Updates

I really don't post a lot anymore and its not because of a lack of things to say. Its just hard to. Its also hard for me to post comments to certain blogs because as much as I want to reach out it almost feels like being an imposter. Its hard to tell someone you can relate to their pain when I can feel the baby kick and they are still struggling for a bfp. Regardless of all of this I am finally going to update.

I have been feeling movement for a few weeks now and it is amazing. Seems to happen more at night when I'm trying to sleep so I just lay there and am completely amazed.

Cervix seems good @ 3.9 and tightly closed.

My morning sickness has turned to mind blowing fatigue and nipples that feel like razor blades are sticking out of them.

I'm very emotional. VERY emotional. Just ask my poor husband.

Oh yeah, that thing where I said I probably wouldn't have sex until close to the due date? I'm a total liar pants because just days after getting the clearance we started going at it like rabbits. I find it both amazing and odd the fascination my husband has with this new body of mine. Granted he is a boob and butt man and right now I've got plenty of both, but I thought it might weird him out. Makes me feel better about myself though, which I need considering my hair is in a constant frizz now and my skin looks like I just hit puberty.

Hmmmmmmmm, oh yeah, we had the 20w scan. I'm the proud owner of a penis and set of balls people. Proudly displayed right away. As a matter of fact the baby was scratching its bottom too. Seriously a perfect replica of mr. fatty. We did however have a hard time getting both views of the spine so I have to go back in two weeks. The tech said not to worry and that it was normal, but I think we all know I went into worry overdrive. Now I find myself in a 2ww of a different sort. I'm trying to remain calm. I have the best picture of the baby smiling at us. I will try and scan it in soon.

Nothing like a kick to the teeth first thing in the morning

I remember why I don't like morning news now. I'm sure everyone knows by now that britney spears' 16 year old sister is expecting. I'm just speechless.

The eve of the big 3 oh

Not much to say. I get the feeling 30 is going to be a good year for me. We are leaving for our getaway shortly. We will be letting our 8 year old in on our little secret. Will update with some pics when I return.


Oh and I recieved the traveling dvd. I will watch it and send it on when I return.

Gobble gobble

Today I did the unthinkable. I watched oprah. Really I just don't get it. I understand the excitement of a panini maker but is it really enough to make you shit yourself? Her favorite things really failed to impress me. Just because she has money doesn't mean she has great taste. That really gets back to the reason I dislike her so much. It seems that she is so condescending to everyone that is not a celebrity. It feels like the worlds biggest douchebag clique if you ask me.

I'm sure you all are getting ready for thanksgiving but since I am boycotting this year all I really need to get ready is a few magazines, some snacks and a comfy pair of jammies. I have no intention on going anywhere or doing anything. I'm going to sit at home and be greatful because right now I am the most greatful woman on earth. This time last year I was still in the shit hole of loss after my miscarriage. It is truly amazing what can change in a year. I am so glad I didn't give up. After years of waiting I finally feel this is our time.

But since I'm not going anywhere and am not cooking I REALLY want to know what all of you are making. Don't worry. Mr.fatty is bringing me back food. Lots of food. Well I take that back. I may make a pecan pie because I really just don't like anyone elses.

I would like to thank all of you. The support is just amazing. Its not like in real life where I have to watch my tongue. Here I can say what is on my mind. Every single time I have hit a rough spot its like the calgary comes riding in to help me make it through another day. So to all of you a big thank you.

Also while your at it, what are you thankful for?

Nada

I've gotten a handful of emails asking what I was up to. I can sum it up in two words. Not much. My days are a blur with the price is right and fig newtons. Occasionally I actually put clothes on and go do stuff, but I'm really starting to feel that brushing ones hair can be highly over rated. We still haven't told anyone so besides mr fattys golfing and all of you in here no one knows. I'm in a sort of hibernation until the 18w scan. Yes, its only 3 weeks and a few days away.

I did however get clearance to swim a few times a week so last week I journeyed back to the gym on family swim day and let me tell you it felt fantastic. I was a bit envious of everyone on the elipticals. They were there getting toned and I was floating around feeling my arms get flabbier by the second. So what did I do? Retail therapy of course. I actually ordered a maternity swim suit so I would no longer have that sausage stuffed into a way to small of a casing look. It should arrive today or tomorrow and I'm hoping me and my bat wings will be way more comfortable.

Thanksgiving is right around the corner and so is something else. Now I'll tell you guys but please don't tell anyone else. On the 30th I will be.....30. Funny thing is right now I'm not scared of the big 3 0 . I am however not making a big deal about it because there will be no big party this year. Instead mr.fatty is taking me to a nice hotel and treating me to some spa treatments. I'm so excited. Did I mention I love that man? Mmmmmmm back to thanksgiving. I will be skipping it this year for two reasons. One...I'm getting round and am not ready to make the anouncement...two...its at his sisters house and I just don't want to go. I am going to rent movies and wait patiently for my turkey sandwich.

Speaking of love......we have not had sex since the bfp. We probably won't have any until around my due date either. With all the bleeding issues we just aren't willing to chance it. Its very odd for us not to be sexual. It really does shine a different light on marriage. When we met we were together almost 6 months before anything physical happened and it reminds me of that time. Dinners out together are spent enjoying each others conversation without any kind of sexual tension at all. Tomorrow night is movie night and I don't even have to shave my legs.

so thankful for fridays

So I thought I would get up and post and read a bit while mr. fatty is playing golf. He is taking this rest up and don't do anything strenuous a bit too far, but I know its out of love. Thank you for all the comments and support. I am going to try to catch up on commenting this week. I'm reading, but haven't been able to return all the comments yet.

Well tuesday marks the second trimester for me. Yeah, thats a big milestone. Except for one thing. They have always said that spotting/bleeding is pretty normal in the first trimester and won't be too concerned until it occurs in the second. Hrm....I am indeed walking a fine line here. While the red bleeding has stopped I am still spewing forth an impressive amount of brown and blackish goo. My dr wants to see me tuesday and if things aren't clearing up in there I guess I'm going in for a pretty detailed u/s. Yeah yeah yeah. I know I once said that unexplained infertility was the worst thing ever. I am totally taking that back. While it does suck, the only thing that sucks more is unexplained bleeding in pregnancy. Is it sad I'm getting used to it?

Okay other things.....as soon as any of you get a bfp let me know. I will send you a bottle of colace. It will be your best friend.

Also rent a doppler. So worth it. I think it is what keeps me from losing my mind. Just this morning I was amazed at the little heart beating away in me. I was also a bit concerned because it sounds like there is some major construction going on too.

Halloween was fun.

Okay I've just got to get down to what is really bothering me. I was pregnant this time last year. I miscarried on the 6th. Its messing with my head. But really is also makes me wonder what changed. For 5 years we had no positives at all. Nothing. We tried so many things and timed it so well. But something had to have changed because I've been pregnant twice in the last year. So I want to know what it was. After so long why the sudden change?

So those are the things that keep me up at night. I'm going to start posting regularly next week. I really appreciate all the support. It makes me feel like maybe I'm not so crazy afterall.

Quick update

Well that was scary. I was still gushing at the ER. Enough for them to iv me up and prepare me for the worst. Top that off I had two pregnant nurses. Anyway. Baby is wonderful, seemed to be waving at us as a matter of fact. So while I'm freaking out and going crazy its nice to know its still comfy in there. They still don't know what happened. I spent forever at ultrasound so they could look for a subchronic bleed, or some blood pooled up under the placenta. Nada. What they do know is that prior to these bleeding episodes I feel a lot of pressure, so for the next few days I'm supposed to rest as much as I can and when/if I start to feel the pressure head in right away even if I'm not spotting. Is it possible I have such randomly bad luck? Okay back to the couch before mr. fatty gets upset.

wtf did I do

for the last week or so I have had a strict policy of not inspecting the toilet paper after using the bathroom. I have been feeling okay, happy, and even bought my first pair of maternity pants.

So last night while I was sleeping I was having really bad cramps. Woke up this morning to use the bathroom and looked down. Big mistake. I'm bleeding again, and this time its not just a bit of spotting, or some drops here and there. This is like my period. I listened to the heartbeat on the doppler and it is good so I'm not going to the ER tonight unless the bleeding gets heavier. I will wait until morning.

I'm really tired. This pregnancy has just worn me down. Why can't my body just do this right?

Will update after drs visit tomorrow.

****There are now clots and I'm heading to the ER. I can still hear a heart beat....I'm scared my body is killing my baby.********

My big fat stupid update

So I have had every test run you can imagine. Today luckily my wbc were back down to normal, and dr is pretty confident it was a weird fluctuation that can happen in pregnancy. Fine, I'm okay with that.

