The title that never came to me

Okay so I am a little paranoid about posting pictures on the net. Heres my first step. Get it, feet....step. Okay um this is one of our pictures from the beach. Can you tell my husband is a little more tan then me? Actually I keep forgetting that we are a biracial couple until people point it out. He's asian and Im white. The only people that seem to point it out are asian women who wonder why he is with a fat lady. My ankles look thin in that picture. His feet look all monstorously distorted though.

My ovaries and the rest of my body seem to be getting along today. My brain and my stomach have decided against going bread free. I just need it. I guess I'll do it the hard way (big eyeroll) and just eat right and exercise. 80 minutes of exercise my ass! Haha I pounded my fist at that. Does sex count as cardio? Because it should, especially in the summer. I should ask someone about that. Or maybe I should just hop everywhere. Hmmmmmmmm the options are just infinite. I could just go to the park and play. Now that sounds tempting. Except the fact that its dark. I suppose running from a mugger would count as cardio. Maybe I'd get bonus points for crapping my pants too. Yeah I think I'll just go swim tomorrow.

An amazing thing happened today. I was in walgreens waiting for my pictures to be developed and I was just wondering up and down the aisles. I didn't think about or pick up any kind of stick to pee on. No ovulation kits, no pregnancy test. And it felt good. I am really not AS obsessed as I have been. I just um kind of think it will happen. And if it doesn't we will pursue it in about a year. Thats how long we would need to save up for more expensive stuff like ivf or whatever.

Something in my house stinks. Really BAD. And I have cleand and cleaned and cleaned. I think its something under the house. Something that is dead maybe cause it is awful. Now the hard part is talking my husband into going under there. He can be a wus sometimes. But he always kills spiders for me so it evens out. I love that man probably more than he knows.

Jesus H Christ its HOT

Okay okay I know its summer, its supposed to be hot. But the last few days have really been making me irritable. And I'm from arizona! GEezadlkfjoladfvahdsfaklfjdl;akjd'fklajdsfasdfka'fjvklajsfdgklfjds......
Okay so I'm sweating in my chair and its making little creepy fart type noises every time I move. Its quite entertaining actually. Why don't I just turn on the air conditioning you ask? I dunno. I will. When I leave for the gym. I am using it as my motivation. No cool air until I go bust a move. And hahahahahaha at the site of two people having sex on a hot day. Caught a glimpse in the mirror and lets be honest folks. It was NOT pretty. Um the meal I had today at lunch probably totalled about 20 points. But it was worth it, I love vietnamese food. And it doesn't really matter since I've only been eating about once a day anyway. Or does it. I'm making excuses and I know it. FINE I'll get that stupid weight watchers calculator back out tomorrow.

I finally got to catch up on some of my blog reading today. I'm jealous of the progress some of you are making. But uh yeah. Okay. MY DAY WILL COME! (knocks on wood). The metformin seems pleasant today. No sounds of thunder coming from my innards so maybe its over. And I feel better today. Like I can get shit done or something. I'll be back after the gym cause 5 more minutes in here will make me melt.


****Okay its later um around 9 I think. I went to the gym and got all sweaty. And then I went and bought candy. And I'm making macaroni tonight. Ugh. Anyway as I read and read the billions of articles out there about pcos I'm seeing a disturbing trend. Low carb diets. I shiver at the thought. See I'm a pasta and bread girl. But is that the problem? I eat rice, a LOT of rice. I don't know if I can give it up, and if rice makes us fat why are asians so skinny. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. So I am asking for anyones feedback. I feel I should give it a shot. My mom is diabetic too so yeah I know I should. But no more bread :(. How will a girl manage?

I see a lot of people get relief from a lot of their symptoms that way. Maybe I should give it a go. I heard it makes your breath stinky thou. Blah, what am I saying. I'm going to do it. But if I start to stink I will drop it SO fast.

Moooooooooooooooooody

God it sucks to be back. I was suprisingly wisked off to the coast for the weekend and had a fabulous time. Oh it felt good to get away. You want to know what felt even better? Leaving my diet in the city. And I suprised my self by not gorging. I just kind of ate what everyone else was having. Including some smores at the campfire. But its all a memory now. It was a nice suprise. Now I just have to finish making plans for our august vacation. Mmmmmmmmmmmmm vacation.

