Sep 29, 2005

The long nap

I have been hibernating for a bit so pardon me. My sons journey into school has been difficult and the seasons are changing so I just kind of feel well ugh.
Due to the near decapatating of several innocent bystanders I have gone back on my metformin. Yayyyyyyyy. Well not really, I didn't want to but I'm afraid dr. m would hunt me down and kick my butt if I didn't. He could take me down too.

The house has been decorated inside and out with bats and skulls. The first round of pumpkins have been cut from the garden and I officially have halloween fever. When I close my eyes I have visions of witches and goblins laughing as they munch down on candy. I can hear the screams and laughs of the terrified ones. Usually its the parents that get freaked out. Lets just hope mother nature doesn't shit on oregon and make it rainy this year. But like a true portlander we all have costumes that could easily fit over rain gear. I like to give bonus candy to the parents who care enough to take their kids out in the rain. This year my son has school on halloween. I considered (for about 2 seconds) cutting back his partying time so that he would be able to get up for school the next morning, but I'd rather let him have his fun and then drag him out of bed and revive him with a snickers.

You are only six once right?

I miss my husband. He is working a lot lately and it sucks. If he would let me work he wouldn't have to kill himself to make sure we are comfortable. He seems okay with the idea and then when I find a job he always comes up with some reason for me not to take it. My solution? Take it anyway. I want to work at a store during the holidays so I can get a bit of a discount on some things. It will help us out in more than one way. He's a kind and loving man, although by his own admission he knows squat about romance. I do mean squat. But he tries. I wonder if there is a course for that at the local y or something.

Sep 22, 2005

I will eat you

I ate everything I could find today. Its weird. I do not feel full. At least I made healthy choices and stayed away from the cake in the fridge. Tomorrow I plan on doing another ass kicking session at the gym. My legs have just now stopped with the stabbing pain from last time. I am trying to find a good massage therapist around here to help me out with that. Maybe someone who does trigger point or reiki. Mmmmmmmmmm to be able to relax. I tried accupuncture but it was a little too expensive for me.

I have noticed lately that there are a lot of fat people here. I'm not being mean because well, I'm one of them. But in one day I could count about 30 people that weighed at LEAST 275. The scary part? Most of them are women. I have to fight the urge to go up and ask them what happened. We all know my food issues sprang from my lovely relationship with the woman I used to refer to as mom. And I started thinking, is there really that much shitty stuff going on in the world that we are all drowning out hurt in a bowl of ice cream? I learned that you have to deal with it and move on or any diet won't help you. You have to try. It will not come to you in a pizza delivery box. And yet the media is so fast to blame the fast food industry or tv. But come on, when is the last time someone forced you to eat fries. Or the last time your tv glued you to a chair. I don't buy that load of poo. But I used too. I blamed my fatness on everyone but myself. Once I owned it I started treating myself better. I feed my family healthy food because I want them to be healthy and strong. Why not expect the same for myself? Its easy to push yourself to the back burner, but you will be miserable. Also once I told my husband the truth about my weight ( come on ladies we all lie about it) it was easier. No need to hide.

*keeps rambling incoherently*

When I was watching the news tonight and seen that another hurricane is heading toward the gulf coast my heart sank. Hopefully people have learned their lesson and the people of Texas will leave. I have a hard time sympathising with anyone who knows that there is a mandatory evacuation and stays. That my friends is just dumb. So to the people of Texas I hope you grab your family and run like hell. I have never faced anything like that in my life and hopefully never will. My husband on the other hand has been thru things that I could never imagine. I think I've mentioned before that he isn't an american. Or did I? Anyway thats not really that important. He came from a war torn country and sought asylum here in the us. I'll tell his story one day because I think it is important, but its also very long so it will have to wait for now.

I'm already dreading the holidays this year. Its so forced and unnatural. See my husbands family hates me. And I don't mean in the usual in law way I mean they didn't attend our wedding and tell people I am the devil. Funny thing is that I think they actually believe it. My family is in another state, except for my mother, and the only thing she worries about is wether or not we will give her money. Yes, shes a sponge. So this year I have decided that we are going to spend christmas on the mountain tubing and snowboarding our little hearts out. And of course getting fabulously smashed on white russians. I think I've rambled enough for tonight.

