Pressure

Yesterday my nephew asked me what my new years resolution was. Those that have been with me for a while know I never set them. The last thing I need in my life is more pressure to do something I can't already fit into my day. Am I the only one that thinks this is a truly rediculous tradition. Most resolutions aren't kept anyway. In my life I have found that small goals made day to day add up to much bigger results. Instead I use this as a time of reflection to look back on the year and really take in all that has happened. I try to find the good so that when I think back on the year I don't see all the negatives and what I didn't accomplish.

This year I brought home the ultimate prize so everything else just doesn't seem to matter. Sure my pants still don't fit, my laundry is usually a load or two behind and I haven't mopped the bathroom in over a week. None of it matters. In years past it was harder to see the positives but I always managed to find one or two amongst the shit heap. So I ask all of you, what was a good thing that happened this year?

The weather outside is frightful

Anyone else not able to upload pics? Stupid blogger.

Anyway, thank you for all the well wishes for B. He is feeling better after lots of rounds of steam and fresh air. It was tough because I couldn't sleep. I was scared to death he was going to stop breathing. It wasn't just a slight fear either it was a paralyzing fear. I guess the worrying never stops.

So now that B is napping away I thought I'd take a moment to catch my breath and do a few updates. First of all the weather is total shit here. We have been snow/iced in for a few days now and it doesn't seem to want to stop. The first day was fun but now we have a bit of cabin fever. Mr fattys window got stuck in the down position so he's been driving to work at 4 am with the window half down while its 16 degrees outside. Would not want to be him. I have this mental picture of him looking like jack frost from the santa clause 3 movie. But much more asian.

I apparently love self torture because I invited the entire family to our house for christmas eve dinner and the gift exchange. So today I made the menu up. Seriously I am overdoing myself but we all love food so it will be worth the effort. We are having turkey and all the crap that goes with it, lasagna, and of course those pioneer woman cinnamon rolls every one dies for. It will be nice to have everyone here for B's first holiday. Of course I wish my family could be there, but that is an enitirely differnt can of worms.

Thank you all for the support on the angel giving trees post! And to the person who emailed me to remain anonymous I won't out you, but your generosity to your neighborhood should be celebrated! I delivered our gifts to the tree over the weekend and after taking up money from all the family we were able to get everything they asked for and a bit more. Even our oldest (D) got into it and donated his allowance. There will be many happy kids this year.

On the entire expanding our family subject we talked it over last night and decided that after I'm done breastfeeding we will see what happens for the first 6 months and then take it from there. I think we are to the point where we want to try for a bit, but aren't willing to go the entire IUI/additional procedures again. At this point I feel like our family could be complete. Another would be great, but I would be content with our boys. I guess I'm kind of thinking that trying for another might be pressing our luck.

I know this is a hard time of year for many....boy do I know. After miscarrying a few years ago right before the holidays I know it can be uber shitty. For all of you still in the mix of all the shit I will be taking names/prayer request with me to temple next week. I'll have the monks say a blessing for you and take in the white hope flowers too. Let me know if you want to be part of it.

So tired

Seriously can't even think right now. B has been sick with croup AND his top left tooth is trying to break through. His gum is all swollen and red and he is coughing like a seal. And on top of that he has been sleeping like crap. Right now he's sleeping soundly on his dads lap and we are terriffied to move him. Must....google....croup...

Toxicity and a way you can help

I think I've blogged before about my toxic mother. You remember her...the one that refused to spend $8 on a bra for me and I was pointed at and laughed at during gym. The one that thought cigarettes were a better investment then school supplies. Lets face it, I could go on forever. But there IS a point. Keep reading.....

I never got christmas gifts. Sometimes a kind neighbor would bring us a tree, but that was about it. When I was about 8 and my sister was 1 she started going to various charities that put our names on those christmas trees you see everywhere. When I was 8 I got a pair of socks. When I was 9, 10, 11, 12 I recieved nothing. I guess my tag was never pulled off the tree. I remember how I cried those years. Lets not even talk about what it was like going back to school and hearing everyone talk about their holidays. My sister, being the youngest always seemed to get stuff. Every year I would tell myself not to get my hopes up, but when I would watch her open her gifts and I had nothing it made me sob. Even to this day it makes me sad. Now when I was thirteen pogoballs were all the rage. I wanted one so bad. On christmas day the lady came to our house and brought a food box. Then she went out to her trunk and brought in 4 gifts. Imagine my suprise when one was for me. The next morning I was so happy and excited just to have something and I almost died when I opened it and it was a pogoball! It was yellow and black and oh so beautiful. Then I cried. Not tears of pain, but tears of happiness because I knew that someone CARED.