So off come the pants for another exam and she gathers up some of this discharge I've been having and runs off with it to check for bv. It is pretty common to spot while having bv I guess. So imagine my suprise when she came back in saying she was suprised at what she seen. I do not have bv. I do however have one major yeast infection. Huh. I have no itching. My discharge is watery and not at all cottage cheese like. So just to humor me she took another slide and off she went. Oh yeah, she said there is a ton of yeasty beasties in there. I'm just floored. I've never had one before so this is new but I thought the symptoms were much different then what I have. She usually recommends not treating until 12w but said I should start tx tonight. So off I went to the drugstore reading packages of crap I had no clue on. I picked the most popular 7 day tx and let me tell you I am not looking forward to using it tonight.

Now mr. google is kind of hit and miss on this subject. It seems it can cause spotting, but sometimes not. Well thanks for the help. It didn't help that I spotted after my appointment today but really at this point I think I'm over it. I'm ready to buy black toilet paper and call it a day.

The good news was that all is well with baby. Hb was 160 something at the office today. Mr fatty got to hear it tonight too. My doppler arrived and so I was anxious to show off my dopplering skills. I should come up with a nickname for this little invader. I should also put up a ticker. I'm aware of this. But somehow even though I have seen this little one and heard its beautiful heartbeat it still feels unreal.

Okay off to insert my yeasty beasty cream.

Aren't vaginas supposed to be personal?

Granted I've not always been kind to mine, but really this is getting rediculous. So far I've had 7 different drs up in there. No, not since starting treatment, thats since being pregnant. Tomorrow will be lucky number 8. I'm so over it I'm not even going to shave. You heard me, I'm going in stubble and all.

So lets recap what we do know so far. I've had spotting that just seems to come and go, the most recent episode was yesterday. My dr ran a crazy amount of test last week that are now starting to roll in and I seem to have an elevated wbc count. Also the ph of something was off. Not a UTI, not yeast. So tomorrow I go in for another spread so they can narrow down what kind of infection I have.

Also, tomorrow my doppler arrives! Nothing eases the mind of a spotter like a heartbeat.

I'll update tomorrow when dr. number 8 has her head out of my crotch.

Time to remember

Today is the day the world sets aside to remember the lost babies we think of every day. My loss is on my mind and heart every single day, but today it seems like its okay to be open about the remaining sadness. I still wonder every day what that baby would have looked like. Would it have the deep laugh of my husband or my soft one. Being pregnant doesn't ease the hurt. They are people and cannot be replaced or duplicated. So today I will put everything else aside and light a candle in your honor. You were so deeply loved even though your stay was short.

I am also thinking of all of you and your babies. There is no sense in the unfairness of life sometimes, but today we are not alone. Know that when you are honoring your baby/babies tonight the rest of us are there with you.

Phew

ALL IS WELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've been trying to update but blogger is being an ass.

We heard the heartbeat by doppler, and then she did an u/s just to ease my mind. There is a very active little one in there. As for the spotting it seems to be cervical. She ran tons of test and really wants to get to the bottom of this. I do too. The amount of cultures she took should be illegal. I should know more by friday.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. Mr fatty believes they are what gets us through.

I had a dream last night that I went to the bathroom and noticed there was blood on my panties. While I was sitting there I passed a sac. I plunged my hand into the cold water and pulled it out. Inside there was a tiny little baby with fat cheeks smiling at me.

I woke up to cramps. This afternoon when I went to the bathroom and wiped there it was. Red is never a good color my friends. I am terrified my baby has died. I have an appointment tomorrow. Its going to be a long night.

white noise

I have finally figured out why most pregnant bloggers fade off for a bit. They are scared shitless. Seriously waiting for the other shoe to drop really sucks. Well that and I must admit there is a part of me that remembers the hurt that can come from reading someones fluffy pregnancy moments. I can't even think of my own without feeling a bit odd. So here I am, totally constipated, feeling like I'm about to hurl, and still bitter. I found it odd that I still feel such hatred for other womens ovaries. I will blame it on horomones, but really I just think that the bitterness of if doesn't go away. Everything else just kind of fades off into the background. At 8w I find no safety in where I'm at right now. I may feel better once I hit 12 w. I did however dream that I went to an appointment and they were able to hear the heartbeat by doppler, and it was loud. REALLY loud.

On to other matters. It is apple season and usually we go pick apples but this year that was a no go. So I bought some apples from the store and they were horrible. Cardboard in an apples body. I was rather upset by this so dh will be spending his afternoon hunting down some decent apples. I'm not a snob (okay I may be...about certain things) but how do people eat unripe fruit????

Halloweener is not too far away. I have mixed thoughts on this. I will miss out on the annual taking the herd of teenage girls to the haunted house and scaring them shitless outing. I went last year but didn't know I was pregnant at the time. Oh yeah, its getting close to that time and I have no idea how I'm going to feel about it. Also, every year I take it upon myself to scare the boys too. Last year I actually hid in the back of a van dressed like a gorilla for 10 minutes and waited until everyone was all setteled in to pop up and scream. The terror on their faces was priceless. Candy was thrown and screams were probably heard in china. I so love the yearly festivities, and will miss them this year. I know I'm baking a little sidekick to help me with future scarings so I am willing to sit this out.

Did I mention I electrocuted myself the other day? Well the stove did actually, which made dh flip out and so our new stove will be here this weekend. YAY. I guess thats pretty much a summary of life in the fatty household right now.

what a week

Thank you all again for the support. I guess I have been a bit crappy on the updates but I was caught in a very odd place. The spotting stopped and the betas rose, but two times they failed to find a heartbeat. Yesterday the dr. that is filling in for mine just admitted she was horrible at it and sent me to the big guns. When I checked into the ultrasound department at the hospital my heart was beating so loud I could hardly concentrate.

They took mercy on me and called me back early. I had a nice u/s tech who only measured each ovary twice before we got to the good stuff. We did indeed find my little passenger, whos heart was beating at a beautiful 150 bpm. I haven't really checked with dr. google yet, but she assured me that it was great. I never thought I would make it 7 weeks, or see that little heart beating away. I am in total awe right now. And I know I have a lot of commenting to catch up on!

Mmmmmmm booktour

Emilia often describes the intense physical and emotional connection between she and Jack. She often refers to him as her bashert. But after the loss of Isabel, and Emilia's spiral into solitary despair, that connection is damaged. This alteration is noted by Emilia when Jack declines her first offer of physical intimacy since their daughter's death. She becomes "terrified that I have become like Carolyn, cold to sex, unmoved by my husband, uninterested in the passion that once meant everything to me." What sort of relationship do you have with your significant other? Do you feel he/she is your bashert? What effect has IF/loss had on your emotional and/or physical relationship?

To be honest for a long time I wasn't sure that my husband and I were ment to be. We were in love sure, but a relationship takes so much more than that. It was going through IF and a loss that made me wake up to the fact that we were absolutely ment to be together. Sometimes it takes a lot of heartache and sorrow to see how strong your love and commitment really is. After our loss getting intimate was hard for me. I cried and felt empty. It took a while and a lot of love in order for it to feel right again.

Throughout the book my feelings towards Emilia were conflicted. If you felt that way too, why did you also feel that way?

It was hard to like her. My heart broke for her because I can't imagine the pain, but her coldness just irritated me. I've never read a character who could have me go from total sympathy to wanting to knock her out in under a page.

Emilia has a difficult time relating to other women who have had losses in pregnancy, usually because she sees her situation as different and worse than those women who have had miscarriages. She is particularly hard on her friend Mindy. Do you feel like this attitude was justified on her part? Are mothers of SIDs victims much different and worse off than mothers of miscarriages? Or can we all belong to the same support group?

I think that both pains are very real. I really don't think that can be in the same group. To me while a loss is a loss there is such a profound difference between being able to achieve and then losing and not being able to achieve at all. I don't think her attitude towards her friend was justified at all, but in moments of grief I know I have not always been the kindest either. I don't think one is worse than the other, they are just different.

We all have had someone in our lives like William who innocently says the wrong thing more often then we would like. How has your infertility experience helped you respond better to those "innocent yet wrong" comments/questions?

I don't really posess that ability which is why we don't really talk to anyone about it. We still get all the "isn't it kid time" or "have a kid already" comments and I have been so tempted just to get up on the table and scream at the top of my lungs that we are broken. We took years to concieve and then my body betrayed me and I lost it. I've always wondered what the response would be. Instead I just tell everyone we are waiting for the right time and smile politely. Its not their fault. They don't know.