Sep 20, 2005

Waiting for nothing

I actually took that picture. Purdy isn't it?

So today was a big ball of nothing just like yesterday and the day before.

Absolutely nothing. I didn't exercise. I haven't even managed to get a shower in yet. I took about 10 minutes out of my day and made dinner and that folks is my grand finale. Lazy is a good word to describe me today. Very very lazy. I guess we all have our bad days though.

Sep 18, 2005

The gnome did it

Ahhhhhhhhh Sundays. Today we planted some trees and magnolia bushes in the front yard and I have to say it looks beautiful already. I can just imagin myself sitting out in the shade listening to the whirrrrr of the neighborhood lawnmowers. I could care less about mornings. I'm more of a late afternoon right before the sun goes down type of person. A few beers and a steak on the bbq and I'm good to go.

I am taking a huge leap of faith with my body. I'm going off all my meds. Mhm. I think its time to start letting it do what it should be doing. I'm going to keep my fingers crossed and legs open and see what happens

Sep 13, 2005

I am just kind of stuck. I'm in a weird place right now. Before I go into this I want to say that I have worked very hard for my weightloss and am extremely proud of it. I am weirded out. Lately people have been coming up to me and complimenting me a lot. My own neice said she almost didn't recognize me. And people are looking at me. When you are fat people kind of avoid looking. And after 20 some odd years its strange to have that change in 4 months. I'm wearing clothes I never thought and am shopping for lingerie. I know it sounds fun but its a big change in my life. Its not just a pants size, its how I do every little thing in my life. Its everything. I need to adjust. Its true when they say that in order to really lose weight you have to change everything about your life. I miss some things about my old me. But then again on shitty days I miss smoking too. Just because I miss it doesn't make it good for me.

Besides that everything is groovy baby.

Sep 12, 2005

Of mice and tilt-a-hurls

Wow that weekend wore me out. Yesterday was my sons sixth birthday. We went to Chuck E. Cheese and just let them go wild. For a group of 6 year olds its like this magical place where there is endless pizza and games and lights. I imagine its the equivalent to a good acid trip when your in your teens. It is still a strange thought to me that a day I celebrate so much has got to be so difficult for the families of 9/11. As I looked at my son yesterday I was thinking about all the kids that were left without parents. It is an almost impossible for me to imagine the kind of pain these families have gone thru. I know the day will come when I have to explain to my son that a very horrible thing happened on his birthday once. I don't lie to him so he knows that sometimes bad things happen to good people. But I don't know if I can explain to him how people can be so evil and hateful. I know he isn't ready yet, but the day will come. I plan on being honest and telling him what really happened. I try not to sugar coat things for him because I think that things are best just put out there so that you can feel your emotions and then you can try to understand. I still cannot see 9/11 footage on the news without crying.

Back to the birthday. So after a long 5 hours at Chuck E. Cheese I went and dropped the pictures off for one hour developing. Not a single picture turned out. They were all ruined. Thank god other people took pictures too. But still I really wanted that shot of him blowing out his candles. I will always remember it, but I wanted to display it too.

On saturday we went to my husbands company picnic. It was soooooooooo much fun! And not just because it was free. Mmmmmmm free. My son and hubby rode the rollercoaster, one of those horrible spinning thingies, played bouncy castle basketball and just about anything else they could get on. I however am a fan of those giant slides. You know the ones that are like three stories high and all bumpy. We must have raced down it a million times. But the real fun came when it started to rain. When it gets wet you go twice as fast. Of course you have to waterlog your rump but its so worth it. So it starts raining and we climb up with out burlap sacks. There are three rows and we all choose our spots. We climb into our sacks and as I say ready....set....hey everyone went on set. I notice on the first part of the slide that we seem to be going a little faster, as I hit the second bump I could start to feel some g forces. The third bump I caught air. Yes all 195 lbs of me lifted about three feet off the ground. When my butt finally decided to return to earth I couldn't stop so I slid right off the slide and mat and into the mud. It was the best thing ever. We rode it about 20 times. Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh family bonding.

