The wind down

I'm at a funny spot right now. And no, I don't mean a comedy club. Although that would be nice right now. I am getting dangerously close to my goal. Less than 20lbs away, which makes me wonder if I have set my goal to high. Should I set it to 145? I think I should wait until I get there and see what happnens. Maybe when I hit 150 I should burn my scale and bury the ashes with the ashes of my fat clothes. Or blowing it up would be quite nice. But truth be told I know myself, and that scale will sit in its spot waiting to be called into action.

Last night my husband and I went out to a fabulous dinner at one of the most romantic spots I know. We dined on indian food and way to much wine. I ate without guilt and enjoyed my dinner and wasn't so preoccupied with the food that I actually had a conversation with my other half. Thats why I love this place. Its not somewhere you take kids, and its small and intimate. As we were talking I asked him how he felt the day I came clean with him. You know, the day I sat him down and said, "honey, you married a fatass. I really weight 240 lbs". He was shocked, not that I weighed that much, but that I had finally said it out loud. See we women think we are smart by lying about our weight, but can I tell you something? Men aren't stupid, they know how much we weigh, they just play along so they don't lose boob privledges. There is a freedom in not hiding anything. But I'm getting off the subject. I'm in a good spot body image wise right now. So lets do a round up huh? Haven't done one since October I think....

So far -72lbs

Measurements
Neck then-16 now-13.5 so that is -2.5 in
Boobs then-51 now-39.75 so thats -11.25 in
Waist then-48 now-37 so thats -11in
Hips then-48.5 now-38.5 so thats -10in
Thigh then-26 now-20 so thats -6in
===========
Total -40.75 inches

Thats a big change when you consider it has happened in under a year. For me I know I started this so I could have a child, but even if I don't get to have another baby I am so glad I did this.

Alone

Tomorrow my husband and I will be all alone. We have been looking forward to it for a while and had all these plans but mother nature has decided to crap on us so now we are just thinking a nice dinner and maybe some wine. Its nice to go out and just be able to sit there and talk. I really love the times we just get to sit and enjoy each others company. Then for some reason I started thinking about Sandy who is over at the pea patch . It must be the hardest thing in the world to be a military wife. Just the not knowing would make me insane. Its not just a commitment from the man who is serving but also his wife and children. When I read some of her post about how she misses him, or things that remind her of him it makes me sad and amazed. I wonder if it is strange to see somene after so long, but yet feel so intimate with them at the same time.

It took me a long time to even learn to like my husband. We aren't exactly what you would call a likely pair, and most people feel free to tell us that. It has been the first time I have ever experienced racism. And yes, I'm white. But when you marry into an asian family, especially s.e. asian you better not be white. Its an odd thing to hear people ask my husband why he married a white girl, why he settled for someone not in his class. The terms white devil and blue eyed ghost are my favorite. But dare I ask the obvious question? If they hate whites so much why did they fight so hard to come to America? Did they expect America to be full of something besides americans?

Wow, I totally went off course. Sushi. I think we will go out for sushi tomorrow.

Titles are for nerds

The last week or so I have been bitching to my husband to take me up to the snow because I needed a break, just get out of the city for a few hours. I wanted snow. So last night at 1:30 the phone starts ringing and my heart races as the worst things in the world run thru my mind. Between the time it took my hand to get to the phone my mind had already imagined robbings and accidents. It was just my husband who told me to come outside he had a gift for me. I went outside and guess what....it was snowing. Yep, in march. That is nuts. But it was beautiful. Guess all the bitching paid off.

I am thinking I need to overhaul this little old blog of mine. Black is fine, and of course it is slimming. Since I have slimmed a bit I am tempted to (gasp) bring some color here. I will play around with it and see how it goes. I can admit all I know about computers is how to turn one on, so I really don't know how to design a template. I need to redo links and list and all sorts of other crap. Since I've got nothing to do today besides bloat I might actually get around to it.

Enlightenment

Today is being brought to you by the number 12. Why you ask? It's not because thats the size jeans I wear now, or anything like that. Its because I have a hatred for the number 12 that runs so deep I dream about it. I am obsessive about my ovaries now and so I chart my temps every damn day of my life. Fun stuff. I know, get to the point. Well 12 days after ovulation I can tell you if we are pregnant or not. You know why? My temps like to do what I call the drop of death. I think it would be funny if it didn't piss me off so much. The herbs seem to be working well because it appears that for once in my life I am actually having a 28 day cycle. Blah.

