A club I never wanted to be part of

Right after the last post I found out I was pregnant. Happiest moment of my life. Now it appears I am going to miscarry. I hurt, and now I know how it feels to lose something you wanted so bad.

pomegranite

I must confess I read a ton of infertility blogs. I mean a TON. I've stated before that I rarely comment and that I didn't know why. I lied. I do know. In my head there seems to be this threshold that if I cross the line and actually admit my parts don't work to the masses that I will be cursing myself into never having a baby. Oh I know this is stupid. I'm fully aware that words have no play on my woman parts. But still... My husband is convinced I will feel better if I out myself. Sure. What does he know. No one is looking at his balls with suspicion. But he may be right. I'll finish this later, I'm off to the craft store for some pomegranite thread.

Over the hump

I understand it has been a while since my last update, but I have this issue every year of making the transition between summer and winter. While I love the sunny brisk days of fall they are for some reason unbearable for me. So this year I ate tons of larb and cookies and tried to keep myself busy. I feel I have successfully made it into the end of october and so I will be okay. Nutruring yourself can be the hardest thing to do. In the last few weeks we have been on the go doing one activity or another just trying to out run the blues we knew would follow me. Add into that my first round of femara failed. Its not that I really expected it to be successful because I started to spot 10dpo, its that I had let that evil hag hope take up residence again. This cycle she is locked out. I've cried a lot lately but it felt good to get it all out. We had friends that announced their pregnancy for child number 4 to us recently. To put things into prespective she announced her pregnancy the month we started trying. Also a friend had a baby today. While I am happy I'm also sad so instead of putting on a phoney smile I let it all out and a box of tissue later I can say I honestly ment it when I said I was happy for her.
I have decided this year not to hide. No more trying to make people think I am okay. If this means going to the store at two in the morning to buy pads while crying hystericly so be it. If it means another breakdown like yesterdays when we found ourselves somehow lost in baby depot thats okay. I have come to see these like storm clouds. They come quick and hard, but when they leave I feel refreshed. So if you guys see some crazy lady walking around talking to herself and cursing the fertility gods its probably me.
Now that all of that is out of the way I am completely taken by halloween this year. I took five of my nieces to scream at the beach this weekend and I have to say that there is nothing better in life than watching terrified kids. Okay I'll admit I've lost my voice due to all the screaming too, but it was fun. Now I just have to finish my sons costume. He decided he wanted to be a king and I was disappointed with the costumes we found so I took it upon myself to make him one. Since then the red and white fleece has just been sitting there. Somehow I do my best work when I procrastinate until the last minute. As for my husband he will be an ape as usual. I have an assortment of scary mask I will be using. The best was last night. After we dropped all the girls off we picked up my son and nephew to come home. What they didn't know is that I was in the back of the van with a devil mask on. Halfway down the first block I just sat up and waited for them to notice me. Within seconds they experienced pure terror, fear, and finally anger when they started swatting at me. It was beautiful.

Lost

I'm here, I'm just lost in the throws of a good book. Will update when I'm done : )

Funk

Man I have been in a funk lately that has just been getting deeper at rapid speed. It all started with a day at the park. In order to keep my butt from spreading I ride my bike to pick up my son after school and then we go to the park for about an hour or so. He has been so hesitant to take the training wheels off his bike but I finally talked him into it. Now take into consideration that this was just a few days after his 7th birthday. He hopped on his bike and I let go. Yeah it hurt. It sucked even more because I stood there all teary eyed and he peddled off on his own. It just seems like he learned how to walk. I know that in the blink of an eye he will be driving and leaving for college. I felt so much joy and so much pain all at once. How can this be? He has grown up before my eyes, but it seems like I’m just getting to know him. It made it worse by the fact that he was in tears because he was afraid daddy would not be proud of him. He is so tough and so fragile at the same time. Its an odd feeling when you get to this stage. They are complete people now with thoughts and emotions all their own. Oh sure you can try and change them but good luck. It makes me think of all the time I missed. I had no choice, I was a single mother. What was I supposed to do? We needed food to eat and a safe place to live so I had to work. I am beyond grateful that I met my husband and have been able to stay home since but I often wonder what I missed. Did he have smiles for me and I wasn’t there to see them? Was he disappointed when mommy was to tired from working 12 hours to play? These thoughts break my heart. I try to give him everything he needs now but I often wonder if it is enough. We must have done something right because he is a great person.

