We are not alone

Last night while in the midst of a very exciting little league game one of the mothers brought up that she had a miscarriage last year. Out of 10 moms 8 had a loss and 4 had delt with infertility of some sort. Its an unfortunate thing to have in common but I no longer feel like an outsider. I cannot thank the women enough for being so honest last night. It made me feel human again.

Ack

Well I went to my appointment today and I feel both excited and depressed. What a combo huh?

Our insurance covers a total of 6 IUIs. Yep, thats it. So our plan is to see what happens. It sounds weird but I do believe it is the best option. Since my eggs seem to explode like cannons any time I take my eyes off them its best just to wait it out. So this cycle we are staying with the femara. If we cannot pinpoint with lab test when O is going to occur then we will talk about different meds. Apparently it can be eaiser to control with injectibles. Ack. Anyone who knows me knows I would rather arm wrestle a bear then get a shot. This should be interesting.

One other thing we did cover is that if we fall into the unfortunate group that doesn't become pregnant from IUI then we will be referred out for IVF. We have ZERO coverage for that but my dr said he would run any testing we need prior to moving clinics so that we did not have to incur any out of pocket payment that wasn't necessary. Yeah, my stomach just rolled when he brought up that possibility but I know it is there. Its a scary thing because I feel like I've just started a train I cannot stop. I'm excited because I feel like this could work, but I'm depressed because I'm scared I will fail my husband again. Too much to think about at the moment so the plan to take it a month at a time is just fine with me.

My son has overheard some discussions we have had and has put two and two together and has figured out we are trying for a baby. At 7 he is one smart boy. He is also lonely and wants nothing more than a sibling. I told him we are going to try, but that sometimes no matter how bad you try you just don't end up with what you planned on. The emotional aspect of secondary infertility on the first child is amazing. We are really the only couple we know with only one child. He longs for another child in this house just as much as my husband and I do. Speaking of which I think it is an interesting dynamic because he has primary infertility and I am dealing with secondary. Between the three of us I think we have it all covered.

On a more personal note I am having cramps from hell. To the point of making me feel sick.
So back onto a better diet I go. I feel better when I avoid red meat and dairy so thats what its going to be. My cramps are worse when I have dairy too. That didn't stop me from having an emergency ben and jerry's cone after the appointment today, but I think the cramping I'm having now is enough of a reminder. Must resist sweet, delicious, cool, creamy ice cream. I also know that it can't hurt egg quality to take better care of myself.

I just want this to work. Scratch that I need this to work.

I found out yesterday that some friends we haven't heard from in a while were having a hard time. Apparently she lost her job, then he lost his job, then he started seeing someone else. Yeah. It just sucked to see all that because I thought they were good together. It just makes me realize how lucky I am sometimes. Don't get me wrong, for all the bitching I do I am well aware of how blessed I am. There is not a day that goes by that I don't thank the cosmos for all I have.

Reason number 969,573,845

I know I've stated before that I really love my husband. Let me add one more reason to that list.

This weekend was the family shower. The one for my niece that is due just days from my edd. There has been a parade of baby showers for her and this was the final and big blowout. People came from out of state, and it was just a huge bonanza. So what does this have to do with my husband? He didn't even tell me about it, instead he wisked me out to the woods to camp in my favorite spot. We built huge fires, floated around in the river, watched the deer, got eaten alive by bugs and played one twisted game of kickball. It was fantastic. A great form of therapy if you will. Mr fatty didn't say a word, just made sure I was content in my own little world.
It wasn't until the last night when we were sitting on the playground that I remembered. I was a bit sad and we talked about how we got here and what we thought the future held for us. I'm all teared up as I sit here because I know that he would do anything to make me happy. Even on days I just want to strangle him I know that I am so luck to have him.

Now that our camping trip is over and I'm back to reality I'm afraid of feeling like a fat ass on our trip. Yeah yeah I know, I'm not morbidly obese anymore but my inner fat girl just isn't getting that message. She is FREAKING out right now. Like cookie dough ripping hair out by the root freaking out.

