Stupid clouds

Well everything is all packed up and we are ready to go. We were going to leave today but decided to wait until tomorrow since it was all cloudy. Its not fun putting up a tent in the rain. Its okay, I needed more time to get stuff together. I love the smell of campfires, and smores, and hiking. I am so excited! Plus my hubbinator fixed my bike so I'm all set to rock and roll. I have a nephew in law who will be going too.

See my nephew in law, lets call him tiny, has had a hard time. He has been a crackhead, in gangs, and just generally screwed. He never had a mother. She abandon him and his dad. Just walked away and never looked back. His dad is a sucker for pretty women so of course he is living in someones garage. No one has ever believed in tiny. He didn't finish high school, and has only had one job. He is 28. But for some reason I believe that he will be something great. He's my addiction I cannot give up on. I see that he is kind hearted and smart, just no one ever cared. Imagine being a boy and not having anyone care how you did in school, or tuck you in. I talked to my hubby tonight about us sending him to school next year. We are not rich by any means but whenever we have supported him in something he has succeeded. I just feel like we need to. I have already seen one nephew die too young from getting in trouble. If I had to bury tiny I don't think I could ever recover. We are going to talk to him about school when we are out in the woods. I know he'll do it, he just needs a chance.

This morning I woke up to a chorus of chainsaws. I didn't think anything of it until I went outside and seen that my new neighbors had come into my yard and cut my bushes down. It looks like shit. I was so mad. But heres the thing. They don't speak a word of english. I don't know if something got lost in the translation yesterday. So I got mad, and then I got over it. No reason to be unkind, I was just really upset. I love my yard and in few seconds they ruined it. And stepped on my flowers in the process. Buttholes. But besides that they are great. Four kids, two of them my sons age. Mom is nice too, and her food smells soooooooooo good. I wish someone would have been nice to me when I moved in here. Or even someone that didn't hate me would have been nice.

I must break my addiction to soda. I just about had a heart attack typing that. A little background for those who do not know. My mother was lazy. She gave us coke and made nutritious meals like vienna sausages or taco bell. Occasionally she would pull out all the stops and make a meatloaf or something, but that was usually lard laden too. I don't blame her. She didn't know how to eat, and as I'm learning so is she. So far shes lost 20 lbs too! So anyway, I had coke given too me in bottles when I was a baby. No, I'm not kidding. And that began my long love affair with soda. I would say 75% of my fluid intake is soda. I'm scared of what its doing to my body and my teeth. My dentist told me diet soda is actually more corrosive than regular. Ew. And so are those carbonated flavored waters. I like my teeth and hope to keep them. So I am going to quit. I have slowly been drinking more milk and water. I'm getting used to it. I'm going to save sodas for when we eat out only. Treats not regulars. Mmmm treats.

I love stuff

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh the sweet smell of friday. It kind of smells like tacos don't you think? Well I'm excited because my husband has 12 days off. We are planning a little camping and a little debauchery to keep us busy. Possibly painting too. We always make all these plans and then end up doing other stuff. So this time the goal is to stay on plan. We are going camping at Oxbow park which is my FFFFFFFAAAAAAAAAvorite because it has hot running showers and picnic tables at each site. Nice bike riding trails too, and bike riding is pretty good exercise.

My quest to find decent stationery is ending up in pooville. If I want to write on printer paper with balloons on it I have lots of options. But what about adults that just need to write letters. My dream stationery would not have cats, bears, hearts, or balloons on it. Okay maybe one balloon but it should be small and in the corner.

Today I just finally realized that new year will be very different for me. See we go to these huge new years parties every year and usually I am in a very small group of white women there. The rest of them are these uber skinny super cute asian girls. Talk about a blow to the self esteem. I used to find comfort in the fact that I knew at least a third of them got that way by very bad means. But now I feel bad for them. So I have made my goal to be at a point to be a hottie for new years. I can never get those pretty sparkly tops to fit. But damnit this year they will. Every time I go into a store I have to try stuff on just out of curiosity. Its not a sick addiction, I swear. Its a fascination. I am shrinking. Its really happening. I am finally changing things.

