I was having a good day. Went to the gym, got errands done, and watched a movie. We got a call that my brother in laws father passed away this morning. We knew it was coming, he has had cancer for quite a while. My husband is going to the house tonight to help get whatever needs to be done done. Since he was going over there me and tater tot (ds) decided to grab a quick dinner and rent some movies.

On the way back from the movie store we passed a pregnant girl smoking. Just when you thought it couldn't get worse her husband called her a whore. I wasn't going to let it get to me today. It got mr fatty instead. He's eyes welled up and he just said he didn't understand. It was like opening a floodgate. He talked about having dreams of a baby that looked like him but had my blue eyes and how his heart is aching. He is heartbroken and sad and I cannot fix it. It is starting to haunt him like it does me, and I never wanted that to happen.

Here are a few of my favorite things

It seems so easy to focus on the negative sometimes. So I decided to make up a list of my favorites for friday. Hey, what a nifty name, friday favorites.


First lets start off with the giant veggie pic I've been promising! For size comparison I have added an opk for reference

Now out of many things that make my garden wonderful I must say this geranium I picked up for a buck fifty because it was dying has turned into my favorite. See what some love and fertilizer can do.

Here I have made some biscuits to counter act all the hard work I've been putting in at the gym. Oh come on, you know you want one. They were fabulous dipped into my potato sausage soup. Oh yeah, its all going straight to the hips

Unless...here is my beloved yoga mat. I am suprised it doesn't have my ass print permanently imbedded in it yet. Its ugly, but comfy and I have yet to slip on it. Oh and notice the new bedding I bought when IUI #2 failed. I love it. Mmmmmmmmmm softness


So that is a few things in my life right now I am thankful for. Screw the messed up opks, I've got good veg and a soft bed!


So tell me, what are your favorites?

OR just call me stupid pants

First of all thanks for the positive comments. It goes to show that even after losing 90 lbs you have to keep up with maintaining your weight. Anyway went to the gym, feel sore blah blah blah.


OH YEAH DID I MENTION I MISSED MY DAMN SURGE. I checked last night and it was almost positive....really close. This morning still close but no cigar. Since the call in deadline for appointments is noon I figured no biggie. My surge will start some time tonight or tomorrow. Well just for giggles I poas when I got in from the gym. I have never seen such a negative opk in my life. Hm. Maybe I should go try one again.

Please hold....

Still negative. Like squinting to see the second line on an answer opk. Yeah, thats negative. Sooooooooooooooooooooo looks like I'm getting a break from the speculum this month after all. Of course we will have the obligatory sex, but I think I'll mix up a few drinks and not worry. No hip propping tonight!

Just call me sausage pants

I've gained back 20 pounds. There I said it. Shit shit shit. So in response to this unpleasant revelation I have dusted off the gym bag and returned to my old love....I missed the gym. Its the only place I feel equal because there usually aren't any pregnant women lurking in there. Shit. 20 pounds! I could say its the depression, or the miscarriage, maybe even the fertility drugs but thats a lie. I just sat on my fat ass eating pop tarts and now my jeans barely button. I shall fix this. THIS I can fix.

It looks like iui #3 will be sometime in the next few days. I did develope 2 nice follies taking the soy isoflavones. Hrm. Who would have thought it would work? I'm off to bed. I'm beat from my workout.

Ready

I guess I should elaborate on my last post. I cannot say that I have given up ALL hope on iui. I always have a chance of winning the 140 million dollar lotto or getting hit by lightning too. It is possible. I'm just feeling the pressure of failure breathing down my neck. It was a good flip out to have because now I know I am ready to move forward if I need to. We'll see if we get lucky with the iuis (and I do believe it will take luck) but if we don't I'm okay with that. I say that now but I totally reserve the right to flip out when faced with another bfn.

Enough jibberish about my girly parts. Today was harvest day out in the garden and I hauled in the biggest zucchini ever. I will take pics tomorrow, but seriously I could use it as a lethal weapon. The asian pears and blackberries are so sweet right now I really can't keep myself out of them.

Oh, is anyone reading along with the barren bitches book tour? If you aren't I would encourage you to read along. The current tour can be found here . The book (Love and Other Impossible Pursuits) is really interesting because I feel really torn about the main character. I won't say more than that. But it is a really good read.

Also just a psa. If you need to find anything try checking the lost and found thingy in the sidebar over yonder. Its a good way to find someone, make an anouncement, or find bloggers who have been there, done that, and can lend some advice.

Nowhere land

Welcome to scrambled brainville. I haven't even been able to put a string of thoughts together lately. I'm just so so so something.