So for those of you with inquisitive minds this is cycle day 4. Which means I have the poos from the metformin and serious mood swings from the clomid. Yes thats right, my husband is a lucky lucky man. I'll be back later, I feel the need to go beach myself for a bit.

Yay for fridays

This has been a long week. A really long week. And today is a long day, a long boring day since it doesn't seem safe to go more than 14 feet from my bathroom. Don't get me wrong, its fun and all but I hope the stomach upset doesn't last too long. I am pulling a lazy day out of my hat. I am doing nothing. ABSOLUTELY nothing today.

I keep having these dreams that I'm pregnant. Last night I was dreaming that I was in labor. I could feel the pain in my sleep ( that really sucked) but it was weird because I kept screaming my baby wasn't kicking. I dunno what it means, but I think its a sign that maybe I am/was a little to focused on my broken uterus. We tried jump starting it, coaxing it, even bought gifts but no. Shes a stubborn bitch and her "friends" falopian and ovary aren't too nice either. But I have to admit that not focusing on calendars and cycle days has been ummmmm very good for our sex life. Hahah now I'm just babbeling about anything. Now if you'll excuse me I must go spend some more time in my potty

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Okay so its now much later in the day, and I must say that dateline was really amusing tonight. I loved the youngest bride who was just too much of a weiner to even do an at home fitness tape. It made me feel good even on my laziest day in months. We went and rented some movies and tried to pick up quick stuff for dinner. I even went as far as to buy some healthy choice frozen dinners. But when I got home I just stared at the box. I have never really been able to eat frozen dinners. There is something kind of creepy about them. I just keep trying cause it would make my life a lot easier. Instead I ended up making chicken and soup. I think tonight I will try to make my husband eat one. Hahahahahahahaha. That will NEVER happen. I remember when I was a teenager I thought that frozen food was rich people food. The only time we had it was when my mom somehow made some money. That wasn't very often considering most her money went to cigarettes. Or we would go to taco bell. That was our "treat". Now my mothers triglycerides are over 900. Yeah I know. So just when I was thinking about using full fat cheese in my soup I stopped. I tried to imagine how scary it would be if my heart stopped. I never want to know that feeling. I'm okay with bitching my way thru gym sessions and salads if thats what it takes to avoid it.

On a non fitness note I would like to offer a reward to anyone who can catch whatever dog is shitting in my yard. See we have cats beacuse, well, cats poop in a box. But theres a lot of dogs in our neighborhood and one ( that seems to be VERY large) likes to poo in front of my flower garden. There must be some kind of buried treasure there because its in the same spot every damn time. And I get all fanatical about it and try to catch the dog by spying out the widow or trying to sneak outside at night. Somehow we always miss each other. So short of putting out a bear trap all I can do is ask for help on around the clock pooper duty. Yes I am very aware that I need a hobby.

ONE MORE DAY till the weekend!

Okay so I'm upset that my unky mood is gone. Did this happen to anyone else? It seems to have disappeared over night. I should just find a new mood thingy, but I liked unky. Anyway. Picked up my metformin today and will start taking it tonight. I decided to take it whenI could stay at home for a few hours cause I heard it can have some quite unpleasant ummm bowel effects. I think things like that are best when I am at home. I had a really good workout today. I ran like the wind for like 60 seconds. Actually I did intervals on the tredmill, one minute full blown run, two speed walking. Then some rowing and some eliptical. No weights today I'm still to sore from attempting pull ups yesterday. Next time I even think about it I hope someone slaps me.

Besides that I'm just kind of blah. I need to finish cleaning but the motivation is just not there. I don't know how our floors get so dirty every day. Seems like I sweep up a bucket of crap each day. And I need to dust. OH the JOY. I just kind of feel like staring at the wall for a bit. Maybe staring at the tv, and then staring at the wall again. I do not feel like mopping or dusting. Actually I would like to be sipping colodas in tahiti right now.

Just another wednesday

This is the only picture I've ever found that truly looked like me. Well I have a few more teeth but you get the idea. I made it thru the night without eating everything in sight, although I will admit that my stomach was growling so loud last night. I ate a few orange slices but it didn't help much. The amazing thing is that when I had breakfast today I stopped before it was gone. I was full. Its a new experience for me really. I'm one of those who could eat for hours and not really feel full. I think it was all the abuse my stomach was taking. Now I can actually feel when I'm full.

