Temptation

My son planted a pear tree a few years back. We have had the joy of watching this tree take roots and grow bigger than all of us. Last year I thought it would be the year I would finally get to taste one of its delicious fruits. It tried. It taunted and tempted me but never produced anything larger than a bouncy ball. This year I have pruned and loved this tree almost to an obsession. I love pears. I eat them almost every day. Now I wait. Ready to pounce at the scent of a ripe pair. Every day I circle the tree muttering sweet threats to make it into fire wood if I don't get fruit. This is unhealthy I know. And to make it worse we planted more fruit trees this year. So over the next few years I will be threatening innocent cherries, apples, and asian pears. Thank god cake doesn't grow on trees.

I have a few more changes to make to this rackety old blog of mine and will do them this week. I like this template and think I'll keep it, but I'm unhappy with a few things. Knowing I have the computer skills of a two year old I will probably mess things up so bear with me.

Men

I really feel that I am at a disadvantage not to have a penis in this household. Even the cats are boys. Well one was a girl but since having her fixed I think she is secretly conspiring with the boys. If you ask my friend she will tell you she thinks that the sexes are equal and should be treated the same. I say bullshit. I for one can manage to use the bathroom without hitting the toilet seat and the lid. I can take my socks off and put them in a hamper. And of course I can say thing and actually mean what I said. These traits are not present in the penis population in my house.

Take today for example. My husband says he is going outside to fix the truck. I thought they were fixing the truck, but apparently fixing the truck is code for drink beer and bullshit with the guy three doors down about lawn mower repair. Silly me.

The reason my son (who I swear should work for nasa right now) cannot aim completely escapes me. The toilet seems like a pretty big target. Come to think of it the hamper is pretty damn big too. Its not that damn hard. Yet he can do one of those rubiks cube thingies in the time it takes me to make dinner.

My husband is an interesting specimen. He has no idea how to organize anything or, like his partner in crime, put dirty clothes in the hamper. Up until he met me he had no idea girls could swim when they had their period. Soon to be 38, he still doesn't know how to use a blinker, and of course doesn't realize that tracking mud on a clean floor is a nono. However, when it comes to moving things or digging huge holes for me he's the champ. I think I love him more because I don't understand him.

So you can understand why I'm a little scared that he has taken over our anniversary plans. He just said I would be suprised. Well thats nice. But there are good (like yay a vacation) and bad (like oh wow theres bird crap on my jacket) suprises. I am hoping that this one will be good. His birthday is coming up and I am at a loss as to what to get him. I was going to do some pin up style pictures for him, but I think I need a bit more time to build up some confidence for that. So now we are less than two weeks away and I haven't got a clue. Why do men have to be so difficult?

Got snout?

We have decided that on Monday we shall make snouts. The zoo is having some sort of pig fest and animals in spring training. I know your all jealous. Who wouldn't want to be close to this uh lovable creature. It makes me giggle and a bit nervous. I just hope the damn thing doesn't try to eat me.

My working out is coming along great lately. Since I was told to cut back I find that I am actually enjoying myself instead of forcing myself to the gym. I am excited that the time of year is coming where I can take my pale self outside to soak up some sun. Oh thats right you all have no idea how pale I am. My butt could blind people. It is whiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiite. Usually by august I pick up a bit of color but this year I'm hoping to not look quite so dead a bit sooner. Having fair skin and light hair makes me prone to burn and freckle instead of tan so I take whatever I can get. I checked out a book today of waterfalls around here so I can make a map of where we want to hike this year. I really can't wait. Beats the smelly gym anyday.

So the phone call with Dr. M ended up with him calling me a wus and making my appointment for my hsg anyway. Yes, he's a special kind of doctor. So if all goes well and my dumb uterus cooperates it looks like Tuesday the 11th will be it. I admitted to my husband I was nervous with all that is fixing to happen and he said he is too. But then he smiled and said he's excited at the same time. Is it because they aren't shoving things into him? I mean I love him and all but all he had to do was give a semen sample. Lucky schmuck

Sneaky bastard

Usually I post something about it being time to mate here in the fatty household and since I have started keeping track of mucus and temps I was always right. Until now. That sneaky bastard came early! 4 days early. I didn't even get to pee on anything. I even had an oh so clever pic of an egg to post but stupid blogger isn't cooperating. Oh well, now time to wait.