I just realized I forgot deoderant because I raised my arm and almost passed out. Yeah, I'm having that kind of day. My big appointment is tomorrow to find out the game plan for this month. We'll see what they come up with.

I hate blogger

I swear I have not been slacking. I now officially hate blogger. It has been signing me out every time it auto saves, and for the life of me I can't figure out how to turn it off. So I typed this up in notepad and hopefully copy and paste will work.


I had such high hopes for this cycle, and I guess I shouldn't give up since its not over yet but I feel defeated. The ONLY positive opk I got was at 4 am. Its a really good thing I seduced mr fatty because by the time I got to the clinic the next day you could see that I had popped two follies. Yes two! I'm really frustrated by how difficult this is. I think we are monitoring lh by blood next cycle, but I won't know until I see him in a few days.


We took a few days off and had a fabulous time at the coast. I just sat in the sand and watched the sea lions watch me while mr fatty and fatty junior were building great forts out of driftwood. I love those times we can just get away and be with each other. Its harder and harder to come by now but we try to make it happen often. Speaking of which only 1 month until vacation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I have lots of stuff stored in my head up hear for a big post but I feel a bit sick from eating way too many cookies. I will have to catch up in a bit. Baby moxie I seen you tagged me but I'm afraid I'm really behind on it! I'm off to read up on everyones blogs.

On your mark, get set, GO

So heres the plan. Nurses are still deathly sick. So dr. M has decided to step in and do it himself. Of course that comes with a 60% risk of him being called out to deliver a baby or something of the sort but at this point I will take it. So mr. fatty is currently holding his swimmers at bay and I officially started my grand expirement. Obsession here we go!

I started yesterday so

CD 11....negative opk @ midnight
CD 12.....negative opk @ 1 pm
cervical mucus stretchy and almost clear-ph of 6--slight ferning
saliva ferning about half

When I said I was going to obsess I wasn't kidding. Since we aren't having sex I can do all my testing un obscured. Its a really good thing I don't have a digital camera. Although I am tempted to take pics on regular film. I pity the poor developer that gets that roll. Okay off to the ballpark.

No joke

So last month was going to be IUI cycle 1. I popped out my egg unusually early and with only a few hours notice so it was a no go. Thats fine. I never expected this to be easy. Since today is cd 11 I called the lovely dr to set up however we were going to work it out this month. Imagine my suprise to hear everyone is sick. We are talking a serious flu issue. So here is where we stand. I can wait and see what happens first, my egg or them getting better. OR I can go to a different clinic. I refuse to let someone who is not trained in things hoo-ha related near my junk. I've got enough problems already and the last thing I need is someone in there tinkering around. So...I'm not sure what to do with this. Mr. fatty is taking this as some huge sign not to go forward at this moment. I think this is just another show of my tendency to have bad luck. In either case I guess I should go buy some opks.

I should take up the offer to be the guinea pig. A few women I know have always wondered wich ovulation detection method works best. I do have a montior and a saliva scope and could get some opks. Hmmmmmmmmmm. Might be time to dust those things off and get obsessive. Even thinking about it seems like too much work. Tennis sounds like more fun.

HA! Speaking of tennis have I mentioned the fact that I play like crap. But I just love to go out there and swing my racket at thin air anyway. Everyonce in a while I actually make contact with the ball but I must admit most of the time it is by accident. That sounds good right now, I think I shall go make a fool of myself.

I had a long blabbering post all ready to go on mothers day. Then I happened to read a few blogs and see how everyone elses mothers day was going. While infertility has been hard I do have a child. It humbled me when I thought of all the pain that must be associated with that holiday and I immediately stuck my foot in my mouth. I hope and pray that all of you know the joy of a hand drawn mothers day card. I love my son so profoundly and I think its a love we should all have the privledge of knowing.

But I'm still sad. I should have been pregnant on mothers day. Huge and round and picking out a crib. The closer my edd gets the crazier I get. To be honest its still hurts as much as it did then. I SHOULD be worrying about stretch marks and breast pumps. Instead I'm looking down an empty bottle of femara and wondering if my ovaries are going to try and slip an egg past me again. I'm also trying to figure out how to honor my edd. I know I cannot change it, but it still seems weird not to honor something that was alive even if it was only for a small time. Its a hard spot to be in and now I understand. I had friend who had experienced miscarriage and never fully knew what she was feeling. I wondered why she couldn't move on. But now that I'm in this place of hope and sorrow I know. It can be a shitty universe can't it?

