May 28, 2007

I hate blogger

I swear I have not been slacking. I now officially hate blogger. It has been signing me out every time it auto saves, and for the life of me I can't figure out how to turn it off. So I typed this up in notepad and hopefully copy and paste will work.

I had such high hopes for this cycle, and I guess I shouldn't give up since its not over yet but I feel defeated. The ONLY positive opk I got was at 4 am. Its a really good thing I seduced mr fatty because by the time I got to the clinic the next day you could see that I had popped two follies. Yes two! I'm really frustrated by how difficult this is. I think we are monitoring lh by blood next cycle, but I won't know until I see him in a few days.

We took a few days off and had a fabulous time at the coast. I just sat in the sand and watched the sea lions watch me while mr fatty and fatty junior were building great forts out of driftwood. I love those times we can just get away and be with each other. Its harder and harder to come by now but we try to make it happen often. Speaking of which only 1 month until vacation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have lots of stuff stored in my head up hear for a big post but I feel a bit sick from eating way too many cookies. I will have to catch up in a bit. Baby moxie I seen you tagged me but I'm afraid I'm really behind on it! I'm off to read up on everyones blogs.

May 17, 2007

On your mark, get set, GO

So heres the plan. Nurses are still deathly sick. So dr. M has decided to step in and do it himself. Of course that comes with a 60% risk of him being called out to deliver a baby or something of the sort but at this point I will take it. So mr. fatty is currently holding his swimmers at bay and I officially started my grand expirement. Obsession here we go!

I started yesterday so

CD 11....negative opk @ midnight
CD 12.....negative opk @ 1 pm
cervical mucus stretchy and almost clear-ph of 6--slight ferning
saliva ferning about half

When I said I was going to obsess I wasn't kidding. Since we aren't having sex I can do all my testing un obscured. Its a really good thing I don't have a digital camera. Although I am tempted to take pics on regular film. I pity the poor developer that gets that roll. Okay off to the ballpark.

No joke

So last month was going to be IUI cycle 1. I popped out my egg unusually early and with only a few hours notice so it was a no go. Thats fine. I never expected this to be easy. Since today is cd 11 I called the lovely dr to set up however we were going to work it out this month. Imagine my suprise to hear everyone is sick. We are talking a serious flu issue. So here is where we stand. I can wait and see what happens first, my egg or them getting better. OR I can go to a different clinic. I refuse to let someone who is not trained in things hoo-ha related near my junk. I've got enough problems already and the last thing I need is someone in there tinkering around. So...I'm not sure what to do with this. Mr. fatty is taking this as some huge sign not to go forward at this moment. I think this is just another show of my tendency to have bad luck. In either case I guess I should go buy some opks.

I should take up the offer to be the guinea pig. A few women I know have always wondered wich ovulation detection method works best. I do have a montior and a saliva scope and could get some opks. Hmmmmmmmmmm. Might be time to dust those things off and get obsessive. Even thinking about it seems like too much work. Tennis sounds like more fun.

HA! Speaking of tennis have I mentioned the fact that I play like crap. But I just love to go out there and swing my racket at thin air anyway. Everyonce in a while I actually make contact with the ball but I must admit most of the time it is by accident. That sounds good right now, I think I shall go make a fool of myself.

May 15, 2007

I had a long blabbering post all ready to go on mothers day. Then I happened to read a few blogs and see how everyone elses mothers day was going. While infertility has been hard I do have a child. It humbled me when I thought of all the pain that must be associated with that holiday and I immediately stuck my foot in my mouth. I hope and pray that all of you know the joy of a hand drawn mothers day card. I love my son so profoundly and I think its a love we should all have the privledge of knowing.
But I'm still sad. I should have been pregnant on mothers day. Huge and round and picking out a crib. The closer my edd gets the crazier I get. To be honest its still hurts as much as it did then. I SHOULD be worrying about stretch marks and breast pumps. Instead I'm looking down an empty bottle of femara and wondering if my ovaries are going to try and slip an egg past me again. I'm also trying to figure out how to honor my edd. I know I cannot change it, but it still seems weird not to honor something that was alive even if it was only for a small time. Its a hard spot to be in and now I understand. I had friend who had experienced miscarriage and never fully knew what she was feeling. I wondered why she couldn't move on. But now that I'm in this place of hope and sorrow I know. It can be a shitty universe can't it?
So me and mr fatty started saving for ivf once we figured out it might not be as easy as well, having sex. I think I went over this before but I'm still unsure. We have enough for ivf and then some but how much are fets? Assuming we cannot get into a shared risk program we want to have it all up front so there are no suprises and no snags. I need a calculator and some serious help here. I guess I could call and ask. I will add that to my list of things to do tomorrow. Talk about a phone call I thought I would never make. . . .