One of my blogging friends has been a little down on her luck lately and I have been trying to think of ways to e cheer her up. Let me know any ideas you guys might have. Have a good weekend everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Blah blah blah

I feel better today. I think yesterday was just pms induced blues. Actually its 2:30 am. I have always been a night owl as long as I can remember. I sleep better during the day. Thats why working graveyard for me was so easy when I did. I'm thinking about working graveyard again too, because my husband will be home, and I can sleep while my son is at school and be ready to get up when he gets home. I had the delusion of working a normal shift once. Then I tried it. Bad idea.

I am half way there. I have lost 40 lbs. 40 more to go. Its what I tell myself when I'm at the gym too. I've been thinking about trying to find a workout partner. I would like to find someone whos a little chunky too so that we have a common goal to work towards. Besides staring at a skinny persons butt can be dishartening sometimes. On that thought I think I'll go take a bath.

Today

Today I am sad

Today I am not where I thought I would be in my life

Today I cannot give my husband what he needs

Today I cannot make my son feel good about himself

Today I did not do anything to better myself

Today is just like yesterday and tomorrow

Today my dreams haunted me again

Today I just want to sleep and cry

Today I feel like putting horrible things into my body

Today I do not feel like hugging

Today I do not feel like kissing

Today I do not feel like cooking or cleaning

Today does not remind me of anything good

Today only reminds me of the failures I have had

Today reminds me of the horrible ways I treated people when I was young

Today I want to believe I am a better person

Today I feel trapped

Today is almost over

Today I will do everything I am supposed to and pretend to be okay beacause that is what I do most days.

Don't feel bad for me today, tomorrow will be better

Silence

My dreams are mostly quiet. Occasionaly there is some music, but not any talking or background noise. I dream about walking around on the stars and floating in outerspace. Sometimes flying peeks in there too. The last few night have been odd. First I had a dream that some man was shoving crack rocks into my sons mouth. Then this morning I had a dream that we were driving down the coast and were driving an rv or some kind of camper. My hubby and son were in the back sleeping. I could softly hear the ocean, and I started the car. All of the sudden it got really foggy. Next thing I know I jolt awake from how loud the sound of the ocean is. I drove into the ocean. Weird I know, but one of my biggest fears is that I will drive into a body of water. I'm not scared of water, I love to swim but I just can't explain this fear. Living in a city that is surrounded by rivers really makes that suck.

I need a job. I am starting to think that maybe manual labor wouldn't be all that bad. Thats how bad I need to get out of the house and be focused on something besides poop and ttc charts. I think its the everyday socializing that I miss. I am just blown away by women who can be a stay at home mom for years. For about the last year and a half I have really been trying to break out. I have this job lead for a winery that I am going to follow up with tomorrow.

Its beautiful outside right now, I think I'll go watch the sunset with my cats.

I'll take whats beef for 100 alex

Well so far today I have not been hit by lightning or sued in any way. Maybe my dreams were just random. I went to the gym and sweated like a pig at a luau. But it went quick and I enjoyed it. When I was there I jumped on the scale and someone walked by me and said I hope its good news for you. I told her you have NO idea. I think that the more I see the numbers go down the more motivated I am. Now all I have to do is set that pesky goal weight. Considering I've been fat my entire life I have no idea what that is.

Something has been biting me lately. Apparently its having quite a feast because I have bites all over me. They don't really itch but they make me look weird. And to top it off my hair still looks like someone electrocuted me. I know, I'm a sexy beast. But at least I am brushing my hair now. I'm telling you, the depression last winter was NOT pretty. I just had no ooomph. But I managed to pull myself out of it somehow. Actually as nerdy as it might sound it had a lot to do with the friends I've made on this here web. I was able to be heard without being judged and get support. And like boobs every heart needs lots of support. Speaking of which my sports bra is still missing. Would whoever took it please put it back... :

Today I had a great suprise when I went to my mailbox! I got my first postcard from a pen pal and it totally made my day. It was just funny because I mailed out my letters last night. When I picked up my stationery box today a spider the size of colorado came running out of it. When I was done crapping myself and screaming I squished it. Why do spiders have to be so sneaky. If it would have been in a corner I would have left it alone. But NOoooooooooooooooo it just has to charge at me. Buttholes. They really are the creepiest things on earth. My husband is scared of slugs. Big strong man jumps and screams at slugs. Maybe it reminds him of the leeches he got stuck on him when he swam in the river once. I could not maintain if I had leaches stuck to me. I would stop drop and roll and then probably pass out.

