Oct 28, 2005


When I was younger my favorite past time was getting messed up. I prefered the subtle mind blowing yet intense body high of oregon shrooms, but I would do just about anything layed in front of me. I had a partner in trouble named Ben. Now Ben and I met while working at a store that sold a variety of everything from dildos to teddy bears. Over the years we developed a deep friendship that I will admit was based around getting high. I loved to listen to his poetry and opinions on the world. Unfortunately I messed it up.

We remained friends after I got sober and had my son and got a job. All the responsible things that parents do. He even met my now husband and approved. So what was the problem? I lied to him. It was over something stupid and was totally uneeded but I did it anyway. I lost touch with him after that. Phone calls stopped, he moved on, I moved on. I miss him lately. I miss his friendship a lot and I am sorry I messed it up. If I ever see you again Ben I will consider myself blessed.

I didn't always make the smartest choices. I could make a list about 100 miles long, but couldn't we all. Anyway.

Today was cold as hell. I went out without my jacket and thought some of my bits would fall off before I even got the van door open. I did take joy in the fact that my sons mouth now resembles all the jackolanterns on porches since his tooth fell out. I wish I remembered being that age but honestly I don't remember anything until I was about 10, and even then its a bit sketchy. My son remembers us going to seaworld when he was 2. I can't remember where I put my damn keys.

Oct 26, 2005

The magic corndog

We have been patiently waiting for my sons front tooth to fall out for weeks. His first loose tooth my husband pulled out and needless to say he was all sorts of traumatized. We have tried apples and carrots. Nothing. It would flap when he talked yet not yeild when anything gave a tug on it. So today we go to pick my little ball of honeriness up from school and he has a big gaping hole in the front of his mouth. SUCCESS! I asked him what happened and his eyes got all big and he whispered....I bit into the magic corndog mom. It just landed on my tray. No more was said and he proudly showed me the little pearl in the plastic tooth case. He knows I am the toothfairy (sorry to ruin it for any of you) and so he kindly asked if I could put more money under his pillow this time.

I don't like to lie to him and so when he asked about santa and all the other creatures we parents like to go on about I told him the truth. He thinks thats cool because he doesn't have to send letters anymore. He said next year he'll be able to write and type well enough just to email it. Hmmmmmm. When he asked where babies come from I told him. I didn't whip out the better sex in 60 days series, but I just told him the truth. He knew boys and girls were different anyway. He just didn't know why. He will learn about orgasms and how to undo bras on his own. I provided the basics of penis + bagina = baby sometimes. I don't know why we are compelled to lie to kids. In my experience the truth has not made the holidays any less magical, they actually take some of the stress off. No staying up late to assemble stuff here. Instead the hubby and I have drinks :)

I cleaned like some kind of crazed lunatic today. And quite frankly I'm bitchy. Not a single cobweb in my house didn't feel my wrath today. I am simply amazed at the amount of dirt and mess 3 people can make in the matter of hours. I cleaned yesterday, as I do everyday. Yet today it was a hell hole. Hubby says....relax, our house is much cleaner than my friends houses. I know it is but thats only because your friends are a bunch of losers who only wash their underpants once a month. Please don't ask me how I know that. But I got to wondering. Is anybody's house really that clean? Don't we all have that corner we hate to dust, or just have days where the dishes just sit. Haven't we all kicked a cheetoh under a table seconds before company arrived? I know this girl. We'll leave her nameless but when I visited her she ran in and cleaned the bathroom every single time someone used it. I understand not wanting company to see your q-tips laying about but that is a little overboard. Hahaha, she also bleached her daughters toys daily, then got offended when I asked if her poo was white. The nerve of some people.

My birthday is creeping closer and closer. Each year we try to go to the beach or to a nice hotel or something like that but this time I just want to go have dinner. Maybe some fabulous presents, but not too much. I am thinking about pajamas. None of mine fit since a quarter of my body fell off. And I am finding that without too much fat I am freezing now that fall is here. All I want is something cute and soft so now I'm on a quest to find it and make sure my husband knows to buy them.