In the meantime we've decided instead of going out of state for our summer vacation this year we are going to just travel around here in oregon and see all it has to offer. So yep, we'll be looking at trees. I think the beach, crater lake, and maybe a trip to the eastern side will keep us occupied for a bit. Now I'm trying to make plans for spring break. My son has next week off and weather permitting I think we are going to take the light rail down to the zoo. Thats the plus about living in the city. Public transportation here rocks. And parking at places like the zoo is scary. Its about 400 cranky moms in hugs ass suv's fighting for 2 spots. I'd rather take the max and read. Besides that I'm not really sure what we will be up to. My son wants to make fortune cookies so we might give that a go. I should put a fortune that says it is wise to empty the garbage every day in my husbands cookie.

I heart sweats

I have never been a very dressy person. Truth be known my favorite article of clothing is the sweats I have on now. I don't get my hair done, and really don't care much for makeup. We just found out that my husband will be part of an awards ceremony next month and it is a dress up event. I have a hard time finding jeans and t-shirts. The search for a dress may just drive me over the edge. Will I be able to find something that fits my boobs without making my butt look non existant? Will I look like mrs. claus if I decide to go with something red? Do I have to try 600 on to find the right one? I know the answer to that one is yes already. My husband is excited and actually offered to take me shopping once again. Yes, I know that was brave of him. He knows that shoe shopping will be involved to, but is still wanting to go. $20 says by the third hour he will think of a reason to end up at a sports bar.

Today I thought about buying another digital camera. I have one, I just never use it. I find the delay between pressing the button and the actual picture being taken annoying as hell. I like to take pics of things in motion, and just haven't found a digital one I actually like. I think my blog readers have also been saved by the fact that I don't have one many times. I can picture myself posting pics of mucus and stray hairs. That does sound like fun. I might just have to get one! Any reccomendations for digital cameras that aren't shit?

Moving on

My husband and I had an interesting coversation today over lunch. I guess when I was morbidly obese I didn't notice people not seeing me because I was trying with all my might to fade away. Now people see me. Men see me. My husband sees men see me. He is having a hard time adjusting to that at the moment. He is not jealous. Just caught off gaurd. He is proud of me and tells people how hard I have worked, but at the same time doesn't really know what to do when people say I look good. I've noticed he holds me a little tighter and holds my arm close to him instead of just my hand. I really don't know how to respond to people yet either. The other day I went for a walk on the golf course and was suprised when almost everyone that walked past me smiled and said hello. Looking back I don't think its because I'm not as fat anymore. I think that its a change in confidence. I don't know if people smiled at me before because my head was always cast down as I was trying to fade into the surroundings.

How we went from that convo to my uterus I'm not sure, but it happened. I am calling tomorrow to schedule my hsg which I should have had long ago. The problem is I'm nervous about getting dye shot into my girl parts. I really prefer things like that just stay away from my crotch area all together. Anyway, if that comes back clear we will go in and decide where to go from here. Dr. M has suggested we skip clomid altogether because of my horrible experience before and move on to "other" options. In other words my husband will be stabbing me in the butt every night with a needle. I know whats coming. Buttholes. I have even decided to try iui if it is needed. So what made me change my mind? My husband. Sometimes I forget how desperate he is for a baby too. As the years have gone by his friends have had 1,2, or even 3 kids and now he is feeling the emptiness. I guess I have learned how to deal with it, but I really don't want to see him go thru it.

I'm really just scared. Its not finances or medical issues, its just me and my 40 ton bag of fear. What if we move on to iui or ivf and we fail? What then. This is the last resort and then what? And I thought losing weight was hard..

Sorrow

Today we went to the funeral. It was heartbreaking, and I don't believe I have ever seen such sorrow. The shoulder of my dress was soaked from the tears of my husband and I tried to be strong for him but I just couldn't do it. Seeing them in their caskets was too much. I hope and pray that their father can find peace after losing his brother, ex wife and two children.

There was a lot of young men there today that were at my nephews funeral too. I hope, no I pray, that after all of this they can think of ways to resolve their problems in peace. I don't know if I can go to another funeral. I just don't think I can.

I have no words

This will be the fifth set of funerals we have go to this year over violent bullshit. I am so tired of watching children being buried.