Er. I should go be domestic n such.

Nerd

I'm having a bad hair day. No matter what I do it looks like well uh poo. Even the almighty bun could not tame my bitchy hair today. Oh well, all I did was go buy stationery anyway. I didn't go to the gym today but I did power clean the entire house so I'm saying that counts. I have two new penpals that I picked up from soulcysters and today I wrote my first letters to them. I will be suprised if they can read them considering my handwriting is worse than my sons on some days. Why the hell don't they make lined stationery for nerds like me? But anyway I am excited to write real letters. There is always this joy I get when I open the mailbox and there is something besides bills and junkmail waiting for me. Plus I have an addiction to cards. Mhm. Thats right, I like to mail cards at all times of the year. My favorite? Halloween. That just happens to be my favorite holiday too.

I'm already coming up with ideas to make the kids on this street scream in terror. And for some reason I keep thinking that being Richard Simmons would be a good idea this year. Hmmm. The last few years I haven't really been able to stay home and scare the bejesus out of anyone because I was out taking my son and my husband trick or treating. This year I think I'll just install tracking devices in their buckets and stay home. I really like dressing up like a bush and then jumping out at people when they come by. I scared some guy so bad once he punched me. But oh was it worth it to see him jump. I'm not evil. I swear.

Today my husband tore down this ugly shed that has been taking up way too much of our yard. It was here when we bought this place and has been full of someone elses junk. We finally got tired of it and just took everything to the dump and tore down the shed. Now I am making some plans to build a little brick patio with a brick bbq in it. Oh yeah, eating outside and having a few drinks in the summer is the best.

I'm tired and I have a long day of job searching tomorrow. Blindly emailing out my resume makes me a little nervous so I had deliver it. Yeah it makes me want to gauge my eyes out too.



HOLY CRAP, its after 12 now. That means its 8/22. Now this may not mean a lot to you guys but for the longest time I've been having dreams about 8/22. I cannot explain it. So lets sit back and see what Karmic joy ride I'm in for today. I need to go put my helmet on just in case...

I've been bamboozled!

I can't find a picture today to fit my mood. Anyway. So the hubby and I were talking last night and he wants to try to conceive again. Yeah. I guess I'm okay with it. But we have to wait until November. I want to lose a little bit more weight first. About 20 more. I keep telling him that weight does play a big issue in conception. Maybe I will switch to a new med since clomid wasnt working. Or maybe I'll just buy some eggs and sit on them until they hatch. Ugh

Haunted

I have this image of mr. T that pops in to my head every once and a while and its not pretty. Anyway, happy weekend to everyone! It was a long day. I finished school shopping for my son and managed to get a little house work done, but really I feel like just taking off for the weekend. My husband doesn't really want to but he'll be okay with the idea once I hog tie him and throw him in the back of the van. I know that sounds harsh but its a lot easier than shooting him with a tranquilizer dart and then trying to move him.

I finally cleaned up my computer room. My husband likes to stash all sorts of things he think he will "need" later in here. I just put them all right back in the garage. I don't know what it is about men and their need to keep anything that is remotely mechanical. We have 3 tv's in the house and guess how many remotes? Last time I counted it was 9. Yep, he wanted to keep the 6 for tv's we didn't have because he thought he would need them some day. Now granted, sometimes it does pay off. Like when I was gardening this spring and needed to build a web for my tomatoes. Here comes handy dandy hubby with two metal poles and some twine. He's getting better though. Now we just need to work on my bill organization skills.

I just sat here and stared at the screen for almost ten minutes

Blink blink blink

I think its time to do something else.