Speaking of asses. Okay so we weren't but why not. I'm looking for mine. Don't know if anyone has seen it but I would like it back. My butt now looks like a pancake with a crack in it. Or if someone knows how to take the fat from my non existant waist and put it in my butt I will gladly pay you.

Oct 24, 2005


I used to run around in this infertility "pack". We all had blogs devoted to our temps and mucus and thought that everytime we sneezed it was sign of ovulation. In the funk I've been in the last few days I decided to visit some old blog friends and see how they are doing. Out of 35 guess how many have had babies or are now pregnant. 31. Now that just blows. I'm happy for them and all but its like waiting in line at the dmv. You can only do it for so long before you start to feel the urge to choke. I'm comforted by the fact that my body is starting to work normally. The weightloss has helped and hopefully my number will come up soon.

My husband is bhuddist. Although he knows about my problems and my ovaries being renegades he believes that our baby isn't ready yet. Yes, somewhere in his mind our baby is waiting in that limbo area for the right moment. He thinks shes scared to get on the bus. Yes people, thats what I deal with every day. So in order to bring on our chances of success we are builing a little house for his mom in the backyard. Its like a bird house but you put offerings on it. Hard to explain, but I've already started to plan the garden area around it. I never had the pleasure of meeting his mom. She died a while before I met him from diabetes. I know that she must have had steel balls because she had 13 children. My husband is the only boy that was born into that family that didn't die. I know that infertility sucks, but the loss of a child is a pain I could never imagine and hopefully never will.

He never imagined this would be so difficult for us. But I think that when you have to work so hard for something it makes getting it much sweeter.

Oct 22, 2005








Oct 20, 2005



I woke up this morning to see this story on the news. I got angry, and then all I could do is cry. When are we going to stop letting people who could harm their children keep them. You can't say there was no warning. The family knew and no one stepped in. Witnesses SEEN her do this and no one stopped her or jumped in to save those precious children. No one stopped her.
It breaks my heart that the last thing those children seen was the person they loved the most throwing them to their death.

As I see these stories time after time I think about how if someone knocked on my door and said here, take my kids before I hurt them I would do so in a heart beat. So someone explain to me how this happens. How do women grow up to have babies and starve them or beat them or throw them in garbage cans. Is hearing voices or being depressed really an excuse? This really breaks my heart. I just don't know what else to say.

Oct 19, 2005

Company is coming, put your pants on

I found out I am Micheles site of the day. So in your honor I have stopped waddeling around in my husbands boxer shorts and put some pants on. Its nice to have everyone here. The bar will be open until 2 am and the cheerios are free. I would buy some steaks and crab but unfortunately I am not 340 million dollars richer, but thats okay because who really wants to have all their bills paid off anyway.

My mind is running off in all directions right now. Wondering if our efforts yesterday are going to pay off. Should I buy new boots this year? Where is that draft coming from. Mmmmm cookies sound good. I wonder where that 50 lbs went. Did I poo it out or did it come out as sweat. Should I put on another coat of toenail polish? When will we get a DAMN DRYER? Did I feed the cats?

Wait, I didn't I should go feed the cats. But hi everyone, make yourself comfy!

And the oscar goes too...

I usually do not buy into the entire lottery thing but today I had to break down and buy a ticket. Why you ask. Well there are 340 million good reasons to buy one. Oh yeah, thats a lot. So today when I went to the store we got in line to get a ticket. There were two guys who were buying a LOT of tickets. Like 800 dollars worth. It was holding up the line and as you can imagine people were getting a little pissy. These two guys informed the bitchers in line that they too had waited and that they have saved a lot of money for this. Okay. I understand, we all have goals in life. It shouldn't have mattered that these two were russian. But to the older woman in line behind me it did. She then asked them, why are you waisting all your money, you are probably on welfare like all the other russians anyway. WOW. How they maintained their composure I will never know. I decided at that point to get out of line because my son was scared of the mean lady behind us. So despite me wanting to win myself I hope those guys win and then hire someone to harass that lady everyday for the rest of her life.

