Sep 26, 2007

what a week

Thank you all again for the support. I guess I have been a bit crappy on the updates but I was caught in a very odd place. The spotting stopped and the betas rose, but two times they failed to find a heartbeat. Yesterday the dr. that is filling in for mine just admitted she was horrible at it and sent me to the big guns. When I checked into the ultrasound department at the hospital my heart was beating so loud I could hardly concentrate.

They took mercy on me and called me back early. I had a nice u/s tech who only measured each ovary twice before we got to the good stuff. We did indeed find my little passenger, whos heart was beating at a beautiful 150 bpm. I haven't really checked with dr. google yet, but she assured me that it was great. I never thought I would make it 7 weeks, or see that little heart beating away. I am in total awe right now. And I know I have a lot of commenting to catch up on!

Sep 17, 2007

Mmmmmmm booktour

Emilia often describes the intense physical and emotional connection between she and Jack. She often refers to him as her bashert. But after the loss of Isabel, and Emilia's spiral into solitary despair, that connection is damaged. This alteration is noted by Emilia when Jack declines her first offer of physical intimacy since their daughter's death. She becomes "terrified that I have become like Carolyn, cold to sex, unmoved by my husband, uninterested in the passion that once meant everything to me." What sort of relationship do you have with your significant other? Do you feel he/she is your bashert? What effect has IF/loss had on your emotional and/or physical relationship?

To be honest for a long time I wasn't sure that my husband and I were ment to be. We were in love sure, but a relationship takes so much more than that. It was going through IF and a loss that made me wake up to the fact that we were absolutely ment to be together. Sometimes it takes a lot of heartache and sorrow to see how strong your love and commitment really is. After our loss getting intimate was hard for me. I cried and felt empty. It took a while and a lot of love in order for it to feel right again.

Throughout the book my feelings towards Emilia were conflicted. If you felt that way too, why did you also feel that way?

It was hard to like her. My heart broke for her because I can't imagine the pain, but her coldness just irritated me. I've never read a character who could have me go from total sympathy to wanting to knock her out in under a page.

Emilia has a difficult time relating to other women who have had losses in pregnancy, usually because she sees her situation as different and worse than those women who have had miscarriages. She is particularly hard on her friend Mindy. Do you feel like this attitude was justified on her part? Are mothers of SIDs victims much different and worse off than mothers of miscarriages? Or can we all belong to the same support group?

I think that both pains are very real. I really don't think that can be in the same group. To me while a loss is a loss there is such a profound difference between being able to achieve and then losing and not being able to achieve at all. I don't think her attitude towards her friend was justified at all, but in moments of grief I know I have not always been the kindest either. I don't think one is worse than the other, they are just different.

We all have had someone in our lives like William who innocently says the wrong thing more often then we would like. How has your infertility experience helped you respond better to those "innocent yet wrong" comments/questions?

I don't really posess that ability which is why we don't really talk to anyone about it. We still get all the "isn't it kid time" or "have a kid already" comments and I have been so tempted just to get up on the table and scream at the top of my lungs that we are broken. We took years to concieve and then my body betrayed me and I lost it. I've always wondered what the response would be. Instead I just tell everyone we are waiting for the right time and smile politely. Its not their fault. They don't know.

Sep 16, 2007

The one where monday comes on sunday

First of all the numbers...and then I'll explain how I got them

Friday: 7,930
Sunday: 13,535
Doubling time 59.64 hours

Its supposed to double every 48 to 72 right? And those are good right?

Sooooooooooooooooo here we go. Friday I went to the bathroom and there was blood. Enough to change the toilet water red and so off to the ER we went. I was checked and she said my cervix was closed but really red and irritated. Friable cervix and whatnot. Ultrasound showed a sac and yolk but no heartbeat. U/s dated me to 5w3d, which was only a day or so off from the charts calculations. Should I be concerned there was no heartbeat so early? Anyway we came home and yesterday I didn't have a lick of spotting. Woke up this morning to red blood. Oh yes, RED. Went in and had a second beta done and the nurse (who had a miscarriage in august) was kind enough to give me the number so I didn't have to wait until tomorrow. They won't however run a progesterone test and I am freaking out. I will be at their office first thing and won't leave until something is done. I really don't care if I have to go to a new dr either. I want to know I did everything I could.

So now I sit here, spotting, waiting.

Sep 14, 2007

Welcome to the longest weekend in history

I should start by saying thank you for all your thoughts and prayers. They really mean so much to me.

The bleeding did stop. I am still crampy and scared. So I went in for the beta, but since its friday afternoon I have to wait until monday for my results. Now on sunday I have a repeat draw at a local hospital and I am going to try to pry todays results out of them. Funny how I went from blissfull to absolute psycho within 24 hours. Monday seems so far away right now.

Sep 13, 2007

Spoke too soon

I started bleeding tonight. I feel crampy too. I am scared and devastated.


Not much else to say. Boobs are heavy and veiny but not all that sore. I'm not having nausea that is anything to really report. Just kind of feel like I ate too many shrimp and got on a boat. I am peeing a lot but I think its due to the billions of gallons of water I'm chugging each day. I finally got the nads to call and schedule my first ob appointment. YES, just now. Seems like October 10th will be the day. I have turned down offers for betas and early u/s. Yeah I'm sure I will kick myself in the ass later, but really all I think it will do is stress me out. For now I'm just enjoying the ride.

Sep 3, 2007

still at a loss for words

Well here's the pic you've all been waiting for

Oh wait, thats not it is it? Give poor darwin a break. He's been through a lot in the last few days too. But after his confirmation that my test are indeed getting darker I thought I could post one. It is fuzzy, but positive none the less.

According to my opk I am 13 dpo, according to charting I'm 12dpo. Either way I am starting to feel that flicker of hope. I am not stupid enough to believe that pregnancy = baby any more. Instead I have decided to enjoy this ride and love every second of this I get. My boobs aren't really all that sore, I'm not really all the tired, and the nausea comes and goes. But I am 100% in love with my little uterus attatchement already. Thank you so much for the congrats and prayers. They really mean so much to us.