Heavy minded

I have to ask. Do you believe everything happens for a reason? Absolutely everything? I have something eating away at the back of my brain I just can't let go of. I think I should give a bit of background because I don't speak of K very often. K is the "biological" father of my son. We were in a shitty relationship and I was stupid because I assumed since I wasn't having a period I couldn't get pregnant. Yeah. After I discovered I was pregnant K decided an abortion was in his best interest. I just couldn't do it. Of course I was young and didn't really have a support system but I just couldn't imagine stopping a heart that was beating inside of me. I refused and so he went away. I was alone during my pregnancy and birth. A single parent just barely in my twenties, scared and lonely. I worked hard (most days 10+ hours) at a job I hated but I did what I had to do. Then one day I got a call from K. Out of the blue. He met my son and then decided that parenthood was not his thing and decided to surrender his parental rights. I met my husband, my boss at said hated job and we got married and started trying to have children after about 9 months. We all know how well that has worked out, but back to the point. Out of all the miles of land on this great earth where do you think K ended up? OH YES, a mere walking distance from my house. When we run into each other basicly nothing is said and we just go on about our lives. It had been a year or so since I had run into him until yesterday. He was buying a mothers day card for his wife. Thats a cruel blow. There is a long history between us and I can say most of it is not good. I know for a fact that I am not the only woman he had the abortion talk with. I do know I'm also the only one that didn't go through with it. What struck me yesterday is how sad I am for the women that believed in his lies, and gave him the trust I refused to. After all that talking in circles lemme get to the point. Why do I keep running into this man at the worst possible times. Seriously. I'm in target bleeding away and here is mr ex buying a mothers day card for the mother of his children.

If anything good came out of that I realised how lucky I am to have my husband who loves me pms fueled rages and all. I know he does his best and loves me with all his heart. Its not easy to see every day in the middles of the why can't you pick up your socks conversations but I know we are unbreakable. Maybe K's purpose of popping up in my life is to make me gratefull for all I have. I cannot imagine my life without my son. I would be empty without his joy. A true miracle.

I have a tiny bit of a confession to make. I think that our problem in the conception area might be related to my husbands low volume. He has a great count arould 200 mil/ml, fantastic progression 4+, and an average morph of 50%, but the volume is consistantly around 1.5. This is after no activity for 3 days. Add into that my crappy mucus and we may have the reason. I have to say he is being a trooper and taking his vitamins and trying only to have a beer or so on sundays during golf. Could low volume really be the reason? If so will iui be the answer for us? I have to admit after reading several blogs about iui I'm not really the optomistic. Am I setting us up for failure? Is this just a hump to get over on the way to ivf. I've searched and googled low volume to death and never seem to come up with much. There is nothing wrong, all his plumbing has been checked so I don't know what to do. Is this male factor? I have so many questions for dr. m at the first scan it is crazy. I can't keep my mind still right now. I just don't want to go through all the motions of iui if there isn't much hope.

Okay I think I need to go to the gym and run mindlessly.