Sigh

A lot can change in under a month.

I've been debating on if I should post this or not since everything Ive been posting seems so down lately. My husband and I are working our issues out and it was getting a lot better, but just within a few days we seem back to page one. I gave him back my ring. I feel naked and saddened without it. I'm praying things will get better.


On to happy things shall we?????

My oldest is turning 10 tomorrow!

Its such a strange thing watching boys grow into young men. I'm amazed by it every day. I must get some sleep. I have to obsessively clean my house before his party tomorrow.

Matters of the heart

So with all my various odd things going on with my body we have come to the conclusion that pcos is kicking my ass. Most things are just painful (cyst) or annoying (hello moodswings) but the worst and most stunning was that my triglycerides sit at a lovely 786. The rest of my lipid panel was normal but apparently pcos can just blow your triglycerides to hell. Something to do with metabolic syndrome and severe insulin resistance and blah blah blah. So I'm on a MAJOR diet overhaul right now and its making me bitchy as hell.

I hate pcos so much.

Where have I been?

Here and there is the basic answer. Somehow this summer is just taking everything out of me. There is a lot on my plate right now and most of the time when I open this to post I just sit here and watch the cursor blink. So lets do a list shall we?!?!?!

* My husband and I are working on our marriage and are making huge progress. Its not always easy, but I can see the light coming back and am starting to feel like we are IN love again.

* B is growing like crazy and doing well. The molars were hard. Its such a test of patience to have a tething toodler.

* We are actively ttc again. Its not going so smoothly. I may have just had an early loss/chemical. Its a long story and I end up bleeding for 11 days at the end of it so lets just skip that.

* I've lost 6 lbs. Its okay but I hoped for more.

* I'm trying to be more organized so everything won't feel so chaotic but it is hard.

Its like running in mud right now. I will pull out of this funk.

We did take a great vacation to the lake house which is pictured up there. It was a great morning. I wondered out to the boathouse with my coffee and camera and just clicked away. I'm thinking we might need another getaway soon.

AND I have over 400 post to get caught up with in google reader but I'm working on it.

I keep having the same dream over and over again......just making a note so I can remember to blog about it later

We're not sure

Nothing irritates me more than not knowing what is going on with my uterus. Boy what an opening line.

Years ago I started spotting out of the blue and it never went away. I've heard all their responses from its normal to it will work itself out. Well guess what? Its NOT normal and it didn't work itself out. As my period has returned on a somewhat regular basis I can tell you I still cramp like crazy and spot whenever my body sees fit. This isn't right. I just KNOW. But no one seems to take it seriously. So what is my next step here? I've run out of doctors and patience.

Show and tell week something or another

Yes I know I didn't post all week, but I did dig through my blog and discovered that my 4 year blogaversary was on June 7th. Four years is quite a long time in my little world so I do consider it an accomplishment. So onto the sharing shall we...

Remember you can go here and join in or just see what the others are sharing







I had a few people ask me where I got the pic for my header. I got it from my camera. I took it when we headed to the beach last month. We went to this amazing set of tidepools and I just went totally picture happy. The first three are pretty self explanitory but lets see if you can guess what happened after the fourth.....


MMmmmmm pretty

Ooooooooooooh even prettier

Hello starfish!

Heh, take a guess what happened to Mr.hermit crab seconds after I took this. Yes, right into the mouth. You would think he would spit it out since it was crawling around and everything but noooooooo, I had to reach in and pull it out. Enough snack talk, go see what everyone else is showing!

Show and Tell time!

Yay it is show and tell time again! It has switched to Wednesdays so go here and see what everyone else is doing!








One of my favorite things about living in the northwest is the fabulous sunsets. I caught this one on our last hike.

This storm was fascinating. Scary too. The wind and rain was so hard and the lightning was incredible. I was going to catch pictures of the lightning but I got sidetracked somehow.

Go take a look and see what everyone else came up with.