Sep 9, 2005

Tilt a whirls make me nervous

Tomorrow is my husbands company picnic. Its a big deal. For any of you that have kids you know how expensive fairs and carnivals can be. You can shell out 100$ in an hour easy. Which leads me to why I am so damn excited. They have all the rides, booths, food stands n such but its all free. Oh yeah, say the f word to me. Its supposed to rain but I'm not scared. I got our rain coats out already. Then sunday is my sons birthday. Yeah I know, september 11 is a kind of sucky birthday. I remember getting up and getting ready for his second birthday and turning on the tv. I was devastated. But its a reality that every other country deals with a lot and it was just our turn. No need to start wars over lies and make everyone paranoid about the terror alert level. If you've traveled a lot then you know we still have it good. Just most people never realize that.

I got thru my sons first day of school! I made my husband take me out for breakfast and then I went to the gym. Its a long day. 8:30 to 3:15 for kindergarten! I'll get over it. Looking at some options for work right now. I've had a few offers but I think my hubby wants me to keep it part time so I can still cook for him. I know that got some eyerolls, but its what I do.
I haven't forgot about my blog. I just really haven't felt like uh well typing lately. Call me lazy. Go ahead. I'll post later tonight after the pina colodas are made

Sep 8, 2005


I just feel so blah. My son starts school tomorrow. I know it should be a happy occasion and I'm trying to make it that way but its so hard. That means that my baby is a boy. I can't help but think that he may be the only good egg I will ever have. He may be my only baby. And now he's growing up. Its really hard to think about it. I love him so much, and I will be the first to admit that I have not always been a perfect parent but I have tried and now I just don't know what to focus on. Hubby wants to have a baby now. His renewed urge is not really something that I'm ready for. I don't know if I'm ready for an emotional breakdown every time I spot. And lets face it, feeling for your cervix in the morning sucks. blah.

Sep 5, 2005

hold on to your underpants

My inner child is six years old today

My inner child is six years old!

Look what I can do! I can walk, I can run, I can
read! I like to do stuff, and there's a whole
big world out there to do it in. Just so long
as I can take my blankie and my Mommy and my
three best friends with me, of course.

How Old is Your Inner Child?
brought to you by Quizilla

I should really get a hobby. Soon.

So as I was cruising around some blogs today I found an interesting opinion on home schooling. I will not say its a bad idea, but I will say that I would never make my son do it. Ever. Its not that its a bad thing, I just think that social skills are a must in this world (and I don't care what anyone says) school is the best place to learn them. Ohhhhhhhhh I hope I get lots of nasty emails about this. That is where I learned that everyone is different, lunch is best eaten with friends, and that you do have to follow rules sometimes. I believe in it so much that I made the decision to send my son to private school even though we had the opportunity to go private. I think that being a teacher is a selfless act, and that should never be criticized. Okay, I'm stepping off my box.

I'm still shrinking. Everyday I get smaller. I really should have taken a few before pictures but fat chicks usually aren't fond of posing. I have an update thou. When we were camping I walked around in my swim suit. Not just when we were swimming, but for most of the day. In front of people, rangers, and wildlife. I was not ashamed. Not at all. I am a work in progress, but so far my progress is beautiful. Or at least my husband thinks so. And that makes me happy. Not that my happiness is dependant on what he thinks I look like, but being complimented feels good.

I feel like a kid in a candy store. My body shop order arrived today and I am fixing to bubble, scrub and moisturize myself into oblivion. Mmmmmmmm coconut.

Sep 4, 2005

The return of bucket head

Please for the love of god don't ask me what I ate. Thanks. It was great. I was attacked by a bug that has left huge welts all over me. We swam and rafted, burned everything we could find, went hiking, made a lot of smores, and just generally participated in forest mayhem.

Now I have lots of crap to put away and clothes to check for giant spiders before I put them away.