So last night after looking over my chart I drifted off into what I assumed was going to be a blissful sleep. HA! My dream started out so beautiful. It was summer and I was running outside and I started going up this hill. I could feel the warm air and see all the flowers blooming. I noticed a dark cloud coming at me and so I tried to switch my path, but could only run forward. The clouds got closer and the back corner of it was totally black and detailed. It was a babys face. When it got right above me I heard the crack on the ground before I realized what was happening. I felt the electricity from the lightning surge thru my body. The jolt was so fierce it picked me up and thru me onto the road where a truck with a big red 12 was charging right at me. I don't know if I was hit by the truck because thats where I woke up. But yeah I hate 12s.

Pity

This is the conversation that took place in the fatty house hold this morning...

husband: I opened your closet and theres only one pair of jeans and two shirts in there. What happened to all your clothes?

Me: We burned them remember

husband: So you really have nothing

Me: Kind of looks that way

husband: Okay then, lets take you shopping

Yeah you heard it, my husband OFFERED to take me shopping. So I agreed and after brunch off we went. We went to 6 different stores and spent 5 hours looking for clothes and guess what I got. One pair of pants. It is hard to find pants that fit well if you are under 5'6''. He was a good sport and drank three cups of coffe and two cokes to try to keep up, but in the long run I took him home and finished up alone. I didn't buy much because seasons are fixing to change and I don't want to buy a bunch of winter stuff right before summer. I did however, try on lots of things I plan on grabbing later.

I found out that I'm a 12 now. I have officially cut my starting size in half. That made me do a bit of a happy dance in the dressing room. My husband however is still recovering in his lazy boy with the help of a beer and some sports tv.

Booya

Okay now that I've used about 3000 gallons of lyson and my son has stopped crapping himself we are slowly returning to normal.

I seen a bumper sticker on a car today that said fat is the new black. O k a y . Is a sticker supposed to let us know that she is okay with treating herself like crap. Is it supposed to make us think she is happy? I'm not sure what to think, but I know I was amused by the fact that next to it was a sticker that said don't lie to kids. And she was eating a doughnut while she was driving. So much to say. Haha, lets leave all that alone.

I'm trying not to focus on the fact that I am 8 days past ovulation and my boobs feel like someone ran them over. I refuse to give into the fact that I have a slight hope of being knocked up. I will ignore all signs until I either start to bleed or give birth.

I noticed a disturbing trend lately. It seems that weight loss equals wife loss around here. Every woman I know that has lost a big amount of weight has left their husband. Is it that as large women they settled for anyone who would love them, or in a new body do they feel that they are better and deserve better. I have no desire to leave my husband. He loved me heavy for who I was and now loves the lighter version of me. He understands my hatred of having my hair done and makeup. He has felt the rolls and stayed. How I ask, can you find anyone better than that.

Ugh

Wtf do I live in the middle of germville? After getting done with ear infections, colds and the flu my son went to school okay and came home with strep. Oh, and that spawned another ear infection. Can anyone say yipee?

So I'm strapped for time but I really will update soon. I have all sorts of thoughts roaming around in my head and despretely need to update my blogroll, but for now I've got to play snot wrangler

I feel eggy

So once again it is that magic time in the fatty household. Its the monthly egg hunt. The herbs are working well and for once I am actually ovulating when I should and with all the right things going on so I am one happy little hen. So now I sit wasting time until my husband gets home so we can continue our game of cat and mouse. I was flipping thru the channels when I came accross what we teach teenagers about in sex ed class in school. I was totally unaware that most schools are teaching to abstain and then not giving any information on how to protect oneself. Now granted I did go to highschool in a city setting, but we were taught not only about contraception but practiced how to use condoms and diaphragms. At least I am aware so when the time comes to inform my son I know to stock up on bananas and condoms.

