Dec 27, 2005

After the storm

Well we did it we survived. Christmas was fantastic for us and I hope everyone else had a great one too. We were all quite spoiled because we all broke our gift limit promises and just went a little nuts. I'm okay with that. After the wrapping paper was cleared we headed over to the in laws and played santa to all the 18 kids. My son stayed to play while we went home to clean for the guests. I mean why cook with mom when there were so many kids and so much sugar there right?

Fast forward to the actual dinner after we picked my very sugar cracked out son. Our guest were gracious enough to bring a lot of booze. My friend and I finished an insane amount and then everything was a blur for a bit until I some how ended up in my gift from

but uh that needs to be censored for the blog don't you think? But the greatest thing was yesterday. My husband is great but he doesn't really know how to get gifts so I always get a few gifts and then buttloads of gift cards. So yesterday I went shopping. I went a little over board of the underpants and bras but isn't that what christmas is for? I also made some sensible purchases but those are no fun to wear. Oh and I was blessed enough to find jeans that fit. That my friends is the christmas miracle of the year.

Dec 22, 2005

Your so vain

This madness known as christmas is starting to frazzle me a bit. So far today I have ruined one gift, burnt two batches of cookies, gave nuts to someone whos allergic, stepped on my sons foot, and forgotten to shower. But my day is great. Why? Cause I have my stereo going in the kitchen, fattening stuff going in the oven, and this is the last of my stuff to do before C day.

I ahem uh am going lingerie shopping tomorrow so wish me god speed and such. I know what things he likes; lace, nipples blaring, easy to tear off, and hopefully crotchless. My only concern is that its not something that requires more than 3 steps to get it on and or won't need more than one person to help me get out of it. I'm amazed that I can walk into victorias secret or fredericks and just pick stuff off the shelf so its time to quit being timid and take the dive.

This holiday looks good for us. We set spending limits on gifts and then turn around and broke them. I don't think any of us really expected to stick to them. My son made out the best of course. I'm not even a kid and I'm jealous of the stuff he got. As for me they have yet to do that shopping and plan on going tomorrow after temple. Shit I almost forgot I have to prepare all the fruit. My son is always amazed by the silence of the hallways and the brightness of the orange robes. The monks at the temple we go to are kind and absolutely love it when my son comes to visit. Woah I got sidetracked...

I am putting this here so that if my husband breaks his promise I can show it to him. He has PROMISED to either fix the dryer or replace it by January 3rd. If he does not I'm hijacking his golf clubs. Why do I have the feeling that pretty soon there will be a set of clubs sitting next to my desk?

Crap I smell something burning. Merry christmas everyone!

Dec 19, 2005


Merry christmas everyone. I wish we could all leave little cyber gifts under our e trees but really I have enough to do anyway. Portland was hit with a wonderful suprise of snow and ice yesterday. I could not have been happier. The cats were a little pissed because that ment they had to come inside but besides that we just spent the day playing and sitting in the window watching it all. Its funny but sitting in our window yesterday made us feel like we were inside a giant snow globe. So thats what I wanted for christmas and I got it. Maybe I should have wished for better boobs. Our christmas shopping is done, well except for mine and hubby's gifts to each other. Those always get done at the end of the shopping season when we really have time to think about it. I think I run on autopilot from december 1st to the 20th. We have had to postpone our christmas vacation until new years because of family visiting but that is fine and the hotel was more than gracious to move our reservation. We even get a free bottle of wine for going on new years! So now I'm in the mad dash to get the house ready and oh yes, pick up a gift for the visitor.

Holiday stuff aside I seen another 4.5 inches melt away somewhere in the last month. Wether or not they will stay off during the cookie bonanza that is fixing to take place is not really a concern of mine. I've learned that when I worry about it my fat multiplies like rabbits on fertility drugs, and when I don't well, it just kind of takes care of itself.

I know I've got a bunch of comments to reply to and emails to respond to but be patient. I am just trying to keep sane during this season. Also I'm trying not to focus too much on the fact that my ovulation should be occuring on christmas. My eggs like to show up on holidays it seems. But now instead of dreaming of opening gifts and having a decadent dinner all I can think about is unwrapping my husband under the tree. I guess me and mr. fatty will just have to get up a little early.

Dec 16, 2005


Okay okay I have read the blogs of the dieters who weigh out every ounce of lettuce, and I belong to a message board group who is supposed to be supportive and understanding but theres a few things I feel I should say. I don't weigh shit. I don't eat rabbit food and I don't particularly care for frozen food. If you do thats okay but really don't put me down because I prefer real food that actually has a taste. You want to know what I'm doing right now? Eating chocolate. Oh yeah I do that, and I'm still getting smaller. Its just a matter of eating less and moving more. Yeah yeah low carb this and vinegar swallowing that. I stopped dieting and obsessing and well I stopped gaining weight too.

I feel a tad better. I know waiting for a baby is hard and I will take a lot of flack for this but if you are morbidly obese you have no right going on fertility drugs. Oh yeah I can hear my email box filling up now. How can you expect your body to preform a miracle when its running off of lard.

Dec 15, 2005

MMMMmmm thursdays

Thirteen Things fatty thinks are scary

1. Spiders. Any kind, any size. Not a fan.
2. Dogs.
3. Cliffs, especially when my husband is driving on the way to the coast
4. Well my husbands driving in general.
5. My moms driving too
6. Bats
7. Car accidents
8. Credit cards
9. My inlaws
10. Buffets
11. Women who have had too many facelifts
12. Wild turkeys
13. Reunions
Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

Dec 12, 2005

Circle time

When I think back over the years I have been a very lucky woman. Right now I think I have all I can ask for. A healthy family, a home, money in the bank, and a great marriage. But lets rewind all of this back a few years. When I had my son I was alone. No help from his dad, I was completely on my own. So I did what I thought was best and went out and got a job. A horrible job working on dirty metal parts that weighed more than I did. Wearing heat proof gloves and a face mask had never been in my future plans but here I was. I was okay kind of. We had an apartment, food, and some basic things. But then there was my saving grace. There was a family who didn't know us well at all who came in and gave me the best gift there was. Hope. They brought my son a gift because well I was struggeling. Never asked anything in return, just wished me a merry christmas. I have never seen them again, but today as I was unloading all the gifts we bought for boys and girls club I couldn't help but think of them and their smiles. I just want them to know that every year when I pick a tag off a tree or take part in some kind of gift giving I always think of them and how their moment of kindness has taught me a lifelong lesson. It made such a difference in my life and I hope that my family can make a difference in someone elses too.

Okay sentimental time over. Hahahaha. Thank you for the kind words and emails from everyone the other day. Its just that my ovaries can be such asses sometimes I have to let a little bit of it out. Last night I dreamed I had a house full of children. Yeah. But the thing is I know it will happen somehow. Wether they come flying out my crotch, or we adopt I know there will be more dirty diapers and crayon scribblings on the wall. Just it still sucks. I have never been one to have a lot of patience so when I am faced with another month of waiting and wondering it gets a little overwhelming. So what did I do? Well the first night my son took me out for french fries and we talked about all the latest kindegarten gossip. The next night my husband decided we needed to get out.

First we went to get my sons haircut. And I figured why we were there why the hell not and plopped down in the chair after he was done. 40 minutes and 6 some odd inches later I emerged feeling fantastic. I don't think my hair has ever been this short in my life but I really do love it. Now my husband says he can finally see my face. The funny thing is that we ran into a friend of ours and she didn't recognize me at all! She thought he was out with another woman and came up to confront him. I guess thats what losing 60lbs and a great haircut can do for a girl.

After that and finishing up our christmas shopping we decided to go out for dinner. Mmmmm spagetti. So we order a big plate of spagetti and all shared it, taking our time and actually enjoying being out. I decided to have a drink since theres only a few days a month I really can. Well its pretty obvious I don't drink much when one bicardi and diet coke and part of a mango margaritta makes me want to run around in 20 degree weather in my underpants. Since I was wearing my period panties I decided against it and just giggled. I felt good and very lucky as I watched my husband and son sing to me from across the table. I love them both very much. But I would still like them to learn how to pick up their damn socks.


Dear Santa,
Would it be too much to ask for a truck of roast beef and a healthy pooch for a fellow blogger?

Dec 9, 2005

Damn spot

Forgive me for a minute because I am going to whine a bit.

Yesterday while shopping for gifts for charity I had to look at some baby clothes. I thought I was okay with this cycle pretty much looking like shit but suprise suprise I wasn't. I cried last night for so many reasons. For those of you who don't know I was a single mom when I met my husband. And a new mom at that. I was working to support my son and I and sometimes I feel like I missed so much. After we got married I stayed home but I can never get back that time I missed. So now as I sit and think that my husband, who is a wonderful father, may never have a child of his own its almost too much to bear. I got my hope up and that is the worst thing to do. I just want it so badly.

