Jun 21, 2007

Oh almighty *one fantastic child mentioned*

We decided to go to themovies tonight and let out a little bit of this pre-vacation stress. Evan almighty is definetly worth the ticket price. Even if you aren't of the god type religions (like us) you will enjoy it. We laughed and snacked and had a good time. On the car ride home things got a bit interesting. My son is seven. I'm completley aware of what a miracle he is even on the days I feel can't get him to clean up his room. So this was our conversation tonight.

son: Mom do you thinks its gross when two women kiss each other
me: No, do you?
son: not really I just think all girls are gross
me: why do you ask
son: my friend has two moms
me: shes very lucky isn't she?
son: how do gay moms have a baby
me: (insert huge sigh here) well there are many ways to have kids. Sometimes it comes easily and others have to work a bit harder. Families come around in different ways but it doesn't make one any better than the other. Gay mommies and daddies can either adopt a child, foster children like auntie chery does, or they can get some help so one of the mommies can carry the baby or maybe a friend of boy couple could help them.
son: are you going to adopt?
me: no honey not right now
son: is someone going to help you have a baby
me: yes honey we are having a hard time, but we have to be patient. Its like working hard for your bike money. It took a lot of time and hard work before you had enough to buy your bike right?
son: yeah, but my bike doesn't poop. hey can we get a cheeseburger?

So we came home and watched mother earths flower shop which you can see here Stirrup Queens movie page. Its the one at the bottom, but they are all worth watching. Go ahead, go watch it, I will wait. He LOVED it.

I know he's just hyperaware of everything at this age. He is still adjusting to the fact that mommy and daddy aren't "normal" in some peoples eyes. I think the fact that we are a mixed family (I'm american and my husband is from SE asia) really helps him understand and accept differences in people and families. As he gets older I'm sure he will ask more questions and we will have that conversation about how mommy was blessed to have him before I met daddy and how daddy opened his heart and adopted him. I will tell him as the time comes, but I know his heart will accept this. I will never tell him his biological father wanted him aborted,and then wanted nothing to do with him when I decided to go against his plans. He never needs to know that someone thought he could be tossed out. All he needs to know is that our family was created in love, even if it wasn't in the "normal way".


So as I'm reading through the blogs today I couldn't help but notice the rating over at oneliners

and so just for fun I gave mine a run through and it came up
What's My Blog Rated? From Mingle2 - Online Dating

quite a suprise... but you can see what gives you the rating and apparently my use of hell 4x, shitty 3x, abortion 2x and death once makes me totally inapropriate. Well okay. Anything to occupy some time at this point. Boring ass friday. Might go see a movie tonight. Yeah I'm really living life in the fast lane

A bunch of nothing

With all the excitement and nervousness it seems like the aftermath is really boring. I'm not to the point where I can poke boobs and pray for soreness so I sit here bored as hell.

So I kind of skimmed over our appointment the other day but I should elaborate on mr fatty wanting to be a donor right? Okay. While we were at our appointment a lesbian couple came in with the handy dandy tank looking oh so excited. Well as I was coming out the tech was giving them the news that those samples didn't thaw well and that it better to find another donor and try again next cycle. They were devastated. It was just a look that I cannot forget. While we are unfortunate to be in this situation I consider us lucky that we have the basics. It really upset mr fatty too. So over lunch we talked about him being a donor after we had a child of our own. He wants me to carry his first but after that he would like to be a fresh donor for a couple. I could not be happier about his decision.

Uh besides that I love my nurse so much its rediculous. Not only did she let me see the mucus she swiped away ( not the best really ) but I was assured that if we needed to come again she would let me take a peek as mr fattys swimmers in action. I'm excited we got a nurse who is as nerdy about this as I am. Looks like the timing was perfect and there was no need for me to pace a trench the day before.

Does anyone know how to turn this damn autosave off...I'm just so flippin angered by it. It keeps freezing up my post and then they magicly disappear. Ugh.