Trip went well. Had the talk with mr fatty. You know the one where you decide to go ahead and finish the IUI cycles so you can move on with your life. As it turns out I may not be the only one who has lost the faith for the almighty IUI. To be honest it seems to work for most (if it is going to at all) within the first two cycles. Well we failed both so basicly we are ready to accept our fate and move on if needed. We currently have enough for 1 ivf and two fet saved so now we are just going to sit back and let this journey take us where it may. We even had the "what if ivf doesn't work for us" talk. Yeah that was hard.

See I must explain that mr fattys oldest brother (he comes from a family of 13 kids) has never had kids. No known reason it has just never happened. Mr fatty is now wondering if that will be his life story too. It terrifies him, but not to the point of using donor egg or semen if we find a bump in the road later on. Yes, you heard me. The man who is willing to donate semen, and donate embryos if we do ever achieve our goal is against me using them. Well how am I supposed to feel about that? I believe it is just the fear talking and that if we were ever really faced with that decision that he would decide differently.

Woooooooooah I went totally off topic. So, the point is we are just going to haul ass through these iuis so I can move on. I feel like I'm stuck on a merry-go-round. I would just like to vomit and get off.

Smooches

Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, what does a girl on a break do?

She

*packs again.....mr fatty is taking me to california for the weekend!

*freaks out about flying

*decideds to take soy instead of clomid

*eats her own weight in frozen poptarts...strawberry

*schedules cd 11 wanding

*paints nails

*has a quick yet efficient panic attack about flying

*clips some flowers from the garden to bring in to share with you

My garden is doing very well this year. I am over run with giant zuchinni and veggies of the sort. My flowers are big and bright. Apparently I can grow everything except a human. Okay I'm going to finish packing. Have a good weekend everyone

Shallow

You know reatail therapy is a wonderful thing. I bought some fantastic new linens and pillows. I know it may be shallow but it made me feel worlds better. I also got a few tops and the biggest box of mint cookies I could find. But really what made me feel better was the go carts. We took 2 of my nephews and 3 of my nieces with us to the family fun center and spent the day playing lazer tag, go carts, mini golf, and bumper boats. I have the worlds worst sunburn right now, but it was totally worth it. If anyone is wondering I was top shooter every time we played lazer tag!

I know we have only done two IUI cycles but I call fowl. I'm taking August off. No meds no charting. I felt CRAZY this month. Like ready to run away and go live in a tent in the desert crazy. We want to go camping, rafting, and to a oyster and wine festival and I don't feel like worrying about anything right now so I declare august a stress free zone.

The one where hope takes a 500 lb shit on me

**I hate blogger so much right now I can't even verbalize it. I have been unable to comment or really sign in because the stupid pages keep refreshing. Also I lost my gmail password so if anyone has emailed me I'm not ignoring you on purpose, I'm just an idiot. **

OKAY, so here I sit, 10 dpo. My progesterone was lovely a lovely 30 @ 7dpo. I have not started spotting yet. My breast hurt, I feel like spewing at any moment, and I have been having a seriously sensitive nose. So I get up and poas this morning and I am greeted by the most negative test I have ever seen. Not even an evap. Shit. For some reason I thought this was it. Good egg, good timing, good count. What could go wrong right? I think I need some retail therapy.

Get out your umbrellas

Well it seems that it is that time of year again. The summer flowers are blooming, the smell of charcoal hangs heavy in the air, and a whole shittin rain storm of bfps is a coming our way. I can't really talk. I was part of the october flood, but still it sucks. It would feel a bit better if we could get an even share over here in infertile ville but it seems to rain mostly on those who have been trying for two months (gasp) or who weren't even really trying. For people who have dealt with infertility I feel no bitterness. I do feel a LOT of bitterness towards people who seem to procreate without even trying. There I admitted it. Yeah, you the girl in safeway today who had 3 under the age of 5.....I hate you. Its not a personal thing I just want to sneak into your house at night and steal an ovary. Okay maybe use the uterus for 9 months or so. I promise to return it when I'm done. I'm just feeling a bit crazy now. Every where I turn there are either huge bellies in my face or someone smiling saying "you'll never guess our good news!". Oh but I can guess. I know, I can sense it like some kind of stupid sixth sense.

So how does one get through monsoon season without permanently losing ones mind? I believe it is a find mixture of rum and cocke (not in the tww of course) and driving mr fatty insane. I am so good at the last one its almost too easy now. To try and take the load off of mr fatty I am going to start exercising again. I'm not supposed to do anything too strenuous past 5dpo since it makes me spot. Apparently my vagina hates exercise too....but I figure anything up till then and then walking after 5do would be fine. I have no intention on asking dr M if this is okay I'm just going to do it. My pants are getting tight so that over rules anything and everything. Also I am using the progest again, which seems to help with the spotting even though my progesterone levels are high almost every time I get them checked, so there.

