Poppers

I think my knee hates me. Since I started my journey of fitness it has steadily been getting worse. So I started running 3x a week and biking 2x and just doing whatever I feel like the other 2. Biking seems to be okay but after I run I notice that it sucks a lot. When I lookes up my pain and symptoms it said it was jumpers knee, but how can you get that running. Is my fat just simply too much for my knee? Now I know I promised to go have it looked at last month, but now I'm really ready. My fear is that they will tell me no more exercise. I"m not really ready to blow back up like a jelly fish at the moment so I keep putting it off. But I will call tomorrow and make an appointment.

Today I decided to break out of my usual routine and took my son up to Mt. Tabor so he could workout with me. Hiking up and down that damn place with intervals of jumping jacks and kicks was harder than I thought. It was slightly embarassing that my 6 year old excelled more than me, but still good to get outside. Since I started the rule of no tv and no video games during the school week I have seen an amazing difference in the way he acts at school and at home, but I have to be honest when I say that sometimes it is hell of a lot easier to let them have their way. Tonight about 6:30 I would have rather chewed my own leg off than play another game of shape sort. I was proud of myself when I pulled thru, but believe me in the back of my head I had visions of blues clues and relaxation.

So today being the total idiot I am I started the next rule of no candy or soda on school nights except special occasions. For some kids it is okay but I think if my son even smells a sprite he can't sleep until a few hours past his bed time. I decided to start making changes in his life when I started to turn mine around, but decided to do it slowly. He has done fabulous and I couldn't be happier.

I was thinking about love earlier. Not the kind of love I thought I had when I was younger and thought about marriage to the wrong guy, not the kind of love I thought I had when I got pregnant, and definetly not the kind I imagined in my head when I was young. I'm talking about the kind of love that catches you off gaurd. The kind you feel when you lay next to your husband and talk about plans for vacations or anything really. The kind you feel when you hold your kids hand and talk about the school day. I never ever thought I would be capable of such love. Its just hard to remember that everyday when alarms go off late, laundry gets forgotten, your husband has bad gas and doesn't warn you, or a you picasso decides to make the hall walls into his own personal art space. As much as I complain sometimes about trivial things don't be fooled. I am so blessed and I know it.

Big mouth strikes again

Well the fatty household is under the flu lockdown. I thought it was a cold but apparently it tis the flu. But the problem is I said no excuses right? So the last few days I have been heavin my big butt around the block in an attempt to exercise while I have the craps. I hate my big mouth sometimes.

Okay so today I am sick. Not sick of cleaning or anything like that. I have caught an actual cold. But that still can't bring me down. You want to know why? Oh, of course you do. I finished my taxes already. Signed, stamped and ready for the post office in the morning. I know this may not be a big accomplishment to some but considering I usually spend the 14th of april drinking and trying to finish my taxes I feel pretty damn proud of myself. Okay I'm going to take my snotty butt back to bed...

Excuses

Well well well, another week finished. I made it thru my son being ill, a horrid birthday party, and pre ovulation jitters. For anyone that is curious my hard headed little egg friend should be dropping at any moment but oddly enough something else is occupying more space in that bowl of pudding I call my brain.

Lately I have heard and seen a lot about fat acceptance. I agree that we should love ourselves unconditionally. I don't believe in deprevation or making yourself unhappy either. Yay for peace love and snicker bars. But then tonight I'm watching the learning channel and this program called Big as life: Obesity in America. The fact that the woman who was trying to justify why she wouldn't diet and had to love her probably 320lb was having such a hard time breathing it was louder than her voice really disturbed me. I get the fact that it is easier not to diet and exercise. But I don't get how you can say that is loving oneself. If you loved yourself wouldn't you want to take better care of you? Wouldn't you want to be able to climb a flight of stairs, or maybe get thru a day without back pain. Aren't you worth the effort? I'm not saying this because I'm no longer morbidly obese. I'm just saying that I never would have turned my life around if I wouldn't have finally figured out that I should put as much care into myself as I do my family and loved ones. I now know that I am worth that 45 minutes at the gym. I know that my body deserves more than fruit loops. I know I don't want to die of a heart attack before my son graduates high school. And its amazing because all of that came to me in a split second last summer. I don't make excuses anymore and that is why my pledge not to diet and deprive is working.