I almost forgot I googled myself! Heres the list of things google thinks I need
Mrs fatty (not my real name by the way...)
1. to keep her toughness inside
2.to get thyself to a counselor
3. hip surgery
4. a new wig
5. to get her acronyms straight
6. a ride
7. some sleep
8. to admit she looks a mess
9. to be sued
10. a new ride

I can think of a few that apply to me probably starting with the counselor

Jun 19, 2007

A few quick notes

I am amazed by all the support. Seriously, thank all of you. I was in severe panic mode but the comments (which I read right before I left) helped calm me down.

So a few quick notes because mr fatty would like me to nap with him before he goes to work, and then I'll do a full post tonight and spread the commenty love around a bit.

It was early and mr fatty was groggy but apparently he have a good sample. We had 30.4 million post wash with 80 % motility and progression of 4. Nurse said that was good so I hope it is. Also his initial volume was higher than his samples in the past so we feel good.

It was easy and painless for me, but the nurse said my cervix was a bit tricky to navigate even though it was open.

Oh and dh is now considering being a donor.....more later I'm off to nap

Jun 18, 2007


Looks like its time to put out some punch and kick the clutter under the couch. This is a great idea for people like me because I tend to lurk in the shadows even when I read the blog on a weekly basis. So for this week I'm coming out from under my rock, granted I probably still won't have anything important to say but I will be there. I need to redo my blogroll because it is in desperate need of updating. I will put it on my huge list of things to do.

Speaking of things to do, at the top of my list is not freak out. I got my surge (thank god because the shots scare me) on my own so IUI #1 is tomorrow @ 6:45. Yes its early, but I think the timing is good. I tend to only get + opks with fmu, which is fun, so they think the IUI should be early as hell too. This is what I got this morning while still blury eyed.
Since I only get surges @ the ass crack of dawn they figured getting fertilized at that time would be apropriate too. Fantastic, my only hope is that I'm so tired I won't be nervous. I talked to the dr today and she was trying to calm my nerves, but understands because the last time I had anything in my cervix was my hsg and that did not go over well.
I'm off to spread some commenty love.

Jun 17, 2007

2 days

This fathers day was supposed to be different. I was supposed to be ready to deliver, and my husband would have had the best fathers day ever. Last night we listened to my niece as she told the room she was beginning to dialate so it would be any day now. I could see how sad that announcement made my husband. Instead of getting ready for a baby we were both staring and squinting at my opk this morning to see if it was positive, which it is dangerously close....we are on full egg alert now.

Today is still a day for celebration. Even though my husband is not the biological father to my son their bond could not be stronger. In my eyes he is already the greatest father on earth. Also I believe that the willingness to be a father and coming along on this roller coaster ride of fertility is reason enough to show our other halfs some extra love and joy today.

Well it looks like the IUI will most likely take place tuesday morning. Mr fatty is downing fluids and stretching like he is getting ready for the olympics. I'm scared to be hopeful, but then again I'm scared of being let down agaian. I'm just a bundle of nerves with a huge case of heartburn. Ack....two more days.

OH and as a note Mr.fatty indulged me and bought me a new cell phone complete with camera phone! Let the sending of opk pictures begin...hahaha

Jun 15, 2007

Cd 11

I'm under the impression that the most boring day of any cycle is cd 11. Nothing going on......which is making me a bit crazy because all I can think about is that damn IUI. Tick tock...

Jun 11, 2007

Damn horse

I'll admit I am a bit cocky about my lack of side effects on femara. That is all over..I am now experiencing

*obnoxious breast pain
*a very strong gag reflex
*headaches from hell
*hotflashes...seriously it feels like I'm sitting in a car with the windows up wearing sweats when its about 110 degrees outside
*my ovaries feel like over inflated balloons
and my favorite

I will never brag about not having side effects again....little yellow pills you've won for now

Jun 5, 2007

We are not alone

Last night while in the midst of a very exciting little league game one of the mothers brought up that she had a miscarriage last year. Out of 10 moms 8 had a loss and 4 had delt with infertility of some sort. Its an unfortunate thing to have in common but I no longer feel like an outsider. I cannot thank the women enough for being so honest last night. It made me feel human again.