A post is coming shortly. I just have zero time lately. B has food allergies so it seem like I sit and read and read and read about how to keep his diet balanced and where they came from. I have a lot of stuff rolling around in my head and I swear as soon as I have time I will get it up. Heh, I said get it up.

Bear with me folks, I'm doing some construction so things may look a bit off for a few days. I would do it all at once, but you know I need to be on constant "what did you put in your mouth" patrol

Our summer challenge

We thought we were going to try that entire baby thing again this summer but obviously the universe sees otherwise. (I will go into this on a later post) So instead I've decided to throw myself into something else. What is it? Being the biggest cheap ass I can. After going over the budget I see little cracks where money seems to be leaking out. Kind of like weather proofing the house we are going to weather proof our finances. I had mr.fatty hang a clothes line for me which I think is going to be the biggest money saver. It seems like we are running the dryer constantly. We planted our garden full of veggies and fruit so hopefully once those start to mature we won't have to spend so much on groceries. But really my mindset has just changed. When I go to the store now instead of "oh thats cute" my brain automaticly goes " do you REALLY need that". It's something that will take me a bit to get going because I need to gather all our info so there can be full disclosure. I'm not sure if this will remain here or moved somewhere else but I'm excited about this idea. I know I have personally wondered what people made, where it went, and how they budgeted and stayed on track.

Happy birthday B!

Ha, right after I wrote the last post B fell and landed on his nose. It doesn't look that bad in the picture but now that its all scabby it looks so gross. And he also hit his head on the hotel coffee table. Birthdays can be a bit rough but it didn't seem to bother him one bit.








Since we were at the beach we had pumpkin cupcakes at the hotel. B thought this was okay, but was really more interested in what his brother was doing.

Ahhh, my two boys. Quite the age difference huh? Thank you secondary infertility. I appreciate it. Stupid ovaries. I've started to ignore people who ask me if B was an accident. This day we just relaxed and enjoyed our family time. I'm a bit behind on blogs...we are still unpacking because when you have an infant you have to take half the damn house anytime you go somewhere.

Perfect Parent Syndrome

I have got a fantastic idea. Can we as women, as moms quit being so damn judgemental? I'm not talking about you guys. But lately I have been so overwhelmed by all the 'perfect' parents around me. I can ask a question about anything and I'm met with "oh my child walked at two months, composed a symphony at 3 months, got his phd at 4, and was able to recite all the names of the seven dwarfs in alphabetical order while blindfolded all by 5 months. Well, shit on me then. Yes, I'm aware my son is 'still' babbeling and he's almost a year old. Yes, I know he still falls down a lot. Yes, I know he is chewing on a twig.

Its too much. We ALL have our moments. I don't know a single parent who hasn't had a bad moment. Some of us are just blessed to have more than others. Can we all just admit we aren't perfect parents? PLEASE.

I'll go first. Today my son ate what appeared to be a beetle. I'm not sure, but the leg he had stuck to his tooth did indeed look like a beetle. Such are the hazards of gardening. Anyone else care to confess?

Anyone ready for a tmi psa about the penis?????

I'm going to use frank language here. Just a warning

For a few months Mr.fatty has randomly been losing erections. He would go from fully aroused to flat in well a second flat for no reason. He didn't know why and I must admit it made me feel like shit. Like I'm not self concious enough now my husband couldn't even keep an erection. It made me feel unatractive and unwanted. It ruined our 5th anniversary. We barely spoke, didn't even kiss. Well you get the picture. So life is moving along and I make a routine appointment for him to get a check up. His dr ordered a full panel and then everything became clear. His blood pressure was elevated and his cholesterol was through the roof. The dr said one of the indications of heart issues can be sudden loss of erections. Well there is something I did not know. The dr said undetected he was definetly on his way to a heart attack or stroke. He is only 42 and maybe 10lbs overweight and exercises all the time. I can't imagine not having him around.

So now we have been turned a bit upside down and are having to change the way we do everything. Some of the meds do lower male fertility and for now we are trying to avoid them, but it may be something he has to do soon. Since mr.fatty had low volume and a high amount of abnormal forms in the first place I just don't know where this puts us.