Okay besides all that rolling around in my brain I am proud to say that today I ran. Oh yeah baby. I just decided fuck it and went for it. We're talking 15 minutes straight of unabashed fat flapping full force running baby. It felt great too. Of course I continued running/walking intervals after that but that is besides the point. You know how long I could run when I started this. Not even a minute. And even that made me want to pass out. But for 15 minutes today I was a runnin fool. My husband has put out the idea of the family participating in the fun run this year. For those of you who aren't portlanders its a 5k right before the startlight parade. Everyone dresses in obsurd costumes and runs for the crowds gathering for the parade. I think it would be a good place to start because its in the evening and cool and it would be a lot of fun. I'm also happy my husband will be doing it with me. I have a few months to prepare and unless I hit that golden jackpot and get knocked up there is nothing that can stop me. No excuses.

I can stop anytime...

I'm not sure if anyone remembers my christmas card bonanza, but like the crackhead that I am I have started mass mailings again. For the love of god I joined a postcard swap. It really is addictive. Pretty soon I will buying black market post cards in dark alleys from guys who wear little more than a coat. Oh yeah, its that good. But its an interesting thing when you recieve mail from accross the world. I could probably pay of the national debt from the amount of money I spend on stamps but I don't care. I like to get stuff in the mailbox besides bills and pizza coupons. And a postcard would have been a hell of a lot better than my jury summons too.

My computer has been acting like a dumbass and I am about three beeps from sending it flying out the window. Not sure how much damage a two and a half foot fall would do but I am willing to find out. In other addiction news I have something to report. I have not, I repeat NOT bought any ovulation test to pee on this month. I know, its amazing and I almost felt dirty passing them up. What will my infertile buddies think of me? Is this the beginning of the end? For anyone who doesn't know, trying to have a baby brings out this unnatural urge to pee on anything that remotely resembles a home test of any kind. Its a sickness that just overcomes you at some point. You have to know right then if you are fixing to ovulate. But right now it really doesn't matter. I know I ovulate, and we have lots of mating season sex so the rest of it is out of my hands. Will I be singing a different toon in a few weeks when my period shows up in a brilliant display of cramps and oozy red? Yep.

My son had to stay home from school today. He has been fighting a cold all week, but today the fever started so he had to stay. The funny thing was he didn't want to. Between hacks and sniffles he was crying that he would miss his friends and his crayons. He even splashed cold water on his face in an attempt to get to go. I am happy my little trouble maker loves school so much but it was really a little over dramatic (I wonder where he gets that from). So instead like a bad mom I have given in to his demands and let him take over the living room with blankets and pillows and of course, he gets to watch tv. Around here there is no tv or games on school days so spongebob made his day away from his friends and crayons not quite as sucky. I want a day of video games and cartoons and no chores. I think I'll go share a glass of juice with him...

Scatterbrained

Today I was back at the gym giving my feeble attempt at running another try. See by nature I am a bike rider. I can go for miles and enjoy the pain of saddle butt, but running I always have to work at. Anywho, after staying with the bike for a few days to heal my fat thighs I decided to jump back on the good old evil treadmill. Walk for one run for one gave me a thurough ass kicking without leaving me hobbled so I feel satisfied. However I did notice that when I run I cannot focus. I cannot tell you how many things went thru my head in the 60 running spurts. I am amazed at the number of big girls at the gym lately. I hope for their sakes they stay with it but I can already point out the ones who won't. I'm sorry girl in pink shirt but standing next to the stairmaster and fiddling with your ipod for 20 minutes does not qualify as a workout. Oh and the mother daughter team I see circling me like sharks, please, please, PLEASE mom do anything you can to encourage your daughter. She has got to be 100 lbs over weight and calling her fat in the gym doesn't help. And to whoever was besides me today I'm really sorry my deoderant failed me the last five minutes. Really I am.

I finally lost a few lbs and broke thru this stupid plateau. But I must be honest when I say its the farthest thing from my mind today.

As some of you may remember my nephew was murdered last year. For some reason today I kept thinking about him and his family. Not neccisarily about his mother because as she will tell you she has gotten over it and no longer plans to think about it. Its his dad. His father was ruined. I seen him a few weeks ago and its like looking at a ghost. I don't think the expression on his face has changed since that night. I don't understand how a heart can be so broken. I often wonder if the people who kicked, punched, stabbed and thru bricks at him until he died realised the fact that he wasn't who they thought he was before they ran. I wonder if the people who walk over that spot everday know how quickly a life can change. I talked to him a few days before he died about his new job and family, he was doing good and thought his life would only get better. I'm sorry he never had the chance to see what I know would have been a great future. But to his dad, I just really want to say that I hope your heart can begin to heal at some point. We are all here for you.