Well I went to my appointment today and I feel both excited and depressed. What a combo huh?

Our insurance covers a total of 6 IUIs. Yep, thats it. So our plan is to see what happens. It sounds weird but I do believe it is the best option. Since my eggs seem to explode like cannons any time I take my eyes off them its best just to wait it out. So this cycle we are staying with the femara. If we cannot pinpoint with lab test when O is going to occur then we will talk about different meds. Apparently it can be eaiser to control with injectibles. Ack. Anyone who knows me knows I would rather arm wrestle a bear then get a shot. This should be interesting.

One other thing we did cover is that if we fall into the unfortunate group that doesn't become pregnant from IUI then we will be referred out for IVF. We have ZERO coverage for that but my dr said he would run any testing we need prior to moving clinics so that we did not have to incur any out of pocket payment that wasn't necessary. Yeah, my stomach just rolled when he brought up that possibility but I know it is there. Its a scary thing because I feel like I've just started a train I cannot stop. I'm excited because I feel like this could work, but I'm depressed because I'm scared I will fail my husband again. Too much to think about at the moment so the plan to take it a month at a time is just fine with me.

My son has overheard some discussions we have had and has put two and two together and has figured out we are trying for a baby. At 7 he is one smart boy. He is also lonely and wants nothing more than a sibling. I told him we are going to try, but that sometimes no matter how bad you try you just don't end up with what you planned on. The emotional aspect of secondary infertility on the first child is amazing. We are really the only couple we know with only one child. He longs for another child in this house just as much as my husband and I do. Speaking of which I think it is an interesting dynamic because he has primary infertility and I am dealing with secondary. Between the three of us I think we have it all covered.

On a more personal note I am having cramps from hell. To the point of making me feel sick.
So back onto a better diet I go. I feel better when I avoid red meat and dairy so thats what its going to be. My cramps are worse when I have dairy too. That didn't stop me from having an emergency ben and jerry's cone after the appointment today, but I think the cramping I'm having now is enough of a reminder. Must resist sweet, delicious, cool, creamy ice cream. I also know that it can't hurt egg quality to take better care of myself.

I just want this to work. Scratch that I need this to work.

I found out yesterday that some friends we haven't heard from in a while were having a hard time. Apparently she lost her job, then he lost his job, then he started seeing someone else. Yeah. It just sucked to see all that because I thought they were good together. It just makes me realize how lucky I am sometimes. Don't get me wrong, for all the bitching I do I am well aware of how blessed I am. There is not a day that goes by that I don't thank the cosmos for all I have.

Jun 4, 2007

Reason number 969,573,845

I know I've stated before that I really love my husband. Let me add one more reason to that list.

This weekend was the family shower. The one for my niece that is due just days from my edd. There has been a parade of baby showers for her and this was the final and big blowout. People came from out of state, and it was just a huge bonanza. So what does this have to do with my husband? He didn't even tell me about it, instead he wisked me out to the woods to camp in my favorite spot. We built huge fires, floated around in the river, watched the deer, got eaten alive by bugs and played one twisted game of kickball. It was fantastic. A great form of therapy if you will. Mr fatty didn't say a word, just made sure I was content in my own little world.
It wasn't until the last night when we were sitting on the playground that I remembered. I was a bit sad and we talked about how we got here and what we thought the future held for us. I'm all teared up as I sit here because I know that he would do anything to make me happy. Even on days I just want to strangle him I know that I am so luck to have him.

Now that our camping trip is over and I'm back to reality I'm afraid of feeling like a fat ass on our trip. Yeah yeah I know, I'm not morbidly obese anymore but my inner fat girl just isn't getting that message. She is FREAKING out right now. Like cookie dough ripping hair out by the root freaking out.

I just realized I forgot deoderant because I raised my arm and almost passed out. Yeah, I'm having that kind of day. My big appointment is tomorrow to find out the game plan for this month. We'll see what they come up with.