Updates

I really don't post a lot anymore and its not because of a lack of things to say. Its just hard to. Its also hard for me to post comments to certain blogs because as much as I want to reach out it almost feels like being an imposter. Its hard to tell someone you can relate to their pain when I can feel the baby kick and they are still struggling for a bfp. Regardless of all of this I am finally going to update.

I have been feeling movement for a few weeks now and it is amazing. Seems to happen more at night when I'm trying to sleep so I just lay there and am completely amazed.

Cervix seems good @ 3.9 and tightly closed.

My morning sickness has turned to mind blowing fatigue and nipples that feel like razor blades are sticking out of them.

I'm very emotional. VERY emotional. Just ask my poor husband.

Oh yeah, that thing where I said I probably wouldn't have sex until close to the due date? I'm a total liar pants because just days after getting the clearance we started going at it like rabbits. I find it both amazing and odd the fascination my husband has with this new body of mine. Granted he is a boob and butt man and right now I've got plenty of both, but I thought it might weird him out. Makes me feel better about myself though, which I need considering my hair is in a constant frizz now and my skin looks like I just hit puberty.

Hmmmmmmmm, oh yeah, we had the 20w scan. I'm the proud owner of a penis and set of balls people. Proudly displayed right away. As a matter of fact the baby was scratching its bottom too. Seriously a perfect replica of mr. fatty. We did however have a hard time getting both views of the spine so I have to go back in two weeks. The tech said not to worry and that it was normal, but I think we all know I went into worry overdrive. Now I find myself in a 2ww of a different sort. I'm trying to remain calm. I have the best picture of the baby smiling at us. I will try and scan it in soon.

Nothing like a kick to the teeth first thing in the morning

I remember why I don't like morning news now. I'm sure everyone knows by now that britney spears' 16 year old sister is expecting. I'm just speechless.

The eve of the big 3 oh

Not much to say. I get the feeling 30 is going to be a good year for me. We are leaving for our getaway shortly. We will be letting our 8 year old in on our little secret. Will update with some pics when I return.


Oh and I recieved the traveling dvd. I will watch it and send it on when I return.

Gobble gobble

Today I did the unthinkable. I watched oprah. Really I just don't get it. I understand the excitement of a panini maker but is it really enough to make you shit yourself? Her favorite things really failed to impress me. Just because she has money doesn't mean she has great taste. That really gets back to the reason I dislike her so much. It seems that she is so condescending to everyone that is not a celebrity. It feels like the worlds biggest douchebag clique if you ask me.

I'm sure you all are getting ready for thanksgiving but since I am boycotting this year all I really need to get ready is a few magazines, some snacks and a comfy pair of jammies. I have no intention on going anywhere or doing anything. I'm going to sit at home and be greatful because right now I am the most greatful woman on earth. This time last year I was still in the shit hole of loss after my miscarriage. It is truly amazing what can change in a year. I am so glad I didn't give up. After years of waiting I finally feel this is our time.

But since I'm not going anywhere and am not cooking I REALLY want to know what all of you are making. Don't worry. Mr.fatty is bringing me back food. Lots of food. Well I take that back. I may make a pecan pie because I really just don't like anyone elses.

I would like to thank all of you. The support is just amazing. Its not like in real life where I have to watch my tongue. Here I can say what is on my mind. Every single time I have hit a rough spot its like the calgary comes riding in to help me make it through another day. So to all of you a big thank you.

Also while your at it, what are you thankful for?

Nada

I've gotten a handful of emails asking what I was up to. I can sum it up in two words. Not much. My days are a blur with the price is right and fig newtons. Occasionally I actually put clothes on and go do stuff, but I'm really starting to feel that brushing ones hair can be highly over rated. We still haven't told anyone so besides mr fattys golfing and all of you in here no one knows. I'm in a sort of hibernation until the 18w scan. Yes, its only 3 weeks and a few days away.

I did however get clearance to swim a few times a week so last week I journeyed back to the gym on family swim day and let me tell you it felt fantastic. I was a bit envious of everyone on the elipticals. They were there getting toned and I was floating around feeling my arms get flabbier by the second. So what did I do? Retail therapy of course. I actually ordered a maternity swim suit so I would no longer have that sausage stuffed into a way to small of a casing look. It should arrive today or tomorrow and I'm hoping me and my bat wings will be way more comfortable.