Ow

Lately I have been pushing my workouts to the limit and I must admit I felt pretty damn good about it. Until today that is and I had to have my husband carry me to the bathroom. Let me rewind and go back a few days. My thighs had been bothering me a bit but I was still pushing forward and just going for the gold. Yesterday feeling a little inspired by a girl running I decided to jump on the trusty treadmill and run for 2 walk for 2. It felt fantastic at the time and I made it thru without too much struggle. Then on to the bike for 8 miles. Feeling like I accomplished something I went home and showered my sweat plastered hair and settled in for a relaxing night. Two hours later there was a little pain, which is normal right? This morning my usual race to go pee was thwarted by the fact that it took me forever to go 15 feet. Now I cannot even walk because my thighs 1) won't cooperate 2) it hurts like hell. So am I giving up? Hell no. I took today off to heal but tomorrow I will be back at it. Although I think I may go for the run for one walk for one program....

Just like mom

Today started out like any other day. Got up, made my son breakfast, we did our stretches and warmed up our brains and out the door we go. I should know by now that at least once a month he gets in trouble. Lately its been so quiet and his teacher is always saying how good he's been doing. Today as I'm getting out of the shower I here the oh so familiar voice of his principal saying we needed to come for a visit. Shit, there goes the good behavior. Hubby and I go right away and find out he punched someone. In all fairness the other kid did kick him, but I didn't let him use that as an excuse. So now he is home for a three day weekend grounded from tv, video games, and anything that might remotely bring him joy. The only problem is that is very VERY bad for me. Now I guess I get to spend my weekend being grounded too.

What a day to forget my mace

Today I drug my menstral butt to the gym and decided cramps or not I was going to have a great workout. About halfway thru my eliptical routine it happened. All the sweaty hairs on the back of my neck stood up on end and I knew that my ex was somewhere around me. I thought I have got to be crazy and finished up. I got off the eliptical and turned around and guess who was sitting on the exercise bike behind me?????? Come on, guess. Oh yeah it was him. I was more than a little stunned. For those of you who don't know about him let me just fill you in a bit. He is the father of my son. The man who walked away and never looked back except to call me and ask if I still wanted to uh be intimate with him. I will say it, this guy is a prick. I won't say I'm sorry I met him because I wouldn't have my son. But I really REALLY dislike this man. So I decided to handle this calmly and went up to him and just asked him that since we seem to live in the same area if we could keep it civil and just stay our distance. Want to know what he did? He yelled at me! Taking every ounce of patience I had I just said that I was happy now and didn't want any problems and that was all I had to say. I just walked away while he was still babbeling on. After I got dressed I got my son out of the kidsclub and just stopped and was amazed about how someone could ever turn their back on someone so beautiful. I never told him to stay away from his son, and in fact I encouraged visits for the first year and then one day he just said it wasn't what he wanted and walked away. We are happy now and I really cannot say what a great father my husband is, and today I realized it even more after running into farkwad. What are the chances of that happening? I just hope this doesn't turn into anything ugly. Oh, and I have to admit I got a bit of a chuckle out of the fact that he has gained about 100lbs. Mean I know, but that didn't stop me.

Damn

Well well well, it seems that my period is well on its way. Oh I knew it was coming and unlike last month I didn't get my hopes up. I don't know why. My chart looked flawless this month but somehow I just knew it wasn't going to turn out that way. I keep waiting for the outburst and uncontrollable crying to start but this time it just didn't come. Maybe it is the cheese poof induced stupor I am currently in. And by the way trader joes makes fabulous ones. My husband suspecting this month was going to be bad brought home the cheese poofs and a tin of almondina bark as a way of making peace before the hurricane started. I made it thru the almondina bark yesterday and I have to say it was pretty good. I don't worry about weight because I don't weigh around this time. I learned that doing so is just plain stupid if you are like me and a slight fluctuation can make you want to run around screaming like you are on fire. I exercised today but more out of frustration than motivation. What am I doing now? Making my way thru a bag of M&Ms. Just keepin it real here.