The one where monday comes on sunday

First of all the numbers...and then I'll explain how I got them

Friday: 7,930
Sunday: 13,535
Doubling time 59.64 hours

Its supposed to double every 48 to 72 right? And those are good right?

Sooooooooooooooooo here we go. Friday I went to the bathroom and there was blood. Enough to change the toilet water red and so off to the ER we went. I was checked and she said my cervix was closed but really red and irritated. Friable cervix and whatnot. Ultrasound showed a sac and yolk but no heartbeat. U/s dated me to 5w3d, which was only a day or so off from the charts calculations. Should I be concerned there was no heartbeat so early? Anyway we came home and yesterday I didn't have a lick of spotting. Woke up this morning to red blood. Oh yes, RED. Went in and had a second beta done and the nurse (who had a miscarriage in august) was kind enough to give me the number so I didn't have to wait until tomorrow. They won't however run a progesterone test and I am freaking out. I will be at their office first thing and won't leave until something is done. I really don't care if I have to go to a new dr either. I want to know I did everything I could.

So now I sit here, spotting, waiting.

Welcome to the longest weekend in history

I should start by saying thank you for all your thoughts and prayers. They really mean so much to me.

The bleeding did stop. I am still crampy and scared. So I went in for the beta, but since its friday afternoon I have to wait until monday for my results. Now on sunday I have a repeat draw at a local hospital and I am going to try to pry todays results out of them. Funny how I went from blissfull to absolute psycho within 24 hours. Monday seems so far away right now.

Spoke too soon

I started bleeding tonight. I feel crampy too. I am scared and devastated.

5w3d

Not much else to say. Boobs are heavy and veiny but not all that sore. I'm not having nausea that is anything to really report. Just kind of feel like I ate too many shrimp and got on a boat. I am peeing a lot but I think its due to the billions of gallons of water I'm chugging each day. I finally got the nads to call and schedule my first ob appointment. YES, just now. Seems like October 10th will be the day. I have turned down offers for betas and early u/s. Yeah I'm sure I will kick myself in the ass later, but really all I think it will do is stress me out. For now I'm just enjoying the ride.

still at a loss for words

Well here's the pic you've all been waiting for

Oh wait, thats not it is it? Give poor darwin a break. He's been through a lot in the last few days too. But after his confirmation that my test are indeed getting darker I thought I could post one. It is fuzzy, but positive none the less.

According to my opk I am 13 dpo, according to charting I'm 12dpo. Either way I am starting to feel that flicker of hope. I am not stupid enough to believe that pregnancy = baby any more. Instead I have decided to enjoy this ride and love every second of this I get. My boobs aren't really all that sore, I'm not really all the tired, and the nausea comes and goes. But I am 100% in love with my little uterus attatchement already. Thank you so much for the congrats and prayers. They really mean so much to us.

.....

We are pregnant. Confirmed by countless dollar trees, first response and even the coveted digital. P4 2 days ago was only 17.1. We are scared. Please send us all the prayers you can spare.

Huh

Well this weekend was a rollercoaster ride. The funeral was saturday. It was a beautiful ceremony. Afterwards we got the stuff to bbq at the house and went home to make dinner. I was blissfully making my hamburgers when she showed up. Yes her. My niece that anounced her pregnancy shortly after my miscarriage. You know the one that was due eerily close to my due date. The one that delivered a beautiful baby girl while I holed myself up in my room and cried my eyes out. Yes her. And her baby. In my yard. I really had no where to run. It was like being hit in the face by a bag of bricks. In my mind it doesn't bother me, but in reality when she shows up unanounced complaining of parenthood it made me want to die. Our babies would be the same age.

I haven't been able to bring myself to hold her. But don't think I haven't noticed her tiny little hands and perfect little toes. I feel robbed.

Have you seen this crazy lady?

My husband is somewhat freaked out by the accuracy of the hair and shovel. Mel did a great job on making our little clicker people and I must say we are one hot looking group of clickers. Almost sounds obsene. If you would like to know more about the clickers go here . I like to think of us as your friendly neighborhood stalkers. As I was clicking through some yesterday I realized I don't even know what many of the adoption terms mean. TWW and HSG and BFN I know by heart but I am embarassed to say I don't know what LID means. So today I'm off to the library to find a book that will help me out. I was suprised to see several bloggers I used to follow when they were ttc.

Really I wanted to encourage people to use the lost and found. You can follow the link on the sidebar. I've fallen in love with this site and let me tell you why. I really don't have the time to click through 800 million blogs a day and I love the fact that anouncements can be posted and off we go to give support. It is nearly impossible to keep up with everyone/thing so its a really handy tool.

Yes on to ovary news. I had a temp rise this morning so I am veeeeeeeeeeery tenatively anouncing that I ovulated. We will see tomorrow.

I must be bouncing off now. I need to capture pictures for this weeks favorite things.

I surrender

So the iui yesterday went perfectly. Great numbers and no pain. Last night I even had my ritual ovulistic crying jag. Seems like perfect timing no?

So this morning I get up use the bathroom and notice that the faucet of ewcm I've had is still there. Thats odd....so I check cp. Still so high I can barely reach it, but when I do that sucker is open enough to drive a small bus of japanese tourist through. Now in a full blown state of panic I run to get my themometer and see what the temp was for this morning. 97.3. SHIT. I'm now the proud owner of a badly timed IUI. I do not understand. My opk was the darkest I had ever seen.

I'm afraid this cycle has gone to shit. Its my fault because I decided to play with the soy isoflavones. Whatever. I'm chalking it up to experience and moving on.....does anyone know how long post washed semen last?

I found it

So here I am cd 19. Did I mention that I figured out the reason I missed my surge? Uh, I didn't have one. I geared up to O and then fell short. My temps have stayed at 97.3. This morning I found my surge. I have tons of ewcm and twinges in all the right places so IUI #3 is tomorrow morning @ 8. Wish us luck people, we could really use some.

I was having a good day. Went to the gym, got errands done, and watched a movie. We got a call that my brother in laws father passed away this morning. We knew it was coming, he has had cancer for quite a while. My husband is going to the house tonight to help get whatever needs to be done done. Since he was going over there me and tater tot (ds) decided to grab a quick dinner and rent some movies.

On the way back from the movie store we passed a pregnant girl smoking. Just when you thought it couldn't get worse her husband called her a whore. I wasn't going to let it get to me today. It got mr fatty instead. He's eyes welled up and he just said he didn't understand. It was like opening a floodgate. He talked about having dreams of a baby that looked like him but had my blue eyes and how his heart is aching. He is heartbroken and sad and I cannot fix it. It is starting to haunt him like it does me, and I never wanted that to happen.

Here are a few of my favorite things

It seems so easy to focus on the negative sometimes. So I decided to make up a list of my favorites for friday. Hey, what a nifty name, friday favorites.


First lets start off with the giant veggie pic I've been promising! For size comparison I have added an opk for reference

Now out of many things that make my garden wonderful I must say this geranium I picked up for a buck fifty because it was dying has turned into my favorite. See what some love and fertilizer can do.

Here I have made some biscuits to counter act all the hard work I've been putting in at the gym. Oh come on, you know you want one. They were fabulous dipped into my potato sausage soup. Oh yeah, its all going straight to the hips

Unless...here is my beloved yoga mat. I am suprised it doesn't have my ass print permanently imbedded in it yet. Its ugly, but comfy and I have yet to slip on it. Oh and notice the new bedding I bought when IUI #2 failed. I love it. Mmmmmmmmmm softness


So that is a few things in my life right now I am thankful for. Screw the messed up opks, I've got good veg and a soft bed!


So tell me, what are your favorites?

OR just call me stupid pants

First of all thanks for the positive comments. It goes to show that even after losing 90 lbs you have to keep up with maintaining your weight. Anyway went to the gym, feel sore blah blah blah.


OH YEAH DID I MENTION I MISSED MY DAMN SURGE. I checked last night and it was almost positive....really close. This morning still close but no cigar. Since the call in deadline for appointments is noon I figured no biggie. My surge will start some time tonight or tomorrow. Well just for giggles I poas when I got in from the gym. I have never seen such a negative opk in my life. Hm. Maybe I should go try one again.

Please hold....

Still negative. Like squinting to see the second line on an answer opk. Yeah, thats negative. Sooooooooooooooooooooo looks like I'm getting a break from the speculum this month after all. Of course we will have the obligatory sex, but I think I'll mix up a few drinks and not worry. No hip propping tonight!

