Jun 29, 2005

the crack just kicked in

Originally uploaded by fatty pants.

Well well well. I think everything is going okay. Finished the clomid and now I've turned into a mucus maniac inspecting every panty and bit of toilet paper I can find. Oh yeah and that pesky urge to pee on that lil monitor that never gives me a happy face. I don't know how so many women go thru years of this without going insane. It should be easy right? Insert penis and squirt. But not for me. Anyway on to lighter subjects.

Hahahahahhahaha I made a funny. I lost a few pounds. Official gym weight today was 220. Thats down 18 lbs and I couldn't be happier. Well I could, but you know, what can you do....It hasn't been to hard so far. I just stopped buying the ben and jerry's. I'm sure it will be hell later. Like at the fourth of july bbq's. I might as well just buy some bigger pants right now. You know I was thinking as I was feeling my fat bounce up and down on the eliptical today, I wonder what is harder. Losing weight or infertility. Because on one side you can hide the fact that you are infertile but its really hard to hide a 3 yard butt. BUT its easy to talk about weight with people (i think) and have people relate to you. I think that is very hard to do with infertility.

I wonder if anyone reads this blog. Probably not.

Jun 20, 2005

My guts are falling out

Today I started what can only be called a horrendous period. I think about three pounds of clots fell out of me, not to mention all the fun cramping. But this makes me happy. Why? Not because of my stash of pain pills, but the fact that the last time my cycles were this strong I ovulated on my own. So I will keep my fingers crossed and my legs open. I have just now realized that there are not any movies about fertility issues. Well a few. But they suck. I mean REAL fertility crap. Like having to do shots at the starbucks bathroom beacuse you are convinced if you don't do them at the same time everyday your eggs will go bad.

I went to the mall over the weekend. It made me cry. Thats just all I have to say about that. I need to go clot some more.

Jun 12, 2005

I'm an addict

tater tot
Originally uploaded by fatty pants.

This is something I am not proud of but I am hopelessly addicted to tater tots. I can eat 40 lbs of them and not even bat an eye. They are just the perfect ball of grease carbs and salt. I'm sure at least half of my blubber has been caused by these tasty little morsels. And I really wouldn't have it any other way. I also have a confession. I had another blog at one point. I abandon it because I was the only one left that hadn't gotten pregnant. I am happy for people who are enjoying success, but at a time when I can barely keep myself from crying when I see a pregnant lady I don't really think I can stay in that community. BUT I am grateful for all of their support. I'm just jealous. I want a healthy slobbering baby of my own. Last night was bad. I decided that if we cannot conceive in the next few years that I would let my husband go. Its not his fault. Its mine. All on me. I want him to know what it is like to be a parent. I love him more than I could possibly love another, but I cannot be all the things he needs. I told him all that and he just looked at me like I was crazy and then he took my m&m's away cause my tears were making the colors run. It. was. rough.

But thats the thing. It is my problem. He is able to have babies and the fact that he stays amazes me. I am always waiting for it all to fall apart. And to make it worse I'm all pms total bitch lately. I start a new cycle soon. Yay for me right? I don't know if I can take any more phone calls that start out with.....well this cycle didn't look so good. WHY NOT. What changed between having my son and now? Was it the IUD? Is it punishment for all the drugs and partying of my youth? Did I flip god off on accident or something? I can't help but be angry right now, I can't help but be bitter, and I can't help but be jealous. I can't stop crying and I can't help that either. Now I'm going to get back to my tater tots.

Jun 9, 2005

Sex gives me A.D.D.

Originally uploaded by fatty pants.

I always find it really strange how I cannot relax after sex. Even good sex. So last night we watched a movie, and then had some great non baby making sex. We layed in bed and talked until about 4 am. After that I could NOT sleep. I tried everything. I don't know if semen is like crack to me, or its all in my head. I think that having non baby making sex is really important. Even thou the word ovulation still gives my husband an erection.

I wonder if all fat people have good sex. Our sex life is better than it was in the beginning but there are still things I won't do. Like be on top. I'm always afraid one of my fat rolls will knock him out. Or maybe suffocate him. Or the worst of all, he won't think that I'm pretty. I know its highschool stuff but I think all women need to feel appealing to their mate. And leaving the lights on? FORGET ABOUT IT. Theres just too much lard to hide. And it tends to spread everywhere. Is it possible to have totally amazing sex while you are self concious? I don't know, and probably never will.

And as for the diet?