Today I noticed a few things while I was at the gym. 1. The bitchy girl at the front desk is pregnant (gah) 2. All my weight is still hovering around my middle like a hoolahoop 3. Resolutioners are funny. What is a resolutioner. Well they are the people that resolve a life of fitness every year and then go to the gym for two weeks and then quit. I think it is funny but also a little frustrating because my normally peaceful gym is turned upside down during this time. But anyway what struck me as funny today was the woman in heels ( not kidding!) on the treadmill that seemed to be having a heated conversation with someone on her phone. Yeah thats right, shes a phonie. How can you workout in heels on the phone???? Well considering I could cut a leg off and move faster than her I wouldn't really call it a work out. I have to give her credit though, she did it her way. After what I must admit was a brutal workout I waddle my premenstral butt into the lockeroom and encounter a 118lb girl on the scale proclaiming she was fat. Now most people would chuckle on the inside but mine just wouldn't stay that contained. I guess it is all in how we look at ourselves right? But if your pants size is smaller than your shoe size it should be law that you cannot refer to yourself as a fat ass.

I've been reading a lot of blogs lately and desperately need to update my blogroll. Now that I will be clotting away for the next few days I will finally be able to get it done. What I have noticed is that a lot of us are really making some great progress. I think whoever said most dieters failed obviously wasn't refering to bloggers. I have decided to post some before and after pictures soon so now I am going thru the stacks I have deciding which ones don't make me look so hippoish and will probably put them up next week. My husband says my before should be my motivation picture. I have it on the fridge and it is well the opposite of everything nice. I am a whopping 225 lbs in a swimsuit bending over. Yes people it is my butt in clingy cloth from the must unflattering angle you can think of. If I drink enough before I post the pictures I might just make that the one.

Yeah...

I miss my husband. No, I didn't finally bury him somewhere or force him to go into shock by taking away his tools or remote. He just returned to work today. I had almost 2 weeks with my husband and son home and today it all ended. My hubby works swing shift so in the evenings after my son goes to bed I do, well this, and anything else I can find to keep myself busy. Its a schedule that works for him but it is really lonely at times. Speaking of his tools he still hasn't fixed the damn dryer. This weekend we are going to home depot and I am getting one. Right now I'd settle for a hair dryer on a stick but this has got to end. He took it apart yet again the other day. Then called friends over for a meeting of the minds until after hours of prodding and banging and beer drinking they finally declared that it was indeed broken. Well no shit. While they were in there pondering the wonders of the universe I came across something so horrible. I was walking across my kitchen floor when it happened. Squeek. Crap. I moved quickly hoping none of them heard it because we all know the squeak in the bathroom floor was quickly fixed by ripping up the entire floor and spending almost 2 weeks to fix it. Lets just hope no one steps in that spot ever again.

Fitness wise I feel like I'm doing good. I think I've lost a few but I want to wait to make sure it wasn't just a planetary fluctuation or anything. I'm the smallest I ever remember being. I recently tried pilates and almost died, but I loved it so I am going back again. I'm also trying not to focus too much on my upcoming pms or the fact that my knee is starting to hurt during running and squats. Pms I can handle but I'm a serious wus at injuries. I know it can get worse so I'm going to call and make an appointment like a good little fatty.

Resolutions = Crap

Well it seems that some how fatty has made it thru another year. This year has been a nutty one for me but all in all I think it went okay. I've decided not to make any resolutions this year because basicly I think they are a bunch of crap. Of course I had made the resoutions to stop smoking and eat better for many years before I actually did, but the resolution actually had nothing to do with either one of them. Figuring out I smelled like actual shit made me want to stop smoking and finally seeing how big my ass was made me want to lose weight. So um no resolutions here.

Our new years was a rockin one indeed. We grabbed some of my neices and nephews and headed to a family new years bash at the bowling alley. Lights, music, and lots of beer, it was fantastic. My son beat us all and is still gloating about it. I say luck he says skill. I guess we'll find out when we have a rematch next week. We discovered bowling when I decided to make my son realize there is more to life than video games. I was amazed by the amount of family friendly activities there are around here when I actually looked. Now I just have to find something I can beat him at.

Tomorrow I need to go get new shorts before the man on the stairmaster behind my eliptical at the gym gets blinded by the whiteness of my butt as my shorts fall down around my ankles. Yes they really are that big now. This is the time of year where I can't even get a damn machine because everyone decideds to go get in shape for the new year. But they only come for two weeks so I know that if I ride it out pretty soon I will be able to climb, run, scratch, and sing along to my mp3 player in peace again. Boy that is a pretty picture isn't it? But honestly I usually go right when I get up. If your lucky I'll brush my hair before going in but even that is pushing it.

I hope everyone had a great new year!