Today I was all excited until my temps came down and that stupid spot showed up. Now the cramping is here and not even fries could shut that up. Please don't fill my comments with next time, and your time will come, or worst of all just relax and it will happen. I need the sympathy, I just wanted to get it off my chest. Tomorrow will be better.

Dec 8, 2005


Thirteen Things I want for Christmas

1 . A maid
2 . A back up maid for when she is sick
3 . A dryer. Yes my fabulous husband is still trying to fix ours. I would just go get one but in some sick way I'm actually starting to enjoy the laundromat again. I know, that freaks me out too.
4 . A baby would be nice
5 . My son to learn to aim a little bit better
6 . Better headphones. Mine hold sweat and after a while it gets really gross and then my ears smell like a dogs rear.
7 . A workout bag that actually holds stuff. Not some froofry towel and water bottle holding thing, but something that can hold all my junk.
8 . Snow
9 . That picture I've had my eye on for the bedroom
10. The boobs of a 17 year old
11. A decent espresso maker
12. Shoes, always shoes
13. An oompa loompa, not one of the new ones in the freaky remake but one of the originals. He can help me take the clothes to the laundromat.

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!
(leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

Dec 7, 2005

Well well well I made it thru another wednesday. Suprised? Me too. If I haven't explained the wednesday crappy phenomenon please let me do so. And if I spelled that wrong, I'm not suprised about that either. Every wed. everyone likes to throw heaps of crap to do at me. Its a conspiracy really. The phone starts ringing at 7 and doesn't stop until after 11. The school is even in on as today my son brought home a reading log, homework, posters, reportcard, news bulletin and a multitude of stuff I will admit I haven't read yet. Bills get paid on wed which means trips to post office, bank, and the grocery store. My husband likes to have a crisis on wed well because it sends me in to a frantic freak out that he somehow finds attractive. His crisis today? An inch long nose hair. No I'm not kidding and yes we finally got it out. Today I turned the ringer off on the phone after we got back from the library and decided my son and I would go have dinner out to kind of chill. Dinner was fabulous and I came back to 12 missed calls. 12. I still haven't listened to the messages and I'm really tempted to just delete them. I did however get the dishes done, fill out part of the reading log, eat half a chocolate bar, and put deoderant on. For me thats pretty damn good.

Dec 6, 2005

No pictures please

We all have skeletons in our closet. I don't care who you are you have something to hide. One of mine is about 5'10 and 300 lbs. My sister and I never really got along. Not even as kids. She was always a little off and I'm not saying she was slow or ate cat food, she just always looked empty. Six years ago she created a crime that changed the entire dynamic of our family and permanently changed my view on her. I haven't spoken to her since and honestly don't ever care to again. So whats the point of me sharing all of this? After not speaking for so long and not seeing each other what do you think the chances of us living about a mile apart are. Pretty god damn good apparently. It makes me sad and furious to think that after the short amount of time she did in prison and therapy she is out on the streets again. I just think the entire system is really shitty right now. How could they let her out? Okay rant over, moving on.

Today I didn't have the time to make it to the gym amid all the crap I had to wade thru so I decided to take advantage of the fitness channel we have. I closed all the curtains oh so tight before I started so as not to blind any innocent eyes. About half way thru the lung thrust I suprised myself by starting to sweat. Oh yes, real sweat and a lot of it. How could it be that flopping around in the comfort of my own home could create a downpour equal to that of the gym. It's too bad I don't have kitchen curtains because I bet it would be great to do in underpants.

I found some pictures today. Before pictures. I was really fat. Theres no way around it. Rolls hangin everywhere. So I haven't quite figured out how some bloggers find the courage to post them. I have come to accept my body and my journey but really aren't those before pictures best used in the bottom of a litter box somewhere? Maybe I will feel differently when I can proudly claim my goal. Speaking of which I am getting closer and closer. What am I going to obsess over then? I tried knitting and that was just a horrible experiment. Scrapbooking is way to uh something for me, and I'm just kind of stuck on what to do. Maybe a belly dancing class would distract me. That sounds fun I think I'll look into the community center options.

My son is the very important person of the week at school. Apparently its a huge honor because he gets to be first in line for everything and even had a poster made in his honor. I wonder why we don't have vip days as adults. I want a week where I don't have to fight for a parking spot, or deal with assholes at the post office. Actually I would be happy to have a week off from doing dishes.

Today I had to run into the store to pick up some milk and cereal. I ran in really quickly and grabbed my kashi and organic milk and headed towards the front of the store. I quickly realised that I had come on the worst possible day to step foot into winco. It was food stamp day and I was surrounded by carts overflowing with microwave pizzas and bbq wings. Children and moms were screaming at each other and it almost made me give up. I looked for the shortest line and jumped in behind a lady with four kids and a cart full of frozen dinners. When I say full I mean FULL. I lost count at 40. I'm so glad my tax dollars are paying for all that. I'm also glad my tax dollars pay for all those damn kids, and OH so happy that you will always be a welfare leech until you are upgraded to a disability leech. And then to top it off I hear complaints of having hard times. Heres an idea. Get a job. Close your legs. Buy your kids some clothes that aren't covered in snot. Not that it frustrates me or anything.

Dec 5, 2005

No really

Want to know my secret? I am in love. I my friends fell in love with an 8.5 foot fraser fur. Oh it is so gorgeous. I have spent the last two days decking halls and making strands of cranberries and popcorn and just creating the general christmas atmosphere around the house. Its the kind of tree I always wanted as a kid. Big, bushy, and full of ornaments. My son and husband decided to love the preperations for the holidays too although they put up quite a fight. Once reminded that mom makes no cookies until lights are up they were outside before I could even turn around.

5 lbs gone this week. I have to admit it feels damn good. Don't really have much to say. Will try again tomorrow and see if this farty feelin is gone

Dec 2, 2005

Mailus Maximus

I decided today to get ahead of the game and mail out ALL 57 christmas cards. Now that my wrist are swollen and ink stained I am happy that little peice of christmas hell is over with. Now all I have to do is get money holders for my 17 neices and nephews. I hate the malls this time of year so they are all getting money. Impersonal yes. The ideal gift for teenagers? You bet. The younger ones I'll shop for because I'm a sucker for big slobbery smiles. My son has come to terms with only getting one or two gifts. He is more than willing to trade it for a snowball fight with dad so I would say my mission this year was accomplished. We found a nice condo with a big fireplace and a sledding hill right outside and I can't picture anything better.

Lately I have noticed that 75% of the people in Oregon are stupid. If you live here you should know how to drive in the rain considering thats all it does most the year. It gets dark at 4:30 so turn your lights on dumbass! Since my van needs repairs already I have vowed not to stop for non signalers, idiots stuck in the middle, people on phones or eating, and my favorite, people who sit in the right turn lane and wait for it to be green. YOU CAN TURN RIGHT ON RED! From now until my van is fixed I will just hit you. Be warned. I will also smile and give you the bird as I go on my merry way. Want to aviod it? Learn to drive.

I have lost a few more lbs this week so I am feeling good. There are some people who feel weird about calling me fatty. Heres the thing, I really don't mind. If I did it probably wouldn't be the name of my blog. Now some have asked if I will change my name once I hit my goal weight. Um no. Why? Because as long as their is fondu and chocolate on this earth I will be batteling fat. I may be winning but it will still be a pain in my ass. Go ahead, call me fatty, you know you want to....

I had someone email me and ask my what I did while my dsl shit out on me. Well, I read a lot of books. Yes, I indulged my inner nerd. Heres the basic run down.

This book sucks. I know it is a favorite among the infertile community but I really thought that it was just dumb.

This was much better in my opinion and would highly recommend it.

Although I'm not a fan of the blogs individually I must admit I loved this book. I thought it was funny and inspiring.

And of course my son and I are in the middle of Captain Underpants saga of booger boy. It has thrills and spills and is close to being my favorite of all of them. What is not to love about a waistband warrior?

Now that its back up I'm But I did go to the library today and pick up a new bathroom reader which suck me in every time.

I did go and buy my jacket! I bought an xl to make sure all my snow gear would fit and it does with room to spare. I'm off to dream about snow. Happy weekend everyone.

Nov 30, 2005


Well I was on a brief hiatus due to some dsl problems but all is supposed to be fixed now. It better be fixed or I'm flying to India to give that tech support guy a kick in the butt. So. Here we go.

My 28th birthday is almost over. It was a good day and my husband suprised me by actually listening for once. Dinner, flowers, a little shopping spree. What else could a girl ask for right?