Just call me sausage pants

I've gained back 20 pounds. There I said it. Shit shit shit. So in response to this unpleasant revelation I have dusted off the gym bag and returned to my old love....I missed the gym. Its the only place I feel equal because there usually aren't any pregnant women lurking in there. Shit. 20 pounds! I could say its the depression, or the miscarriage, maybe even the fertility drugs but thats a lie. I just sat on my fat ass eating pop tarts and now my jeans barely button. I shall fix this. THIS I can fix.

It looks like iui #3 will be sometime in the next few days. I did develope 2 nice follies taking the soy isoflavones. Hrm. Who would have thought it would work? I'm off to bed. I'm beat from my workout.

Ready

I guess I should elaborate on my last post. I cannot say that I have given up ALL hope on iui. I always have a chance of winning the 140 million dollar lotto or getting hit by lightning too. It is possible. I'm just feeling the pressure of failure breathing down my neck. It was a good flip out to have because now I know I am ready to move forward if I need to. We'll see if we get lucky with the iuis (and I do believe it will take luck) but if we don't I'm okay with that. I say that now but I totally reserve the right to flip out when faced with another bfn.

Enough jibberish about my girly parts. Today was harvest day out in the garden and I hauled in the biggest zucchini ever. I will take pics tomorrow, but seriously I could use it as a lethal weapon. The asian pears and blackberries are so sweet right now I really can't keep myself out of them.

Oh, is anyone reading along with the barren bitches book tour? If you aren't I would encourage you to read along. The current tour can be found here . The book (Love and Other Impossible Pursuits) is really interesting because I feel really torn about the main character. I won't say more than that. But it is a really good read.

Also just a psa. If you need to find anything try checking the lost and found thingy in the sidebar over yonder. Its a good way to find someone, make an anouncement, or find bloggers who have been there, done that, and can lend some advice.

Nowhere land

Welcome to scrambled brainville. I haven't even been able to put a string of thoughts together lately. I'm just so so so something.

Trip went well. Had the talk with mr fatty. You know the one where you decide to go ahead and finish the IUI cycles so you can move on with your life. As it turns out I may not be the only one who has lost the faith for the almighty IUI. To be honest it seems to work for most (if it is going to at all) within the first two cycles. Well we failed both so basicly we are ready to accept our fate and move on if needed. We currently have enough for 1 ivf and two fet saved so now we are just going to sit back and let this journey take us where it may. We even had the "what if ivf doesn't work for us" talk. Yeah that was hard.

See I must explain that mr fattys oldest brother (he comes from a family of 13 kids) has never had kids. No known reason it has just never happened. Mr fatty is now wondering if that will be his life story too. It terrifies him, but not to the point of using donor egg or semen if we find a bump in the road later on. Yes, you heard me. The man who is willing to donate semen, and donate embryos if we do ever achieve our goal is against me using them. Well how am I supposed to feel about that? I believe it is just the fear talking and that if we were ever really faced with that decision that he would decide differently.

Woooooooooah I went totally off topic. So, the point is we are just going to haul ass through these iuis so I can move on. I feel like I'm stuck on a merry-go-round. I would just like to vomit and get off.

Smooches

Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, what does a girl on a break do?

She

*packs again.....mr fatty is taking me to california for the weekend!

*freaks out about flying

*decideds to take soy instead of clomid

*eats her own weight in frozen poptarts...strawberry

*schedules cd 11 wanding

*paints nails

*has a quick yet efficient panic attack about flying

*clips some flowers from the garden to bring in to share with you

My garden is doing very well this year. I am over run with giant zuchinni and veggies of the sort. My flowers are big and bright. Apparently I can grow everything except a human. Okay I'm going to finish packing. Have a good weekend everyone

Shallow

You know reatail therapy is a wonderful thing. I bought some fantastic new linens and pillows. I know it may be shallow but it made me feel worlds better. I also got a few tops and the biggest box of mint cookies I could find. But really what made me feel better was the go carts. We took 2 of my nephews and 3 of my nieces with us to the family fun center and spent the day playing lazer tag, go carts, mini golf, and bumper boats. I have the worlds worst sunburn right now, but it was totally worth it. If anyone is wondering I was top shooter every time we played lazer tag!

I know we have only done two IUI cycles but I call fowl. I'm taking August off. No meds no charting. I felt CRAZY this month. Like ready to run away and go live in a tent in the desert crazy. We want to go camping, rafting, and to a oyster and wine festival and I don't feel like worrying about anything right now so I declare august a stress free zone.

The one where hope takes a 500 lb shit on me

**I hate blogger so much right now I can't even verbalize it. I have been unable to comment or really sign in because the stupid pages keep refreshing. Also I lost my gmail password so if anyone has emailed me I'm not ignoring you on purpose, I'm just an idiot. **

OKAY, so here I sit, 10 dpo. My progesterone was lovely a lovely 30 @ 7dpo. I have not started spotting yet. My breast hurt, I feel like spewing at any moment, and I have been having a seriously sensitive nose. So I get up and poas this morning and I am greeted by the most negative test I have ever seen. Not even an evap. Shit. For some reason I thought this was it. Good egg, good timing, good count. What could go wrong right? I think I need some retail therapy.

Get out your umbrellas

Well it seems that it is that time of year again. The summer flowers are blooming, the smell of charcoal hangs heavy in the air, and a whole shittin rain storm of bfps is a coming our way. I can't really talk. I was part of the october flood, but still it sucks. It would feel a bit better if we could get an even share over here in infertile ville but it seems to rain mostly on those who have been trying for two months (gasp) or who weren't even really trying. For people who have dealt with infertility I feel no bitterness. I do feel a LOT of bitterness towards people who seem to procreate without even trying. There I admitted it. Yeah, you the girl in safeway today who had 3 under the age of 5.....I hate you. Its not a personal thing I just want to sneak into your house at night and steal an ovary. Okay maybe use the uterus for 9 months or so. I promise to return it when I'm done. I'm just feeling a bit crazy now. Every where I turn there are either huge bellies in my face or someone smiling saying "you'll never guess our good news!". Oh but I can guess. I know, I can sense it like some kind of stupid sixth sense.

So how does one get through monsoon season without permanently losing ones mind? I believe it is a find mixture of rum and cocke (not in the tww of course) and driving mr fatty insane. I am so good at the last one its almost too easy now. To try and take the load off of mr fatty I am going to start exercising again. I'm not supposed to do anything too strenuous past 5dpo since it makes me spot. Apparently my vagina hates exercise too....but I figure anything up till then and then walking after 5do would be fine. I have no intention on asking dr M if this is okay I'm just going to do it. My pants are getting tight so that over rules anything and everything. Also I am using the progest again, which seems to help with the spotting even though my progesterone levels are high almost every time I get them checked, so there.

Tomorrow is errand day and I am dreading it with a passion. OH speaking of things (even though this really has nothing to do with errands) mr fatty and I are sharing dreams. We both had dreams about snow the day of the iui and then last night cashews. Hmmmmm. Odd isn't it? I looked up dream meanings and it gave the usuall useless info it could be good or bad blah blah blah. All I know is that my dream was beatiful and I just felt so peaceful.

Now where was I? Oh yes, errands. So tomorrow on my huge list of things to do is finally buying my young niece a baby gift. She had the baby before we left for vacation and we have yet to go see her. It seems like passing my edd quieted things in my brain a bit and now I feel like I can go. It was hard since she was so close to my due date but now I am happy for her. Envious, but happy. I wouldn't wish our situation on anyone.

I also plan on making a few changes to the site and adding some linkage and such. I really have no idea why I'm babbeling on like this. Maybe it is the wine, the tiredness, the fact that thanks to half a pain pill (don't worry no Nsaids) my shoulder is not screaming, or maybe I'm just running my mouth here so mr fatty can have a bit of a break. Did I mention that after his sample the other day he was so tired he feel asleep on the little couch? And not a lite sleep, we are talking deep woods bear type snoring sleep. I love him so much for that very reason. Who couldn't?

What is tmi anyway?

Okay now that I've got a bit of pain meds in my system its time to write about IUI #2! Apparently I strained not one but two muscle groups so yeah..I'm talented. Anyway back to the iui.