What I do wish we would have learned in sex ed is how the womans body actually works. Not the 28 day cycle they paint pictures of. But how things like advil and cookies can mess up your fertility or how boys lie. Yeah thats what they really should have taught us, but I'll try and stay off that for tonight. I really wish I would have known more because even then my body cycles were weird. If I had known more could I or would I have done more to preserve my fertility. Would I have thought twice about things? Unlikely but I would still have like to have that basic information.

I was fortunate enough to have dodged stds from mr A. I don't know how since he mated with any girl who would spread for him. I still haven't figured out my fascination with him either. Some of my strongest memories are from that time, notice I didn't say fondest. I will forever remember that red jeep pulling into my driveway. It is just etched in my mind. But thankfully I also learned my lesson and remember how he said I was so special and then whored himself around. That is how I learned that boys will lie to get into your pants. Is that something we all learn by being stupid? Anyway now I'm just babbeling. Oooooooh I better shower my husband will be home soon.

present

Okay I'm here. I'm just still recovering from being scared shitless on chattys blog.

Not really. Okay I was almost scared enough to soil myself but that is besides the point. I was the lucky recipiant of a really high fever for a few days so I have been doing pretty much nothing. Today we finally got all our trees and bulbs in the ground. I will post tomorrow, just letting you know I hadn't fallen in a well or anything.

tagged....

I have been tagged by Lukossmom . It amazes me what excellent timing she has because today I had jack to write about.


1. What were you doing 10 years ago
Lets see, that would make me 18. So I was going to college, dating A (which we all know that turned out to be shit) and trying to kick that oh so annoying drug habit.
2. What were you doing 1 year ago
Hahahahahaha I was sitting in my room crying and screaming. I had given up on losing weight or having a baby. It was a bad bad bad day. The day before was great though.
3. 5 snacks you enjoy
Grapes, oranges, mmmmmm chocolate, nuts, trial mix
4. 5 songs you know the lyrics to
Theres a lot of them but I think the ones that stick out the most are Everlong (foofighters), Girlfriend in a coma (smiths), Island in the sun (weezer), Ramona (Sublime), and Purple rain (prince)
5. 5 bad habits
You mean I'm not perfect? Oh okay. Swearing way too much, being disorganized when it comes to anything paper, procrastinating, forgetting appointments, and eating too many sweets.
6. 5 things you like doing
Playing in the dirt, mailing postcards and letters, exercising, camping, and going on vacation
7. 5 things you would never buy, wear, or get again
I wouldn't have gotten my various body parts pierced, spandex, IUD, a honda, or a dell.
8. 5 favorite toys
My husband, computer, camera, bike, and board games.
9. 5 people to tag
I hate tagging people so I'll just tag Jennifer and let the rest of you tag yourselves. Oh my that almost sounded dirty...

Have a heart

Yes my dears that is my valentine to all of you. It's a rather funny holiday isn't it? It was totally made up by money hungry companies, but women being the emotional creatures we are eat it up. We are exchanging cards tomorrow, but are gifts will be here this weekend. What did we get each other? Not jewelry or handcuffs. We got trees. I got a white cherry, my husband an asian pear, and my son a fuji apple. I couldn't think of a greater gift then something I can eat until I die. No, it really is what I wanted. Just like last year for our anniversary I asked for and got tons of plants and bulbs for my garden. Weird I know, but its also great because every time I go outside and see my beautiful yard I am reminded of the two men I love the most.

When we bought this house the yard, like everything else was in horrible shape. After we got the plumbing to stop leaking and the plugs to stop spitting sparks at us I got the grand idea to plant a few flowers. It started out modestly enough with a few dahlias and some sunflower seeds. My husband officially knew I had a problem when he came home from work at 2 am and I was sitting outside with my seeds and dirt still going at it. In the last few years we have established a vegetable garden, planted some trees, and made some nice flower borders. But last summer I took on a bigger task and tore down the ugly ass shed that took up half of our yard. No our yard isn't small, its just that shed was in a horrible spot and half the size of our house. Now that it is gone we have visions of flowers and a flagstone deck area with a big brick bbq and oven. Why all this trouble? Its easy, we spend more time outside than we do in. But besides that I think it keeps me calm on the days that bills are due, things overflow, and kids staining my carpet.