I made it thru thanksgiving without gaining an ounce, and too my suprise actually lost a few pounds. Tonight even though we had delicious food and a cake to DIE for I still ate conservatively and was satisfied. Didn't even think twice about it. Maybe I am growing up after all. Eh, probably not.

So besides that we went to Mt. Hood the other day and had all sorts of fun. Let me just say that sledding is a wonderful workout because its tough to haul an ass my size back up the mountain.
We played until there were icycles hanging from our zippers. Everything was great until we headed back down. There was a huge line of cars trying to get back down to town and we just followed the procession as usual. About halfway down a trailor passed us going up when its wheel fell off. Not just the rubber but the entire damn thing. Guess where it ended up? Come on, just one guess. The person who guessed the front of our van wins a peice of cake! A wheel going 55 mph can cause more damage than one would think. Luckily it didn't come thru our windshield so I consider us extremely lucky people.

I'll post more tomorrow, I'm still have some celebrating to do...

Nov 17, 2005

Look what I found

Yesterday I felt sexy. It was the first time in a long time. I'm 55lbs lighter now. I've taken 2 inches off my neck, 7 off my bust, 8 off my waist, 7 off my hips and 4.5 off my thighs. There are 24.5 inches less of me! But back to my point. I have a waist. It may be kind of orbish but its still making its way out damnit. Last night for the first time in years I stood in front of the mirror buck ass naked. I figured it was about time to take some serious inventory and decide where to go from here. I still need a LOT of work, but the funny thing was that I also could see my crotch without any assistance. For someone who carried around a lot of lard for a lot of years its a big thing. Yes, my vagina is still there. My stomach no longer holds my boobs up and gasp, my thighs don't look like they are made out of marshmallows. My husband met me when I was at my fattest really so he has never known anything but the poohbah version of me. Last night he said that my new shape was very sexy. I shouldn't need that comment to make me feel good but it made me feel fabulous.

Have I ever mentioned that I have had amazing luck with boyfriends? I'm not talking about wether they were assholes or not, I'm going superficial and talking about looks. Every single boyfriend I've had has been very attractive. Attractive enough to make people I don't know ask me how I ended up with HIM. Those questions were always a good way to put down a person twice by implying not only was I fat but I was ugly. I have to admit that I wondered about it for a while myself and then gave up thinking that there were other mysteries in life that needed my attention. Two years ago my husband came and took part of a little program we had going at my school ( yes SUPRISE I'm educated) and part of it was having to remove his shirt. After jaws picked up off the floor my "friend" leaned over in my ear and whispered ..."How the hell did YOU get him?" Well thanks for bringing that up again friend. After the urge to punch her in the nose fled I just shrugged and chalked up it to chance. Well now I feel like calling her and telling her it wasn't chance. It was so many things. I have talked to exes and they always said that I made them feel uber manly. No it wasn't some wild testicle dance I did, or weird position. I just accepted them the way they were and really enjoyed them...until they became asses and had to be disposed of. My "friend" is divorced but I can't imagine why...was it because she talked down to her husband like a dog? Was it the fact that she REFUSED to do any sort of housework? Was it the fact that she didn't know how to turn the stove on? She was working on setting boundries the last time I seen her because she thought that doing laundry was out of her scope of wifehood. I guess she doesn't have to worry about that now.

I'm not by any means saying be a doormat, but just like we encourage our husbands to be nice and bring us candy or flowers, be romantic or spontaneous we need to make him feel like he has balls. Big ones.

My son looks like I punched his teeth out. Both top front teeth are gone leaving him with this gummy smile I haven't seen since he was a baby. As cute as it is I also find myself teaching him slobber control because now there is really nothing there to hold it back. Fighting the urge to make him wear a bib so he doesn't stain the furniture is really hard sometimes. So for now we are avoiding corn on the cob and words that contain more than one s. We were looking thru papers and magazines looking for pictures to cut out for his letter of the week search. I left the room to check on dinner and came back to him with a page open to the bras just staring. I asked him if he liked the boobs or the bra and he just turned the page and giggled. Oh god, its starting already. We tell our son whatever he needs to know at the moment. He knows what a vagina and penis are and where babies come from he just hasn't tied it all together yet. This way I figure having the sex talk will be much easier and there will not be any suprises along the way. The talk about uh "self pleasure" will be left to Mr. Fatty. I told him that he has to insist its normal, but anytime you are "self pleasuring" you must lock the door cause your mother will shit herself and die. That is the most important thing my husband can ever teach him.

I've been working out a lot lately and I finally have gotten the courage to use the stairmaster. You see as large as everything else was on my body my butt was rather flat. Like crepe flat. So now that other things are shrinking I have started a quest for a butt. Squats are dandy but I just feel like a dork doing them. Let me tell you how much I love the stairmaster. I would rather poke my own eyes out, dunk them into acid, and reinsert them than use that evil damn thing. But I kept at it anyway. Now I have pain in my butt region, lets just hope its followed by some muscle. I'm not picky, I'll take a little marshmallow sized muscle. Then theres the cardio and blah blah blah, sweaty uniboob, blah blah blah, thighs going to start a fire, blah blah blah.

I'm considering taking up a sport. Did I mention I have the coordination of an intoxicated 12 month old? Maybe I'll start doing aerobics with the old ladies down at the rec center. But what I really want to do is hike. Its nice so I might bust out this weekend and try to take on a few trails. If I'm not back by monday I was either eaten by a bear or am lost.

Nov 13, 2005


This weekend was great. We spent a lot of time doing things that were a total waste of our time and it was great. One of our activities was trying to find me a winter coat. Now I know this sounds really really easy but I'm difficult so it wasn't easy. I have been fat for a long time so I am used to the plus sized crap they try to sell to women under the guidelines of it being "trendy". When I go into stores now I naturally head that direction. I don't know why because well I'm on the other side now. The side with the jeans that don't give me baggy butt, the side with the pretty sweaters in more colors than I can imagine, and the side with the bras that have less than 5 hooks on the back. So before we left today my husband gave me a pep talk and said just try on what you KNOW will fit. Okay, will do. I wondered up to the jackets and they had them in all sorts of colors and types. I'm fond of the columbia ones but have always had trouble finding one to fit me. So I just stood there and stared and told my husband that one day I would be able to wear one. Cut to him turning red and yanking it down and making me try it on. It fit! And it wasn't some hideous color either. Oh, it had pockets and everything! It was also an xl. After I was done shitting myself I tried on a large. Hmmmmmm fit great. I found the coat of my dreams but decided to wait until next week to buy it incase I suddenly wake up morbidly obese again.

My birthday is coming up. In 17 days to be exact. This year I'm getting money and I'm fine with that. Some women would be offended but to me buying myself some shoes and getting a pedicure works just fine. Now we are hammering out dinner details and I am trying to decide if I want to go all grade A fancy or just go somewhere a little more laid back. I'm more laid back but my husband wants to go to this fondue place. I heard its like 120$ per person.....I have a hard time spending that much on food that I will be flushing away the next day. It would give me a chance to play dress up though. Hmmmmmmmm whats a girl to do.

I have to admit that I am not a fan of bmi charts but its kind of interesting to see my journey thru one. I went from morbidly obese, to obese, and now am finally in the just overweight section. I have under 30lbs until I'm in the normal range. Yes, normal. Hahahahahahahaha. It is amusing isn't it? The one thing I have learned from a lot of dieters is that the last 25lbs is the hardest. So as insurance I have upped my workouts and vowed away from dark chocolate (for a while anyway). But besides that I'm still eating as usual. In all the mania of low carb and low gi and low fat I have found that the key to my success is not eating an ass load of anything. I keep seeing the statistic that 95% of diets fail. I would like to know who the hell came up with that. Yes we are getting fatter, but a lot of fat people are making great progress in weight loss too. Why aren't their commercials promoting moderation and getting off the couch? I think if they showed more success more people would get motivated to change.

I have discovered the greatest books ever written. Captain Underpants. Good stuff. Its about two boys who have well, lets just say a lot of curiosity and usually end up in trouble. They hipnotized their principal into an underpants wearing super hero. The books usually have talking toilets or alien lunch ladies mixed in to. Why so great you ask? Because my son loves them and so does every kid who runs into them. It makes him want to read and thats great. Not really educational material but we all enjoy running around in our underpants sometimes.

Nov 12, 2005

Laziness defined

Taking a shower was my major accomplishment of the day. Go ahead, call me lazy. It still won't motivate me to do anything. I spent all day playing video games, reading books, and having all sorts of swashbuckeling fun with my son. It was glorius. Usually Friday is errands day and we run all over town trying to fit too much stuff into 8 hours. Today I said to hell with it. Everything else can wait. We made brownies and didn't even change out of our pajamas. I think everyone needs a day like today. Just incase anyone is wondering I kicked ass at Mario Party. Oh yeahhhhhhhhh.