I got my suprisingly early +opk on monday which kind of horrified me since we had quite the love fest twice on sunday but I went ahead and made the appointment for tuesday. This time Mr.fatty (lets call him mf) wanted me in the room with him during his uhhhhh deposit time. So being the helpful wife I am I adorned myself with my best lingerie under my dress that morning. Good thing I did. For the first time he was nervous....really nervous. But what I think is funny was him telling me to lift my dress and bend over. May be odd but it worked people! Even after we almost had accidental penetration (please don't ask) he gave his best sample ever and went from 30 million to 47 million and the motility even went up! Even better the lab tech showed us his little army of penetrators and he was amazed to see them. I guess even though he has been having good results he still never really believed it because he hadn't seen it. Now he feels confident in their ability.

On my side the iui was painless and went well. Apparently my mucus looked a bit better this month, but there wasn't much of it at all. I feel like I ovulated about 5 hours later so I think th timing was pretty good. I hate to say it but I'm hopeful. Yep, I know I am setting myself up for disappointment but this month I'm okay with that. I say that now but in two weeks I'll probably be crying into a bottle of wine.

Has anyone been having issues with blogger lately? I swear its hard for me to even login because it keeps refreshing. Then the damn autosave keeps losing my post. I might have to just fork over some cash and buy my own site. Andyone know anything about that?

Lucky

Thank you all for the well wishes. It dawned on me today that I don't have anything lucky. Some have lucky rings, socks, or animals and I've got....well a bunch of nada. Mr. fatty who does believe in luck took me to a stone cutter so I could rub his giant buddah until I find a source of luck on my own. So that leads me to ask...what makes something lucky?

Speaking of which Mr. Fatty has a good feeling about tomorrow too. So I just want to throw this prayer out to the gods of fertility whoever they might be..please let this be our time..please.

woot

Tomorrow is IUI #2 and I'm excited. A little weirded out by an early surge, but happy. Oh and I hurt the crap out of my shoulder. Will update tomorrow.

Mr fatty has made it clear that I have issues with making up my mind and clearly stating what I want. Maybe it was the tequila last night, but my list of wants became amazingly clear...

I want

*cheese nips...mass quantities
*to be able to live my life without these two week rollercoasters
*to be able to buy pads without crying*to feel like a woman again*to make my husband a father
*peace of mind
*my life to stop revolving around something I apparently have little to no control over
*a maid. Seriously.
*to be able to jump back in the workforce quickly
*my dahlias to quit opening towards the neighbors house
*a very strong drink


But mostly today I want

*to know what our baby would have looked like...would it have daddies big brown eyes and stick straight hair or my blue eyes and strawberry blonde hair? Would you have loved the smell of grass like I do? What would your first words have been? I want to know WHO you would have been as a person and I'm sad I will never know
*to be able to cry, I feel shitty that today is the day and I have no tears left.

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack

So I guess my post about leaving for my vacation never went threw huh?
Well lets sum up the last two weeks.


I got:

a great tan

mouse ears

scared shitless on countless rides

and of course my period on the 4th of July

Yeah I'm bummed my first IUI didn't work but what can I really do? My edd is tomorrow. I suppose I have some long touchy feely post in me somewhere but right now I'm just feeling a bit numb. I'm off to catch up on everyones blogs.

Oh almighty *one fantastic child mentioned*

We decided to go to themovies tonight and let out a little bit of this pre-vacation stress. Evan almighty is definetly worth the ticket price. Even if you aren't of the god type religions (like us) you will enjoy it. We laughed and snacked and had a good time. On the car ride home things got a bit interesting. My son is seven. I'm completley aware of what a miracle he is even on the days I feel can't get him to clean up his room. So this was our conversation tonight.

son: Mom do you thinks its gross when two women kiss each other
me: No, do you?
son: not really I just think all girls are gross
me: why do you ask
son: my friend has two moms
me: shes very lucky isn't she?
son: how do gay moms have a baby
me: (insert huge sigh here) well there are many ways to have kids. Sometimes it comes easily and others have to work a bit harder. Families come around in different ways but it doesn't make one any better than the other. Gay mommies and daddies can either adopt a child, foster children like auntie chery does, or they can get some help so one of the mommies can carry the baby or maybe a friend of boy couple could help them.
son: are you going to adopt?
me: no honey not right now
son: is someone going to help you have a baby
me: yes honey we are having a hard time, but we have to be patient. Its like working hard for your bike money. It took a lot of time and hard work before you had enough to buy your bike right?
son: yeah, but my bike doesn't poop. hey can we get a cheeseburger?

So we came home and watched mother earths flower shop which you can see here Stirrup Queens movie page. Its the one at the bottom, but they are all worth watching. Go ahead, go watch it, I will wait. He LOVED it.

I know he's just hyperaware of everything at this age. He is still adjusting to the fact that mommy and daddy aren't "normal" in some peoples eyes. I think the fact that we are a mixed family (I'm american and my husband is from SE asia) really helps him understand and accept differences in people and families. As he gets older I'm sure he will ask more questions and we will have that conversation about how mommy was blessed to have him before I met daddy and how daddy opened his heart and adopted him. I will tell him as the time comes, but I know his heart will accept this. I will never tell him his biological father wanted him aborted,and then wanted nothing to do with him when I decided to go against his plans. He never needs to know that someone thought he could be tossed out. All he needs to know is that our family was created in love, even if it wasn't in the "normal way".

Eh

So as I'm reading through the blogs today I couldn't help but notice the rating over at oneliners

and so just for fun I gave mine a run through and it came up

quite a suprise... but you can see what gives you the rating and apparently my use of hell 4x, shitty 3x, abortion 2x and death once makes me totally inapropriate. Well okay. Anything to occupy some time at this point. Boring ass friday. Might go see a movie tonight. Yeah I'm really living life in the fast lane

A bunch of nothing

With all the excitement and nervousness it seems like the aftermath is really boring. I'm not to the point where I can poke boobs and pray for soreness so I sit here bored as hell.

So I kind of skimmed over our appointment the other day but I should elaborate on mr fatty wanting to be a donor right? Okay. While we were at our appointment a lesbian couple came in with the handy dandy tank looking oh so excited. Well as I was coming out the tech was giving them the news that those samples didn't thaw well and that it better to find another donor and try again next cycle. They were devastated. It was just a look that I cannot forget. While we are unfortunate to be in this situation I consider us lucky that we have the basics. It really upset mr fatty too. So over lunch we talked about him being a donor after we had a child of our own. He wants me to carry his first but after that he would like to be a fresh donor for a couple. I could not be happier about his decision.

Uh besides that I love my nurse so much its rediculous. Not only did she let me see the mucus she swiped away ( not the best really ) but I was assured that if we needed to come again she would let me take a peek as mr fattys swimmers in action. I'm excited we got a nurse who is as nerdy about this as I am. Looks like the timing was perfect and there was no need for me to pace a trench the day before.

Does anyone know how to turn this damn autosave off...I'm just so flippin angered by it. It keeps freezing up my post and then they magicly disappear. Ugh.

I almost forgot I googled myself! Heres the list of things google thinks I need
Mrs fatty (not my real name by the way...)
1. to keep her toughness inside
2.to get thyself to a counselor
3. hip surgery
4. a new wig
5. to get her acronyms straight
6. a ride
7. some sleep
8. to admit she looks a mess
9. to be sued
10. a new ride

I can think of a few that apply to me probably starting with the counselor

A few quick notes

I am amazed by all the support. Seriously, thank all of you. I was in severe panic mode but the comments (which I read right before I left) helped calm me down.

So a few quick notes because mr fatty would like me to nap with him before he goes to work, and then I'll do a full post tonight and spread the commenty love around a bit.

It was early and mr fatty was groggy but apparently he have a good sample. We had 30.4 million post wash with 80 % motility and progression of 4. Nurse said that was good so I hope it is. Also his initial volume was higher than his samples in the past so we feel good.

It was easy and painless for me, but the nurse said my cervix was a bit tricky to navigate even though it was open.

Oh and dh is now considering being a donor.....more later I'm off to nap

Commentathon

Looks like its time to put out some punch and kick the clutter under the couch. This is a great idea for people like me because I tend to lurk in the shadows even when I read the blog on a weekly basis. So for this week I'm coming out from under my rock, granted I probably still won't have anything important to say but I will be there. I need to redo my blogroll because it is in desperate need of updating. I will put it on my huge list of things to do.

Speaking of things to do, at the top of my list is not freak out. I got my surge (thank god because the shots scare me) on my own so IUI #1 is tomorrow @ 6:45. Yes its early, but I think the timing is good. I tend to only get + opks with fmu, which is fun, so they think the IUI should be early as hell too. This is what I got this morning while still blury eyed.