Thanksgiving is right around the corner and so is something else. Now I'll tell you guys but please don't tell anyone else. On the 30th I will be.....30. Funny thing is right now I'm not scared of the big 3 0 . I am however not making a big deal about it because there will be no big party this year. Instead mr.fatty is taking me to a nice hotel and treating me to some spa treatments. I'm so excited. Did I mention I love that man? Mmmmmmm back to thanksgiving. I will be skipping it this year for two reasons. One...I'm getting round and am not ready to make the anouncement...two...its at his sisters house and I just don't want to go. I am going to rent movies and wait patiently for my turkey sandwich.

Speaking of love......we have not had sex since the bfp. We probably won't have any until around my due date either. With all the bleeding issues we just aren't willing to chance it. Its very odd for us not to be sexual. It really does shine a different light on marriage. When we met we were together almost 6 months before anything physical happened and it reminds me of that time. Dinners out together are spent enjoying each others conversation without any kind of sexual tension at all. Tomorrow night is movie night and I don't even have to shave my legs.

so thankful for fridays

So I thought I would get up and post and read a bit while mr. fatty is playing golf. He is taking this rest up and don't do anything strenuous a bit too far, but I know its out of love. Thank you for all the comments and support. I am going to try to catch up on commenting this week. I'm reading, but haven't been able to return all the comments yet.

Well tuesday marks the second trimester for me. Yeah, thats a big milestone. Except for one thing. They have always said that spotting/bleeding is pretty normal in the first trimester and won't be too concerned until it occurs in the second. Hrm....I am indeed walking a fine line here. While the red bleeding has stopped I am still spewing forth an impressive amount of brown and blackish goo. My dr wants to see me tuesday and if things aren't clearing up in there I guess I'm going in for a pretty detailed u/s. Yeah yeah yeah. I know I once said that unexplained infertility was the worst thing ever. I am totally taking that back. While it does suck, the only thing that sucks more is unexplained bleeding in pregnancy. Is it sad I'm getting used to it?

Okay other things.....as soon as any of you get a bfp let me know. I will send you a bottle of colace. It will be your best friend.

Also rent a doppler. So worth it. I think it is what keeps me from losing my mind. Just this morning I was amazed at the little heart beating away in me. I was also a bit concerned because it sounds like there is some major construction going on too.

Halloween was fun.

Okay I've just got to get down to what is really bothering me. I was pregnant this time last year. I miscarried on the 6th. Its messing with my head. But really is also makes me wonder what changed. For 5 years we had no positives at all. Nothing. We tried so many things and timed it so well. But something had to have changed because I've been pregnant twice in the last year. So I want to know what it was. After so long why the sudden change?

So those are the things that keep me up at night. I'm going to start posting regularly next week. I really appreciate all the support. It makes me feel like maybe I'm not so crazy afterall.

Quick update

Well that was scary. I was still gushing at the ER. Enough for them to iv me up and prepare me for the worst. Top that off I had two pregnant nurses. Anyway. Baby is wonderful, seemed to be waving at us as a matter of fact. So while I'm freaking out and going crazy its nice to know its still comfy in there. They still don't know what happened. I spent forever at ultrasound so they could look for a subchronic bleed, or some blood pooled up under the placenta. Nada. What they do know is that prior to these bleeding episodes I feel a lot of pressure, so for the next few days I'm supposed to rest as much as I can and when/if I start to feel the pressure head in right away even if I'm not spotting. Is it possible I have such randomly bad luck? Okay back to the couch before mr. fatty gets upset.

wtf did I do

for the last week or so I have had a strict policy of not inspecting the toilet paper after using the bathroom. I have been feeling okay, happy, and even bought my first pair of maternity pants.

So last night while I was sleeping I was having really bad cramps. Woke up this morning to use the bathroom and looked down. Big mistake. I'm bleeding again, and this time its not just a bit of spotting, or some drops here and there. This is like my period. I listened to the heartbeat on the doppler and it is good so I'm not going to the ER tonight unless the bleeding gets heavier. I will wait until morning.

I'm really tired. This pregnancy has just worn me down. Why can't my body just do this right?

Will update after drs visit tomorrow.