I know this is common but it scared the crap out of me. We really do have to start taking better care of ourselves. I started by cutting out sweets and doing that jilian M 30 day shred video. It was painful....I definetly feel shredded now.

PCOS sucks ass

Really it does. In oh so many ways. It just feels like this battle in my body every single frickin day. Not just to ovulate but just to bring it into balance. If I take a week off from exercise I balloon out. The adult acne is great too. And the apple body shape? Oh joy.


Seriously I hate it.

I posted a while back how I missed spring and longed for it to arrive. It did come, although a bit late, with quite a bang around here. Everything seemed to open and just made me feel like we had infact come to the right decision. What decision you ask? Well I'm sure everyone remembers how I kept going back and forth on if we should ttc again or was our family complete. I fell into the complete category, my husband did not. Last week something changed. I'm not sure if it was that B started walking, or my ovaries kicked back into gear or I finally lost my mind....but we decided to stop preventing pregnancy. In June we will be moving to actively ttc again. I'm not sure how this go for us, but right now I'm just totally at peace with this decision.

In the mean time enjoy the tulips! I took this at the tulip farm and have a lot more I want to share with you guys.....maybe I'll get in for next weeks show and tell.

UPDATED!!! Anyone waiting for an update?

Well me too. The dr returned our call but I was napping with B and missed it. When I called back the medical receptionist said I would have to wait until this afternoon. I have been in a full blown panic since then. Anyone want to pace with me? I'll update as soon as I know something.

B IS OK. His blood panel (and they checked everything) came back ok, but he is anemic. Not good but not really bad either. Phew. Dr said it is most likely a sprain and to use motrin if needed and try to keep him off of it. Yeah that should be fun. I cannot say how relieved I am.

I really don't know how some of you do it. Moms of kids that have medical issues have an all new level of respect from me after today. It started a few days ago when I noticed B was favoring one leg and not wanting to crawl/cruise on one side. Then yesterday even the slightest bit of pressure on his leg would cause a horrible round of screaming. So today I took him to the ped and they ran xrays and they came back fine. Phew. But since the dr seen he was still pulling that leg away from being touched and not putting weight on it she decided it was best to do some bloodwork and make sure everything is okay. I was totally unprepared for this. Now keep in mind he had just screeched his way through his sore leg being held down for an x ray. We went into the lab and I was feeling like an ass. I knew it was needed but damn it my baby was going to be hurt. The phlebotomist was good and only poked him once. He did have to dig for a vein a little bit (Sorry B looks like you have moms crappy veins) but it was over quick. He screamed so loud I'm contemplating having a hearing test now....

So now I wait. I wait with a heavy feeling in my stomach for the ped to call with the results. I swear these few hours feel like an eternity.

WHAT?!?!?!?

Nevermind. He's a butthole and I'm a jerk and our day was totally ruined. Ugh.

Show and tell

**Cute baby pictures below**



Ready?




OK.








So Mr.Fatty got me a new toy and since it was nice the other day I thought we would go outside and grab a few shots. These were my favorites.

I just can't believe its been almost a year. It seemed like the time to get him went so slow, and since he was born it has gone so fast. I just can't believe it. So what are you showing? Wanna see what others are showing???? Go see mel and join in on the fun.

a lull

Sorry for the lack of post lately but theres been two speedbumps

1) I'm having my first pp period. IT BLOWS. And my milk supply took a horrible hit.

2) To distract me from all the crap that has been going on Mr. Fatty bought me a fancy new camera with all sorts of bells and whistles so I have been relentlessly shoving my camera everywhere it can fit for a few days. I will post some pics for show and tell this weekend!

As for my mother she has been placed where she can get help. I had to take a step back and let people who have the skills to help her do so. I'm so looking forward to having my life back to what I consider normal. Thank you all for your support, it is what kept me from cracking.