It's kind of mind boggeling to ever imagine having that much money. After taxes you would still bring home over 100 million dollars. What does one do with that much money? I wish I knew some rich people to ask. Does it make you happier to have that much. And of course what big things would you splurge on. Unlike most people who would take the lump sum I would take the annual payments for the next 20 years so that we could travel like the nomads we are and not have to worry about paying bills. Fancy houses and cats without hair aren't really my style.

I ovulated last night. My husband took the day off from work for the occasion. After the egg hunt was over he fixed the gaping hole in the bathroom floor and prepared it for paint. I finished my sons room and then started moving stuff away to make room for my mothers stuff. Oh yeah, did I mention that satan will be staying here for 10 days. Just because my life isn't ass breathy enough sometimes she decided to move right down the street. And on top of that there is a 10 day gap between the two places so she will be here. I have hidden anything valuable and am starting to stock up on all sorts of booze. Ugh.

Oct 17, 2005

This was a long weekend. I painted my sons room. Three times actually. And my husband tore a hole in the bathroom floor thats bigger than me. My guess is that it will be there a while too. So I decided thru all the stress to think of something happy. I came up with this. Our last trip to the beach my handy dandy hubby and son built this sand fort. Believe it or not it was sturdy enough to stand on, and even I had to admit I had fun playing construction inside it. I have been thinking about my son a lot lately. For those of you who don't know mrs. fatty is white and mr. fatty is se asian. I forget that we are interacial until some dumbass has to bring it up.

Now I know that we live in the age where we are all supposed to be accepting of one another. I don't think that is possible all the time either. But please, when we are out as a family please do not whisper or sit next to us and comment about how people should not marry out of their race and create half breeds. Please do not look down on my son for something he should be proud of. If I hear it again I will punch you out. I don't care if you are a 90 year old lady.

On to happier things. My neighbor hates me. Well kind of. She likes me but she likes to put us down. Now keep in mind that our houses were built at the same time with the same floorplans and land. She will come up to the fence and say you know, our house is better because we put more money into it. We look nicer because we buy expensive clothes. Yadda yadda yadda. There is a fine line between being proud and being cocky. I just smile and say mhm and go on about my business. The cars we drive are not new. One is a 96 and one is a 99. But they are paid for in full. Now she has some green bmw that put her about 30 grand in debt. If thats what you want to do, hey go for it. Now she taunts us about her car all the time. How fast it is, how nice it looks and all that crap. So today in between bouts of painting and getting high off latex paint I go outside to get some fresh air. I hear this thunk thunk thunk. And then this screaming going damnit my car won't start. Apparently her fancy ass car shit out on her. Now I could have been adult and offered to help her but I only had one thing to say to her.


I really love mondays.

Oct 12, 2005

dum da dum dummmmmmmmmmm

Its cold. Or I'm frigid either way I feel like I need some electric undies. I am 8 lbs away from being a weight I would be comfortable be knocked up at. So again I find myself charting days and cervical mucus in my head with the hopes that maybe this time we will get it right. Well all that jazz is waiting until next month because I'm going to hit my weight goal first damnit. And honestly I'm just enjoying having sex because we want to and not because some stupid calendar says my cervix is high. It can take the spontinaity out of sex. And the fun and enjoyment too. It creeps into your head like some weird kind of disease and all you can think about is your girly bits. Haha, that being said I'm fixing to make next months calendar.

I have decided that for my husbands birthday next spring I am going to go have some pin up pictures taken. The good thing about living in portland is that theres a lot of artsy fartsy people here so finding a photographer I liked was suprisingly easy. Up until this year there are only a few pictures with me in them. I was always hiding behind something hoping my gut didn't show or that my arm fat would some how magicly edit itself out. Today I realized how stupid that is. I missed out on a lot because I was all self concious. Now I could give a shit. But really, I think he would enjoy that a lot.