Tomorrow is errand day and I am dreading it with a passion. OH speaking of things (even though this really has nothing to do with errands) mr fatty and I are sharing dreams. We both had dreams about snow the day of the iui and then last night cashews. Hmmmmm. Odd isn't it? I looked up dream meanings and it gave the usuall useless info it could be good or bad blah blah blah. All I know is that my dream was beatiful and I just felt so peaceful.

Now where was I? Oh yes, errands. So tomorrow on my huge list of things to do is finally buying my young niece a baby gift. She had the baby before we left for vacation and we have yet to go see her. It seems like passing my edd quieted things in my brain a bit and now I feel like I can go. It was hard since she was so close to my due date but now I am happy for her. Envious, but happy. I wouldn't wish our situation on anyone.

I also plan on making a few changes to the site and adding some linkage and such. I really have no idea why I'm babbeling on like this. Maybe it is the wine, the tiredness, the fact that thanks to half a pain pill (don't worry no Nsaids) my shoulder is not screaming, or maybe I'm just running my mouth here so mr fatty can have a bit of a break. Did I mention that after his sample the other day he was so tired he feel asleep on the little couch? And not a lite sleep, we are talking deep woods bear type snoring sleep. I love him so much for that very reason. Who couldn't?

What is tmi anyway?

Okay now that I've got a bit of pain meds in my system its time to write about IUI #2! Apparently I strained not one but two muscle groups so yeah..I'm talented. Anyway back to the iui.

I got my suprisingly early +opk on monday which kind of horrified me since we had quite the love fest twice on sunday but I went ahead and made the appointment for tuesday. This time Mr.fatty (lets call him mf) wanted me in the room with him during his uhhhhh deposit time. So being the helpful wife I am I adorned myself with my best lingerie under my dress that morning. Good thing I did. For the first time he was nervous....really nervous. But what I think is funny was him telling me to lift my dress and bend over. May be odd but it worked people! Even after we almost had accidental penetration (please don't ask) he gave his best sample ever and went from 30 million to 47 million and the motility even went up! Even better the lab tech showed us his little army of penetrators and he was amazed to see them. I guess even though he has been having good results he still never really believed it because he hadn't seen it. Now he feels confident in their ability.

On my side the iui was painless and went well. Apparently my mucus looked a bit better this month, but there wasn't much of it at all. I feel like I ovulated about 5 hours later so I think th timing was pretty good. I hate to say it but I'm hopeful. Yep, I know I am setting myself up for disappointment but this month I'm okay with that. I say that now but in two weeks I'll probably be crying into a bottle of wine.

Has anyone been having issues with blogger lately? I swear its hard for me to even login because it keeps refreshing. Then the damn autosave keeps losing my post. I might have to just fork over some cash and buy my own site. Andyone know anything about that?

Lucky

Thank you all for the well wishes. It dawned on me today that I don't have anything lucky. Some have lucky rings, socks, or animals and I've got....well a bunch of nada. Mr. fatty who does believe in luck took me to a stone cutter so I could rub his giant buddah until I find a source of luck on my own. So that leads me to ask...what makes something lucky?

Speaking of which Mr. Fatty has a good feeling about tomorrow too. So I just want to throw this prayer out to the gods of fertility whoever they might be..please let this be our time..please.

woot

Tomorrow is IUI #2 and I'm excited. A little weirded out by an early surge, but happy. Oh and I hurt the crap out of my shoulder. Will update tomorrow.

Mr fatty has made it clear that I have issues with making up my mind and clearly stating what I want. Maybe it was the tequila last night, but my list of wants became amazingly clear...

I want

*cheese nips...mass quantities
*to be able to live my life without these two week rollercoasters
*to be able to buy pads without crying*to feel like a woman again*to make my husband a father
*peace of mind
*my life to stop revolving around something I apparently have little to no control over
*a maid. Seriously.
*to be able to jump back in the workforce quickly
*my dahlias to quit opening towards the neighbors house
*a very strong drink


But mostly today I want

*to know what our baby would have looked like...would it have daddies big brown eyes and stick straight hair or my blue eyes and strawberry blonde hair? Would you have loved the smell of grass like I do? What would your first words have been? I want to know WHO you would have been as a person and I'm sad I will never know
*to be able to cry, I feel shitty that today is the day and I have no tears left.

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack

So I guess my post about leaving for my vacation never went threw huh?
Well lets sum up the last two weeks.


I got:

a great tan

mouse ears

scared shitless on countless rides

and of course my period on the 4th of July

Yeah I'm bummed my first IUI didn't work but what can I really do? My edd is tomorrow. I suppose I have some long touchy feely post in me somewhere but right now I'm just feeling a bit numb. I'm off to catch up on everyones blogs.