Since I only get surges @ the ass crack of dawn they figured getting fertilized at that time would be apropriate too. Fantastic, my only hope is that I'm so tired I won't be nervous. I talked to the dr today and she was trying to calm my nerves, but understands because the last time I had anything in my cervix was my hsg and that did not go over well.

I'm off to spread some commenty love.

2 days

This fathers day was supposed to be different. I was supposed to be ready to deliver, and my husband would have had the best fathers day ever. Last night we listened to my niece as she told the room she was beginning to dialate so it would be any day now. I could see how sad that announcement made my husband. Instead of getting ready for a baby we were both staring and squinting at my opk this morning to see if it was positive, which it is dangerously close....we are on full egg alert now.


Today is still a day for celebration. Even though my husband is not the biological father to my son their bond could not be stronger. In my eyes he is already the greatest father on earth. Also I believe that the willingness to be a father and coming along on this roller coaster ride of fertility is reason enough to show our other halfs some extra love and joy today.


Well it looks like the IUI will most likely take place tuesday morning. Mr fatty is downing fluids and stretching like he is getting ready for the olympics. I'm scared to be hopeful, but then again I'm scared of being let down agaian. I'm just a bundle of nerves with a huge case of heartburn. Ack....two more days.


OH and as a note Mr.fatty indulged me and bought me a new cell phone complete with camera phone! Let the sending of opk pictures begin...hahaha

Cd 11

I'm under the impression that the most boring day of any cycle is cd 11. Nothing going on......which is making me a bit crazy because all I can think about is that damn IUI. Tick tock...

Damn horse

I'll admit I am a bit cocky about my lack of side effects on femara. That is all over..I am now experiencing

*obnoxious breast pain
*a very strong gag reflex
*headaches from hell
*hotflashes...seriously it feels like I'm sitting in a car with the windows up wearing sweats when its about 110 degrees outside
*mooooooooooooooooooooooodiness
*my ovaries feel like over inflated balloons
and my favorite
*gas

I will never brag about not having side effects again....little yellow pills you've won for now

We are not alone

Last night while in the midst of a very exciting little league game one of the mothers brought up that she had a miscarriage last year. Out of 10 moms 8 had a loss and 4 had delt with infertility of some sort. Its an unfortunate thing to have in common but I no longer feel like an outsider. I cannot thank the women enough for being so honest last night. It made me feel human again.

Ack

Well I went to my appointment today and I feel both excited and depressed. What a combo huh?

Our insurance covers a total of 6 IUIs. Yep, thats it. So our plan is to see what happens. It sounds weird but I do believe it is the best option. Since my eggs seem to explode like cannons any time I take my eyes off them its best just to wait it out. So this cycle we are staying with the femara. If we cannot pinpoint with lab test when O is going to occur then we will talk about different meds. Apparently it can be eaiser to control with injectibles. Ack. Anyone who knows me knows I would rather arm wrestle a bear then get a shot. This should be interesting.

One other thing we did cover is that if we fall into the unfortunate group that doesn't become pregnant from IUI then we will be referred out for IVF. We have ZERO coverage for that but my dr said he would run any testing we need prior to moving clinics so that we did not have to incur any out of pocket payment that wasn't necessary. Yeah, my stomach just rolled when he brought up that possibility but I know it is there. Its a scary thing because I feel like I've just started a train I cannot stop. I'm excited because I feel like this could work, but I'm depressed because I'm scared I will fail my husband again. Too much to think about at the moment so the plan to take it a month at a time is just fine with me.

My son has overheard some discussions we have had and has put two and two together and has figured out we are trying for a baby. At 7 he is one smart boy. He is also lonely and wants nothing more than a sibling. I told him we are going to try, but that sometimes no matter how bad you try you just don't end up with what you planned on. The emotional aspect of secondary infertility on the first child is amazing. We are really the only couple we know with only one child. He longs for another child in this house just as much as my husband and I do. Speaking of which I think it is an interesting dynamic because he has primary infertility and I am dealing with secondary. Between the three of us I think we have it all covered.

On a more personal note I am having cramps from hell. To the point of making me feel sick.
So back onto a better diet I go. I feel better when I avoid red meat and dairy so thats what its going to be. My cramps are worse when I have dairy too. That didn't stop me from having an emergency ben and jerry's cone after the appointment today, but I think the cramping I'm having now is enough of a reminder. Must resist sweet, delicious, cool, creamy ice cream. I also know that it can't hurt egg quality to take better care of myself.

I just want this to work. Scratch that I need this to work.

I found out yesterday that some friends we haven't heard from in a while were having a hard time. Apparently she lost her job, then he lost his job, then he started seeing someone else. Yeah. It just sucked to see all that because I thought they were good together. It just makes me realize how lucky I am sometimes. Don't get me wrong, for all the bitching I do I am well aware of how blessed I am. There is not a day that goes by that I don't thank the cosmos for all I have.

Reason number 969,573,845

I know I've stated before that I really love my husband. Let me add one more reason to that list.

This weekend was the family shower. The one for my niece that is due just days from my edd. There has been a parade of baby showers for her and this was the final and big blowout. People came from out of state, and it was just a huge bonanza. So what does this have to do with my husband? He didn't even tell me about it, instead he wisked me out to the woods to camp in my favorite spot. We built huge fires, floated around in the river, watched the deer, got eaten alive by bugs and played one twisted game of kickball. It was fantastic. A great form of therapy if you will. Mr fatty didn't say a word, just made sure I was content in my own little world.
It wasn't until the last night when we were sitting on the playground that I remembered. I was a bit sad and we talked about how we got here and what we thought the future held for us. I'm all teared up as I sit here because I know that he would do anything to make me happy. Even on days I just want to strangle him I know that I am so luck to have him.

Now that our camping trip is over and I'm back to reality I'm afraid of feeling like a fat ass on our trip. Yeah yeah I know, I'm not morbidly obese anymore but my inner fat girl just isn't getting that message. She is FREAKING out right now. Like cookie dough ripping hair out by the root freaking out.

I just realized I forgot deoderant because I raised my arm and almost passed out. Yeah, I'm having that kind of day. My big appointment is tomorrow to find out the game plan for this month. We'll see what they come up with.

I hate blogger

I swear I have not been slacking. I now officially hate blogger. It has been signing me out every time it auto saves, and for the life of me I can't figure out how to turn it off. So I typed this up in notepad and hopefully copy and paste will work.


I had such high hopes for this cycle, and I guess I shouldn't give up since its not over yet but I feel defeated. The ONLY positive opk I got was at 4 am. Its a really good thing I seduced mr fatty because by the time I got to the clinic the next day you could see that I had popped two follies. Yes two! I'm really frustrated by how difficult this is. I think we are monitoring lh by blood next cycle, but I won't know until I see him in a few days.


We took a few days off and had a fabulous time at the coast. I just sat in the sand and watched the sea lions watch me while mr fatty and fatty junior were building great forts out of driftwood. I love those times we can just get away and be with each other. Its harder and harder to come by now but we try to make it happen often. Speaking of which only 1 month until vacation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I have lots of stuff stored in my head up hear for a big post but I feel a bit sick from eating way too many cookies. I will have to catch up in a bit. Baby moxie I seen you tagged me but I'm afraid I'm really behind on it! I'm off to read up on everyones blogs.

On your mark, get set, GO

So heres the plan. Nurses are still deathly sick. So dr. M has decided to step in and do it himself. Of course that comes with a 60% risk of him being called out to deliver a baby or something of the sort but at this point I will take it. So mr. fatty is currently holding his swimmers at bay and I officially started my grand expirement. Obsession here we go!

I started yesterday so

CD 11....negative opk @ midnight
CD 12.....negative opk @ 1 pm
cervical mucus stretchy and almost clear-ph of 6--slight ferning
saliva ferning about half

When I said I was going to obsess I wasn't kidding. Since we aren't having sex I can do all my testing un obscured. Its a really good thing I don't have a digital camera. Although I am tempted to take pics on regular film. I pity the poor developer that gets that roll. Okay off to the ballpark.

No joke

So last month was going to be IUI cycle 1. I popped out my egg unusually early and with only a few hours notice so it was a no go. Thats fine. I never expected this to be easy. Since today is cd 11 I called the lovely dr to set up however we were going to work it out this month. Imagine my suprise to hear everyone is sick. We are talking a serious flu issue. So here is where we stand. I can wait and see what happens first, my egg or them getting better. OR I can go to a different clinic. I refuse to let someone who is not trained in things hoo-ha related near my junk. I've got enough problems already and the last thing I need is someone in there tinkering around. So...I'm not sure what to do with this. Mr. fatty is taking this as some huge sign not to go forward at this moment. I think this is just another show of my tendency to have bad luck. In either case I guess I should go buy some opks.