I wonder what moments my son will remember when he gets older. Will he remember our vacations? The days I slept in late and freaked out? Having to clean his room? The days I am totally pmsing? Playing sorry until my fingers fall off? Playing ninja attack on daddy? What will fade and what will stay. Personally I don't really remember my childhood. Up until I was about 8-9 theres very little I can remember. No christmas or birthday memories here. In fact I'm not sure if I even had any but I really don't want to open that crap ball tonight.

Are the things we do for our kids completely in vain or does it actually make a difference. For the first few years of his life my husband and I spent a lot of energy trying to make our own traditions and lay down some foundations for my son. Now we know what he loves. Not fancy trips to hawaii or disneyland. My son likes to play in the sand on the beach and play in the snow in the winter. Fortunately we are about an hour away from both. Camping is great too because thats the only time I let them run around with sticks and get all muddy. I think all of this came into my mind because I seen a program about kids of meth users the other day. Some of them sleeping in rooms full of dog shit, not being fed, just in general being ignored. How tragic it must be to have the one person that should make you feel safe and comfortable treat you like garbage. Then it got this entire spiral going in my head. I am the first to admit that I have not been a perfect parent. But was I good enough? Do you just wait until your kids get older and see if they become a serial killer or something to find out?

I am thinking about making goodie baskets for christmas this year instead of handing out gifts. I get a better response out of stuff people can eat anyway. I'm a bit lost about what to make though. Maybe some cheesecake bites and raspberry dark chocolate truffles? Hot chocolate mix and shortbread cookies? What would you want in your basket?

Nov 10, 2005

Oh to be 13 again...

Thirteen Things about Mrs. Fatty

1. I'm scared to death of dogs and cliffs
2. This week I have consumed more chocolate than I ever thought was humanly possible followed by large amounts of wine and tylenol
3. My sons school was invaded by singing pirates today and I was a little upset the parents weren't invited!
4. Next Friday my husband starts a 10 day mini vacation from work and I have already started a to do list that in time will be long enough to wall paper the bathroom with.
5. My to do list is longer thou
6. I yelled at someone at Chuck E. Cheese once and even though they were being a total asshat I still feel bad.
7. I love it when my husband brags about my cooking but that didn't happen much this week since I essentially went on strike for a few days
8. I don't wear make up or hair products
9. But I still manage to keep my appearance un-bigfoot like
10. 13 is my lucky number!
11. I still haven't taken all my halloween decorations down
12. I've considered taking on a lesbian lover just so I would have a place to do my laundry.
13. I am a fortunate wife because even though phrases like "you stink", "the toilet seat GOES DOWN", and "You forgot again?!?!" come flying out of my mouth way too much I can say I love my husband and he loves me and my bad hair, sailor mouth, wanting to put shag carpet in our van big white butt.
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Nov 9, 2005

Balls in waiting

My period is late. Not because I am pregnant but because my ovulation date was later due to stress. My husband, thinking he has all the time in the world decideds to have lunch with me instead of sex before he left for work. I told him not a wise idea. And now spot has arrived and so mrs. bitchy bloody should be ringing my doorbell anytime. So now I sit here midly amused about the case of blue balls my husband is going to have for the next few days. Since we are trying to spawn he tries to keep his uh "self sex" to a once a week occurance. I've noticed there is a real trend in women witholding sex when they are trying to concieve. Am I the first to say that unless there is a sperm issue thats just dumb. I wonder if they just don't feel the love anymore. We don't withold because his swimmers are fine. More than fine actually. On average it is every other day but when my egg is looming we shoot for twice a day. My husbands explination for why we keep missing? My egg is hard headed. I didn't think it was all that funny either. I did get a laugh out of telling him his sperm were probably wearing helmets and bibs though.

I'm not sure if I ever shared my husbands sperm sample experience. So I'll just share again. After a few years of trying on our own I sought some help from my ob/gyn. He is a great guy. Dr. M ordered a sperm analysis to make sure that was functioning right first. Why? Cause its cheap and easy. So my husband and I pick up the directions and a cup and head home. The papers said to wait three days after the last ejaculation to give a sample. Well since I had just finished bleeding he had been on hold and asked if he could give the sample then. Only problem? It was close to closing and the bathrooms were being cleaned. He decided to wait until the next day but uh well we didn't make it. Fast forward to next week. We have managed to abstain long enough to get to the mandatory three days. After he provides his "sample" into what I consider a WAY too big cup ( I could have crapped in it and had room left over) he is supposed to have it in the lab 30 minutes later. Well we live 20 from the clinic but factoring in traffic he decided to play it safe and just use the clinic bathroom. I thought I was going to be a grown up about this but for some reason the thought of my husband masturbating in the bathroom was just way too funny. I sat there giggling and trying not to blush. My husband comes out looking like he has really accomplished something great and plops the cup up on the counter. The guy who worked behind the counter turned bright red and pointed to the bag he was supposed to place the cup in and the "private" bin he should have placed it in. The funny part? My husband got a little bit on the outside of the cup. The lab tech really should have been wearing gloves.

Three days later my doctor calls giggling. I assume he has heard things from the lab tech but apparently my husband not only has a VERY high sperm count but an amazing amount of good ones. No double tails, no heads on backwards, no ass faces. My husband as you can imagine is releaved. I was too but in a way it sucked because it ment it was my fault. I don't hate having pcos or being infertile. I have a problem with patience but besides that it has actaully been a great thing for me. Why? Well I take better care of myself. I got off my fat asses and made some changes. Also it opened up a lot of conversations between my husband and I about what we really wanted. Those moments can get rare after you've seen this person scratch their balls for years.

Nov 7, 2005

Ass pain

Yesterday we took our first trip up to the mountain this year. The lifts weren't open but we played in the snow park like there was no tomorrow anyway. In some areas the snow went up to my so called waist. When we realised we forgot our sled my son and I took hubby's snowboard and made do. We played for hours. Oh, it was grand. The cold nose and cheeks, ice forming on my hair, the wind whipping my face. And the ass pain, OH the ass PAiN. Climbing up a snow covered hill of death will make you feel pain that is suprising and well, painful. We did have a great time and now I am looking forward to Christmas and the shortly to follow frostbite.

Today I want to be somewhere else. Not anywhere in paticular, just not here. I've eaten all my cookies and I'm still waiting for my stupid period. Spot, spot, spot. I hate it. Is there anyway I could just bleed like a normal woman and get it the fuck over with??????????????? Do I need to push pins into some stupid doll? Dance around a firepit in my yard naked? Take pubic hair samples of me and my husband and send them out to see? WHAT DOES IT TAKE. Sorry about the frustration but this is getting rediculous. My temps are falling so according to good old fashioned charting knowledge I should start tomorrow. I am not counting on it though. I don't like to whine and bitch but you'll have to bear with me today because waiting years for something eats ass.

Every day I take metformin, calcium, b12, and prenatals. I've been taking prenatals for 5 years so that when I got pregnant I wouldn't have a two headed baby or something. I have taken fertility drugs and wished on so many things its crazy. I thought our discussion about adoption helped but apparently it was just my hormones playing games with me. Or maybe it was all the cute babies at the store today. I long to be drooled and spit up on. You know its bad when you look forward to changing crappy diapers again. I am a sick woman.

The very first blog I read was a little pregnant. I'm sure most of you have read it, but the day I found it I spent HOURS glued to my screen until I had read almost all of it. I wonder how many blogs in this great blogsphere have been inspired by her journey. Even though its just words on a page it makes me feel better.

Boy I am just rambling today. Probably because I don't really have anything to say.

Nov 5, 2005


Well as I am teetering close to being 60lbs lighter than I was months ago I am discovering many joys. Going to the park and playing, walking around without being winded, being able to fit my ass thru small spaces, and being able to actually feel desirable. There are a few drawbacks. I know, I'm at a lesser chance for diabetes and dropping dead of a heart attack. I know this. But for your consideration on some drawbacks I present you with todays lunch subject.

The scene: Pho Vietnam-lunch time

My husband, son, and I stopped in for some lunchtime pho. Which is really delicious there, I mean pour out the bowl to get the last drop delicious. We were face down in our noodle bowl just chowing away when I dropped a meatball. Now usually these renegade meatballs find a lovely spot on my chest to sit on but today, well it fell straight into my lap. Alarmed I asked my hubby if he had noticed my tits were deflating. "mhm, I had." slurp slurp. Getting a little frantic I then asked when it started. He said about 15 pounds ago. My entire life I have had a lovely rack. Now well, now they are starting to look normal sized. Like everyone elses. After consulting my bra collection at home had to throw out all but two. I see the brightside to this. I may one day be able to run without having to throw them over my back first.