Besides that I started a new cycle about two weeks ago. I was timid to start the femara but just went balls to the wall and did it. I am happy to say that I didn’t have any of the side effects I had with clomid. As a matter of fact I have been experiencing the most slobbery stretchy ewcm I have ever had. Oh yeah baby, that’s the good stuff. So now I am just sitting here waiting for this egg to pop out so I can move on with my obsession. I’m not putting to much into this cycle so I’m not too worried about it. Lets move on shall we?
My idea to pick up a hobby to keep me busy was apparently a good idea. I have been knitting like there is no tomorrow. Mostly scarves because if you have ever been to Oregon you know it is cold and damp and crappy 99% of the time. They must be nice because I have a list now of people who want one to call their own. I am currently working on my nephews in an amazing blue that is just so soft you want to roll around naked in it.

As for the blogroll it is under construction for a bit. I have a huge list of blogs I read, but I need to narrow it down. I feel like a small more comfy roll is what I need.

laziness

Theres no reason for my lack of post. A lot is going on, none of them being a pregnancy. Just have lost my blogger mojo. The thoughts are coming back but right now I've got a bigger battle on my hands

Hmmm

I assure you that many bananas were hurt in the making of this post. Finding myself 5 days into the two week wait I of course decided to bake something my hips definitely don't need. I have this recipe for banana bread that a friend gave me that is the next best thing to sex. Yes its that good. And its a one bowl few ingrediants thing so anyone can do it. Its soft and moist and oh so bananaish. Hungry yet? Heres the recipe:
4 ripe bananas smashed to smitherines
1/3 softened butter (unsalted)
1 cup sugar
1 egg
1tsp vanilla
1 tsp baking soda
1/4 tsp salt
1 1/2 cups flour

Begin by mixing the soft butter and bananas together in a bowl. Then add your sugar, egg, vanilla and flour in. Mix them in that order, making sure everything is mixed well before adding the next. Then add the baking soda and salt and mix one last time. Toss it into a loaf pan that is either buttered or sprayed with some of that non stick stuff and put it in a 350 degree oven for 55-65 minutes. I find the cooking time depends on the bananas, so start checking it with a toothpick at 55. And try not to eat the entire thing at once. I baked mine today at 3:30 and it is all gone already. No, I didn't eat it all. I only got one piece before my husband and son finished the pan. Shhhhhhh but don't tell them I plan to make one tomorrow too.

Besides trying to add inches to my waistline I am doing well on my knitting project. I am about half way done with my first scarf. I know its not incredibly fancy but for someone who isn't crafty I think its a huge deal. I'm uber excited because when I'm done with the scarf I have some knifty circular needles to try to make a hat with. I'm sure I will end up un raveling a lot of yarn before I get it right but it is keeping me busy. Actually this 2ww isn't hard because I'm not expecting much. I say that now, but in 5 days I'll probably be pacing a trench in my hallway.

I am stunned by the fact that my son is starting first grade. I still refer to him as my baby and that is getting hard to do since he is now reading the bedtime stories to us instead of us reading to him. I am so proud of the things he has learned, but it just seems like it has all gone to fast. And its one of those "by now" things too. When we took him to preschool I thought that by the end of the year he would have a sibling. Or by the time he started kindegarten. Maybe by the time summer started. I definitly didn't picture having a first grader as an only child. As we went out to dinner the other day we seen this woman smoking, pushing a stroller and yelling at three kids trailing behind her. Its hard not to wonder why she can and I can't. People have asked me before why I don't believe in god. That my friends is why. Its not like I was some big believer anyway. But I find that being infertile and a believer is something that doesn't really fit for me. I'm not saying that god doesn't exist. I'm just saying that in my little world I don't see it. I've also never seen bigfoot, but I've heard he exist too.

The O syndrome

I've heard the horror stories of pms but really I'm not bad around my period. I have the exact opposite. Right before I ovulate I break out and get uber bitchy. I'm not sure why but it sucks. Its hard to have sex when your husband is scared of you. Anyway I have an egg to catch.