The point to all of this? I know we are all facing tighter finances this year....but if you can, please pull a kids tag off of a tree. It makes more of a difference than you will ever know. It may just make someone believe they are loved.

No creme for me......but finally I'm adding B's birthstory!

I was just looking back at my post and I couldn't find one for creme de la creme because I was a really shitty blogger this year. Horrid. Bad blogger. But I learned a few things. One...holy cow I have been blogging for 3 and a half years! For some reason I didn't think it was that long...and two.....I never posted B's birthstory. Since I can't undo all the non blogging I did this year I'll settle for the birthstory.

For the weeks leading up to my induction I was blowing kidney stones like it was no ones businees. I kept drinking lots of water and walking (to keep fluid moving) but it was just useless. At my last ob appointment I was offered an induction. Now usually I like to let things happen naturally but I had quite enough of all that nonesense so we set a date. I went home and finally started getting baby stuff out. Oh yes, my fear of baby items went that deep. I tried to get caught up on sleep but it was no use so we spent the last day at the mall walking, eating cinnabons, and seeing movies.

May 14th at 11:30 pm I went into labor and delivery scared as hell. My husband at this point was just ready to hold our son. Me? Every step was hesitation. They checked me in, calmed me down and inserted that crap that makes you dialate. They broke my water about 3 in the morning and my contractions set in. But this was a bit different than labor with my oldest. This was like a raccoon was trying to claw its way out of my lower back. I was dialating and he was coming down at an acceptable rate, but he was turned the wrong way. I got on the ball, walked the halls, spent an hour on all fours....anything you could think of but this stubborn little boy would just not budge. After about 9 hours I begged for mercy and got an epidural. Only one word can describe it. Heaven. Seriously now I wonder why I didn't get one with my oldest. If I ever have another child I will go into L&D wearing an I heart my anesthesiologist tshirt. I had go get his lunch while they did the epidural because he is seriously squeemish. OH, did I mention that the kind midwives were nice enough to not only feed me breakfast, but sneak me a bit of lunch too? I loved those women, especially when they came in bearing snacks.

Now where was I? Oh yeah, heaven. So when my husband came in I was totally numbed and smiling. He ate and we talked and I was finally able to relax. He dozed off watching golf and I got situated to take a nap. But then something odd happened. About 45 minutes after my epidural I started feeling some pain. My husband heard me moaning and woke up. A nurse came in and said maybe you need to turn on your side....I turned and the pain continued so she decided to check me. HOLY MOLY B was right there. And by right there I mean THERE. I started shaking uncontrollably (I've heard this is common, is it?) and she told me to resist the urge to push while she gathered the team. She left the room and I justremember how quiet it was. For a moment it was just me and my husband. I was shaking and scared and he was just comforting me and reminding me that in a few minutes I would hold the greatest reward. We kissed and he rubbed my stomach while we waited. And then the urge to push hit hard. I remember telling him I didn't think I could hold it anymore when all three midwives came in wheeling all the goodies. It took them about 40 seconds (not kidding) to get ready and then there we were. I puhed once and then they told me to hold it again. He was already crowning! They did this so I wouldn't tear, and I apreciate it because I didn't tear. I pushed once more and his head was out. I reached down and felt him and my husband of course had to tell me he had so much hair. One more and I was holding my boy. Yes folks, I can count the number of pushes on one hand.

I got to put him to my bare chest immediately and keep him there. They checked him out right on my chest. He was a bit purple and didn't give out the best cry right away but he perked up in no time. My placenta was big and healthy. Much to my suprise mr. fatty was very interested in it and asked the midwife to hold it up for him so he could take a peek. After a while they took him to the warmer about 4 feet from my bed and got the weight and length down. It was all so surreal. Even now when I look back on it, it feels like a dream.

The kaiser I gave birth at is a baby friendly hospital so baby rooms with mom and breastfeeding is highly advocated so B stayed in with us. The midwives gave us no issue with the fact that even an hour later we still hadn't named him. On the door they just wrote my name and B (for baby) In case your wondering that is why I call him B on here. His name doesn't start with a b. Within hours of his birth we were visited by a dr, two nurses, a lactation consultant and about a billion visitors. The ped noticed that B was yellow and had his blood drawn. It was hell to hold my son and hear him scream while they poked his heel and kept rubbing the blood out. His count came back at 11. They encouraged lots of breastfeeding and sleep. Problem is he wouldn't wake to eat! All night long I fed him whenever he woke and woke him every 2 hours. The next morning he was tested again (12 this time) but luckily he slept through it. Now I know everyone has their own opinion about circumsision but mr.fatty decided he did want that for his son so I agreed. B slept through it. Didn't wake for anything which goes to show what a great job they did with numbing him and keeping him comfortable. However that night he did not sleep at all. Mr fatty and I took turns sleeping in half hour shifts just so we could function. The next morning they let us go home. It was great to walk into my home with my own real live baby. For me that is when my fears started to ease. We had made it home.