So I am just sitting here waisting time until I go to the gym. Kind of a lazy day. Taking my husband a picnic lunch at work tonight is pretty much the biggest part of my day today. My son is gross. I know he's a boy and its to be expected and all that. But today after he used the bathroom he came in and bent over and said "Mom is my butt clean". I should have never looked. Oh it was awful. I'm just glad no one was here. I just finally got him to understand why picking your nose isn't really all that great, so now I think we need to work on peoples personal boundries about bathroom related issues.

I have a friend who is pregnant. And I don't hate her. Okay I do but only a little. It only took her three weeks! But I told her its only out of jealousy and it will pass. But I take joy knowing that she is growing bigger as I'm growing smaller. Its not a bitter thing, I just think its funny. I used to have a friend who had 4 kids all by different dads, and she was skinny. She was pretty too. But I don't know what happened to her. Last I heard she was on welfare somewhere out in the boonies of oregon. I wonder what life like that is like. It must be hard to be alone. Don't get me wrong I'm all for womens independance and all that stuff, but its still easier when you have a mate for support. Maybe I should try and contact her, see how her life is working out.

Almost gym time.... time to go put on my tennis ball yellow running shorts. I know they are ugly but they are oh so comfy. Okay and they were on clearence too. I need to get an mp3 player to take to the gym but I'm new to all that stuff so I don't know which one is best. Anyone have any recomendations? Nothing too fancy, just something loud enough for me not to hear my fat flapping.


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Okay its 10 at night and its time to get ready for bed. Mhm, thats not going to happen tonight. I'm busy making some music mixes. What do you guys listen to? My music list looks like I need medication or something. Maybe I do. Probably. Oh while I was at the gym today (trying to ignore the image of my flapping around in the mirror) I mentaly made a list of all the things that do not help me right now:

• That skinny chick two rows up eating while shes on the treadmill
• The guy next to me who can't keep his eyes off her tiny ass
• The smell of someone on the bikes. MY GOD it was bad
• Watching the personal trainers share a bag of doritos

Besides that it was a good workout. I need to take my music thou and I've given up on my discman. Maybe this weekend I will go mp3 shopping. We took my husband lunch today (steak and all sorts of stuff I'm not eating right now) and I was good and stuck to my yummy chicken salad type thingy. While we were eating I started talking about how I want to go back to work..this was the conversation that followed

Me: I found a place that I really like, I think I should apply

Him: Great, but don't forget about our vacation

Me: I didn't, but I can't promise I will get that week off no matter where I work

Him: Okay then, if your hired you can just quit when its time to go on vacation

Me....the biggest eyeroll you've ever seen

See this is the on going conflict. I want to work, and according to our finances I really need to. And hubby seems all on board until I actually have to leave the house. Then its amazing how many reasons he can come up with to keep me at home. He will have to get over this eventually. But I might just relax the rest of the summer. Focus on de flabbing my ass for a bit. MMMmmmmmmmmmmm can't wait until vacation time!

Okay then

Well I just kind of blogged and dashed earlier. But I had to go have some stuff done. Its kind of odd that I feel better knowing something is wrong with me. But now it seems like I can start moving forward. I guess the first line of action is metformin so I'll do some research on it tonight.

We went to silver falls yesterday and spent the entire day playing in the water under the boiling sun. It was nice just to kind of get out and not really have to think about anything besides sunscreen. And of course I totally blew my diet. But kfc was just screaming my name. My son (who is almost 6) is starting to get a little chunk around the edges. Not obese or anything but I think he's had a few too many corndogs. So he ate what I had for dinner tonight (6 points) and he loved it. I can't really eat frozen food so I had to do a lot of reading and weighing of food before I cooked but I think I understand the basics. I want this to be a healthy thing, not just for me, but my family too. I worry about our health. Especially because my mother has EVERY damn ailment under the sun. Copd, emphasema (is that spelled right?) diabetes, congestive heart disease, and so on and so on. I quit smoking almost a year ago (YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!) and started exercising but I think that diet is a huge part of all her diseases too. I don't want to be that fat lady who can't play with her kid at the park. I don't want to be sick. So I just have to kick my ass in gear.

