Well this weekend was a rollercoaster ride. The funeral was saturday. It was a beautiful ceremony. Afterwards we got the stuff to bbq at the house and went home to make dinner. I was blissfully making my hamburgers when she showed up. Yes her. My niece that anounced her pregnancy shortly after my miscarriage. You know the one that was due eerily close to my due date. The one that delivered a beautiful baby girl while I holed myself up in my room and cried my eyes out. Yes her. And her baby. In my yard. I really had no where to run. It was like being hit in the face by a bag of bricks. In my mind it doesn't bother me, but in reality when she shows up unanounced complaining of parenthood it made me want to die. Our babies would be the same age.
I haven't been able to bring myself to hold her. But don't think I haven't noticed her tiny little hands and perfect little toes. I feel robbed.
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About Me
The story so far
Its long and boring people so here are the highlights
*started ttc 2001
*thanks to weightloss (90lbs) started ovulating regularly 2005
*April `06 HSG...alls good in the hood
*mr.fatty's SA comes back with high numbers, but a lil low on volume
*September `06 start femara
*November `06 BFP!!!!!!
*November`06 miscarriage...so sad
*December `06 back on the femara train
*June `07 femara + IUI #1...great numbers...BFN
*July `07 femara +IUI #2...even better....BFN
*August `07 soy isoflavones + IUI #3...great SA again but timing sucked...holy crap BFP
*started ttc 2001
*thanks to weightloss (90lbs) started ovulating regularly 2005
*April `06 HSG...alls good in the hood
*mr.fatty's SA comes back with high numbers, but a lil low on volume
*September `06 start femara
*November `06 BFP!!!!!!
*November`06 miscarriage...so sad
*December `06 back on the femara train
*June `07 femara + IUI #1...great numbers...BFN
*July `07 femara +IUI #2...even better....BFN
*August `07 soy isoflavones + IUI #3...great SA again but timing sucked...holy crap BFP
11 comments:
uuuugh - that feeling of saddness- i am sorry!!
I've got a friend whose baby I've refused to hold too, I just can't bare to do it - cuz like you, I stare at the perfect little hands and tiny little mouth and chubby little legs and it's all just too much to take sometimes. I can't imagine how much harder it is for you when your babies would be teh same age. Ugh, this stuff all sucks.
Oh that is so hard! I hope that eventually it gets easier to deal with and that it doesn't pain you as much.
Ouch! That really, really hurts. I know it does. I had two people I know , not really friends thankfully, due around the same time as mine. I have kept such a distance ever since.
I'm so sorry this is family and therefore unavoidable. It must be dreadfully hard.
I am sure that you handled the situation with great ease, but so sorry that you had to be confronted with such pain.
That would have been hard. I am sorry she isn't more sympathetic to your situation.
I would have said something like, "At least you have a baby to hold... stop complaining"
That'll shut 'em up every time! I'm going through the same kind of thing right now... some people just shouldn't be pregnant.
So sorry. I can't imagine what that felt like.
I'm so sorry... that must have been hard. Does your niece know what you are going through and have you told her how you feel? I had a sister like that (who had 3 kids very easily) and she used to constantly complain about her pregnancy and her kids. I used to hold it in and cry by myself but one day we got into a huge fight and I got everything off my chest. Now things are better and she's learnt to be more sensitive. Sometimes people are just completely clueless...! I'm sorry you had to go through that. Hugs to you.
"It was like being hit in the face by a bag of bricks. In my mind it doesn't bother me, but in reality when she shows up unanounced complaining of parenthood it made me want to die."
That's so, so hard. I can so relate to the disjuncture between what's in my mind and what I actually feel/experience in the moment. Excruciating.
I totally get that one... I was in the delivery room (her husband was deployed in the air force - I couldn't say no)for my good friend who "accidentally" got pregnant while I (we) had been trying a while... now that baby's turning one, and we're still trying! I'm not looking forward to the party. :) I'm thinking this has all got to get easier soon! Hang in there. When is your TWW up? I can test on 9/11 of all days!
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