Its official. Today I weigh less than my husband. Today I weigh less than I have in 6 years. Today I am happy. 203. I know thats a lot to most of you. But to me its not. And I'm getting so close to being in the 100s that I can taste it. Today was a good day. There is less and less of me every day. Measurement check in time. Everyone please close your eyes while I disrobe. OKAY here we go

Neck: 15 - .5 from start date

Bust: 47 -4 from start date

Waist: 44 -4 from start date

Hips: 45.5 -3 from start date

Thigh: 23 -3 from start date

So I have shed 14.5 inches. Thats not to shabby, but I still have a long way to go. I've also lost 36 lbs. Thats quite heavy. Try lifting four ten lb bags of potatos. Yeah, thats what fell off me. It has come to my attention that some dieters think you are well weak if you indulge occasionally. Thats fine. But I believe that you cannot live in deprivation. I think its bad for you. I eat a peice of chocolate everyday. I pretty much eat what other people do, I just make better choices about where I have it and what goes into it. I also eat a LOT less. I have half a sandwitch, or half a bowl of spagetti. I know that if I do it any other way it will come right back. I admire the strength and will power of others, but i am just doing what is best for me.

I went to the playground today for my workout. I played soccer, played on the swings and slides. It was the best workout I have had in a while. Funnest too.

Whats sleep....no really what is it

La lala alalalalalala I cannot sleep so I decided to take some quizes.




You are Animal.
You are completely nuts, but fun to be around.

SPECIAL TALENTS:
Drums, Women, Food.
HOBBIES:
Drums, Women, Food.

FAVORITE EXPRESSIONS:
"Louder!", "Food now!" and
"Want Woman!"

LAST BOOK EATEN:
"The Musicians' Guide to Drums, Women &
Food"

NEVER LEAVES HOME WITHOUT:
An appetite.


What Muppet are you?
brought to you by Quizilla



You are Stewie. All you care about is world
domination and killing your mother Lois, good
luck with your plans!


Which Family Guy Character are You?
brought to you by Quizilla



Bison:
You fear social contact. Your greatest enemy is
the mosquito. You will usually be found at the
arcade working on your Frogger game.


What's your codename?
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Overcome by Tricky


What's Your Sexual Theme Song?
brought to you by Quizilla



you are Augustus you love chocolate and your
favourite hobby is eating you are probably fat
so maybe it would be a good idea to stop eating
so much chocolate.



Which character are you from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
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Well that was an hour well spent.

I have something brewing

Okay I'm going to make my list, I'll finish this in an hour or so. I finished my list and it can be found here . I just thought that I needed something to tackle and I just happened to be it. So today was kind of blah. I didn't go to the gym, but I did run to 7-11 which was quite a workout. Made my hubby and son come too.

Some days we take my husband lucnch at work, and today was one of those days. We left here just in time but to my suprise the freeway was closed down. I was mad because we were late to see my husband. Then on the way home I seen why it was closed. The accident was horrible and fatal. A semi truck crossed the median and hit a two cars head on. What tore my heart out is that one of the cars was missing its top and just crunched so bad but you could still see the childrens toys in the back. Gives me chills just to think about it. My heart and prayers go out the families. By the way the truck driver ( who caused the accident was not even bruised)

I had a strange dream last night. I was going bald. And not just a little bit. It was weird because I have really thick hair. I wonder if its all those pcos boards and stories I read. Or maybe I am fixing to lose my hair. Or maybe I'm just losing my mind. I seem to be stuck in some kind of rusty mind rut. blah.

Hahahha as I turned on my itunes I was reminded of my first junior highschool dance. Oh I was such a nerd. I wore neon green spandex! And I had a perm. I really had a crush on this guy named trevor. He was blonde and athletic. And he liked the cute little blonde that lived by him. I tried to win him over. We exchanged notes and candy but never anything more. But anyway back to the dance. I was so nervous. I didn't really know anyone there because everyone there was in the IN crowd and like I said I was a nerd. I didn't dance much, and he never asked me to dance. That is how the rest of my love life went pretty much. When I was in high school I was a bit more popular. I had friends quite a few actually but I made the mistake of getting involved in drugs. Needless to say I ended up in rehab by 17. Thats where I met Noah. OOOOOOOOOoh Noah. He was a beautiful hippy if there ever was one. He drank this green goo everday and was so cute. We exchanged letters and had lots of talks and walks but he fell for another girl there. Sigh. Then something happened because suddenly guys were into me. I think it was the breast but hey who knows. Then it all went down hill. I'll spare you the details. And then tada, here I am fat and married. Well not as fat as I was. OH. I still haven't weighed myself at the gym yet. I'm scared. I will do it tomorrow morning. Is it weird that losing weight is scaring me a little? I've never been healthy. It just seems so strange.