Of course we had to go back the next day for jaundice testing again. His count came down to 11, but he had dropped almost a lb in weight. Luckily my milk also came in so I just nursed and nursed and his count the next day was 8. He gained weight quickly and his yellow faded. The first few days home were a blur of sleep deprivation and visitors. Hard to believe my little B is now almost 7 months old. It just amazed me. Speaking of which I should head to bed. Its very late and B is scooting and scooting and I don't want to sleep in on the off chance I miss his first real crawling moment.

Go fatty its your birthday

Sunday I turned 31. It is a very unexciting birthday if you ask me. We had a delicious crab dinner and some sinful cake. After the kids went to bed we also split a bottle of wine. All good things. So now I'm sitting here researching tummy tucks because I have decided for my 35th birthday I will be getting one. If the boobs have started to sag they will be lifted too. It may be vain, but after losing 90 something pounds and having two really large babies I am not fond of my belly sag. I'm not one of those women that has really fabulous skin that just snaps back into place so a little nip tuck is in order.

Oh and just a heads up. You know how when your babies bottom teeth have made their way out and you are supposed to have a few months before the top ones start working their way out????? Total BULLSHIT. I feel sorry for B, he is having a hard time, but I'm trying to be patient and he's trying to be happy. We will get through this.

6 months

Oh what a wild trip it has been. I can't believe these 6 months have flown by so fast. I have so much to say, but really don't know where to start. I am amazed at this being every day. It seemed just like yesterday we were headed to the ER and I was terrified I was goiong to miscarry again. I think in a way it all feels surreal because I didn't enjoy my pregnancy. Yes I know we all aim for it, but it was a time of fear for us. So much in fact that there is only 2 pictures of a pregnant me. We took them right before we left for the hospital. Its funny now because our house is full of pictures of B. Before it was full of pictures of D (my oldest). In the spring we are going to have family photos too. Makes me feel like we are finally complete.

OR are we? Mr.fatty and I really have mixed feelings about having another go at it. Part of me feels greedy because we are already so blessed, but we always thought we would have 3 children. At what point is it just pressing our luck? Am I really willing to go through all the bfn's and IUI's? And more to the point could our marriage handle it again? Its a tough decision, and one we should decide on before baby B weans. Well why we ponder all these things heres one of B's photos for all those who like to awwww at baby bottoms.

PSA

I'm coming out of my fog for a moment. I just wanted to say everyone should go sign the petition for premature babies. Go ahead, it will only take a moment of your time. Just click that little pink button on the right. I know I am greatly blessed that our son arrived safe and healthy and there is not a day that I'm not thankful for it. Okay psa over. I must go shower the spit up and mum mum off of me.

Circle time

Well this is my first time taking part in

Mel's Show and Tell and at first I wasn't going to, but after seeing this on my fridge I just had to. My fridge is forever cluttered with various things but every once in a while something makes me pause. Over the years many messages have been scrawled across our fridge, some anouncing a baby, some accusing others of cutting the cheese, and of course praise for jobs well done. I know its not terribly exciting but it i one of my favorite things. So come on now, go visit mel and post something and go visit others.

Holiday dreaming

I'm not sure what has me in the mood but I am doing some serious holiday dreaming. Maybe its the turkey in the crockpot....maybe its the cold weather, or maybe I'm just excited for B's first christmas. (By the way if you want to try making dinner in the crockpot check out this lady for some fantastic recipes.) We have asked everyone to keep gifts modest this year not only because he's so small and needs so little, but we are teaching our oldest the value of money. We will buy each a big item they really want, but would like the rest to be more conservtive. And lets face it, 6 month olds really like wrapping paper more than toys.

When we dug ourselves out of debt we made a promise to ourselves not to do it again, which isn't always easy. Mr fatty has been DYING for a new tv for a long time. It would be so easy to put one on credit, but we hold off and put money aside for it. I know we are teaching our oldest a valuable lesson about money, but sometimes being responsilbe sucks. The only money we owe right now is on the house, and we are determined to have it off our back within a few years too. I know, its a crazy idea but with no car payment and no credit card/loan debt I feel it is reasonable. Interest is my enemy. But really why I went into this entire subject is that christmas is totally different for us now. It used to be all about the gifts. Now its about the home made cinamon rolls and hot cocoa, a mid day movie in our pj's, playing boardgames and going to visit family. Yes the presents are fun, but so is the rest of it. Its amazing how family became the focus once money left the picture. So my question to all of you is what are you looking forward to this year? What are your most valued traditions?

