Ack

Well I went to my appointment today and I feel both excited and depressed. What a combo huh?

Our insurance covers a total of 6 IUIs. Yep, thats it. So our plan is to see what happens. It sounds weird but I do believe it is the best option. Since my eggs seem to explode like cannons any time I take my eyes off them its best just to wait it out. So this cycle we are staying with the femara. If we cannot pinpoint with lab test when O is going to occur then we will talk about different meds. Apparently it can be eaiser to control with injectibles. Ack. Anyone who knows me knows I would rather arm wrestle a bear then get a shot. This should be interesting.

One other thing we did cover is that if we fall into the unfortunate group that doesn't become pregnant from IUI then we will be referred out for IVF. We have ZERO coverage for that but my dr said he would run any testing we need prior to moving clinics so that we did not have to incur any out of pocket payment that wasn't necessary. Yeah, my stomach just rolled when he brought up that possibility but I know it is there. Its a scary thing because I feel like I've just started a train I cannot stop. I'm excited because I feel like this could work, but I'm depressed because I'm scared I will fail my husband again. Too much to think about at the moment so the plan to take it a month at a time is just fine with me.

My son has overheard some discussions we have had and has put two and two together and has figured out we are trying for a baby. At 7 he is one smart boy. He is also lonely and wants nothing more than a sibling. I told him we are going to try, but that sometimes no matter how bad you try you just don't end up with what you planned on. The emotional aspect of secondary infertility on the first child is amazing. We are really the only couple we know with only one child. He longs for another child in this house just as much as my husband and I do. Speaking of which I think it is an interesting dynamic because he has primary infertility and I am dealing with secondary. Between the three of us I think we have it all covered.

On a more personal note I am having cramps from hell. To the point of making me feel sick.
So back onto a better diet I go. I feel better when I avoid red meat and dairy so thats what its going to be. My cramps are worse when I have dairy too. That didn't stop me from having an emergency ben and jerry's cone after the appointment today, but I think the cramping I'm having now is enough of a reminder. Must resist sweet, delicious, cool, creamy ice cream. I also know that it can't hurt egg quality to take better care of myself.

I just want this to work. Scratch that I need this to work.

I found out yesterday that some friends we haven't heard from in a while were having a hard time. Apparently she lost her job, then he lost his job, then he started seeing someone else. Yeah. It just sucked to see all that because I thought they were good together. It just makes me realize how lucky I am sometimes. Don't get me wrong, for all the bitching I do I am well aware of how blessed I am. There is not a day that goes by that I don't thank the cosmos for all I have.