Our annual trip to the pumpkin patch takes place this saturday and the karma gods have decided to make the rain stop so wer don't catch the flu while hunting those orange orbs. The farm we go to has these huge blocks of hay set up with all sorts of tunnels and stuff to crawl thru and a lot of activities so its fun. I get lost in the stupid corn maze every year. One of these days I will outsmart it. Although I wouldn't count on that happening any time soon. We might actually journey over to suavies island this year. I've heard they have a HUGE maze. If I'm going to get lost I might as well pick something nice to wander around in for hours right?

Oct 9, 2005

Its a good thing I am not violent

Well I'm sure you all heard that my dryer stopped working. Totally shit out on me. I'm still traumatized from the horrible screeching and smoking that took place. But underpants must be washed. So I washed all of our clothes at home today and journeyed to the laundromat. I packed the van with hangers and bounce and apparently the stupid idea that this just might be fun. If the sign on the outside did not say laundry I would have thought this place was some kind of crack den. Well, I'm a tough girl so in I go. I carry in what feels like a 50lb basket and then after I make sure there are no ax murderers I tell my son to come in. I put the clothes in and quartered the machines up and out of no where came 4 of the most evil spawn I have ever seen. Now I am not one for making kids sit pefectly still or anything, and I really consider myself pretty layed back. However, when the kids went from pushing all the buttons to pouring out peoples clothes, to throwing water, then to hitting my son I just about lost it. And the parents said nothing. ARE YOU F$&#ING KiDDING!!!!!!! I understand that when you have your first child it takes a while to get used to having to say no and lay down some basic rules, but by the time 4 heads have made their way out of your crotch you should have a clue about right and wrong. It was the first time I ever felt like duct taping kids to a chair. Of course I feel bad for the kids because they have no social skills and that must make it tough in school. But not bad enough to make me not want to choke them.

I can't wait to get a new dryer, but it may be a while. When I met my boy toy he was at least $50,000 in debt. No it wasn't school loans or cars, it was just about 10 years of him living way among his means. Now that we have a home and cars (paid in full thank god) and have paid the majority of his debts off I am really leary about using credit. Its like this big 17 eyed monster that hides in the attic. So now we don't buy anything we can't afford. Yes, thats right. No plastic, no payment plans, and no store credit. If we can't pay for it in cash we just simply don't buy it. BUT, I really want a dryer. I don't want to go thru laundry hell again. I also don't want to give into the credit monster either. So I will just continue to go to the laundromat just next time I will be sure to bring some candy and mace.

My husband is working a lot of overtime lately. This was his solution to me wanting to get a job. It must be his inner caveman that makes him want to keep me home. I miss him when he works so much. We take him lunch and stop by to visit, but its not the same as curling up together on the couch. Of course his bosses look down at fornicating on company time too. I'm working on a solution that will make both of us happy. I'm very domesticated which sounds bad but I really enjoy it. I think that women don't take pride in their home or cooked meals anymore. Part time work wouldn't change that. It would mean that he wouldn't have to slave away at work so much anymore. Then we could make out more. Sounds like a win win situation if you ask me.

Oct 8, 2005

Weighty issues

Since I have started this journey I have lost a total of 48 lbs and 21.5 inches. Sometimes it doesn't feel like much until I lift something that weighs 50lbs. No wonder I was so bitchy. I have to be honest when I say that since I have dropped below 200 I don't weigh myself as religously but I'm down to about 190. 35 more to go and well. I don't know what after that. Recently I have been greeted by my don't you look great's and oh you are so lucky to have it drop off like that's. Bull shit. I worked hard. I have also been hearing a lot of I have tried everything and it just won't come off. No you haven't my friend. But Allan has. He has lost a person and is still going. I find it hard to believe that someone could try the post gastric bypass regimine that he did (without the surgery) and not lose a single pound. Its all about accountability people. That is what has made a difference to me. And getting off my ass. That helped too.