Tuesdays are for turds

I'm baaaaaaaaAaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaack. Hehehehe. So it went well. Good actually. I always get this weird kind of high when I have a few days with my family. No phones, no computers and no scales. We stayed in a beautiful house that was litterally right in the sand. I'll post some pictures as soon as I get them developed. And I ate about 25 lbs of lasagna. But we won't focus on that. On the way back we stopped and played in the river. It was so nice there that we decided to go camping there for labor day. Get back to nature and all that stuff. I LOVE camping. Whats not to love? The dirt, the smores, hanging in the hammock with my husband. Good time I tell you.

I went to the outlet malls while we were there and took so much joy in the fact that I could buy cute clothes. And normal bras!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't wait until november. Why november you ask???? Well for my birthday this year my lovely man toy is taking me shopping for a new wardrobe. Yep thats right. He's buying me new everything from undies to boots. Mmmmmmmmm boots. And we get to run away for the night by ourselves. Thats always fun too. But I get to buy shoes:) Speaking of shoes, you guys should all go visit Michele, shes got great shoes in that picture but shes also got some fun get to know each other games. Thats where I spend my time when soulcysters goes down...like now.

I think these will be my next victim.

Anyway, I have been addicted to a lot of things in my life. Food, drugs, bad friends, men, ciggarettes, hairspray, and the list could really go on for a while. I've spent most of my late 20s trying to kick all of them and I think I've done a pretty decent job. All I've got left is some food issues I am still working on. But I digress. I need a new addiction. Something to focus on. I garden in the summer but its almost fall. My husband would like me to keep it to something that isn't dangerous or put us into bankruptcy. So what are you addicted too? I tried being addicted to sex but in reality I just don't feel like shaving every day. And for my husbands its not safe when I'm not shaven. I tried being addicted to excersize. But um, hahahahahahahahahhhhhahahahahahaha. Yeah not going to happen.

So I am gearing up to re-enter the working masses. Thats what I will be focusing on for the next few weeks. Wish me luck.

It's that time

Its my favorite time of year. Its vacation time. So I'm off for a bit, I'm sure I'll have plenty to write about and pictures to post when I get back. I'm leavin the laptop and the scale at home. Aaahhhhhhhhh I feel relaxed already.

We all have wings

But only some of us know whyyyyyyyyyhhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyhyyyy. I have that song stuck in my head. Its better than styx thou. I seem to have regained control of my organs today. I feel good. I had a date with my husband today and I got all dressed up and stuff. We ended up going to home depot and buying trees and flowers after dinner. HOME DEPOT ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Its my favorite place. I ended up buying a tree and a magnolia and some cannas. Got all but one in the ground tonight. Now thats what I call a romantic date, getting all sweaty and dirty. Our yard and garden just look fabulous this year. I started a roll of film so as soon as I get it developed I'll post them.

I have a digital camera. I just hate it. More than you can imagine. Pictures just aren't oh I don't know ummmm fun if you can tell how they turned out immediately. I always love when I drop off a roll of film and see pictures of things I had forgotten about. My favorite picture of my husband is him with an elvis impersonator who just happens to be my brother in law. My favorite picture of my son is of his first smile. I was actually lucky enough to catch it! I keep a camera in my purse because I really think its the things you don't plan on seeing that are the most beautiful.

Something

Happy friday everyone!!!!!!!!!!!! I decided last night to ditch the clomid. That means that my eggs will just have to get there ass in gear. I feel wonderful now and I really don't want to turn back into uberbitch. That makes people nervous at the bank. I want to concentrate on going back to work. I realize that things will change if I'm not home all day but I really think it is something I need to do for myself. Human contact is nice sometimes. I think just feeling like I am helping to financially support this family will be nice. Up until my husband asked me to stay home I have had a job since I was 16. So first I am going to try to find something part time. Work my way into. Or I might just go balls to the wall and go full time. But it is difficult after being out of the workforce for five years. I don't know what I am qualified for anymore. But I'm going to go see whats out there next week.