Now on the the second drawback. When you lose a large amount you tend to have a little bit of excess skin. I have about 20 more lbs to go so I imagine there will be more flapping in the wind before I'm done. I've heard that it will draw up some over time, and I have indeed felt it firming lately, but how much? I don't know if I will ever be able to have a tighter tummy and it is a little well frustrating. I don't have that problem anywhere else either so maybe it is just a temporary worry. I'm sure it has uses such as slapping rude waiters, being able to slide around on it during an ice storm, or perhaps using it to shelter people under the rain. I don't know if most people live with this or get tummy tucks, but considering that anytime my doctor comes close to me with anything sharp I almost crap myself I'm saying I'll just live with it. Roll it up and tuck it somewhere I guess.

BUT today I went shopping for winter coats before I lost a nipple from the cold winds, and to my suprise I either wear a medium (in most) or large. I have never been a medium or large. As a matter a fact I am 7 lbs away from the weight I was in 6th grade.

Off of fat.

Today I am waiting for my uh monthly process to start. So that means its cookie baking time!
I prefer chocolate chip when its time for my bloody so thats how my husband knows that doom is on its way. So today after two hours in the kitchen I have about 48 cookies to show for my effort. Not to sound vain, but I've been told I make the best cookies ever. People seem to go nuts for the raspberry dark chocolate crinkles, and the cinamon cheesecake rounds. I considered very breifly going into business at one point but decided I really don't like people well enough to go into a retail business. I know a bakery is food, but whenever you own your own business you are essentially in retail. It says right on the bottom of my resume that I don't play well with others so I think thats a bad idea. I do however make money in the summer by making kabobs and treats and selling them at my husbands soccer games. Theres usually mobs of people and kids so its a good revenue for a few sweet months.

Why am I so happy today you might ask? Well, my mother is gone. She left this morning. Yes, oh yes, woohooo. She decided to go back to her apartment two towns away. I consider this her greatest gift to me ever. We tried to be civil but it just doesn't work out well. She is morbidly obese and still can't figure out why we couldn't go out to a buffet. First of all, ew. Second of all she probably would have died halfway thru. She does not understand how my son can be six and not know what a twinkie is. But I don't get mad. She simply doesn't know any better. She is afterall, the woman who put pepsi in my bottles instead of milk.

I decided to start charting my cycles so we can pin down the exact day of ovulation. This involves waking at the same time each day and taking your temperature to keep track of on a chart. Bbt is fun. But unlike some people I have decided to go oral with my temp taking. I think that at 6 am it would be way to easy to put it in the wrong hole trying to stick a themometer in my whoo haa. That is not something I want to happen. Ever. I have a feeling it will pay off before summer. I don't know why but I'm just not worried that much anymore. Maybe it was our discussion about adoption the other day. Who knows.

I still, for those who are wondering, do NOT have a dryer. Oh yes, every week I have been washing at home and then lugging the wet clothes to the laundromat of snot covered kids to dry. We have enough saved for one, but my hubby feels the need to disect our old one first. So tomorrow I will make him go to the laundromat and deal with it. Maybe we'll go to home depot before the day is over.

I'm off to eat my cookies. Happy saturday everyone

Nov 2, 2005


I have finally come out of my chocolate induced stupor. Everyone remain calm there is still a few left in the bucket.

My mother is staying with us for a bit. There are 18 days and 12 hours to go. Not that I am keeping track mind you. For us it is an interesting relationship. The only things she ever taught me was how to lie and steal. Oh, and how to roll a cigarette. I think those are qualities every 13 year old should know. I have put aside the long list of wrongs she has done and decided to be an adult. We won't talk about how she stole my most prized posession and pawned it, or how she stole my wallet for $20, how she left me in a room after I took a medicine I really shouldn't have due to a mix up throwing up and blacking out refusing to call an ambulance when I asked her, or how up until a few years ago her favorite name for me was whore. I can let go of all of that. But DO NOT WEAR SHOES IN MY HOUSE. I can take the laziness and the lying and the mooching but really, quit tracking mud in my house before I lock you out.

I'll post tomorrow when I'm not so tired.

Oct 28, 2005


When I was younger my favorite past time was getting messed up. I prefered the subtle mind blowing yet intense body high of oregon shrooms, but I would do just about anything layed in front of me. I had a partner in trouble named Ben. Now Ben and I met while working at a store that sold a variety of everything from dildos to teddy bears. Over the years we developed a deep friendship that I will admit was based around getting high. I loved to listen to his poetry and opinions on the world. Unfortunately I messed it up.

We remained friends after I got sober and had my son and got a job. All the responsible things that parents do. He even met my now husband and approved. So what was the problem? I lied to him. It was over something stupid and was totally uneeded but I did it anyway. I lost touch with him after that. Phone calls stopped, he moved on, I moved on. I miss him lately. I miss his friendship a lot and I am sorry I messed it up. If I ever see you again Ben I will consider myself blessed.

I didn't always make the smartest choices. I could make a list about 100 miles long, but couldn't we all. Anyway.

Today was cold as hell. I went out without my jacket and thought some of my bits would fall off before I even got the van door open. I did take joy in the fact that my sons mouth now resembles all the jackolanterns on porches since his tooth fell out. I wish I remembered being that age but honestly I don't remember anything until I was about 10, and even then its a bit sketchy. My son remembers us going to seaworld when he was 2. I can't remember where I put my damn keys.

Oct 26, 2005

The magic corndog

We have been patiently waiting for my sons front tooth to fall out for weeks. His first loose tooth my husband pulled out and needless to say he was all sorts of traumatized. We have tried apples and carrots. Nothing. It would flap when he talked yet not yeild when anything gave a tug on it. So today we go to pick my little ball of honeriness up from school and he has a big gaping hole in the front of his mouth. SUCCESS! I asked him what happened and his eyes got all big and he whispered....I bit into the magic corndog mom. It just landed on my tray. No more was said and he proudly showed me the little pearl in the plastic tooth case. He knows I am the toothfairy (sorry to ruin it for any of you) and so he kindly asked if I could put more money under his pillow this time.

I don't like to lie to him and so when he asked about santa and all the other creatures we parents like to go on about I told him the truth. He thinks thats cool because he doesn't have to send letters anymore. He said next year he'll be able to write and type well enough just to email it. Hmmmmmm. When he asked where babies come from I told him. I didn't whip out the better sex in 60 days series, but I just told him the truth. He knew boys and girls were different anyway. He just didn't know why. He will learn about orgasms and how to undo bras on his own. I provided the basics of penis + bagina = baby sometimes. I don't know why we are compelled to lie to kids. In my experience the truth has not made the holidays any less magical, they actually take some of the stress off. No staying up late to assemble stuff here. Instead the hubby and I have drinks :)

I cleaned like some kind of crazed lunatic today. And quite frankly I'm bitchy. Not a single cobweb in my house didn't feel my wrath today. I am simply amazed at the amount of dirt and mess 3 people can make in the matter of hours. I cleaned yesterday, as I do everyday. Yet today it was a hell hole. Hubby says....relax, our house is much cleaner than my friends houses. I know it is but thats only because your friends are a bunch of losers who only wash their underpants once a month. Please don't ask me how I know that. But I got to wondering. Is anybody's house really that clean? Don't we all have that corner we hate to dust, or just have days where the dishes just sit. Haven't we all kicked a cheetoh under a table seconds before company arrived? I know this girl. We'll leave her nameless but when I visited her she ran in and cleaned the bathroom every single time someone used it. I understand not wanting company to see your q-tips laying about but that is a little overboard. Hahaha, she also bleached her daughters toys daily, then got offended when I asked if her poo was white. The nerve of some people.

My birthday is creeping closer and closer. Each year we try to go to the beach or to a nice hotel or something like that but this time I just want to go have dinner. Maybe some fabulous presents, but not too much. I am thinking about pajamas. None of mine fit since a quarter of my body fell off. And I am finding that without too much fat I am freezing now that fall is here. All I want is something cute and soft so now I'm on a quest to find it and make sure my husband knows to buy them.

Speaking of asses. Okay so we weren't but why not. I'm looking for mine. Don't know if anyone has seen it but I would like it back. My butt now looks like a pancake with a crack in it. Or if someone knows how to take the fat from my non existant waist and put it in my butt I will gladly pay you.

Oct 24, 2005


I used to run around in this infertility "pack". We all had blogs devoted to our temps and mucus and thought that everytime we sneezed it was sign of ovulation. In the funk I've been in the last few days I decided to visit some old blog friends and see how they are doing. Out of 35 guess how many have had babies or are now pregnant. 31. Now that just blows. I'm happy for them and all but its like waiting in line at the dmv. You can only do it for so long before you start to feel the urge to choke. I'm comforted by the fact that my body is starting to work normally. The weightloss has helped and hopefully my number will come up soon.