So me and mr fatty started saving for ivf once we figured out it might not be as easy as well, having sex. I think I went over this before but I'm still unsure. We have enough for ivf and then some but how much are fets? Assuming we cannot get into a shared risk program we want to have it all up front so there are no suprises and no snags. I need a calculator and some serious help here. I guess I could call and ask. I will add that to my list of things to do tomorrow. Talk about a phone call I thought I would never make. . . .

Heavy minded

I have to ask. Do you believe everything happens for a reason? Absolutely everything? I have something eating away at the back of my brain I just can't let go of. I think I should give a bit of background because I don't speak of K very often. K is the "biological" father of my son. We were in a shitty relationship and I was stupid because I assumed since I wasn't having a period I couldn't get pregnant. Yeah. After I discovered I was pregnant K decided an abortion was in his best interest. I just couldn't do it. Of course I was young and didn't really have a support system but I just couldn't imagine stopping a heart that was beating inside of me. I refused and so he went away. I was alone during my pregnancy and birth. A single parent just barely in my twenties, scared and lonely. I worked hard (most days 10+ hours) at a job I hated but I did what I had to do. Then one day I got a call from K. Out of the blue. He met my son and then decided that parenthood was not his thing and decided to surrender his parental rights. I met my husband, my boss at said hated job and we got married and started trying to have children after about 9 months. We all know how well that has worked out, but back to the point. Out of all the miles of land on this great earth where do you think K ended up? OH YES, a mere walking distance from my house. When we run into each other basicly nothing is said and we just go on about our lives. It had been a year or so since I had run into him until yesterday. He was buying a mothers day card for his wife. Thats a cruel blow. There is a long history between us and I can say most of it is not good. I know for a fact that I am not the only woman he had the abortion talk with. I do know I'm also the only one that didn't go through with it. What struck me yesterday is how sad I am for the women that believed in his lies, and gave him the trust I refused to. After all that talking in circles lemme get to the point. Why do I keep running into this man at the worst possible times. Seriously. I'm in target bleeding away and here is mr ex buying a mothers day card for the mother of his children.

If anything good came out of that I realised how lucky I am to have my husband who loves me pms fueled rages and all. I know he does his best and loves me with all his heart. Its not easy to see every day in the middles of the why can't you pick up your socks conversations but I know we are unbreakable. Maybe K's purpose of popping up in my life is to make me gratefull for all I have. I cannot imagine my life without my son. I would be empty without his joy. A true miracle.

I have a tiny bit of a confession to make. I think that our problem in the conception area might be related to my husbands low volume. He has a great count arould 200 mil/ml, fantastic progression 4+, and an average morph of 50%, but the volume is consistantly around 1.5. This is after no activity for 3 days. Add into that my crappy mucus and we may have the reason. I have to say he is being a trooper and taking his vitamins and trying only to have a beer or so on sundays during golf. Could low volume really be the reason? If so will iui be the answer for us? I have to admit after reading several blogs about iui I'm not really the optomistic. Am I setting us up for failure? Is this just a hump to get over on the way to ivf. I've searched and googled low volume to death and never seem to come up with much. There is nothing wrong, all his plumbing has been checked so I don't know what to do. Is this male factor? I have so many questions for dr. m at the first scan it is crazy. I can't keep my mind still right now. I just don't want to go through all the motions of iui if there isn't much hope.

Okay I think I need to go to the gym and run mindlessly.

Cd1

I don't think that needs more of an explination. Two negative test followed swiftly by my damn period. I guess I should be glad that I didn't spot this cycle and that ovulation didn't leave me doubled in pain but still its a shitty thing to wake up to your period. So game plan this month is femara, possible trigger, and hpoefully we can go ahead with the iui. Hopefully the use of monitoring will prevent any sneaky ovulation like we had last month.