I walked to the store today since I couldn't make it to the gym. But I still don't feel like I did much so I may flip on fit tv tonight and maybe do some dork aerobics. I only call them dork aerobics because I caught my reflection in the mirror during a work out once. Not pretty. I want to join in on the step class at my gym but I'm so intimidated. I don't want to trip or pass out half way thru. I can just imagine me tripping over my own fat and falling. But I'm like that at the gym. You know, last kid picked for baseball syndrome. At first I was afraid to run becuase it sounded so loud, but I just learned to turn my discman up. Now I can weigh myself when other people walk by, but I think I need more time to work up to the step class. I LOVE my gym because they have soo much to do and great childcare and even kid fit classes! I love to watch them do yoga. So now I have it all right? A gym, a diet, motivation. Okay lets set this bitch on fire!

2 4 6 8 I have pcos isn't that great!

Okay well pardon my excitement. But for once it feels good for them to actually tell me whats going on. Things make sense now. I feel so much better. Oh thank god. Now I know theres not some evil gnome in my ovaries eating all my eggs.

I have dirt in my nether regions

I love yardwork. I'm sick that way. I have four different kinds of hoes, three shovels and a wide assortment of little digger thingies. Since it was nice today we decided to really get some stuff done. You want to know what we discovered in the far corner of our yard? A mouse. Not just and ordinary mouse. This one looked like it had been on steroids since clinton was president. And when I screamed it just stopped and stared. Then my husband cut it in half with a shovel(eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwww). Besides that I was happy to see my yellow tomato plants are doing great and my lettuce looks soooo good. I can't wait to eat them.

Speaking of eating (ahem) I am going to go to a ww meeting on monday. See what its all about. I don't know if its all about points or whatever but I am willing to find out. Why the sudden urge to really get this going? I seen my reflection. In a store window. I know what I really look like to other people now. WIDE. Not ugly or skanky. Just wide and plentiful. I just can use some support maybe. I'm a little weirded out about weighing in in front of people too. I know its a "supportive" environment, but still the urge to laugh at the scale moaning when I jump on it would be hard. But I can't knock myself, I lost 20 on my own. Now I think I'll go eat.

Bugger

Okay so its 4 a.m. and I haven't slept yet. I can't, I might not ever sleep again. So when my husband got home from work we had a nice talk. I just explained to him that I feel like its too much right now. I need to get myself out of this infertility hole I've dug around me. So we decided to stop. In January we will determine if we want to try again. And then he just looked at me and said " you know its funny, I always thought I would have a lot of kids." Talk about a stab to the heart. But I believe we will try when winter is over. I want to enjoy my summer. Im still sad, and slightly irritated that almost EVERY woman in walmart tonight looked like they were about to deliver right then and there. But I feel better.

I fully believe (despite my doctors objection) that my weight is a big issue in all of this. At one point when I was eating right and exercising I was actually bleeding on my own. Then suprise, along came my son. So we will see. I want to drop 30 lbs. See if my cycles will start back up then. If not I may restart treatment, or I may just take the money and run off to jamaica for a bit. Where was I? Oh yeah, getting the fat off my ass. I'm even thinking about joining weight watchers. I notice a lot of bloggers jumped on that band wagon. I will now obsess about my fat....all the time. Woohoo! As I read thru all these blogs I am amazed at the strength and courage some of you have. I revel in the honesty and find myself feeling not so alone. I guess that is the point to all of this.

So I have set some goals for myself for next week. Lets make bets on which ones I actually do.

1. Research healthy eating plans
2. Hunt down at least three job leads
3. Give my husband a much needed massage, and then ask for one in return
4. Have non ovulatory relations hehehe
5. Actually break a sweat at the gym 4 times. No quitting after 15 minutes
6. Start looking into hobbies to fill my need to eat time in the evening

I'll be satisfied with 4 out of 6. Wow I still wonder how I ended up here. I married a man I never pictured myself with, bought a house I hated at first, gave up my sports car for a minivan, quit a good paying job to stay home, went from a normal human being to someone who cries when a pregnant woman waddles by. Hmm. I honestly always pictured myself married to Mr. A (for his sake he will remain nameless). We had something that I thought was really amazing when I was in the middle of it. I loved him, my first real love. I thought about marrying him and having 6 kids and having a huge house and a vacation home. You know what he thought about me? He thought of me as a good lay. That was it. He cheated on me with my friend while I was out in my car. He broke my heart. I hated him so much. And then I took him back. Then I hated him again because I couldn't stop loving him. I was his little whore he kept on a pedistal. Sure I was spoiled, but I was still a toy. I remember the day (3 years after it started) that I knew it was over. I got up the courage to mail back the ring and all the other gifts and told him I had moved on. And I did. I guess now he has a girlfriend that he treats just like he treated me. Its too bad, I know deep deep DEEP down inside he's a beautiful man.