Sew damn stupid

Today I took on the task of finally figuring out how to thread my machine. Boring I know, but let me tell you after all the time it took to get it right I feel like I accomplished something big today. Not only that but I made a little pocket. Its now holding my sons poker chips but that is another story all together. Tomorrow I plan on trying to hem something and working my way up. Luckily a friend gave me a basket of big scraps to practice on so I don't feel like a total ass trying to figure stuff out on $6/yard fabric. I have seen some amazing fabrics and can't wait until I can walk in a store and actually pick something out that I won't be making practice pockets out of.

Lately I feel a bit something. I can't really describe it because I cannot find the word to fit it. My son is starting the first grade. We wanted to have a child shortly after he was born so that we could have children close in age. Well that really hasn't worked out for us. I still feel that we need a baby to round out our family. Some people we know are not aware that I was pregnant before my husband and I met. And amazingly enough my son looks more like my husband than he does me. Weird but true people. Not quite sure how it happened but I am happy that its that way. So now we come to the point that my husband is almost 40 and has no biological children. Its not that entire passing on the seed thing, its just that he want to experience having a child. Believe me the urge is strong for me too, but I will admit that his feelings have a large part in this too. The entire thing feels odd to me now. It feels almost automatic to grab opks out from under the sink and pee in cups. Sometimes I forget that this is not how the rest of the world uses the bathroom. But also I feel like a change has happened...I feel, dare I say....lucky. Okay lets not jinx it, moving right along.

My boob feels like it might fall off. No kidding, I'm not making it up. For some reason it is unbearable today. I did my monthly breast exam and didn't feel any different or any sore spots, its just a generalized pain. Having lost an aunt to breast cancer I am a bit worried by breast changes but this is nothing but pain. I think I will give it a day or two and decide what to do from there. Mr fatty is hoping this means my boobs will grow some more. They shrunk a bit from the weightloss but lately have started to feel full again. Like a D is anything small. I swear that man is crazy. At one point I shrunk down to a C and I loved it. Finally I could wear a button up shirt without it gaping open. It was shortlived but I did enjoy it.

Time for me to hit the sack, we have a long day at the lake planned for tomorrow.

The one where I get crafty

Now that I have decided to switch my obsession back over to precreating I also need a way to fill that oh so dreaded two week wait. Ugh, I shiver at the thought. Never is life so cruel as to drag on for two damn weeks leaving your brain to short wire and see every bird dropping as a sure fire sign of pregnancy. So I have decided to try and be crafty. In order to help keep me busy my husband has even bought me a sewing machine. I played around and figured out the bobbin thing, but really I think threading the top may be a bit out of my range. No, I'm totally not kidding. I have dreams of making curtains and hemming pants, but it all my be cut short if I can't stop banging my head on the side of the machine and figure out how to get it going. I am an educated woman but apparently no match for a singer.

I am also signing up for a knitting class. I want to make my own socks. Nerdy as it is, its always been a dream of mine. Fortunatly here in portland there is a lot of knitting shops that hold classes so I have quite a few to choose from. I just need a patient teacher. Once I figure something out I'm good, but I tend to cause a lot of chaos on the way. I've heard scarfs are easy so that is where I plan to start. Guess what everyone will be getting from me for christmas? Thats right, scarfs that look like a two year old did them.

I went to the dr and got the big fat okay to start femara. Seeing as this is cd8 it will have to wait until next month and I am okay with that. There was no way I was going back to clomid. I would rather pull my own eyes out and eat them. We are hopeful, or maybe just stupid. We haven't figured it out yet.

Present

I'm here, I'm just working on switching the blog over to my new obsession. I'll have it done today.

Almost updated

Prepare yourselves everyone this blog will probably go back to being all about my "womanly parts" again soon as I dive back into trying to get knocked up. I know its romantic isn't it? I am starting to feel content and so the actual trying to lose weight is going to stop. I'll be fine in my size 12s.

But until the next cycle starts you will just have to listen to me bitch and moan about the weeds popping up in my garden and stare at vacation photos. Those are coming in the next few days. Oooooooo some nice before and afters too.

The final countdown

I know I know I said I wouldn't weigh myself until September, but I did anyway. I jumped on, looked down, got off and tried again. 155. Yes I know that its still a high number but for me its pretty damn good. But then it hit me. I have 10 to go. My husband has asked me to stop when I hit 145, so I am. I'm not quite sure how I will stop since this has become a lifestyle change for me. Perhaps an additional cookie a day? I think he is afraid my boobs will mysteriously fall off or my my hips might become flat. Anyway I feel it is reasonable.