I'm still upset though, and right now I'm finding comfort in bagels. Oh yeah, thats going to help my dress quest.

Deadline

Crap crap crap. The end of June is so close now I can actually feel it breathing down my neck. Yes it may seem far off but it is coming hard like a freight train and there is nothing I can do to stop it. So whats the big deal? The dress. I think we have all had this issue right? I prefer to wear strapless dresses but due to my lack of execise lately I know I would have the dreaded back fat right now. So whats the plan? Walking/running 3x a week and strength training 2x week. Sounds easy but doing it sucks. Today I broke out my dusty weights and after a 20 minute session I am amazed I can still move my fingers. Its stupid I know, but you have to remember that at least half of the guest there will be asian. Half of those will be wearing dressed smaller than a size 6. I know I know, I shouldn't compare myself to those women but who wouldn't when you are surrounded by them. Add to the fact most of them have a gaggle of kids and its enough to make me vomit.

Today for my walking I'm going to walk to pick my son up from school and considering how windy it is outside it will be quite a feat. Tomorrow I will be sore and bitchy but hopefully it will be worth it.

On the tww situation there is nothing going on. No dramatic boob changes or soreness, no food aversions. Nothing. Thats okay, it makes it easier to justify my morning coffee. I was thinking I should kind of give a brief over view for people new to my bloglett.

Number of years trying: 6
Number of years with cycles that were long and possibly had no ovulation: 3.5
Number of clomid cycles: 5
Number that I ovulated on: 1
Pounds lost: Somewhere between 80 and 90 (it was almost 90 but I backslid)
Years with regular cycles and no pregnancy: 1.2
Cycles on femara: Uh, I have to check my chart, will get back to you. I ovulated on all and got pregnant on the second. Now I am in my 6th cycle post miscarriage, two of those being breaks.
Husbands semen analysis: Pretty good overall. Nice numbers but I have to say the volume seems a bit low to me. Dr was really unworried about it. Will look it up later.

I have one son from a previous relationship and me and my husband are batting zero here. He doesn't have any children and turned 40 this month so his clock is ticking away.

Thats a pretty basic summary. Makes me giggle because the first time my husband and I had sex he was TERRIFIED I would get pregnant even with a condom. wooooo thats a good joke.

Other things about me is I love outdoors. Camping, hiking, rafting, I love it all. Spiders I could totally live without. My husband is asian. No he's not short, skinny, or have a small penis. I like to do nerdly things like read. I like to lurk at blogs because I often feel other people say what I would have said...only better. I like hot showers and attempting to knit. I think thats it.

Damn it

I had everything all worked out. Felt fantastic. I was going to use opks this round so that I could prove to my dr that we could do iui by opks instead of monitoring/triggering. The day started as usual. I had some ewcm in the morning and tested almost stark white with my handy dandy opk. During the day I had a bit of cramping and such but nothing unexpected. Later that night, probably about 11, I took another opk (I admit that I am obsessive, but its a good thing I am). Blaring positive even with really diluted pee. Woooooo. Eh. Temped at 7 am the next day and had a FULL degree temp jump.....shit.

Yes I ovulated within 8 hours of a + opk. Thank you ovaries for proving that I cannot count on you. Two days early and with extreme short notice. Nice, I never seen that one coming. Of course we had the obligatory intercourse when I go the positive but this means that our iui will have to be monitored. I know thats not really a bad thing but I was hoping we wouldn't have to.

Besides that all is well in the fatty household. I have lost 7 lbs and so my pants are starting to fit again but I'm still a long way from looking good at my friends wedding. I need to exercise, but I really just don't want to.

Two

Even though I swore I wouldn't I still find myself living my life in segments. There is the dreaded crampy, bleeding, bitchy segment quickly followed by the hopeful segment, followed by the I"m not going to obsess segment. Next comes total obsession. Dreams about positive opks, and mucus in the sink seem to take up a large part of this segment. After that it is just a long ass wait. A wait I'm tired of doing but given that my only other option is giving up I think I will be doing a lot more waiting. So what makes me think of all this? Well its cd 13 and my good friend ewcm is here and this time some spotting decided to join. I know this is supposed to be fantastic and a good sign of fertility but for me its some kind of cruel joke and just the hump before that long ass wait.