**I have taken the link down until the family is done greiving. The dad is a very close friend of my husbands and the children were beutiful happy kids. This is basicly a love triangle gone wrong. There were so many clues and signs but they were all ignored, I really just don't know what else to say. This family has had many problems in the past but we were hoping they were all over. All I know is that my heart is breaking for them now.

Smashed

What moon songs

Do you sing your babies

What sunshineDo you bring

Who belongs

Who decides who’s crazy

Who rights wrongs

Where others cling

I’ll sing for you

If you want me to

I’ll give to you

And it’s a chance

I’ll have to take

And it’s a chance

I’ll have to break

I go along

Just because I’m lazy

I go along

To be with you

And those moon songs

That you sing your babies

Will be the songs

To see you thru

I’ll hear your song

If you want me to

I’ll sing along

And it’s a chance

I’ll have to take

And it’s a chance

I’ll have to break

I’m in love with you

I’m in love with you

I’m in love with you

I’m in love with you

So in love

The wind down

I'm at a funny spot right now. And no, I don't mean a comedy club. Although that would be nice right now. I am getting dangerously close to my goal. Less than 20lbs away, which makes me wonder if I have set my goal to high. Should I set it to 145? I think I should wait until I get there and see what happnens. Maybe when I hit 150 I should burn my scale and bury the ashes with the ashes of my fat clothes. Or blowing it up would be quite nice. But truth be told I know myself, and that scale will sit in its spot waiting to be called into action.

Last night my husband and I went out to a fabulous dinner at one of the most romantic spots I know. We dined on indian food and way to much wine. I ate without guilt and enjoyed my dinner and wasn't so preoccupied with the food that I actually had a conversation with my other half. Thats why I love this place. Its not somewhere you take kids, and its small and intimate. As we were talking I asked him how he felt the day I came clean with him. You know, the day I sat him down and said, "honey, you married a fatass. I really weight 240 lbs". He was shocked, not that I weighed that much, but that I had finally said it out loud. See we women think we are smart by lying about our weight, but can I tell you something? Men aren't stupid, they know how much we weigh, they just play along so they don't lose boob privledges. There is a freedom in not hiding anything. But I'm getting off the subject. I'm in a good spot body image wise right now. So lets do a round up huh? Haven't done one since October I think....

So far -72lbs

Measurements
Neck then-16 now-13.5 so that is -2.5 in
Boobs then-51 now-39.75 so thats -11.25 in
Waist then-48 now-37 so thats -11in
Hips then-48.5 now-38.5 so thats -10in
Thigh then-26 now-20 so thats -6in
===========
Total -40.75 inches

Thats a big change when you consider it has happened in under a year. For me I know I started this so I could have a child, but even if I don't get to have another baby I am so glad I did this.

Alone

Tomorrow my husband and I will be all alone. We have been looking forward to it for a while and had all these plans but mother nature has decided to crap on us so now we are just thinking a nice dinner and maybe some wine. Its nice to go out and just be able to sit there and talk. I really love the times we just get to sit and enjoy each others company. Then for some reason I started thinking about Sandy who is over at the pea patch . It must be the hardest thing in the world to be a military wife. Just the not knowing would make me insane. Its not just a commitment from the man who is serving but also his wife and children. When I read some of her post about how she misses him, or things that remind her of him it makes me sad and amazed. I wonder if it is strange to see somene after so long, but yet feel so intimate with them at the same time.

It took me a long time to even learn to like my husband. We aren't exactly what you would call a likely pair, and most people feel free to tell us that. It has been the first time I have ever experienced racism. And yes, I'm white. But when you marry into an asian family, especially s.e. asian you better not be white. Its an odd thing to hear people ask my husband why he married a white girl, why he settled for someone not in his class. The terms white devil and blue eyed ghost are my favorite. But dare I ask the obvious question? If they hate whites so much why did they fight so hard to come to America? Did they expect America to be full of something besides americans?

Wow, I totally went off course. Sushi. I think we will go out for sushi tomorrow.

Titles are for nerds

The last week or so I have been bitching to my husband to take me up to the snow because I needed a break, just get out of the city for a few hours. I wanted snow. So last night at 1:30 the phone starts ringing and my heart races as the worst things in the world run thru my mind. Between the time it took my hand to get to the phone my mind had already imagined robbings and accidents. It was just my husband who told me to come outside he had a gift for me. I went outside and guess what....it was snowing. Yep, in march. That is nuts. But it was beautiful. Guess all the bitching paid off.