My husband is bhuddist. Although he knows about my problems and my ovaries being renegades he believes that our baby isn't ready yet. Yes, somewhere in his mind our baby is waiting in that limbo area for the right moment. He thinks shes scared to get on the bus. Yes people, thats what I deal with every day. So in order to bring on our chances of success we are builing a little house for his mom in the backyard. Its like a bird house but you put offerings on it. Hard to explain, but I've already started to plan the garden area around it. I never had the pleasure of meeting his mom. She died a while before I met him from diabetes. I know that she must have had steel balls because she had 13 children. My husband is the only boy that was born into that family that didn't die. I know that infertility sucks, but the loss of a child is a pain I could never imagine and hopefully never will.

He never imagined this would be so difficult for us. But I think that when you have to work so hard for something it makes getting it much sweeter.

Oct 22, 2005








Oct 20, 2005


I woke up this morning to see this story on the news. I got angry, and then all I could do is cry. When are we going to stop letting people who could harm their children keep them. You can't say there was no warning. The family knew and no one stepped in. Witnesses SEEN her do this and no one stopped her or jumped in to save those precious children. No one stopped her.
It breaks my heart that the last thing those children seen was the person they loved the most throwing them to their death.

As I see these stories time after time I think about how if someone knocked on my door and said here, take my kids before I hurt them I would do so in a heart beat. So someone explain to me how this happens. How do women grow up to have babies and starve them or beat them or throw them in garbage cans. Is hearing voices or being depressed really an excuse? This really breaks my heart. I just don't know what else to say.

Oct 19, 2005

Company is coming, put your pants on

I found out I am Micheles site of the day. So in your honor I have stopped waddeling around in my husbands boxer shorts and put some pants on. Its nice to have everyone here. The bar will be open until 2 am and the cheerios are free. I would buy some steaks and crab but unfortunately I am not 340 million dollars richer, but thats okay because who really wants to have all their bills paid off anyway.

My mind is running off in all directions right now. Wondering if our efforts yesterday are going to pay off. Should I buy new boots this year? Where is that draft coming from. Mmmmm cookies sound good. I wonder where that 50 lbs went. Did I poo it out or did it come out as sweat. Should I put on another coat of toenail polish? When will we get a DAMN DRYER? Did I feed the cats?

Wait, I didn't I should go feed the cats. But hi everyone, make yourself comfy!

And the oscar goes too...

I usually do not buy into the entire lottery thing but today I had to break down and buy a ticket. Why you ask. Well there are 340 million good reasons to buy one. Oh yeah, thats a lot. So today when I went to the store we got in line to get a ticket. There were two guys who were buying a LOT of tickets. Like 800 dollars worth. It was holding up the line and as you can imagine people were getting a little pissy. These two guys informed the bitchers in line that they too had waited and that they have saved a lot of money for this. Okay. I understand, we all have goals in life. It shouldn't have mattered that these two were russian. But to the older woman in line behind me it did. She then asked them, why are you waisting all your money, you are probably on welfare like all the other russians anyway. WOW. How they maintained their composure I will never know. I decided at that point to get out of line because my son was scared of the mean lady behind us. So despite me wanting to win myself I hope those guys win and then hire someone to harass that lady everyday for the rest of her life.

It's kind of mind boggeling to ever imagine having that much money. After taxes you would still bring home over 100 million dollars. What does one do with that much money? I wish I knew some rich people to ask. Does it make you happier to have that much. And of course what big things would you splurge on. Unlike most people who would take the lump sum I would take the annual payments for the next 20 years so that we could travel like the nomads we are and not have to worry about paying bills. Fancy houses and cats without hair aren't really my style.

I ovulated last night. My husband took the day off from work for the occasion. After the egg hunt was over he fixed the gaping hole in the bathroom floor and prepared it for paint. I finished my sons room and then started moving stuff away to make room for my mothers stuff. Oh yeah, did I mention that satan will be staying here for 10 days. Just because my life isn't ass breathy enough sometimes she decided to move right down the street. And on top of that there is a 10 day gap between the two places so she will be here. I have hidden anything valuable and am starting to stock up on all sorts of booze. Ugh.

Oct 17, 2005

This was a long weekend. I painted my sons room. Three times actually. And my husband tore a hole in the bathroom floor thats bigger than me. My guess is that it will be there a while too. So I decided thru all the stress to think of something happy. I came up with this. Our last trip to the beach my handy dandy hubby and son built this sand fort. Believe it or not it was sturdy enough to stand on, and even I had to admit I had fun playing construction inside it. I have been thinking about my son a lot lately. For those of you who don't know mrs. fatty is white and mr. fatty is se asian. I forget that we are interacial until some dumbass has to bring it up.

Now I know that we live in the age where we are all supposed to be accepting of one another. I don't think that is possible all the time either. But please, when we are out as a family please do not whisper or sit next to us and comment about how people should not marry out of their race and create half breeds. Please do not look down on my son for something he should be proud of. If I hear it again I will punch you out. I don't care if you are a 90 year old lady.

On to happier things. My neighbor hates me. Well kind of. She likes me but she likes to put us down. Now keep in mind that our houses were built at the same time with the same floorplans and land. She will come up to the fence and say you know, our house is better because we put more money into it. We look nicer because we buy expensive clothes. Yadda yadda yadda. There is a fine line between being proud and being cocky. I just smile and say mhm and go on about my business. The cars we drive are not new. One is a 96 and one is a 99. But they are paid for in full. Now she has some green bmw that put her about 30 grand in debt. If thats what you want to do, hey go for it. Now she taunts us about her car all the time. How fast it is, how nice it looks and all that crap. So today in between bouts of painting and getting high off latex paint I go outside to get some fresh air. I hear this thunk thunk thunk. And then this screaming going damnit my car won't start. Apparently her fancy ass car shit out on her. Now I could have been adult and offered to help her but I only had one thing to say to her.


I really love mondays.

Oct 12, 2005

dum da dum dummmmmmmmmmm

Its cold. Or I'm frigid either way I feel like I need some electric undies. I am 8 lbs away from being a weight I would be comfortable be knocked up at. So again I find myself charting days and cervical mucus in my head with the hopes that maybe this time we will get it right. Well all that jazz is waiting until next month because I'm going to hit my weight goal first damnit. And honestly I'm just enjoying having sex because we want to and not because some stupid calendar says my cervix is high. It can take the spontinaity out of sex. And the fun and enjoyment too. It creeps into your head like some weird kind of disease and all you can think about is your girly bits. Haha, that being said I'm fixing to make next months calendar.

I have decided that for my husbands birthday next spring I am going to go have some pin up pictures taken. The good thing about living in portland is that theres a lot of artsy fartsy people here so finding a photographer I liked was suprisingly easy. Up until this year there are only a few pictures with me in them. I was always hiding behind something hoping my gut didn't show or that my arm fat would some how magicly edit itself out. Today I realized how stupid that is. I missed out on a lot because I was all self concious. Now I could give a shit. But really, I think he would enjoy that a lot.

Our annual trip to the pumpkin patch takes place this saturday and the karma gods have decided to make the rain stop so wer don't catch the flu while hunting those orange orbs. The farm we go to has these huge blocks of hay set up with all sorts of tunnels and stuff to crawl thru and a lot of activities so its fun. I get lost in the stupid corn maze every year. One of these days I will outsmart it. Although I wouldn't count on that happening any time soon. We might actually journey over to suavies island this year. I've heard they have a HUGE maze. If I'm going to get lost I might as well pick something nice to wander around in for hours right?

Oct 9, 2005

Its a good thing I am not violent

Well I'm sure you all heard that my dryer stopped working. Totally shit out on me. I'm still traumatized from the horrible screeching and smoking that took place. But underpants must be washed. So I washed all of our clothes at home today and journeyed to the laundromat. I packed the van with hangers and bounce and apparently the stupid idea that this just might be fun. If the sign on the outside did not say laundry I would have thought this place was some kind of crack den. Well, I'm a tough girl so in I go. I carry in what feels like a 50lb basket and then after I make sure there are no ax murderers I tell my son to come in. I put the clothes in and quartered the machines up and out of no where came 4 of the most evil spawn I have ever seen. Now I am not one for making kids sit pefectly still or anything, and I really consider myself pretty layed back. However, when the kids went from pushing all the buttons to pouring out peoples clothes, to throwing water, then to hitting my son I just about lost it. And the parents said nothing. ARE YOU F$&#ING KiDDING!!!!!!! I understand that when you have your first child it takes a while to get used to having to say no and lay down some basic rules, but by the time 4 heads have made their way out of your crotch you should have a clue about right and wrong. It was the first time I ever felt like duct taping kids to a chair. Of course I feel bad for the kids because they have no social skills and that must make it tough in school. But not bad enough to make me not want to choke them.