Did I fail to mention the femara makes me UBER cranky? Pffffffffffft. How it last all cycle long when it leaves the system so quickly is a mystery to me. My husband (who I still need a nickname for) is taking us to dinner tonight so I won't be so stressed. I'm just sitting right on the fence right now and I think I got a plank of wood straight up the rear.

Time goes by

After all these years I still love you more and more everyday. Happy anniversary honey.

Okay mushy stuff over ....

turtle style

My husband had what he calls a brilliant idea when we were at the beach. Apparently he wants me to dig a hole and lay a bunch of eggs turtle style and see what happens. Now I know he was just joking to make me feel better, but I'm kind of ashamed that I thought it couldn't hurt to try. I wonder if animals who face infertility feel inferior too. Do the other turtles flaunt all their babies? Well I do know one thing is that an infertile turtle has never had to go into target only to be surrounded by huge pregnant women. I do know how that feels. I went for shoes. Just shoes. I am not kidding when I say that within a few minutes I had SIX hugely pregnant women around me. To make matters worse many had other children tagging along behind them. I have to fight the overwhelming urge to grab one of those kids and just walk off. I never would, I'm just saying that sometimes a cute little girl in patent leather shoes does weird things to someone who has wanted a baby for so long.

Since my son is seven and kind of knows how babies are made and where said babies come from he has taken it upon himself to ask at least twice a week when he will have a sibling. Direct stab to the heart. What am I supposed to say.

So on the diet thing I kept track of what I ate yesterday and no wonder I have put on a few lbs. I ate almost twice as much as I used to. Damn diets. I still take pride in going from 240 to 153 but I feel really bad about back sliding a bit. I'm sure its about 10lbs I've piled back on. Goodbye sweet friend icecream, I will miss you....

Fessing up

I'm pretty sure I've put some weight back on. As a matter of fact I have never been as sure of anything in my life. My pants no longer want to fit my body and as much as I would like to say they must have shrunk in the wash I know they didn't. Add into that the fact that pcos and diet has a lot to do with egg quality and it has motivated me once again to get my ass in gear. I'm tracking with fitday and I'm rather embarassed to say I've had 1600 calories so far and its only 1:31 in the afternoon. And today I haven't eaten as much as I have been lately. I suck.



I can blame it on the fact that I have been in a mild depression since the miscarriage because that is true, but still just an excuse. I know that shoveling down mass amounts of sugar is not going to help the cause, if anything it will make it worse. Being as we are all lined up for iui I think I need to really redo my eating habits right away. I feel like an idiot because all I was doing was making it harder for myself. Add into that my nonexistant exercise routine and its easy to see how I backslid. I'm not going to use a scale or anything, I'll just be happy when my pants fit again.

I should at some point come up with a name for my other half so I can just stop refering to him as husband, but for now it will do. Anyway the husband and I had a talk last night about our willingness to move forward and what it really ment for us. Oh yes, it was plan making time. I needed a solid comitment in order for all the little voices in my head to stop screaming and feel confident in what we are about to take under. We looked at the financial part of it and once our hearts started beating again we decided this is in fact a road we do want to do. So here is our plan.



This month will probably be a cycle with just the femara because I will not be in town around O date and that would make iui very difficult, also I really want to get my body back in order

Next 5-6 cycles iui with dr. mik

If we aren't successful we plan on moving on to ivf next summer (this is the part of the finances that gave us heart attacks)



We've looked everything over and think its a good plan. We have insurance that covers most of the iui expenses but for ivf we would be on our own. I've heard of shared risk programs and will look into them when the time is ready. So for now I will just plug away, but knowing that my husband is as commited to this as I am makes me feel a lot better.


My sons fish died yesterday. I felt awful having to tell him but once the tears dried we replaced said fish and all seems to be better. I really hate these damn fish but they were a gift so there they sit in the tank in the living room watching me with those creepy bubble eyes all day. Ugh