WHAT?!?!?!?

Nevermind. He's a butthole and I'm a jerk and our day was totally ruined. Ugh.

Show and tell

**Cute baby pictures below**



Ready?




OK.








So Mr.Fatty got me a new toy and since it was nice the other day I thought we would go outside and grab a few shots. These were my favorites.

I just can't believe its been almost a year. It seemed like the time to get him went so slow, and since he was born it has gone so fast. I just can't believe it. So what are you showing? Wanna see what others are showing???? Go see mel and join in on the fun.

a lull

Sorry for the lack of post lately but theres been two speedbumps

1) I'm having my first pp period. IT BLOWS. And my milk supply took a horrible hit.

2) To distract me from all the crap that has been going on Mr. Fatty bought me a fancy new camera with all sorts of bells and whistles so I have been relentlessly shoving my camera everywhere it can fit for a few days. I will post some pics for show and tell this weekend!

As for my mother she has been placed where she can get help. I had to take a step back and let people who have the skills to help her do so. I'm so looking forward to having my life back to what I consider normal. Thank you all for your support, it is what kept me from cracking.

Spoke too soon

Do you know what happens when you speak too soon? Karma puts a big boot on and nails you right in the ass. I was feeling strangely optomistic after my last post. Sure things weren't ideal, but they were okay. I won't go into to many details because they are awful, but lets just say that there was an attempted stabbing, some hallucinations (scary ones) and an assult of a police officer and medic involved. She's now in the hospital, but they aren't taking it seriously. They keep labeling it as confusion. Its not confusion if she tries to kill you. The drs won't listen to me and I feel hopeless. I fear for my safety and the safety of my children and so for that reason she won't be coming back here. As for where she is going to go I have no idea. I have to walk away from the situation and that feels awful.


Does anyone have any personal experience with schizophrenia or any disorders of that nature? I really think that might be the case but need to know what kind of specialist to bring in.

Don't look directly at the baby....he's so cute he'll knock your socks off

He's just so handsome its no wonder I have been bitten by the baby bug again. Yes, I was the one who was dragging my heels, but I think I'm about to give in. We aren't trying for a few reasons, the most important one being that I am still breastfeeding and haven't started cycling yet again, the second being Mr fatty. Since his first SA came back so crappy and improved so much after vitamins I decided that he should start up again. It will take a few months, but hopefully we will both be ready at the same time. I think I'm ready but I totally reserve the right to flip out and change my mind at any moment.

As for the sitution with my mother its been tough. She was kicked out of the nursing home because her insurance won't cover it. She didn't have any friends, and none of her family wants her so she is here and I'm her caregiver at this point. She is such a pain in my ass. She refuses to drink water or eat anything besides sweets (she is diabetic) and most of the time doesn't take her meds. I'm just having a hard time. I treat her will respect and compassion but its. just. hard. We don't know how long this will go on so I'm trying to prepare for the long haul. I'm looking into counseling about the entire issue and we'll see how that goes.

The class of 2008

I cant post much right now due to a screaming baby right now but I'm so glad I can be part of this. Go visit the class of 08

http://cibele-hopeful.blogspot.com/2009/03/class-of-2008.html

a lapse in the suckiness

Today all is good. I played with my kids and spent a great evening with my husband. After yesterday (truly the shittiest day ever) it just felt great. I know tomorrow will most likely not be anything like today, but for a just a moment I'm enjoying all the wonderful things around me.

Sorry I kind of left everything hanging, but I have been quite busy. So she did infact make it off the ventilator. She stayed in the ICU for a bit. During that time it was discovered she is having some issues mentally. She cannot remember a good portion of anything. She cannot walk, dress herself or basicly do anything. She is slowly learning how to talk again. The drs have said it appears to be some form of alzheimers (sp?) but we won't know more until there is some testing done. The shittiest part of all of it is that we had to put her in a nursing home. I just don't have the time or strength to care for her. I don't know why I'm so conflicted since she never gave a shit about me, but I am. So everyday I go see her. Some days she remembers me, some she doesn't. I just sit there and wonder how differently all of this could have gone.

blink

I've been trying to get a post out for about half an hour now but I just sat here and watched the stupid cursor blinking.

I've spent the last few days listening to varios machines beep and moan, watching the steady jump of the ventilator tubes, and wondering what the lesson for me in all this is. They are discussing withdrawing support but are leaving the decision to me. Well. I just don't know what to type after that.

Today as I brushed her hair out I wondered how she ended up this way. How long was she on the floor gasping for air before someone noticed.

The nurse told me the only words she actually got out once she got in there was something about her grandsons.

I can't let go of the feeling that she deserves a chance to get to know them more and watch them grow.