I should take up the offer to be the guinea pig. A few women I know have always wondered wich ovulation detection method works best. I do have a montior and a saliva scope and could get some opks. Hmmmmmmmmmm. Might be time to dust those things off and get obsessive. Even thinking about it seems like too much work. Tennis sounds like more fun.

HA! Speaking of tennis have I mentioned the fact that I play like crap. But I just love to go out there and swing my racket at thin air anyway. Everyonce in a while I actually make contact with the ball but I must admit most of the time it is by accident. That sounds good right now, I think I shall go make a fool of myself.

I had a long blabbering post all ready to go on mothers day. Then I happened to read a few blogs and see how everyone elses mothers day was going. While infertility has been hard I do have a child. It humbled me when I thought of all the pain that must be associated with that holiday and I immediately stuck my foot in my mouth. I hope and pray that all of you know the joy of a hand drawn mothers day card. I love my son so profoundly and I think its a love we should all have the privledge of knowing.

But I'm still sad. I should have been pregnant on mothers day. Huge and round and picking out a crib. The closer my edd gets the crazier I get. To be honest its still hurts as much as it did then. I SHOULD be worrying about stretch marks and breast pumps. Instead I'm looking down an empty bottle of femara and wondering if my ovaries are going to try and slip an egg past me again. I'm also trying to figure out how to honor my edd. I know I cannot change it, but it still seems weird not to honor something that was alive even if it was only for a small time. Its a hard spot to be in and now I understand. I had friend who had experienced miscarriage and never fully knew what she was feeling. I wondered why she couldn't move on. But now that I'm in this place of hope and sorrow I know. It can be a shitty universe can't it?

So me and mr fatty started saving for ivf once we figured out it might not be as easy as well, having sex. I think I went over this before but I'm still unsure. We have enough for ivf and then some but how much are fets? Assuming we cannot get into a shared risk program we want to have it all up front so there are no suprises and no snags. I need a calculator and some serious help here. I guess I could call and ask. I will add that to my list of things to do tomorrow. Talk about a phone call I thought I would never make. . . .

Heavy minded

I have to ask. Do you believe everything happens for a reason? Absolutely everything? I have something eating away at the back of my brain I just can't let go of. I think I should give a bit of background because I don't speak of K very often. K is the "biological" father of my son. We were in a shitty relationship and I was stupid because I assumed since I wasn't having a period I couldn't get pregnant. Yeah. After I discovered I was pregnant K decided an abortion was in his best interest. I just couldn't do it. Of course I was young and didn't really have a support system but I just couldn't imagine stopping a heart that was beating inside of me. I refused and so he went away. I was alone during my pregnancy and birth. A single parent just barely in my twenties, scared and lonely. I worked hard (most days 10+ hours) at a job I hated but I did what I had to do. Then one day I got a call from K. Out of the blue. He met my son and then decided that parenthood was not his thing and decided to surrender his parental rights. I met my husband, my boss at said hated job and we got married and started trying to have children after about 9 months. We all know how well that has worked out, but back to the point. Out of all the miles of land on this great earth where do you think K ended up? OH YES, a mere walking distance from my house. When we run into each other basicly nothing is said and we just go on about our lives. It had been a year or so since I had run into him until yesterday. He was buying a mothers day card for his wife. Thats a cruel blow. There is a long history between us and I can say most of it is not good. I know for a fact that I am not the only woman he had the abortion talk with. I do know I'm also the only one that didn't go through with it. What struck me yesterday is how sad I am for the women that believed in his lies, and gave him the trust I refused to. After all that talking in circles lemme get to the point. Why do I keep running into this man at the worst possible times. Seriously. I'm in target bleeding away and here is mr ex buying a mothers day card for the mother of his children.

If anything good came out of that I realised how lucky I am to have my husband who loves me pms fueled rages and all. I know he does his best and loves me with all his heart. Its not easy to see every day in the middles of the why can't you pick up your socks conversations but I know we are unbreakable. Maybe K's purpose of popping up in my life is to make me gratefull for all I have. I cannot imagine my life without my son. I would be empty without his joy. A true miracle.

I have a tiny bit of a confession to make. I think that our problem in the conception area might be related to my husbands low volume. He has a great count arould 200 mil/ml, fantastic progression 4+, and an average morph of 50%, but the volume is consistantly around 1.5. This is after no activity for 3 days. Add into that my crappy mucus and we may have the reason. I have to say he is being a trooper and taking his vitamins and trying only to have a beer or so on sundays during golf. Could low volume really be the reason? If so will iui be the answer for us? I have to admit after reading several blogs about iui I'm not really the optomistic. Am I setting us up for failure? Is this just a hump to get over on the way to ivf. I've searched and googled low volume to death and never seem to come up with much. There is nothing wrong, all his plumbing has been checked so I don't know what to do. Is this male factor? I have so many questions for dr. m at the first scan it is crazy. I can't keep my mind still right now. I just don't want to go through all the motions of iui if there isn't much hope.

Okay I think I need to go to the gym and run mindlessly.

Cd1

I don't think that needs more of an explination. Two negative test followed swiftly by my damn period. I guess I should be glad that I didn't spot this cycle and that ovulation didn't leave me doubled in pain but still its a shitty thing to wake up to your period. So game plan this month is femara, possible trigger, and hpoefully we can go ahead with the iui. Hopefully the use of monitoring will prevent any sneaky ovulation like we had last month.

I'm still upset though, and right now I'm finding comfort in bagels. Oh yeah, thats going to help my dress quest.

Deadline

Crap crap crap. The end of June is so close now I can actually feel it breathing down my neck. Yes it may seem far off but it is coming hard like a freight train and there is nothing I can do to stop it. So whats the big deal? The dress. I think we have all had this issue right? I prefer to wear strapless dresses but due to my lack of execise lately I know I would have the dreaded back fat right now. So whats the plan? Walking/running 3x a week and strength training 2x week. Sounds easy but doing it sucks. Today I broke out my dusty weights and after a 20 minute session I am amazed I can still move my fingers. Its stupid I know, but you have to remember that at least half of the guest there will be asian. Half of those will be wearing dressed smaller than a size 6. I know I know, I shouldn't compare myself to those women but who wouldn't when you are surrounded by them. Add to the fact most of them have a gaggle of kids and its enough to make me vomit.

Today for my walking I'm going to walk to pick my son up from school and considering how windy it is outside it will be quite a feat. Tomorrow I will be sore and bitchy but hopefully it will be worth it.

On the tww situation there is nothing going on. No dramatic boob changes or soreness, no food aversions. Nothing. Thats okay, it makes it easier to justify my morning coffee. I was thinking I should kind of give a brief over view for people new to my bloglett.

Number of years trying: 6
Number of years with cycles that were long and possibly had no ovulation: 3.5
Number of clomid cycles: 5
Number that I ovulated on: 1
Pounds lost: Somewhere between 80 and 90 (it was almost 90 but I backslid)
Years with regular cycles and no pregnancy: 1.2
Cycles on femara: Uh, I have to check my chart, will get back to you. I ovulated on all and got pregnant on the second. Now I am in my 6th cycle post miscarriage, two of those being breaks.
Husbands semen analysis: Pretty good overall. Nice numbers but I have to say the volume seems a bit low to me. Dr was really unworried about it. Will look it up later.

I have one son from a previous relationship and me and my husband are batting zero here. He doesn't have any children and turned 40 this month so his clock is ticking away.

Thats a pretty basic summary. Makes me giggle because the first time my husband and I had sex he was TERRIFIED I would get pregnant even with a condom. wooooo thats a good joke.

Other things about me is I love outdoors. Camping, hiking, rafting, I love it all. Spiders I could totally live without. My husband is asian. No he's not short, skinny, or have a small penis. I like to do nerdly things like read. I like to lurk at blogs because I often feel other people say what I would have said...only better. I like hot showers and attempting to knit. I think thats it.

Damn it

I had everything all worked out. Felt fantastic. I was going to use opks this round so that I could prove to my dr that we could do iui by opks instead of monitoring/triggering. The day started as usual. I had some ewcm in the morning and tested almost stark white with my handy dandy opk. During the day I had a bit of cramping and such but nothing unexpected. Later that night, probably about 11, I took another opk (I admit that I am obsessive, but its a good thing I am). Blaring positive even with really diluted pee. Woooooo. Eh. Temped at 7 am the next day and had a FULL degree temp jump.....shit.