I'm also preparing for our trip to the beach. This is the reason I love living in oregon. It is so beautiful here. We get out of the city and go to the beach 3 or 4 times a year. But in august we usually go for a little longer. We rent vacation houses right on the ocean and live it up. So now I am creating this list of things to get ready and I swear the damn thing is taller than I am. It wouldn't be so frustrating if I had some help. Oh they will help. They will help to drive me crazy while I'm trying to get everything done. I have to have a list, my husband on the other hand just kind of opens the van door and throws stuff in. Thats how I ended up with no shoes on vacation once.

Evil

Hahahahahahaha go ahead ask me how a slice of cucumber just about killed me. See as I was cruising thru the boards at soul cysters I found a thread of things that people can't eat while on metformin. One of the common ones was lettuce. Now as I read that I am rolling my eyes thinking a vegetable can't cause all that havoc. Cut to me having dinner last night. I had a few slices of cucumber with my dinner. Same dinner I had the other night with no side effects. Now cut to an hour later and you will see me in the bathroom feeling like all my organs are on fire. The only word that can describe it is violent. Needless to say I understand now, and will be passing on the cucumbers for a bit. I love the way I learn my lessons in the grossest possible way. I can't just figure things out on my own. That would be WAY too easy.

Its hot today. Like edging up to 100 degrees. So I am staying inside in all my airconditioned glory. Although I might journey out to target today to buy a scale. I've been thinking about buying one that measures body fat too, but I don't really know if they work. Then I can just play scale whore at home. I always feel like the scale at the gym is lying to me. I don't know why it just makes me suspicious.

I also decided to rebel against my cycle day 21 ritual arm stabbing for my progesterone level. For a few reasons really, but I just don't want to. Day 21 is right before my vacation and I really don't feel like being all upset and emotional while I'm gone. And for once, I am okay with not knowing. I am starting to feel so much better. It is amazing the difference having the right diagnosis can make. I've also decided to take next month off of clomid. Give myself a break. Let my boobs rest. Finish some dental work. I went to the dentist today and found out I have a cavitiy! I know, bad me. Now I'm off to go play in the dirt. Or nap. Maybe I'll just nap in the dirt.

-----------------------------------------

Jennifer, who lives over at jennifer getting buff, pointed out to me that I forgot to post my weightloss!!!!!!!!!!!! So I went to target today. I put all the scales down on the floor and jumped all over all of them to see which one was the most accurate. So I picked one out and brought it home. I set it to zero and hopped on. 210 people. 210. After I finished dancing around in my underwear I jumped back on again just to make sure. Still 210. The day I break 200 I think I will go crazy. Hopefully that day will come before my sons bday. Then I can relax and have a slice of cake. Just for fun today I picked up a 30 lb weight at the store. That shit is heavy! No wonder I feel better already, I'm not luggin that around. Now if I could just get a waist line...

213

HOLY COW. 213. Actually 212.5. I almost crapped myself when I seen that. Seems like my plan of just eating whatever I want is working.....and the long gym sessions are starting to pay off. So to date I have lost 26 lbs. I bought new gym clothes today. Cute little gym shorts and a tank top. But heres the thing. I bought xl. Now to skinny people that means nothing. But to a fatty, well its a lot. It means the difference of being able to buy normal clothes and plus size clothes. It means shopping on the cute side of the store. I was so giddy today I couldn't stop giggling.

I slept late today and just kind of enjoyed my husband having the day off. We did some garden work (pics are on the way) and did a little shopping. Getting my son ready to start kindegarten is a really traumatic experience for me. In my mind I still see him as being my little baby, but that dream was shattered when I had to buy school supplies today. I was trying not to have a breakdown as I was picking out markers. But my son? He is so excited. Doubly excited that he gets to ride the bus. The first day he gets on the bus I will probably have a heart attack.