May 9, 2007

Heavy minded

I have to ask. Do you believe everything happens for a reason? Absolutely everything? I have something eating away at the back of my brain I just can't let go of. I think I should give a bit of background because I don't speak of K very often. K is the "biological" father of my son. We were in a shitty relationship and I was stupid because I assumed since I wasn't having a period I couldn't get pregnant. Yeah. After I discovered I was pregnant K decided an abortion was in his best interest. I just couldn't do it. Of course I was young and didn't really have a support system but I just couldn't imagine stopping a heart that was beating inside of me. I refused and so he went away. I was alone during my pregnancy and birth. A single parent just barely in my twenties, scared and lonely. I worked hard (most days 10+ hours) at a job I hated but I did what I had to do. Then one day I got a call from K. Out of the blue. He met my son and then decided that parenthood was not his thing and decided to surrender his parental rights. I met my husband, my boss at said hated job and we got married and started trying to have children after about 9 months. We all know how well that has worked out, but back to the point. Out of all the miles of land on this great earth where do you think K ended up? OH YES, a mere walking distance from my house. When we run into each other basicly nothing is said and we just go on about our lives. It had been a year or so since I had run into him until yesterday. He was buying a mothers day card for his wife. Thats a cruel blow. There is a long history between us and I can say most of it is not good. I know for a fact that I am not the only woman he had the abortion talk with. I do know I'm also the only one that didn't go through with it. What struck me yesterday is how sad I am for the women that believed in his lies, and gave him the trust I refused to. After all that talking in circles lemme get to the point. Why do I keep running into this man at the worst possible times. Seriously. I'm in target bleeding away and here is mr ex buying a mothers day card for the mother of his children.

If anything good came out of that I realised how lucky I am to have my husband who loves me pms fueled rages and all. I know he does his best and loves me with all his heart. Its not easy to see every day in the middles of the why can't you pick up your socks conversations but I know we are unbreakable. Maybe K's purpose of popping up in my life is to make me gratefull for all I have. I cannot imagine my life without my son. I would be empty without his joy. A true miracle.

I have a tiny bit of a confession to make. I think that our problem in the conception area might be related to my husbands low volume. He has a great count arould 200 mil/ml, fantastic progression 4+, and an average morph of 50%, but the volume is consistantly around 1.5. This is after no activity for 3 days. Add into that my crappy mucus and we may have the reason. I have to say he is being a trooper and taking his vitamins and trying only to have a beer or so on sundays during golf. Could low volume really be the reason? If so will iui be the answer for us? I have to admit after reading several blogs about iui I'm not really the optomistic. Am I setting us up for failure? Is this just a hump to get over on the way to ivf. I've searched and googled low volume to death and never seem to come up with much. There is nothing wrong, all his plumbing has been checked so I don't know what to do. Is this male factor? I have so many questions for dr. m at the first scan it is crazy. I can't keep my mind still right now. I just don't want to go through all the motions of iui if there isn't much hope.

Okay I think I need to go to the gym and run mindlessly.

May 7, 2007


I don't think that needs more of an explination. Two negative test followed swiftly by my damn period. I guess I should be glad that I didn't spot this cycle and that ovulation didn't leave me doubled in pain but still its a shitty thing to wake up to your period. So game plan this month is femara, possible trigger, and hpoefully we can go ahead with the iui. Hopefully the use of monitoring will prevent any sneaky ovulation like we had last month.

I'm still upset though, and right now I'm finding comfort in bagels. Oh yeah, thats going to help my dress quest.