. Dreams about positive opks, and mucus in the sink seem to take up a large part of this segment. After that it is just a long ass wait. A wait I'm tired of doing but given that my only other option is giving up I think I will be doing a lot more waiting. So what makes me think of all this? Well its cd 13 and my good friend ewcm is here and this time some spotting decided to join. I know this is supposed to be fantastic and a good sign of fertility but for me its some kind of cruel joke and just the hump before that long ass wait.

Did I fail to mention the femara makes me UBER cranky? Pffffffffffft. How it last all cycle long when it leaves the system so quickly is a mystery to me. My husband (who I still need a nickname for) is taking us to dinner tonight so I won't be so stressed. I'm just sitting right on the fence right now and I think I got a plank of wood straight up the rear.

Time goes by

After all these years I still love you more and more everyday. Happy anniversary honey.

Okay mushy stuff over ....

turtle style

My husband had what he calls a brilliant idea when we were at the beach. Apparently he wants me to dig a hole and lay a bunch of eggs turtle style and see what happens. Now I know he was just joking to make me feel better, but I'm kind of ashamed that I thought it couldn't hurt to try. I wonder if animals who face infertility feel inferior too. Do the other turtles flaunt all their babies? Well I do know one thing is that an infertile turtle has never had to go into target only to be surrounded by huge pregnant women. I do know how that feels. I went for shoes. Just shoes. I am not kidding when I say that within a few minutes I had SIX hugely pregnant women around me. To make matters worse many had other children tagging along behind them. I have to fight the overwhelming urge to grab one of those kids and just walk off. I never would, I'm just saying that sometimes a cute little girl in patent leather shoes does weird things to someone who has wanted a baby for so long.

Since my son is seven and kind of knows how babies are made and where said babies come from he has taken it upon himself to ask at least twice a week when he will have a sibling. Direct stab to the heart. What am I supposed to say.

So on the diet thing I kept track of what I ate yesterday and no wonder I have put on a few lbs. I ate almost twice as much as I used to. Damn diets. I still take pride in going from 240 to 153 but I feel really bad about back sliding a bit. I'm sure its about 10lbs I've piled back on. Goodbye sweet friend icecream, I will miss you....

Fessing up

I'm pretty sure I've put some weight back on. As a matter of fact I have never been as sure of anything in my life. My pants no longer want to fit my body and as much as I would like to say they must have shrunk in the wash I know they didn't. Add into that the fact that pcos and diet has a lot to do with egg quality and it has motivated me once again to get my ass in gear. I'm tracking with fitday and I'm rather embarassed to say I've had 1600 calories so far and its only 1:31 in the afternoon. And today I haven't eaten as much as I have been lately. I suck.



I can blame it on the fact that I have been in a mild depression since the miscarriage because that is true, but still just an excuse. I know that shoveling down mass amounts of sugar is not going to help the cause, if anything it will make it worse. Being as we are all lined up for iui I think I need to really redo my eating habits right away. I feel like an idiot because all I was doing was making it harder for myself. Add into that my nonexistant exercise routine and its easy to see how I backslid. I'm not going to use a scale or anything, I'll just be happy when my pants fit again.

I should at some point come up with a name for my other half so I can just stop refering to him as husband, but for now it will do. Anyway the husband and I had a talk last night about our willingness to move forward and what it really ment for us. Oh yes, it was plan making time. I needed a solid comitment in order for all the little voices in my head to stop screaming and feel confident in what we are about to take under. We looked at the financial part of it and once our hearts started beating again we decided this is in fact a road we do want to do. So here is our plan.



This month will probably be a cycle with just the femara because I will not be in town around O date and that would make iui very difficult, also I really want to get my body back in order

Next 5-6 cycles iui with dr. mik

If we aren't successful we plan on moving on to ivf next summer (this is the part of the finances that gave us heart attacks)



We've looked everything over and think its a good plan. We have insurance that covers most of the iui expenses but for ivf we would be on our own. I've heard of shared risk programs and will look into them when the time is ready. So for now I will just plug away, but knowing that my husband is as commited to this as I am makes me feel a lot better.


My sons fish died yesterday. I felt awful having to tell him but once the tears dried we replaced said fish and all seems to be better. I really hate these damn fish but they were a gift so there they sit in the tank in the living room watching me with those creepy bubble eyes all day. Ugh