I can't wait to get a new dryer, but it may be a while. When I met my boy toy he was at least $50,000 in debt. No it wasn't school loans or cars, it was just about 10 years of him living way among his means. Now that we have a home and cars (paid in full thank god) and have paid the majority of his debts off I am really leary about using credit. Its like this big 17 eyed monster that hides in the attic. So now we don't buy anything we can't afford. Yes, thats right. No plastic, no payment plans, and no store credit. If we can't pay for it in cash we just simply don't buy it. BUT, I really want a dryer. I don't want to go thru laundry hell again. I also don't want to give into the credit monster either. So I will just continue to go to the laundromat just next time I will be sure to bring some candy and mace.

My husband is working a lot of overtime lately. This was his solution to me wanting to get a job. It must be his inner caveman that makes him want to keep me home. I miss him when he works so much. We take him lunch and stop by to visit, but its not the same as curling up together on the couch. Of course his bosses look down at fornicating on company time too. I'm working on a solution that will make both of us happy. I'm very domesticated which sounds bad but I really enjoy it. I think that women don't take pride in their home or cooked meals anymore. Part time work wouldn't change that. It would mean that he wouldn't have to slave away at work so much anymore. Then we could make out more. Sounds like a win win situation if you ask me.

Oct 8, 2005

Weighty issues

Since I have started this journey I have lost a total of 48 lbs and 21.5 inches. Sometimes it doesn't feel like much until I lift something that weighs 50lbs. No wonder I was so bitchy. I have to be honest when I say that since I have dropped below 200 I don't weigh myself as religously but I'm down to about 190. 35 more to go and well. I don't know what after that. Recently I have been greeted by my don't you look great's and oh you are so lucky to have it drop off like that's. Bull shit. I worked hard. I have also been hearing a lot of I have tried everything and it just won't come off. No you haven't my friend. But Allan has. He has lost a person and is still going. I find it hard to believe that someone could try the post gastric bypass regimine that he did (without the surgery) and not lose a single pound. Its all about accountability people. That is what has made a difference to me. And getting off my ass. That helped too.

With my body starting to return to normal and my hormones leveling out I've stumbled across the realization that after all these years of trying to get pregnant it is now a true possibility. Then it sinks in that pregnancy = weight gain. Now I'm not the vainest creature you will ever meet but I have worked hard and the thought of my stomach stretching uncontrollably bothers me a bit. I am trying to find a balance. We have wanted this for so long. I guess its like winning a car or something. You dream about it for so long and then when it really does happen its well, weird. I am enthralled but leary of a pregnancy right now. Does it sound selfish that I would like to lose 20 more lbs before giving my eggs free reign? I just don't want to go over 200 ever again. If I got pregnant now I would. At 170 I would be able to not worry so much and I think have a healthier pregnancy. This would all be so much easier if my husband would not tear up every time he sees a baby. On the home from lunch today we stopped and bought a megabucks ticket just for shits and giggles and he looked me dead in the eye and said he would rather have a baby than a million dollars. Well shit. I might for the first time ever avoid sex during ovulation. Anyone who has spent years trying to find the exact moment to be spermified understands how hard that will be. Now I'm off to throw away more fat clothes.

Oct 6, 2005

Clever title goes here

I never said I was a strong person. I am trying to just roll with the punches on this fertility thing but I have to say that today it really got to me. I am ready to reach into someones body, snatch an ovary and run. I don't know exactly what I would do with it but somehow I think I would feel better. I try not to hate pregnant women but sometimes it just happens. I don't really hate you, I just envy you. So if you see me wandering around the streets manicly crying and laughing just chalk it up the crack that must be slowly leaking from my ovaries. Enough about my girlie bits thou.

Its fall. Yeah, big whoop. Our trees are starting to change color and my pretty flowers are dying back. Its cold as all hell already and I am already looking forward to may. But in the mean time I am determined to enjoy this 9 months without sun we call winter here in oregon. So I have been looking around at things to do to enjoy my surroundings year round. Beer and massage keep popping up on my list, but I should really try to find an outdoor sport or something that I can enjoy. Maybe mud football. I played that once after I was saran wrapped to someone. Ahhhhhhhhhh, to be a teenager again.

Tomorrow I think me and my son are going to go for a train ride. We have a light rail system here that I must admit is really efficient. Is it easier to drive? You betcha. But is it as fun as sitting next to people who have really odd odors? Neverrrrrrrrrr.

Oct 3, 2005


My son got sent to the principals office today. Four weeks in school and he has had the pleasure of visiting her twice.

My main bathroom is flooded because some doodad broke on the toilet. We fixed it last night and finally cleaned up the gallons of water only to have it do it today too.

My dryer shit out on me. Yeah, I'm wearing my husbands sweats today.

But, I'm still having a good day. No its not some drug induced stupor. Its not lack of sleep. I am starting my period. I know, who is happy to be on the rag right? Me. For me it gets me one step closer to having a little bean in me again. So I sit here with cookie crumbs on my shirt and my belly a little bloated and I am so damn happy I could crap myself. Or nap. I think I'll nap.

Oct 1, 2005

Put tab A into slot B

Today we went to barns and nobles to get some books for my son. We sat there drinking coffee and letting him play with the trains. My husband got engrossed in some weird book about the sound barrier so I wandered off. I somehow ended up in the sex books. I looked at a few and then asked my husband if he wanted one. He looked unsure until I opened to page 42. We bought it on the spot and brought it home to um practice. After an extended study session I am glad to report that it was well worth my $33.95.

It was rainy and crap today. So we huddled inside our favorite pizza place and played board games and pacman until we were just exaughsted. May not sound like fun but today was a great day. Now I'm off to go defend my crown as Sorry champion. Damn that game is addicting

Sep 29, 2005

The long nap

I have been hibernating for a bit so pardon me. My sons journey into school has been difficult and the seasons are changing so I just kind of feel well ugh.
Due to the near decapatating of several innocent bystanders I have gone back on my metformin. Yayyyyyyyy. Well not really, I didn't want to but I'm afraid dr. m would hunt me down and kick my butt if I didn't. He could take me down too.

The house has been decorated inside and out with bats and skulls. The first round of pumpkins have been cut from the garden and I officially have halloween fever. When I close my eyes I have visions of witches and goblins laughing as they munch down on candy. I can hear the screams and laughs of the terrified ones. Usually its the parents that get freaked out. Lets just hope mother nature doesn't shit on oregon and make it rainy this year. But like a true portlander we all have costumes that could easily fit over rain gear. I like to give bonus candy to the parents who care enough to take their kids out in the rain. This year my son has school on halloween. I considered (for about 2 seconds) cutting back his partying time so that he would be able to get up for school the next morning, but I'd rather let him have his fun and then drag him out of bed and revive him with a snickers.

You are only six once right?

I miss my husband. He is working a lot lately and it sucks. If he would let me work he wouldn't have to kill himself to make sure we are comfortable. He seems okay with the idea and then when I find a job he always comes up with some reason for me not to take it. My solution? Take it anyway. I want to work at a store during the holidays so I can get a bit of a discount on some things. It will help us out in more than one way. He's a kind and loving man, although by his own admission he knows squat about romance. I do mean squat. But he tries. I wonder if there is a course for that at the local y or something.

Sep 22, 2005

I will eat you

I ate everything I could find today. Its weird. I do not feel full. At least I made healthy choices and stayed away from the cake in the fridge. Tomorrow I plan on doing another ass kicking session at the gym. My legs have just now stopped with the stabbing pain from last time. I am trying to find a good massage therapist around here to help me out with that. Maybe someone who does trigger point or reiki. Mmmmmmmmmm to be able to relax. I tried accupuncture but it was a little too expensive for me.

I have noticed lately that there are a lot of fat people here. I'm not being mean because well, I'm one of them. But in one day I could count about 30 people that weighed at LEAST 275. The scary part? Most of them are women. I have to fight the urge to go up and ask them what happened. We all know my food issues sprang from my lovely relationship with the woman I used to refer to as mom. And I started thinking, is there really that much shitty stuff going on in the world that we are all drowning out hurt in a bowl of ice cream? I learned that you have to deal with it and move on or any diet won't help you. You have to try. It will not come to you in a pizza delivery box. And yet the media is so fast to blame the fast food industry or tv. But come on, when is the last time someone forced you to eat fries. Or the last time your tv glued you to a chair. I don't buy that load of poo. But I used too. I blamed my fatness on everyone but myself. Once I owned it I started treating myself better. I feed my family healthy food because I want them to be healthy and strong. Why not expect the same for myself? Its easy to push yourself to the back burner, but you will be miserable. Also once I told my husband the truth about my weight ( come on ladies we all lie about it) it was easier. No need to hide.

