Nov 13, 2006


The last seven days have been hard for me. I keep finding myself switching back and forth from acceptance to sorrow, and now I seem to be finding a nice big area of anger. As I said before I even knew any of this would happen I fully intend on feeling all of this and not botteling any of it up. What I do know I cannot change are the dreams. I dream of dead things. I tried sleeping pills but they still follow me. Last night was the first one I had where nothing died. I dreamed that all the trees around me were bursting full of ripe red apples. No I don't think it is symbolic of anything, I think it just means that I finally got a break from dead thoughts.

I still have a hard time putting thoughts together on this. All I know is that we created a baby and it died. I know it was early, but it was still a baby to me. We are now faced with the decision of wether to go on or not. I'm not sure how I feel. Do I have to try for years only to be faced with another loss? Ttc is truly an emotional investment and to be paid with shit at the end is hard. Ugh

Nov 8, 2006

A club I never wanted to be part of

Right after the last post I found out I was pregnant. Happiest moment of my life. Now it appears I am going to miscarry. I hurt, and now I know how it feels to lose something you wanted so bad.

Nov 3, 2006


I must confess I read a ton of infertility blogs. I mean a TON. I've stated before that I rarely comment and that I didn't know why. I lied. I do know. In my head there seems to be this threshold that if I cross the line and actually admit my parts don't work to the masses that I will be cursing myself into never having a baby. Oh I know this is stupid. I'm fully aware that words have no play on my woman parts. But still... My husband is convinced I will feel better if I out myself. Sure. What does he know. No one is looking at his balls with suspicion. But he may be right. I'll finish this later, I'm off to the craft store for some pomegranite thread.