Did I mention we got a dog? Well I'm a sucker. I gave in and we got a pomeranian. Yes I know, they are hairy and smelly. But he's a good dog and has the same color hair I do. I'm just buying into every stereotype this year. I got a minivan, drove to soccer games, and now I have a little ankle biter. Mmmmmmmmm that makes me sexy. I'm also sexy cause my rolls no longer hang over my pants like some weird science experiment gone wrong. As for that coat, I am going to buy it as soon as its cold. And I may just get some boots to match. Hello. My name is fatty and I'm a boot whore. I decided to make shoes my rewards cause I love them OH so much. And they won't make my ass wider.

duh

Today I am truly greatful that I am alive. I didn't have a near death experience or anything, I am just really apreciating what I have. I may have a few bumps (okay fat rolls) in my life but in the grand scheme of things I am a very lucky woman. I have a mate who truly knows and loves me. I have a son who is just I don't know how to explain it. I am proud of him. He is smart and polite and funny. He is a peice of me and everytime I look into his eyes I am reminded of the amazing things that have happened to me. And I am greatful for all of it. Even the kind people I have met online that are encouraging and my cheerleaders. I could not be happier today.

BUT I have to say that after 6 hours outside in the sun I only have one thing to say ...FAT PEOPLE SHOULD NOT DO YARD WORK....okay thats all. I enjoyed it, don't get me wrong but as I sit here I can feel all my muscle fibers starting to scrunch up one by one. I moved wood and about 30592048554509485 lbs of other stuff. But it looks great. I think I am going to plant some assorted poppies underneath our crabapple tree. Just a little bit of color. I should take some pictures of my garden and post them. It is what I do to destress. I love digging in dirt and playin with worms and all that fun stuff. Although I am a little disturbed by the dead birds the cats have been leaving me. I know they are proud but I do not get happy about dead birds in my shoe. My dahlias are so huge this year!!!!!!!!!! Any my elephant ear is getting big too. MMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm dirt.

So I was thinking that I may just buy myself a new coat this winter. My old one will be a bit big and I am even thinking about getting the one I have coveted for years. Its all sorts of girly and I always told myself I would get it after I took off a little weight. So maybe just maybe. Its hard to think of ways to reward yourself once you give up bingeing. I used to dive into some ben and jerrys or taco bell, now I am thinking about clothes...that fit. And I have decided that once my weight gets where I want it I will gut my bathroom and get a big tub. Right now I just have a shower. I refuse to use the boys bathroom. I need a hazmat suite and a squeegee just to go in there. I am not sure what my goal weight is yet. I will figure it out as I go along. I just want to feel good. Bmi charts freak me out so I'm not consulting one of those either. I'm just going by the size of my thighs.

Just another manic monday

I have a confession to make. The last week I have been eating MASS amounts of chocolate. I couldn't stop myself it was like this supernatural satan like craving. Yesterday for example I ate nothing but candy almost all day. So keeping this in mind I go to the gym tonight. And I jump on the scale. 216 lbs. I got confused and then jumped back off and kicked it around a bit. Got back on. Still 216 lbs. For the love of god will someone please tell me how I lost three lbs by eating candy for days before my brain explodes. My husband has been telling me I look thinner too. Hmmmmmmmmmmm. And to think, last week I was ready to go low carb. Hahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahaha. Jokes on you sugar natzis.

It was a beautiful day today. Although I really didn't get to spend much of it outside. I did make my healthy nachos today. They disappeared in seconds. I managed to get a few bites in before my husband and son attacked them. Good stuff I tell you. I am really trying to find some inspiration for recipe ideas. It seems like every healthy recipe I see is for fish or rice something. Don't get me wrong, I love them but a girl needs some real food sometimes. So my first quest will be to find a lasagna recipe that isn't too deadly but still yummy.

I think I ovulated yesterday. Yeah on day 9! Too bad the hubby and I weren't really uhh mating around that time. But I'm not worried. I could be wrong. Or maybe my ovary just blew up yesterday. Both are very possible. I wonder if there has actually ever been a case of anyone just blowing an ovary. Kind of like a flat tire. I wonder if it would make the noise a balloon does when you let go of it and it squeaks across the room. Hmmmmm

Weekend smeekend

I had a weird experience yesterday. I went to my nephews pool party. And there I was all covered up in my dress watching everyone else have a great time in the pool. Then out of no where I just decided not to give a shit. I got in my swimsuit and just dove in...IN FRONT OF EVERYONE. New thing for me. And I felt okay about it. I played and ate and for once didnt' try to suck anything in. Fabulous I tell you.

Besides that not too much to report. Barbequed at the park tonight, and cleaned the house. The usual stuff. Getting ready to have some baby makin sex. So everyone send slutty egg vibes my way.