With my body starting to return to normal and my hormones leveling out I've stumbled across the realization that after all these years of trying to get pregnant it is now a true possibility. Then it sinks in that pregnancy = weight gain. Now I'm not the vainest creature you will ever meet but I have worked hard and the thought of my stomach stretching uncontrollably bothers me a bit. I am trying to find a balance. We have wanted this for so long. I guess its like winning a car or something. You dream about it for so long and then when it really does happen its well, weird. I am enthralled but leary of a pregnancy right now. Does it sound selfish that I would like to lose 20 more lbs before giving my eggs free reign? I just don't want to go over 200 ever again. If I got pregnant now I would. At 170 I would be able to not worry so much and I think have a healthier pregnancy. This would all be so much easier if my husband would not tear up every time he sees a baby. On the home from lunch today we stopped and bought a megabucks ticket just for shits and giggles and he looked me dead in the eye and said he would rather have a baby than a million dollars. Well shit. I might for the first time ever avoid sex during ovulation. Anyone who has spent years trying to find the exact moment to be spermified understands how hard that will be. Now I'm off to throw away more fat clothes.

Oct 6, 2005

Clever title goes here

I never said I was a strong person. I am trying to just roll with the punches on this fertility thing but I have to say that today it really got to me. I am ready to reach into someones body, snatch an ovary and run. I don't know exactly what I would do with it but somehow I think I would feel better. I try not to hate pregnant women but sometimes it just happens. I don't really hate you, I just envy you. So if you see me wandering around the streets manicly crying and laughing just chalk it up the crack that must be slowly leaking from my ovaries. Enough about my girlie bits thou.

Its fall. Yeah, big whoop. Our trees are starting to change color and my pretty flowers are dying back. Its cold as all hell already and I am already looking forward to may. But in the mean time I am determined to enjoy this 9 months without sun we call winter here in oregon. So I have been looking around at things to do to enjoy my surroundings year round. Beer and massage keep popping up on my list, but I should really try to find an outdoor sport or something that I can enjoy. Maybe mud football. I played that once after I was saran wrapped to someone. Ahhhhhhhhhh, to be a teenager again.

Tomorrow I think me and my son are going to go for a train ride. We have a light rail system here that I must admit is really efficient. Is it easier to drive? You betcha. But is it as fun as sitting next to people who have really odd odors? Neverrrrrrrrrr.

Oct 3, 2005


My son got sent to the principals office today. Four weeks in school and he has had the pleasure of visiting her twice.

My main bathroom is flooded because some doodad broke on the toilet. We fixed it last night and finally cleaned up the gallons of water only to have it do it today too.

My dryer shit out on me. Yeah, I'm wearing my husbands sweats today.

But, I'm still having a good day. No its not some drug induced stupor. Its not lack of sleep. I am starting my period. I know, who is happy to be on the rag right? Me. For me it gets me one step closer to having a little bean in me again. So I sit here with cookie crumbs on my shirt and my belly a little bloated and I am so damn happy I could crap myself. Or nap. I think I'll nap.

Oct 1, 2005

Put tab A into slot B

Today we went to barns and nobles to get some books for my son. We sat there drinking coffee and letting him play with the trains. My husband got engrossed in some weird book about the sound barrier so I wandered off. I somehow ended up in the sex books. I looked at a few and then asked my husband if he wanted one. He looked unsure until I opened to page 42. We bought it on the spot and brought it home to um practice. After an extended study session I am glad to report that it was well worth my $33.95.

It was rainy and crap today. So we huddled inside our favorite pizza place and played board games and pacman until we were just exaughsted. May not sound like fun but today was a great day. Now I'm off to go defend my crown as Sorry champion. Damn that game is addicting