Spoke too soon

Do you know what happens when you speak too soon? Karma puts a big boot on and nails you right in the ass. I was feeling strangely optomistic after my last post. Sure things weren't ideal, but they were okay. I won't go into to many details because they are awful, but lets just say that there was an attempted stabbing, some hallucinations (scary ones) and an assult of a police officer and medic involved. She's now in the hospital, but they aren't taking it seriously. They keep labeling it as confusion. Its not confusion if she tries to kill you. The drs won't listen to me and I feel hopeless. I fear for my safety and the safety of my children and so for that reason she won't be coming back here. As for where she is going to go I have no idea. I have to walk away from the situation and that feels awful.


Does anyone have any personal experience with schizophrenia or any disorders of that nature? I really think that might be the case but need to know what kind of specialist to bring in.

Don't look directly at the baby....he's so cute he'll knock your socks off

He's just so handsome its no wonder I have been bitten by the baby bug again. Yes, I was the one who was dragging my heels, but I think I'm about to give in. We aren't trying for a few reasons, the most important one being that I am still breastfeeding and haven't started cycling yet again, the second being Mr fatty. Since his first SA came back so crappy and improved so much after vitamins I decided that he should start up again. It will take a few months, but hopefully we will both be ready at the same time. I think I'm ready but I totally reserve the right to flip out and change my mind at any moment.

As for the sitution with my mother its been tough. She was kicked out of the nursing home because her insurance won't cover it. She didn't have any friends, and none of her family wants her so she is here and I'm her caregiver at this point. She is such a pain in my ass. She refuses to drink water or eat anything besides sweets (she is diabetic) and most of the time doesn't take her meds. I'm just having a hard time. I treat her will respect and compassion but its. just. hard. We don't know how long this will go on so I'm trying to prepare for the long haul. I'm looking into counseling about the entire issue and we'll see how that goes.

The class of 2008

I cant post much right now due to a screaming baby right now but I'm so glad I can be part of this. Go visit the class of 08

http://cibele-hopeful.blogspot.com/2009/03/class-of-2008.html

a lapse in the suckiness

Today all is good. I played with my kids and spent a great evening with my husband. After yesterday (truly the shittiest day ever) it just felt great. I know tomorrow will most likely not be anything like today, but for a just a moment I'm enjoying all the wonderful things around me.

Sorry I kind of left everything hanging, but I have been quite busy. So she did infact make it off the ventilator. She stayed in the ICU for a bit. During that time it was discovered she is having some issues mentally. She cannot remember a good portion of anything. She cannot walk, dress herself or basicly do anything. She is slowly learning how to talk again. The drs have said it appears to be some form of alzheimers (sp?) but we won't know more until there is some testing done. The shittiest part of all of it is that we had to put her in a nursing home. I just don't have the time or strength to care for her. I don't know why I'm so conflicted since she never gave a shit about me, but I am. So everyday I go see her. Some days she remembers me, some she doesn't. I just sit there and wonder how differently all of this could have gone.

blink

I've been trying to get a post out for about half an hour now but I just sat here and watched the stupid cursor blinking.

I've spent the last few days listening to varios machines beep and moan, watching the steady jump of the ventilator tubes, and wondering what the lesson for me in all this is. They are discussing withdrawing support but are leaving the decision to me. Well. I just don't know what to type after that.

Today as I brushed her hair out I wondered how she ended up this way. How long was she on the floor gasping for air before someone noticed.

The nurse told me the only words she actually got out once she got in there was something about her grandsons.

I can't let go of the feeling that she deserves a chance to get to know them more and watch them grow.

So for now I sit and think. I just can't even think straight. How do you decide what to do with someones life. HOW?

Thanks for the comments and prayers. We appreciate every single one. I will try to get caught up on blogs tomorrow.

My mother is dying. She has been in the icu since yesterday. Her kidneys are failing and her lungs are a mess. Her heart stopped twice already today. They called me and when I arrived I realized I was the only one she had. Yes she wasn't a good mother. Yes, she neglected and abused me. But still she gave me life. How do you comfort someone that never nurtured you? I'm just so lost right now.

drive by posting

This will have to be quick. Seriously this week has been so busy I have barely had time to pee.

