Bugger

Okay so its 4 a.m. and I haven't slept yet. I can't, I might not ever sleep again. So when my husband got home from work we had a nice talk. I just explained to him that I feel like its too much right now. I need to get myself out of this infertility hole I've dug around me. So we decided to stop. In January we will determine if we want to try again. And then he just looked at me and said " you know its funny, I always thought I would have a lot of kids." Talk about a stab to the heart. But I believe we will try when winter is over. I want to enjoy my summer. Im still sad, and slightly irritated that almost EVERY woman in walmart tonight looked like they were about to deliver right then and there. But I feel better.

I fully believe (despite my doctors objection) that my weight is a big issue in all of this. At one point when I was eating right and exercising I was actually bleeding on my own. Then suprise, along came my son. So we will see. I want to drop 30 lbs. See if my cycles will start back up then. If not I may restart treatment, or I may just take the money and run off to jamaica for a bit. Where was I? Oh yeah, getting the fat off my ass. I'm even thinking about joining weight watchers. I notice a lot of bloggers jumped on that band wagon. I will now obsess about my fat....all the time. Woohoo! As I read thru all these blogs I am amazed at the strength and courage some of you have. I revel in the honesty and find myself feeling not so alone. I guess that is the point to all of this.

So I have set some goals for myself for next week. Lets make bets on which ones I actually do.

1. Research healthy eating plans
2. Hunt down at least three job leads
3. Give my husband a much needed massage, and then ask for one in return
4. Have non ovulatory relations hehehe
5. Actually break a sweat at the gym 4 times. No quitting after 15 minutes
6. Start looking into hobbies to fill my need to eat time in the evening

I'll be satisfied with 4 out of 6. Wow I still wonder how I ended up here. I married a man I never pictured myself with, bought a house I hated at first, gave up my sports car for a minivan, quit a good paying job to stay home, went from a normal human being to someone who cries when a pregnant woman waddles by. Hmm. I honestly always pictured myself married to Mr. A (for his sake he will remain nameless). We had something that I thought was really amazing when I was in the middle of it. I loved him, my first real love. I thought about marrying him and having 6 kids and having a huge house and a vacation home. You know what he thought about me? He thought of me as a good lay. That was it. He cheated on me with my friend while I was out in my car. He broke my heart. I hated him so much. And then I took him back. Then I hated him again because I couldn't stop loving him. I was his little whore he kept on a pedistal. Sure I was spoiled, but I was still a toy. I remember the day (3 years after it started) that I knew it was over. I got up the courage to mail back the ring and all the other gifts and told him I had moved on. And I did. I guess now he has a girlfriend that he treats just like he treated me. Its too bad, I know deep deep DEEP down inside he's a beautiful man.

Then I met Mr. K. Ugh. We had a passionate relationship. He lied to me, I lied to him but we mated like bunnies in heat. He was a chef and I was a chubby chic. What better combo could you ask for. I never introduced him to my family or friends. Mainly because I didn't think of him as a boyfriend, and partially because I was embarrassed. We were together for a few months, I started eating better and exercising and all that blah blah blah. And for once in my life my period started coming regularly. I didn't think anything of it until the day it disappeared. And then the vomiting started. And all I could do was cry. I didn't want to be with him and in fact had already broken it off. When I told him his only response was that I should have an abortion immediately. I couldn't do it though, and I went off on my own. I had a son and fell in love with him. He is such a beautiful child. But the ordeal with mr. K was not over yet. When my son was about a year old I contacted him ( I will never understand why ) and he seen my son a few times. Then he walked away. I was so angry at the time, but now I am so glad he did.

I met my husband where I was working at the time. I was a bit of an oddity. I had a child and a good job and was able to support us pretty well. But I struggled with being lonely. It was hard for me to deal with at times and I just felt like if I had someone to support me I would be so much happier. After a few hard years we made it to where we are today. In the burbs just tryin to be happy. I guess its not that bad. As a matter of fact I don't think I would have it any other way.