Feb 24, 2009

Sorry I kind of left everything hanging, but I have been quite busy. So she did infact make it off the ventilator. She stayed in the ICU for a bit. During that time it was discovered she is having some issues mentally. She cannot remember a good portion of anything. She cannot walk, dress herself or basicly do anything. She is slowly learning how to talk again. The drs have said it appears to be some form of alzheimers (sp?) but we won't know more until there is some testing done. The shittiest part of all of it is that we had to put her in a nursing home. I just don't have the time or strength to care for her. I don't know why I'm so conflicted since she never gave a shit about me, but I am. So everyday I go see her. Some days she remembers me, some she doesn't. I just sit there and wonder how differently all of this could have gone.

Feb 9, 2009


I've been trying to get a post out for about half an hour now but I just sat here and watched the stupid cursor blinking.

I've spent the last few days listening to varios machines beep and moan, watching the steady jump of the ventilator tubes, and wondering what the lesson for me in all this is. They are discussing withdrawing support but are leaving the decision to me. Well. I just don't know what to type after that.

Today as I brushed her hair out I wondered how she ended up this way. How long was she on the floor gasping for air before someone noticed.

The nurse told me the only words she actually got out once she got in there was something about her grandsons.

I can't let go of the feeling that she deserves a chance to get to know them more and watch them grow.

So for now I sit and think. I just can't even think straight. How do you decide what to do with someones life. HOW?

Thanks for the comments and prayers. We appreciate every single one. I will try to get caught up on blogs tomorrow.

Feb 4, 2009

My mother is dying. She has been in the icu since yesterday. Her kidneys are failing and her lungs are a mess. Her heart stopped twice already today. They called me and when I arrived I realized I was the only one she had. Yes she wasn't a good mother. Yes, she neglected and abused me. But still she gave me life. How do you comfort someone that never nurtured you? I'm just so lost right now.