I've been trying to get a post out for about half an hour now but I just sat here and watched the stupid cursor blinking.
I've spent the last few days listening to varios machines beep and moan, watching the steady jump of the ventilator tubes, and wondering what the lesson for me in all this is. They are discussing withdrawing support but are leaving the decision to me. Well. I just don't know what to type after that.
Today as I brushed her hair out I wondered how she ended up this way. How long was she on the floor gasping for air before someone noticed.
The nurse told me the only words she actually got out once she got in there was something about her grandsons.
I can't let go of the feeling that she deserves a chance to get to know them more and watch them grow.
So for now I sit and think. I just can't even think straight. How do you decide what to do with someones life. HOW?
Thanks for the comments and prayers. We appreciate every single one. I will try to get caught up on blogs tomorrow.
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About Me
The story so far
Its long and boring people so here are the highlights
*started ttc 2001
*thanks to weightloss (90lbs) started ovulating regularly 2005
*April `06 HSG...alls good in the hood
*mr.fatty's SA comes back with high numbers, but a lil low on volume
*September `06 start femara
*November `06 BFP!!!!!!
*November`06 miscarriage...so sad
*December `06 back on the femara train
*June `07 femara + IUI #1...great numbers...BFN
*July `07 femara +IUI #2...even better....BFN
*August `07 soy isoflavones + IUI #3...great SA again but timing sucked...holy crap BFP
*started ttc 2001
*thanks to weightloss (90lbs) started ovulating regularly 2005
*April `06 HSG...alls good in the hood
*mr.fatty's SA comes back with high numbers, but a lil low on volume
*September `06 start femara
*November `06 BFP!!!!!!
*November`06 miscarriage...so sad
*December `06 back on the femara train
*June `07 femara + IUI #1...great numbers...BFN
*July `07 femara +IUI #2...even better....BFN
*August `07 soy isoflavones + IUI #3...great SA again but timing sucked...holy crap BFP
4 comments:
Oh Man - lots of prayers
I'm so so sorry.
Late to comment on this post, but just wanted to say that I am thinking about you, and sending you thoughts of clarity during this difficult time. Lots and lots of hugs to you...
Oh Lord. I just read this now.... i'm sure so much has happened the last few days.
My family has JUST gone through this.
My grandpa Jack, whom I've only met two or three times in my entire life, left my mom's family in the late 1960s. My grandma raised all the kids herself.
He was not interested in us. He was an alcoholic. He also was abusive. My mom protected us from this but was easy because, he made no attempt to know us.
Just before Christmas, he was found by my uncle alone in his apartment/hotel room. My uncle tried to reach him by phone. No answer. They went to go check on him, no answer. He got the police to open the door and he was unconscience, laying on top of a heater... slowly burning for what they imagine, a few days.
No one noticed.
He was in hospital for a few days I believe. Only the 2 children closest in distance went there. My mom wasn't one of them. Sure, she would miss him as a person who was in her life but she had a disconnect with him. They all did.
I am sure there was the decision of life-support removal. He must have been in pain. He was mostly unconscience. 3rd degree burns would do that...
He was alone for days on top of that... no one missed him. He made it easy for people to not pay attention to him...
You have a difficult choice. But, most importantly, you can NOT feel guilty for the choices you made. You are a person with your very own guilty conscience to take care of, you can NOT absorb those of someone else. You didn't make those choices, she did.
And, do not feel bad about any choice you have to make with regards to life support. You are there now for her... use that time to make peace.
I did with my father, who also abused me. He lived however. It changed our relationship but he could have gone the other way in an instant. I can live with myself knowing I did what I could.
Take care and thinking of you....
anji
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