*keeps rambling incoherently*

When I was watching the news tonight and seen that another hurricane is heading toward the gulf coast my heart sank. Hopefully people have learned their lesson and the people of Texas will leave. I have a hard time sympathising with anyone who knows that there is a mandatory evacuation and stays. That my friends is just dumb. So to the people of Texas I hope you grab your family and run like hell. I have never faced anything like that in my life and hopefully never will. My husband on the other hand has been thru things that I could never imagine. I think I've mentioned before that he isn't an american. Or did I? Anyway thats not really that important. He came from a war torn country and sought asylum here in the us. I'll tell his story one day because I think it is important, but its also very long so it will have to wait for now.

I'm already dreading the holidays this year. Its so forced and unnatural. See my husbands family hates me. And I don't mean in the usual in law way I mean they didn't attend our wedding and tell people I am the devil. Funny thing is that I think they actually believe it. My family is in another state, except for my mother, and the only thing she worries about is wether or not we will give her money. Yes, shes a sponge. So this year I have decided that we are going to spend christmas on the mountain tubing and snowboarding our little hearts out. And of course getting fabulously smashed on white russians. I think I've rambled enough for tonight.

Sep 20, 2005

Waiting for nothing

I actually took that picture. Purdy isn't it?

So today was a big ball of nothing just like yesterday and the day before.

Absolutely nothing. I didn't exercise. I haven't even managed to get a shower in yet. I took about 10 minutes out of my day and made dinner and that folks is my grand finale. Lazy is a good word to describe me today. Very very lazy. I guess we all have our bad days though.

Sep 18, 2005

The gnome did it

Ahhhhhhhhh Sundays. Today we planted some trees and magnolia bushes in the front yard and I have to say it looks beautiful already. I can just imagin myself sitting out in the shade listening to the whirrrrr of the neighborhood lawnmowers. I could care less about mornings. I'm more of a late afternoon right before the sun goes down type of person. A few beers and a steak on the bbq and I'm good to go.

I am taking a huge leap of faith with my body. I'm going off all my meds. Mhm. I think its time to start letting it do what it should be doing. I'm going to keep my fingers crossed and legs open and see what happens

Sep 13, 2005

I am just kind of stuck. I'm in a weird place right now. Before I go into this I want to say that I have worked very hard for my weightloss and am extremely proud of it. I am weirded out. Lately people have been coming up to me and complimenting me a lot. My own neice said she almost didn't recognize me. And people are looking at me. When you are fat people kind of avoid looking. And after 20 some odd years its strange to have that change in 4 months. I'm wearing clothes I never thought and am shopping for lingerie. I know it sounds fun but its a big change in my life. Its not just a pants size, its how I do every little thing in my life. Its everything. I need to adjust. Its true when they say that in order to really lose weight you have to change everything about your life. I miss some things about my old me. But then again on shitty days I miss smoking too. Just because I miss it doesn't make it good for me.

Besides that everything is groovy baby.

Sep 12, 2005

Of mice and tilt-a-hurls

Wow that weekend wore me out. Yesterday was my sons sixth birthday. We went to Chuck E. Cheese and just let them go wild. For a group of 6 year olds its like this magical place where there is endless pizza and games and lights. I imagine its the equivalent to a good acid trip when your in your teens. It is still a strange thought to me that a day I celebrate so much has got to be so difficult for the families of 9/11. As I looked at my son yesterday I was thinking about all the kids that were left without parents. It is an almost impossible for me to imagine the kind of pain these families have gone thru. I know the day will come when I have to explain to my son that a very horrible thing happened on his birthday once. I don't lie to him so he knows that sometimes bad things happen to good people. But I don't know if I can explain to him how people can be so evil and hateful. I know he isn't ready yet, but the day will come. I plan on being honest and telling him what really happened. I try not to sugar coat things for him because I think that things are best just put out there so that you can feel your emotions and then you can try to understand. I still cannot see 9/11 footage on the news without crying.

Back to the birthday. So after a long 5 hours at Chuck E. Cheese I went and dropped the pictures off for one hour developing. Not a single picture turned out. They were all ruined. Thank god other people took pictures too. But still I really wanted that shot of him blowing out his candles. I will always remember it, but I wanted to display it too.

On saturday we went to my husbands company picnic. It was soooooooooo much fun! And not just because it was free. Mmmmmmm free. My son and hubby rode the rollercoaster, one of those horrible spinning thingies, played bouncy castle basketball and just about anything else they could get on. I however am a fan of those giant slides. You know the ones that are like three stories high and all bumpy. We must have raced down it a million times. But the real fun came when it started to rain. When it gets wet you go twice as fast. Of course you have to waterlog your rump but its so worth it. So it starts raining and we climb up with out burlap sacks. There are three rows and we all choose our spots. We climb into our sacks and as I say ready....set....hey everyone went on set. I notice on the first part of the slide that we seem to be going a little faster, as I hit the second bump I could start to feel some g forces. The third bump I caught air. Yes all 195 lbs of me lifted about three feet off the ground. When my butt finally decided to return to earth I couldn't stop so I slid right off the slide and mat and into the mud. It was the best thing ever. We rode it about 20 times. Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh family bonding.

Sep 9, 2005

Tilt a whirls make me nervous

Tomorrow is my husbands company picnic. Its a big deal. For any of you that have kids you know how expensive fairs and carnivals can be. You can shell out 100$ in an hour easy. Which leads me to why I am so damn excited. They have all the rides, booths, food stands n such but its all free. Oh yeah, say the f word to me. Its supposed to rain but I'm not scared. I got our rain coats out already. Then sunday is my sons birthday. Yeah I know, september 11 is a kind of sucky birthday. I remember getting up and getting ready for his second birthday and turning on the tv. I was devastated. But its a reality that every other country deals with a lot and it was just our turn. No need to start wars over lies and make everyone paranoid about the terror alert level. If you've traveled a lot then you know we still have it good. Just most people never realize that.

I got thru my sons first day of school! I made my husband take me out for breakfast and then I went to the gym. Its a long day. 8:30 to 3:15 for kindergarten! I'll get over it. Looking at some options for work right now. I've had a few offers but I think my hubby wants me to keep it part time so I can still cook for him. I know that got some eyerolls, but its what I do.
I haven't forgot about my blog. I just really haven't felt like uh well typing lately. Call me lazy. Go ahead. I'll post later tonight after the pina colodas are made

Sep 8, 2005


I just feel so blah. My son starts school tomorrow. I know it should be a happy occasion and I'm trying to make it that way but its so hard. That means that my baby is a boy. I can't help but think that he may be the only good egg I will ever have. He may be my only baby. And now he's growing up. Its really hard to think about it. I love him so much, and I will be the first to admit that I have not always been a perfect parent but I have tried and now I just don't know what to focus on. Hubby wants to have a baby now. His renewed urge is not really something that I'm ready for. I don't know if I'm ready for an emotional breakdown every time I spot. And lets face it, feeling for your cervix in the morning sucks. blah.

Sep 5, 2005

hold on to your underpants

My inner child is six years old today

My inner child is six years old!

Look what I can do! I can walk, I can run, I can
read! I like to do stuff, and there's a whole
big world out there to do it in. Just so long
as I can take my blankie and my Mommy and my
three best friends with me, of course.

How Old is Your Inner Child?
brought to you by Quizilla

I should really get a hobby. Soon.

So as I was cruising around some blogs today I found an interesting opinion on home schooling. I will not say its a bad idea, but I will say that I would never make my son do it. Ever. Its not that its a bad thing, I just think that social skills are a must in this world (and I don't care what anyone says) school is the best place to learn them. Ohhhhhhhhh I hope I get lots of nasty emails about this. That is where I learned that everyone is different, lunch is best eaten with friends, and that you do have to follow rules sometimes. I believe in it so much that I made the decision to send my son to private school even though we had the opportunity to go private. I think that being a teacher is a selfless act, and that should never be criticized. Okay, I'm stepping off my box.

I'm still shrinking. Everyday I get smaller. I really should have taken a few before pictures but fat chicks usually aren't fond of posing. I have an update thou. When we were camping I walked around in my swim suit. Not just when we were swimming, but for most of the day. In front of people, rangers, and wildlife. I was not ashamed. Not at all. I am a work in progress, but so far my progress is beautiful. Or at least my husband thinks so. And that makes me happy. Not that my happiness is dependant on what he thinks I look like, but being complimented feels good.

I feel like a kid in a candy store. My body shop order arrived today and I am fixing to bubble, scrub and moisturize myself into oblivion. Mmmmmmmm coconut.