Yes I ovulated within 8 hours of a + opk. Thank you ovaries for proving that I cannot count on you. Two days early and with extreme short notice. Nice, I never seen that one coming. Of course we had the obligatory intercourse when I go the positive but this means that our iui will have to be monitored. I know thats not really a bad thing but I was hoping we wouldn't have to.

Besides that all is well in the fatty household. I have lost 7 lbs and so my pants are starting to fit again but I'm still a long way from looking good at my friends wedding. I need to exercise, but I really just don't want to.

Two

Even though I swore I wouldn't I still find myself living my life in segments. There is the dreaded crampy, bleeding, bitchy segment quickly followed by the hopeful segment, followed by the I"m not going to obsess segment. Next comes total obsession. Dreams about positive opks, and mucus in the sink seem to take up a large part of this segment. After that it is just a long ass wait. A wait I'm tired of doing but given that my only other option is giving up I think I will be doing a lot more waiting. So what makes me think of all this? Well its cd 13 and my good friend ewcm is here and this time some spotting decided to join. I know this is supposed to be fantastic and a good sign of fertility but for me its some kind of cruel joke and just the hump before that long ass wait.

Did I fail to mention the femara makes me UBER cranky? Pffffffffffft. How it last all cycle long when it leaves the system so quickly is a mystery to me. My husband (who I still need a nickname for) is taking us to dinner tonight so I won't be so stressed. I'm just sitting right on the fence right now and I think I got a plank of wood straight up the rear.

Time goes by

After all these years I still love you more and more everyday. Happy anniversary honey.

Okay mushy stuff over ....

turtle style

My husband had what he calls a brilliant idea when we were at the beach. Apparently he wants me to dig a hole and lay a bunch of eggs turtle style and see what happens. Now I know he was just joking to make me feel better, but I'm kind of ashamed that I thought it couldn't hurt to try. I wonder if animals who face infertility feel inferior too. Do the other turtles flaunt all their babies? Well I do know one thing is that an infertile turtle has never had to go into target only to be surrounded by huge pregnant women. I do know how that feels. I went for shoes. Just shoes. I am not kidding when I say that within a few minutes I had SIX hugely pregnant women around me. To make matters worse many had other children tagging along behind them. I have to fight the overwhelming urge to grab one of those kids and just walk off. I never would, I'm just saying that sometimes a cute little girl in patent leather shoes does weird things to someone who has wanted a baby for so long.

Since my son is seven and kind of knows how babies are made and where said babies come from he has taken it upon himself to ask at least twice a week when he will have a sibling. Direct stab to the heart. What am I supposed to say.

So on the diet thing I kept track of what I ate yesterday and no wonder I have put on a few lbs. I ate almost twice as much as I used to. Damn diets. I still take pride in going from 240 to 153 but I feel really bad about back sliding a bit. I'm sure its about 10lbs I've piled back on. Goodbye sweet friend icecream, I will miss you....

Fessing up

I'm pretty sure I've put some weight back on. As a matter of fact I have never been as sure of anything in my life. My pants no longer want to fit my body and as much as I would like to say they must have shrunk in the wash I know they didn't. Add into that the fact that pcos and diet has a lot to do with egg quality and it has motivated me once again to get my ass in gear. I'm tracking with fitday and I'm rather embarassed to say I've had 1600 calories so far and its only 1:31 in the afternoon. And today I haven't eaten as much as I have been lately. I suck.



I can blame it on the fact that I have been in a mild depression since the miscarriage because that is true, but still just an excuse. I know that shoveling down mass amounts of sugar is not going to help the cause, if anything it will make it worse. Being as we are all lined up for iui I think I need to really redo my eating habits right away. I feel like an idiot because all I was doing was making it harder for myself. Add into that my nonexistant exercise routine and its easy to see how I backslid. I'm not going to use a scale or anything, I'll just be happy when my pants fit again.

I should at some point come up with a name for my other half so I can just stop refering to him as husband, but for now it will do. Anyway the husband and I had a talk last night about our willingness to move forward and what it really ment for us. Oh yes, it was plan making time. I needed a solid comitment in order for all the little voices in my head to stop screaming and feel confident in what we are about to take under. We looked at the financial part of it and once our hearts started beating again we decided this is in fact a road we do want to do. So here is our plan.



This month will probably be a cycle with just the femara because I will not be in town around O date and that would make iui very difficult, also I really want to get my body back in order

Next 5-6 cycles iui with dr. mik

If we aren't successful we plan on moving on to ivf next summer (this is the part of the finances that gave us heart attacks)



We've looked everything over and think its a good plan. We have insurance that covers most of the iui expenses but for ivf we would be on our own. I've heard of shared risk programs and will look into them when the time is ready. So for now I will just plug away, but knowing that my husband is as commited to this as I am makes me feel a lot better.


My sons fish died yesterday. I felt awful having to tell him but once the tears dried we replaced said fish and all seems to be better. I really hate these damn fish but they were a gift so there they sit in the tank in the living room watching me with those creepy bubble eyes all day. Ugh

wait

I was going to blog last week because I know this must be on the top of everyones to ready list (I'm sure you can also see the giant eyeroll that slipped out as I typed that) but had to wait because my loving husband wisked us away to the beach for a bit. I was finally able to relax. I shopped a bit at the outlets, ate food I usually shy away from, took the longest hottest baths in history, slept alone all spread out like a starfish on a rock, and most importantly I think I achieved my goal of digging the worlds biggest hole. Giggle if you will but we comfortably fit four people underground. Yeah it was that big. After we added some logs as a roof and my sons sweatpants as a flag I was just amazed at our creation. Add to it a campfire and some clam chowder and you can see how I was in heaven. I cannot wait to go back and do it again in August. I feel revived and refreshed. Ahhhhhhhhh, it probably won't last long though.


Speaking of spouses mine turns fourty on the fourth. I've planned an evening full of sushi and gallons of sake so all should go well. I'm having a hard time deciding on a gift. Usually I just end up getting something, but 40 is a milestone and I want my gift to be good. Scratch that, I want my gift to be the best. Ties and such are no good because he is buying a new suit before our friends wedding in June. Watches he breaks every god damn year. He has all the sporting stuff he could ever dream of and so that leave me here banging my head against my monitor because I know time is almost up. I'm sure it will come to me, but I just hope it hurries.


On the garden front I have almost everything either in the ground or in the little green house things getting started. So now I just have to wait for it all to bloom. It seems like I'm always waiting for something....

My sons spring break is over on monday and I have to admit I will miss having him around. We went and seen that ever so popular turtle movie the other day and it was nice for it to just be the two of us. I love my son and thats why we haven't told him we are trying for another. I don't want him to see my desire to be a mom again as him not being good enough. Even with all the stubborness and grossness (he is a nose picker) I could not ask for a more wonderful child.

Coming out

I am convinced that somewhere deep down inside I'm really a gay man. Maybe that explains my lack of pregnancy..... I mean I really think I qualify. Love of tacky shoes .... check, having bravo and all its wonderful shows like project run way and top design being the most viewed things on my tv... check, weird obsession with seasonal hats, check... I could go on forever. The one thing that seperates me from the herd of gay men has to be my love of dirt.

My computer is a douche bag

No seriously it is. I am ready to throw this damn thing out the window but then I would have nothing to do so its really a love hate situation. The rain is back today and it looks like my period is starting so this day could be better. I'm actually listening to doctors advice and taking a rest cycle or two to detox my body so I can try again. This femara gives me the worst acne and even though it has extended my luteal phase I still start spotting when I would have started my period anyway. BUT I can say the progesterone has made me feel better and much to my husbands relief made my pms vanish.

Not much else to do but go have a last candy bar

Is this thing still on?

Ahhhhhhhhhhh the smell of spring. Almost makes me forget I've done nothing but wallow in anger and frustration the last few months. I feel renewed but there is really no telling how long that will last. So for now I am turning my attention to my yard and wondering what changes I should make this year. I'm thinking of adding blueberries because the ones I buy at the store are always sour and it makes me want to slap the produce people. Mhm, I think it will be blueberries. I'm still waiting for my beloved pear tree to actually provide some fruit so heres to hoping this is the year.

I just haven't had much to blog about lately. I have been the victim of the worlds largest and longest brain fart. I had my focus last week but it was thrown out of the window when we decided to go on vacation in june. I know it seems far away but at this point I am desperate to go anywhere so now my head is swimming with ways to get rid of this last 15 lbs before we go.

On the entire shitty uterus stubborn ovaries thing I am on a break for my own mental health right now. I'm tempted to try something on my own and forget to mention it to my dr but we'll see what happens.