I am thinking I need to overhaul this little old blog of mine. Black is fine, and of course it is slimming. Since I have slimmed a bit I am tempted to (gasp) bring some color here. I will play around with it and see how it goes. I can admit all I know about computers is how to turn one on, so I really don't know how to design a template. I need to redo links and list and all sorts of other crap. Since I've got nothing to do today besides bloat I might actually get around to it.

Enlightenment

Today is being brought to you by the number 12. Why you ask? It's not because thats the size jeans I wear now, or anything like that. Its because I have a hatred for the number 12 that runs so deep I dream about it. I am obsessive about my ovaries now and so I chart my temps every damn day of my life. Fun stuff. I know, get to the point. Well 12 days after ovulation I can tell you if we are pregnant or not. You know why? My temps like to do what I call the drop of death. I think it would be funny if it didn't piss me off so much. The herbs seem to be working well because it appears that for once in my life I am actually having a 28 day cycle. Blah.

So last night after looking over my chart I drifted off into what I assumed was going to be a blissful sleep. HA! My dream started out so beautiful. It was summer and I was running outside and I started going up this hill. I could feel the warm air and see all the flowers blooming. I noticed a dark cloud coming at me and so I tried to switch my path, but could only run forward. The clouds got closer and the back corner of it was totally black and detailed. It was a babys face. When it got right above me I heard the crack on the ground before I realized what was happening. I felt the electricity from the lightning surge thru my body. The jolt was so fierce it picked me up and thru me onto the road where a truck with a big red 12 was charging right at me. I don't know if I was hit by the truck because thats where I woke up. But yeah I hate 12s.

Pity

This is the conversation that took place in the fatty house hold this morning...

husband: I opened your closet and theres only one pair of jeans and two shirts in there. What happened to all your clothes?

Me: We burned them remember

husband: So you really have nothing

Me: Kind of looks that way

husband: Okay then, lets take you shopping

Yeah you heard it, my husband OFFERED to take me shopping. So I agreed and after brunch off we went. We went to 6 different stores and spent 5 hours looking for clothes and guess what I got. One pair of pants. It is hard to find pants that fit well if you are under 5'6''. He was a good sport and drank three cups of coffe and two cokes to try to keep up, but in the long run I took him home and finished up alone. I didn't buy much because seasons are fixing to change and I don't want to buy a bunch of winter stuff right before summer. I did however, try on lots of things I plan on grabbing later.

I found out that I'm a 12 now. I have officially cut my starting size in half. That made me do a bit of a happy dance in the dressing room. My husband however is still recovering in his lazy boy with the help of a beer and some sports tv.

Booya

Okay now that I've used about 3000 gallons of lyson and my son has stopped crapping himself we are slowly returning to normal.

I seen a bumper sticker on a car today that said fat is the new black. O k a y . Is a sticker supposed to let us know that she is okay with treating herself like crap. Is it supposed to make us think she is happy? I'm not sure what to think, but I know I was amused by the fact that next to it was a sticker that said don't lie to kids. And she was eating a doughnut while she was driving. So much to say. Haha, lets leave all that alone.

I'm trying not to focus on the fact that I am 8 days past ovulation and my boobs feel like someone ran them over. I refuse to give into the fact that I have a slight hope of being knocked up. I will ignore all signs until I either start to bleed or give birth.

I noticed a disturbing trend lately. It seems that weight loss equals wife loss around here. Every woman I know that has lost a big amount of weight has left their husband. Is it that as large women they settled for anyone who would love them, or in a new body do they feel that they are better and deserve better. I have no desire to leave my husband. He loved me heavy for who I was and now loves the lighter version of me. He understands my hatred of having my hair done and makeup. He has felt the rolls and stayed. How I ask, can you find anyone better than that.

Ugh

Wtf do I live in the middle of germville? After getting done with ear infections, colds and the flu my son went to school okay and came home with strep. Oh, and that spawned another ear infection. Can anyone say yipee?

So I'm strapped for time but I really will update soon. I have all sorts of thoughts roaming around in my head and despretely need to update my blogroll, but for now I've got to play snot wrangler