The things that keep you up at night

I just typed about a gazillion words about my marriage. And then deleted them. When I look back at this I don't want to remember my issues with something that happened a long time ago, is probably not that big of a deal, and something I can't change. Instead I want to remember this morning. Something as simple as a kiss and I love you in the shower makes me know we can make it through this. I love you honey and I know we can be okay again. This is my hangup and I need time to heal, and we know that can be a slow process so try to be patient. We are worth it.

B takes over

Hi people, B here to blog for mommy tonight. I'm teething which means I have been alternating between crying my eyes out and flooding my diapers with poo all day. Right now she's sneaking a glass of wine and gathering her thoughts. I'm big now. 6 months on the 15th and 20lbs. I'm scooting and trying to crawl with all my might which makes mommy cheer and freak out all at the same time. She's working hard on keeping all important things out of my way and securing anything heavy. This is a good time to remind other mommies to make sure to secure bookshelves and tvs! We CAN tip them over and the results aren't good. I have other interest too. I like to stick everything in my mouth, pull hair, splash water, sticking my fingers in others eyes and noses, and tear paper to shreds. I'm sure this will be over soon and she'll be back to say hi. I should go, its time to eat. Mmmmmm boobies.

Eh

Wow it has been a while huh? I cannot believe time has passed so fast and I have to admit this break I took has been good for me. And I just really haven't had the time. Anyone who has kids and blogs is amazing to me because I still haven't mastered the entire kids and showering everyday thing yet. Our little nugget is growing so fast. He's trying to crawl and has already started cutting his bottom two teeth. And he's just shy of 6 months! So if you wonder where I was I was enjoying all the baby hood I could because I'm very aware this may be the last time I experience it.

We've also been working a lot on our marriage. I don't know if I blogged about this before but we hit a major roadblock. No, neither one of us were unfaithful. It was just a lie way back when we first started, but when it came up again it made me question the entire foundation of our marriage. I lost a lot of trust in him and felt like he didn't respect me at all. It has been an uphill battle since then, but we are chugging along. Its funny how something that seems so small at one time can threaten come back and threaten the happiness of a family. I so don't feel like going into it tonight but I can pretty much garauntee (is that even spelled right) it will be a topic on this blog soon.

I'm also still batteling my weight. I couldn't figure out why I wasn't losing anything until I added up how many calories I ate a day. I'm lucky I'm not 800lbs right now. I eat when I'm upet so it kid of works into everything else. I managed to make it through the post partum landmind without losing myself in depression like I did with my first, but I did get stuck in a few potholes. It was hard to blog about because I felt so selfish being depressed about motherhood, but I am feeling stronger now. Hopefully I can keep my face out of the brownie pan too.

I am back, and feel like I need to post regularly again. It will be good to buzz around and catch up on everyone.

I know it isn't the best picture, but its hard to get a great angle when you only have one arm in use. This little ball of love came barelling along on the may 15th. I was finally induced after a few more kidney stones and just for good measure some suddenly high blood pressure. My labor was 10 hours and thank god I had an epidural for the last 45 minutes. Back labor blows. Seriously.

He was a whopping 8 lbs 14 oz and 21.5 inches at birth. He lost quite a bit due to being jaundiced, but was able to gain it back in no time. He will be 4 weeks tomorrow and weighs 10 lbs 7 oz, and is 23 inches long. Yep, we have a grower here.

Breastfeeding has helped me shed the baby weight pretty quickly and 30lbs are already gone. I feel like the last 10 will probably be a bit harder to get off. Oh and a note for everyone fixing to have babies....lactation consultants are your best friend. Use them. Love them.

To me it all still seems like a dream. I love him so much I just can't even put it into words. Its hard to believe this little one is finally here. There just aren't any words to describe what an amazing feeling this is. Suprisingly it has finally made mr. fatty feel the impact of our miscarriage. He went through a small period of mourning for the child we didn't have, and is now fully in love with the one that loves pooping everytime we remove his diaper.

I haven't been on much because I find this dark little room in the back of the house depressing. Its to quiet and stale. Part of my mission to ward off ppd has been to keep myself in a good place and part of that has ment spending a lot of time outside or camped out in the living room in front of the big windows. It has also been helpful to let my husband know how I'm feeling. Granted it can change dramaticly within minutes, but its still helpful. I feel like I've avoided the abyss I fell into last time. Mr. fatty is getting me a lap top and the house wifi ready so I can be in different areas of the house. Of course its not just for blogging purposes, it seems that bills and many emails have been neglected since I've boycotted this room. I will be on a lot more once I have the freedom to roam.

I'm off again. I will be back soon. Thank you all for all the support and well wishes. I never would have made it without them.

Best laid plans

I keep losing post!

He has arrived, hopefully this will show. Detailed post and pics coming as soon as this stupid site is fixed.