So once again I find myself facing a journey coming to its end. Now wtf will I do. Maybe I will get all crazy about the baby making, but really all I got out of that was heart burn. I have this crazy idea to take up karate. Not really for self defense, but more self entertainment. Knowing me and my clutzy self I will break a hip and dislocate a shoulder during the first class, but I'll probably go for it anyway.

I've had a few people ask my what kind of diet I've been doing so to put it to rest I decided to keep a food log over the weekend and post it on Monday.

Bugger

If I actually kept up with my blog on a daily or even biweekly basis I would be fed up enough to switch to something I had to pay for. But I don't so I probably will be keeping my free stuff loving ass right here. Ahhhhhh. I have tried to blog twice this week only to have both post promptly wonder off into space and land somewhere else. I did the lucky blogger dance before I sat down so here is hoping. Enough about all that jibberish.

As I read was checking up on some of my bloggers I have noticed that people are doing way more interesting things than I am lately. Some have been going to concerts I would give a nipple to go to and others have taken up hobbies or vacations that I often daydream about. So what have I been up to? A whole lot of nothing. I'm like the queen of wasted time right now. My husband has asked me to put off looking for a job until the boy returns to school. That is months away and I'm not sure my sanity will last that long. So I could lie and say I have been keeping busy by bathing homeless people and campaigning for animal rights but I think you would all know it was a lie. My days have been consisting of some bike riding, gardening, maybe a short trip to the market, some really bad day time tv, and putting off a lot of things I know I should be doing. Yep, it seems that I may have a bit of a laziness bug lately. I plan on killing it tomorrow by cleaning out the garage. That hell hole scares me. It is my husbands territory so I tend to leave it alone, but when I am scared to go in and get him that means its time to clean it out.

My fitness plan is going okay. I know I have been eating way too much ice cream lately and I plan on joining some sort of 12 step program soon. I can tell I am still losing by the fact my new shorts are loose already, but I could do better.

Uhhhhh, lets see, what else am I slacking on? Well one thing that is not slacking around here is my womanly parts. Seems funny I take a break from trying to procreate for the summer and now everything falls into place. I stopped all the supplements and crazy voodoo and tada, perfect 28 day cycle. Not only that but no cramps this month. Yeah.

I'm really upset I lost my fourth of July post because I liked it alot. I can sum it up really easily for you.... one of the things fatty loves more than food is freedom. I have been on the other side and can see why sometimes other countries hate america, but I will love this land forever. We had a great 4th over at a friends house with food, beer, and lots of great people. Makes me feel lucky to be me every single year. But now the countdown for the company picnic starts! What could be better than a full blown fair for free?????? Oh yes, my son and I are starting to think about what order we will go on the rides already. Mmmmmmmm gravity and vomit.

Comfort

GOD DAMNIT I JUST SPENT AN HOUR TYPING AND THIS STUPID THING ATE MY POST...shit damn ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Okay now lets see if I can recapture any of that magic. Stupid ass blogger

Aahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh summer. Just the thought makes me smile. Even makes me happy enough to forget how much blogger eats ass sometimes. Anyway, deep breath, moving on. So the other day while I was at the river with my family running around and jumping off of things I had no right to be on I felt something new. I paused and realized I was completely comfortable in this shell I call my body. I looked around and found that I blended right in with the other average looking moms who had a bit of pudge here and there. But that wasn't the important thing. I was happy being me, and it made everything completely worth while.

We camped overnight at the river because we had a few days of over 100 degrees. We have a standing agreement in our family that any day it goes over 99 we get out of town and head for the woods. I was upset when I found that I no longer like smores. Yes I know, how shocking. For those of you who don't know, smores is what used to spark my love for camping. Now I find them a bit sweet and they really just make me want to gag. I did enjoy the camping even without my sweet delight, but I am on the look out for another oh so delicious but not too sweet camping treat. If you have any ideas please let me know. We are going camping in the state sand dunes next week so I am trying to come up with something before then. Last time I went to the dunes was a few years ago and I weezed and dragged my butt up a small dune before I almost passed out. Now I'm in better shape so I am hoping it won't be so tough. Its a two mile hike over the dunes to the ocean so I am going to try and do that.

I forgot what I wrote in my other entry before blogger at it so I guess this is it for now

OH, except thanks for noticing that typo michelle. Too much wine and keyboards do not mix well.