Well maybe not 3, but you get the point. And I have a roast in the oven. See I can never claim that mcdonalds or wendys made me fat. I did it. I hate fast food and unfortunately I'm a good cook. I've been reading a lot of fat blogs lately. Theres a lot of inspiration to be had. A lot of before and after pictures too. But I don't think I'm ready for that. Maybe next month. I am not as brave as some of you. Is that what it takes? Braveness. Or is it just complete and utter will power. I know I have will power since I haven't smoked in almost a year. My will power just gets hungry, and yes I'll admit that I do comfort myself with it. I am over emotional a lot of the time especially when the clomid hot flashes kick in. I cried over my husband changing the channel one day. He has started whearing a cup to bed. Maybe I should calm down a bit.

Jun 8, 2005

The chicken did it

Originally uploaded by fatty pants.

My journey today was so glorious. I put on my running shoes and a few sports bras and went out into the sunshine. And I started to run. I couldn't believe I was actually doing it! And I almost made it a block. Perhaps tomorrow I will actually make it around the block. I never said this would be quick. Or easy. And its weird to run when you are fat because you can feel all your fat just heaving up and down and you swear its making slapping noises. We will just bypass the fact that I had fried chicken and mashed potatoes for dinner tonight. That can be our yummy little grease laden secret.

I watched a program last night about nutrition and how we need fiber to move everything thru our body. Otherwise it slows down the small intestine and WALA we end up constipated. But I don't know if I buy into all that eat a bucket of wheat and your poop will be gold type stuff. Some of the healthiest people I know only eat about half as much fiber as they should. I asked them if they were regular and all said yes. So do we really need all this or is it a ploy to get us to buy more shredded wheat. Which by the way is not so bad. I switched to it from lucky charms about a year ago. I do kind of understand the entire white bread isn't as good as it could be thing. But I would never become a carbaphobe. I was with it until they said no rice. Now take a look at any asian you know. Most of their diet is rice. How many of them are fat? Or even chunky? None. Thats where they all got retarded. Maybe its not the rice or bread but the fact that americans eat half loaves at a time. And oh how I love to do it too.

See I'm not the traditional fatty. I know a lot about food and how the body works. Quite possibly more than I will ever need to know. I understand what is bad for me and what is good and when I have had enough. I'm just a pig. Thats all. I don't whine that I have tried everything and that it must be some weird metabolic problem. I don't say it just won't come off. I know it will come off if I play by the rules. But I've never been one for rules anyway. So here I am about to humiliate myself into getting off the couch. I will measure myself once a month and post them. Scouts honor, no fudging.

Neck: 16 inches

Bust: 51 inches

Waist: 48 inches

Hips: 48.5 inches

Thigh: 26 inches

That is a lot of inches. I told you guys I have no waist. I am not kidding. I have the shape of a potbelly pig. I will measure myself again on july 10. Lets see if there will be any changes. If I keep eating everything in sight probably not. I don't think the fertility drugs help either. They make me want to stab people and then eat them. Now I'm off to the wonderful world of laundry.

Jun 7, 2005

Those fat orbs have nothing on me

Here I go again on a new journey. But this one is slightly different. Let me begin at the beginning. I am fat. There is no way around it. In real life I look like the orange boohbah. Only with boobs. I eat to much. I don't exercise enough. And by next year I want to run in a marathon. I know I know, it sounds like a drug induced murmuring. But I assure you that is it real. Right now I am (gulp) 239 lbs. YES I am aware how much that is. And I do plan to do something about it. So now I am to become one of those fat blogs I read. I guess its not bad. The only bad thing is giving up gravy.

Lets start back at the beginning. I have always been fat. ALWAYS, although some would beg to differ. My mom, who was reliant on welfare for 19 years always made us fattening food. But its not her fault. Never once did she make me eat it. I have always just liked to eat. A LOT. But since I have gotten married my weight has gone overboard. And its not evenly distributed like some people. I have a big saggy belly, covered with stretch marks from my darling son. Iknow, I'm just too hot for words. Which brings me to my second uh "issue" I have also been infertle for years.

WHAT! How can she say that since she has a son? I've heard it all before. But my son was a bit of an unexpected gift. I never had regular periods so I never expected to get pregnant. But it happened and I'm glad it did. But of course I was with the classic ass jerk and he left. I got a job and supported myself and my son. Then I met my husband and we have had no success. It is heartbreaking.....but we are still trying. Its another reason I am starting this journey. Maybe I got pregnant because I was thinner then. Maybe it was the iud I had put in after my son was born, maybe my eggs are just badasses and know too much kung foo for their own good.

I guess we will see. BTW tomorrow is the first day of my journey since I ate half a bag of cookies earlier