Then I met Mr. K. Ugh. We had a passionate relationship. He lied to me, I lied to him but we mated like bunnies in heat. He was a chef and I was a chubby chic. What better combo could you ask for. I never introduced him to my family or friends. Mainly because I didn't think of him as a boyfriend, and partially because I was embarrassed. We were together for a few months, I started eating better and exercising and all that blah blah blah. And for once in my life my period started coming regularly. I didn't think anything of it until the day it disappeared. And then the vomiting started. And all I could do was cry. I didn't want to be with him and in fact had already broken it off. When I told him his only response was that I should have an abortion immediately. I couldn't do it though, and I went off on my own. I had a son and fell in love with him. He is such a beautiful child. But the ordeal with mr. K was not over yet. When my son was about a year old I contacted him ( I will never understand why ) and he seen my son a few times. Then he walked away. I was so angry at the time, but now I am so glad he did.

I met my husband where I was working at the time. I was a bit of an oddity. I had a child and a good job and was able to support us pretty well. But I struggled with being lonely. It was hard for me to deal with at times and I just felt like if I had someone to support me I would be so much happier. After a few hard years we made it to where we are today. In the burbs just tryin to be happy. I guess its not that bad. As a matter of fact I don't think I would have it any other way.

Well

I called my dr today to get my day 21 blood draw results. Only 5. Yeah, not good. But I don't understand. I had positive ovulation kits everywhere. Even the digital one! My body has deceived me again. But the constant flow of tears made me more resolved today. I am going to stop fertility treatments. I cannot do this to myself or my husband any longer. And the fact that I know its over is breaking my heart.

Ugh

Hello hello hello. Today is cycle day 24 and I am resisting the urge to pee on every stick I see. Now I know how dogs feel. All I can say is that I hope things worked and if not then we are thinking about taking the next step, whatever that might be. Anyway I'm not going to think about it. very much.....

I have to say that I have been saddened lately by the city I live in. I don't live in a wealthy part of town or in the middle of the city. I am a burb dweller. I live in an ordinary house on an ordinary street where people work hard and the men pass beers thru the fence on saturdays and talk about "souping" up their mowers. We have a nice little existance here. I garden on a regular basis to make our yard look beautiful, my husband does all the needed repairs, just like everyone else on the block. And then I started to see them. You know, the meth addicts. They can usually be identified by the marks on their face, sunken in cheeks and the inability to stand still or focus their eyes. And there they were. On the way to the grocery store, in line at the bank, behind me at the doughnut shop. I understand that portland is a huge meth mecca, but it just became real to me.

So in the spirit of keeping my neighborhood clean I will make this warning to all meth heads in my neighborhood

• NO I will not spare any change
• I do not have any "spare" metal to give you
• I will get a better alarm for my car so you cannot steal it
• I will tell my son not to talk to you
• I won't let you sit on my property for a "rest"
• I am not stupid and will not fall for your scams
• Go ahead, build a lab in our neighborhood and I (and everyone else) will be there with torches ready to burn it down

Its not that I don't have compassion. I do. If you want help great. I can point you in the right direction cause I have been there, but I will not let tweekers fester around me. END. OF. STORY.

On a happier note it has been beautiful lately. Not that my son would know because he has been in his room for almost three days. Yes I feed him and bathe him and all that good stuff, but until his room is clean there is no fun :(. I know that makes me mean. Go ahead, fill my email box with complaints. But I believe at this age he should be able to do it on his own. And he can and usually does. Lately he has just gotten into the entire "you can't make me" thing. And hes right. I can't make him. But I can make his life miserable until he does. He didn't even bat an eye when I took the tv away! Anyway I'm just babbeling now.