So for now I sit and think. I just can't even think straight. How do you decide what to do with someones life. HOW?

Thanks for the comments and prayers. We appreciate every single one. I will try to get caught up on blogs tomorrow.

My mother is dying. She has been in the icu since yesterday. Her kidneys are failing and her lungs are a mess. Her heart stopped twice already today. They called me and when I arrived I realized I was the only one she had. Yes she wasn't a good mother. Yes, she neglected and abused me. But still she gave me life. How do you comfort someone that never nurtured you? I'm just so lost right now.

drive by posting

This will have to be quick. Seriously this week has been so busy I have barely had time to pee.

*B is into EVERYTHING. As I speak he's destroying many things. Besides just crawling he is pulling up and cruising.

*We did come to a decision on the baby making process. Next september we will go straight into IUIs again. No need wasting time. Three shots then I call foul and we are done.

*Wei.ght W.atchers is seriously the best thing I have ever done for myself. I've been losing without any drop in milk supply. I feel great.

*In the two minutes it has taken me to type this B has managed to pull 4 things off a shelf, hide my cell phone, and bite my toe. Yeah its going to be one of those days.

I'm sprung

It's time to share again everyone for those who don't play along just click that very attractive icon and come share with all of us.

Today is cold shitty outside. No way around that. Its windy and frigid and sitting here all bundled up makes me long for spring. So today I thought I would share two of my favorite flowers from my garden.

First there is this one which was really that orange. Its not altered. The funny part is I planted white ones so imagine my suprise when this came popping out.




Next is this geranium. Its just so lovely to look at. It grows so quietly by the fence until it just erupts with color all at once.

And alas, poor Darwin is ready for spring too. He says its too damn cold for cats, and all the wind is messing his fur.

So there it is. I miss spring. Now I'm off to see what everyone else is sharing.

fatty

Scales can be mean little shits. It has come to my attention lately that I need to start up with the weight loss again. I can feel I'm too heavy again. I feel it in my bones and joints. So I have taken it upon myself to restart my old diet system and ack.....maybe even sign up for the plan. You know, the plan. The one with the w's that is usually located next to buffets. Seriouly why do they do that.

I'm a stress eater. I eat mostly at night when I'm online. A snack here and there can quickly add up. As are my flabby rolls. For a while I used the entire baby thing as an excuse, but he will be 8 months soon. How long can I use that excuse. I feel slobby and unkept. I'm sweaty and hot all the time and its kind of gross. I want to be healthy again so here we go. Can I just whine a little bit that I'm going to miss cocoa? I've been having some every morning and it just blows that I can't have it anymore. I'd almost rather lose a limb.


To update on B he has quite a few teeth now. They keep popping up like that whack a mole game. He seems to be happier the last few days which is helping a LOT. Tonight he pulled up for the first time! And although his left foot was in a weird position he did a fine job. Mom's cell phone can be quite the motivator. He also likes to stand and can do so for a short time unsupported. Tomorrow he has an appointment with the ped and his first vaccine. I know I will cry so I'm taking the tissues with me. Its almost 2 so I should head to bed.

And hey did you know its delurking week? Come out come out where ever you are.

Funk.....serious whining ahead

I'm not sure if it is the weather or what but I feel stuck. I've been sitting here for what seems forever just staring at the screen. My husband told me over coffee the other morning he still thinks of the baby we lost. Its funny because when we were in the trenches he was the one encouraging me to get over it, and now he's the one that can't seem to. Maybe miscarriage is what is making me stall on moving forward with the entire trying for a baby thing again. I'm not sure my heart can take it again. As a matter of fact I'm pretty sure it can't. My appointment with my ob/gyn is soon and I know this is something that will be coming up. I think she will push the medicated IUI route again and I'm not ready. I know I keep going back and forth but its hard because I just want to enjoy B right now. I just want to hold him and smell him and listen to him laugh. I don't want to think about pills and blood test and speculums. Everyone is pressuring us right now and I just want to scream and pull my hair out. I'm also worried my husband truly won't be happy with just being a family of four. I know we need to have a long talk and put it all out on the table but we are working through so much already. Its just all so mind consuming.

I've been a bad commentor. I've been reading, just too crappy headed to respond.

Excitement abounds

So new years eve was just rockin around here. B went to bed early and so did we. Everyone was tucked in by 11. Now thats what I call a happy ending to a year.

On another note I know I don't blog much about my oldest son (almost 10 ) on here but I just wanted to add how much I love him. I was reading this morning and it brought so much back to me. I'm so glad I left K and decided to do it all on my own.

Not much else, I have a lot of blogs to catch up on....