moon
Originally uploaded by fatty pants.
I have to admit that I have spent most my day in front of this little screen reading blog after blog after blog. I think that it is reassuring to know that we are not alone. I will finish this later tonight when I can stop crying.
Okay its almost one in the morning and I have returned. I was feeling great today and then I just got hit with this wave of depression. I don't know where it came from but it kicked my ass. Maybe it was from sitting inside all day. Who knows. Or maybe its because I'm starting to feel a little crampy. I don't want to allow myself to think its a pms symptom. I try not to dwell on the wicked little uterus too much but it does get to me. A lot. And it effects my diet. Go ahead, ask me how those two chocolate covered graham crackers were. They were yummy. And now with my fat stomach totally full of food I shouldn't have eaten I'm just kind of dazed.
My husband doesn't ease my stress most the time. He is what you call a guys guy and doesn't understand why I get depressed or hormonal or anything like that. But he is a good man so he takes me to buy chocolate which I made him swear he wouldn't do. He rubs my chest when my boobs get sore, gets the fan during hot flashes, holds me when I cry. He does all of this for me. But he still does not understand. I tried explaining to him that me being infertile would be like him being impotent. Women are here for one reason and I just can't get with the program. Speaking of programs did I mention that I hate Dr. Phil? Such arrogance, and a horrible haircut. How can he give dieting advice when he is fat? How can people take his advice? I feel the same about oprah thou. I know there are a lot of oprah heads in the world but I'm not one. Don't get me wrong, she has some pretty noble causes but I think that someone who can't understand why infertility hurts so bad must be pretty empty on the inside. I admire the fact that she went from blubber to her tiny little waist, but am I going to work out 8 hours a week? NO WAY. Okay I will get off of my oprah soapbox.
I discovered a great soup the other day. And since then I have eaten it twice a day. Its pretty light but Oh so yummy. I have it with some cheddar soy crisp and it seems to fulfill me. Not a bad deal either because its only $2.12. I am planning on trying their chicken stew next week. All I need is a new addiction. Its funny cause my favorite foods used to be taco bell and hershey bars. Now I hardly feel the need for those things. But I don't think the reason I binged so much when I was a teenager had anything to do with my food preferences. I think I was just lonely and had no motivation. What kind of motivation was I supposed to draw from a mother who had sponged off the welfare system for most her life. I had none. So I just kind of buried all that stuff. Sure my teachers told me I had potential and all that blah blah blah but it didn't matter to me. None of it did until I got to college. But thats another story all together. In highschool I didn't have any fat friends either. They were all thin and pretty. I was their fat friend. That was my lable. But that was a long time ago. No worries now right?
I would just like to say a silent little prayer for my egg right now............
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