I had a long blabbering post all ready to go on mothers day. Then I happened to read a few blogs and see how everyone elses mothers day was going. While infertility has been hard I do have a child. It humbled me when I thought of all the pain that must be associated with that holiday and I immediately stuck my foot in my mouth. I hope and pray that all of you know the joy of a hand drawn mothers day card. I love my son so profoundly and I think its a love we should all have the privledge of knowing.

But I'm still sad. I should have been pregnant on mothers day. Huge and round and picking out a crib. The closer my edd gets the crazier I get. To be honest its still hurts as much as it did then. I SHOULD be worrying about stretch marks and breast pumps. Instead I'm looking down an empty bottle of femara and wondering if my ovaries are going to try and slip an egg past me again. I'm also trying to figure out how to honor my edd. I know I cannot change it, but it still seems weird not to honor something that was alive even if it was only for a small time. Its a hard spot to be in and now I understand. I had friend who had experienced miscarriage and never fully knew what she was feeling. I wondered why she couldn't move on. But now that I'm in this place of hope and sorrow I know. It can be a shitty universe can't it?

So me and mr fatty started saving for ivf once we figured out it might not be as easy as well, having sex. I think I went over this before but I'm still unsure. We have enough for ivf and then some but how much are fets? Assuming we cannot get into a shared risk program we want to have it all up front so there are no suprises and no snags. I need a calculator and some serious help here. I guess I could call and ask. I will add that to my list of things to do tomorrow. Talk about a phone call I thought I would never make. . . .