*B is into EVERYTHING. As I speak he's destroying many things. Besides just crawling he is pulling up and cruising.

*We did come to a decision on the baby making process. Next september we will go straight into IUIs again. No need wasting time. Three shots then I call foul and we are done.

*Wei.ght W.atchers is seriously the best thing I have ever done for myself. I've been losing without any drop in milk supply. I feel great.

*In the two minutes it has taken me to type this B has managed to pull 4 things off a shelf, hide my cell phone, and bite my toe. Yeah its going to be one of those days.

I'm sprung

It's time to share again everyone for those who don't play along just click that very attractive icon and come share with all of us.

Today is cold shitty outside. No way around that. Its windy and frigid and sitting here all bundled up makes me long for spring. So today I thought I would share two of my favorite flowers from my garden.

First there is this one which was really that orange. Its not altered. The funny part is I planted white ones so imagine my suprise when this came popping out.




Next is this geranium. Its just so lovely to look at. It grows so quietly by the fence until it just erupts with color all at once.

And alas, poor Darwin is ready for spring too. He says its too damn cold for cats, and all the wind is messing his fur.

So there it is. I miss spring. Now I'm off to see what everyone else is sharing.

fatty

Scales can be mean little shits. It has come to my attention lately that I need to start up with the weight loss again. I can feel I'm too heavy again. I feel it in my bones and joints. So I have taken it upon myself to restart my old diet system and ack.....maybe even sign up for the plan. You know, the plan. The one with the w's that is usually located next to buffets. Seriouly why do they do that.

I'm a stress eater. I eat mostly at night when I'm online. A snack here and there can quickly add up. As are my flabby rolls. For a while I used the entire baby thing as an excuse, but he will be 8 months soon. How long can I use that excuse. I feel slobby and unkept. I'm sweaty and hot all the time and its kind of gross. I want to be healthy again so here we go. Can I just whine a little bit that I'm going to miss cocoa? I've been having some every morning and it just blows that I can't have it anymore. I'd almost rather lose a limb.


To update on B he has quite a few teeth now. They keep popping up like that whack a mole game. He seems to be happier the last few days which is helping a LOT. Tonight he pulled up for the first time! And although his left foot was in a weird position he did a fine job. Mom's cell phone can be quite the motivator. He also likes to stand and can do so for a short time unsupported. Tomorrow he has an appointment with the ped and his first vaccine. I know I will cry so I'm taking the tissues with me. Its almost 2 so I should head to bed.

And hey did you know its delurking week? Come out come out where ever you are.

Funk.....serious whining ahead

I'm not sure if it is the weather or what but I feel stuck. I've been sitting here for what seems forever just staring at the screen. My husband told me over coffee the other morning he still thinks of the baby we lost. Its funny because when we were in the trenches he was the one encouraging me to get over it, and now he's the one that can't seem to. Maybe miscarriage is what is making me stall on moving forward with the entire trying for a baby thing again. I'm not sure my heart can take it again. As a matter of fact I'm pretty sure it can't. My appointment with my ob/gyn is soon and I know this is something that will be coming up. I think she will push the medicated IUI route again and I'm not ready. I know I keep going back and forth but its hard because I just want to enjoy B right now. I just want to hold him and smell him and listen to him laugh. I don't want to think about pills and blood test and speculums. Everyone is pressuring us right now and I just want to scream and pull my hair out. I'm also worried my husband truly won't be happy with just being a family of four. I know we need to have a long talk and put it all out on the table but we are working through so much already. Its just all so mind consuming.

I've been a bad commentor. I've been reading, just too crappy headed to respond.

Excitement abounds

So new years eve was just rockin around here. B went to bed early and so did we. Everyone was tucked in by 11. Now thats what I call a happy ending to a year.

On another note I know I don't blog much about my oldest son (almost 10 ) on here but I just wanted to add how much I love him. I was reading this morning and it brought so much back to me. I'm so glad I left K and decided to do it all on my own.

Not much else, I have a lot of blogs to catch up on....