Poor bastard chicken

Okay so I have to say that I knew I was going to make a pig out of myself today I just wasn't aware of how piggish I would be. I got up today and went to the gym and when I got home we decided to go to lunch. We went to JinWah and I ordered the totally yummy crispy chicken (their lemon pepper sauce is amazing), and my husband had the veal and some onchoy. I almost finished the half a chicken. No I'm not kidding. I was three peices shy of finishing it. Then if that wasn't bad enough I ate a brownie the size of my head. So basicly I consumed about 4651654165431654684896 calories today! Yay me! I wonder why I'm fat. Haha. I don't have to turn to some crazy only eat meat or cabbage diet or some fat guy writing books to tell me why I weigh so much. I seen the reason today, and then I ate it.

I'm just totally stuck on my uterus right now. I won't test until wednesday or thursday, the hard part is just making it till then. I think I will go eat some more and watch tv.

Go ahead, howl, I know you want to

moon
Originally uploaded by fatty pants.

I have to admit that I have spent most my day in front of this little screen reading blog after blog after blog. I think that it is reassuring to know that we are not alone. I will finish this later tonight when I can stop crying.

Okay its almost one in the morning and I have returned. I was feeling great today and then I just got hit with this wave of depression. I don't know where it came from but it kicked my ass. Maybe it was from sitting inside all day. Who knows. Or maybe its because I'm starting to feel a little crampy. I don't want to allow myself to think its a pms symptom. I try not to dwell on the wicked little uterus too much but it does get to me. A lot. And it effects my diet. Go ahead, ask me how those two chocolate covered graham crackers were. They were yummy. And now with my fat stomach totally full of food I shouldn't have eaten I'm just kind of dazed.

My husband doesn't ease my stress most the time. He is what you call a guys guy and doesn't understand why I get depressed or hormonal or anything like that. But he is a good man so he takes me to buy chocolate which I made him swear he wouldn't do. He rubs my chest when my boobs get sore, gets the fan during hot flashes, holds me when I cry. He does all of this for me. But he still does not understand. I tried explaining to him that me being infertile would be like him being impotent. Women are here for one reason and I just can't get with the program. Speaking of programs did I mention that I hate Dr. Phil? Such arrogance, and a horrible haircut. How can he give dieting advice when he is fat? How can people take his advice? I feel the same about oprah thou. I know there are a lot of oprah heads in the world but I'm not one. Don't get me wrong, she has some pretty noble causes but I think that someone who can't understand why infertility hurts so bad must be pretty empty on the inside. I admire the fact that she went from blubber to her tiny little waist, but am I going to work out 8 hours a week? NO WAY. Okay I will get off of my oprah soapbox.

I discovered a great soup the other day. And since then I have eaten it twice a day. Its pretty light but Oh so yummy. I have it with some cheddar soy crisp and it seems to fulfill me. Not a bad deal either because its only $2.12. I am planning on trying their chicken stew next week. All I need is a new addiction. Its funny cause my favorite foods used to be taco bell and hershey bars. Now I hardly feel the need for those things. But I don't think the reason I binged so much when I was a teenager had anything to do with my food preferences. I think I was just lonely and had no motivation. What kind of motivation was I supposed to draw from a mother who had sponged off the welfare system for most her life. I had none. So I just kind of buried all that stuff. Sure my teachers told me I had potential and all that blah blah blah but it didn't matter to me. None of it did until I got to college. But thats another story all together. In highschool I didn't have any fat friends either. They were all thin and pretty. I was their fat friend. That was my lable. But that was a long time ago. No worries now right?

I would just like to say a silent little prayer for my egg right now............

Junked

pig
Originally uploaded by fatty pants.

I did my measurements today out of boredom. I've been going to the gym on a regular basis and TRYING to eat right. My husband bringing home brownies didn't help. But it seems to be paying off. I'm down to 219 now. and heres the grand total of inches:

Neck: 15.5 -.5

Bust: 48 -3

Waist: 47 -1

Hips: 47 -1.5

Thigh 24 -2

So its not that bad for being a week short of a month. I also ovulated this month. I could NOT believe it. There I was peeing on my next to last stick when I hit the smiley face jackpot. By the way I love the digital ovulation monitor thingy. LOVE it. Sometimes I think my mind wills lines darker than they really are. So now the wait. Its hard. I want to know now. But I am only 6dpo. The next 7 days will suck so bad. Ok then.

To all the people in London my heart goes out to you.