So for us the trees are great and I can already picture myself teaching my grandkids how to pick the cherries at the point right before they get to sweet and start to fall off the tree. Or picture my nieces and nephews running around throwing apples at each other. Sure I love chocolate, but I can have that any day. Happy valentines day everyone!

Yesterday was an unusual day here in Oregon. The sun came out, the rain stopped and it was just beautiful. So I managed to crawl out of my feeling bad for myself pit and took my son to the park. I walked laps and he played with all the kids that had managed to break free for the afternoon too. While I was walking my laps I noticed a group of women. A large group. Not a lot of them, there were only four, but each one weighed at least 300 lbs. They were sitting on a bench eating. Why was that such a site for my eyes? Last summer that was me, and after seeing my son get teased because of me I swore it would never be me again. But what really pissed me off was the number of kids each one of these women had. Talk about a punch to the pre menstrual guts. Its amazing what can come so easily for some and is such a struggle for others. I finished me laps and jumped onto the jungle gym and played with my son. He will be the first to tell you he's glad mommy isn't so fat anymore ( you have to love the honesty of children) but he is also the one that ask me every week or so why we aren't having a baby yet. I always say mommy and daddy are trying, but we just have to wait our turn. I'm tired of waiting. Anyway, I'm done thinking about this crap until next month.

I also got a chance to do some garden work and have decided to build a new little flower area for my husbands mom in our back yard. It gives me a bit of a project to work on for the next month or so. I see a lot of yellows and whites happening. So now I think I'm going to brush my teeth and maybe my hair and head off to the garden center.

Pants on fire

Okay so I lied. Well I thought it would be easy but this month I seem to be coming up against a bit of frustration. It will work it self out with the help of some chocolate and wine.

Bowled over

Well everyone has finally stopped whining and appears to be healthy, which is good because my patience was starting to wear a little thin. Its a good thing I didn't bet on the superbowl because I would have lost. Big time. So what did fatty do today you ask? I took 5 teenage girls to the mall. Yes, it was as bad as it sounds. Whenever any of my neices has a birthday they all ask aunt fatty to round them up in my oh so cool minivan and take them to the mall so they can stare at boys and try on makeup. I have no problem with this at all. As a matter of fact I prefer it over spending time with my evil sisters in law anyday. My neices are all between 12 and 16 years old and very very VERY pretty. It seems like today every pervert that stalks asian teens was out today in full force. I thought we would be safer since it was the super bowl and I figured most creeps would be pre occupied. Wrong. The number of stalkers and creeps were mind blowing and they made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. Tomorrow I am asking all of their moms to either put them in self defense or have one of the men teach them how to fight there way out of a bad situation. I can see teenage guys staring or even starting conversations but when a man who looks 50 starts to follow young girls some bells go off in ones head.

Yesterday I ended up in that consumer hell known as walmart. Don't ask me how, but it happened. I don't understand why people just let their kids run around creating hell. Here's a tip for you who don't know. ...... if your kids can't behave don't bring them out into public....EVER. I don't want to be hit by them, yelled at by them, trip over them, or want to hear them screaming obscenities at you. I don't feel sorry for you, but I would like to smack you with something. My son went thru that stage and you know what I did? I kept his little ass home until he decided he got bored enough doing dishes with mom that he would behave. He knows that if he doesn't behave there are some serious consequences that will be dealt out, the first one being leaving whatever we are doing immediately. Control your damn kids or keep them home. Ahhhhhh that really makes me mad.

We went out for dinner tonight and had some mexican food. It was a nice way to wind down the weekend, and it was made even better by the shot of tequila. I don't think our mission to get knocked up was successful this month by the tell tale spotting going on and I have to admit that I am a little frustrated but not suprised. Its weird coming to terms with the fact that you are damaged, but each month it seems to get a little easier. Maybe its because I know we can adopt, or maybe its just because I'm tired of kicking myself in the ass every 30 days. I'm just happy I can live with it.

oh hell

What is white and screaming and feverish all over? If you guessed a six year old with a major ear infection and a 38 year old with a cold you would be absolutely right. It was funny because during my sickness I was expected to cook, clean, launder, and keep exercising. The two MEN of my life get sick and suddenly the world comes to a screeching halt. What is it that makes men such babies?