****There are now clots and I'm heading to the ER. I can still hear a heart beat....I'm scared my body is killing my baby.********

My big fat stupid update

So I have had every test run you can imagine. Today luckily my wbc were back down to normal, and dr is pretty confident it was a weird fluctuation that can happen in pregnancy. Fine, I'm okay with that.

So off come the pants for another exam and she gathers up some of this discharge I've been having and runs off with it to check for bv. It is pretty common to spot while having bv I guess. So imagine my suprise when she came back in saying she was suprised at what she seen. I do not have bv. I do however have one major yeast infection. Huh. I have no itching. My discharge is watery and not at all cottage cheese like. So just to humor me she took another slide and off she went. Oh yeah, she said there is a ton of yeasty beasties in there. I'm just floored. I've never had one before so this is new but I thought the symptoms were much different then what I have. She usually recommends not treating until 12w but said I should start tx tonight. So off I went to the drugstore reading packages of crap I had no clue on. I picked the most popular 7 day tx and let me tell you I am not looking forward to using it tonight.

Now mr. google is kind of hit and miss on this subject. It seems it can cause spotting, but sometimes not. Well thanks for the help. It didn't help that I spotted after my appointment today but really at this point I think I'm over it. I'm ready to buy black toilet paper and call it a day.

The good news was that all is well with baby. Hb was 160 something at the office today. Mr fatty got to hear it tonight too. My doppler arrived and so I was anxious to show off my dopplering skills. I should come up with a nickname for this little invader. I should also put up a ticker. I'm aware of this. But somehow even though I have seen this little one and heard its beautiful heartbeat it still feels unreal.

Okay off to insert my yeasty beasty cream.

Aren't vaginas supposed to be personal?

Granted I've not always been kind to mine, but really this is getting rediculous. So far I've had 7 different drs up in there. No, not since starting treatment, thats since being pregnant. Tomorrow will be lucky number 8. I'm so over it I'm not even going to shave. You heard me, I'm going in stubble and all.

So lets recap what we do know so far. I've had spotting that just seems to come and go, the most recent episode was yesterday. My dr ran a crazy amount of test last week that are now starting to roll in and I seem to have an elevated wbc count. Also the ph of something was off. Not a UTI, not yeast. So tomorrow I go in for another spread so they can narrow down what kind of infection I have.

Also, tomorrow my doppler arrives! Nothing eases the mind of a spotter like a heartbeat.

I'll update tomorrow when dr. number 8 has her head out of my crotch.

Time to remember

Today is the day the world sets aside to remember the lost babies we think of every day. My loss is on my mind and heart every single day, but today it seems like its okay to be open about the remaining sadness. I still wonder every day what that baby would have looked like. Would it have the deep laugh of my husband or my soft one. Being pregnant doesn't ease the hurt. They are people and cannot be replaced or duplicated. So today I will put everything else aside and light a candle in your honor. You were so deeply loved even though your stay was short.

I am also thinking of all of you and your babies. There is no sense in the unfairness of life sometimes, but today we are not alone. Know that when you are honoring your baby/babies tonight the rest of us are there with you.

Phew

ALL IS WELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've been trying to update but blogger is being an ass.

We heard the heartbeat by doppler, and then she did an u/s just to ease my mind. There is a very active little one in there. As for the spotting it seems to be cervical. She ran tons of test and really wants to get to the bottom of this. I do too. The amount of cultures she took should be illegal. I should know more by friday.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. Mr fatty believes they are what gets us through.

I had a dream last night that I went to the bathroom and noticed there was blood on my panties. While I was sitting there I passed a sac. I plunged my hand into the cold water and pulled it out. Inside there was a tiny little baby with fat cheeks smiling at me.

I woke up to cramps. This afternoon when I went to the bathroom and wiped there it was. Red is never a good color my friends. I am terrified my baby has died. I have an appointment tomorrow. Its going to be a long night.

white noise

I have finally figured out why most pregnant bloggers fade off for a bit. They are scared shitless. Seriously waiting for the other shoe to drop really sucks. Well that and I must admit there is a part of me that remembers the hurt that can come from reading someones fluffy pregnancy moments. I can't even think of my own without feeling a bit odd. So here I am, totally constipated, feeling like I'm about to hurl, and still bitter. I found it odd that I still feel such hatred for other womens ovaries. I will blame it on horomones, but really I just think that the bitterness of if doesn't go away. Everything else just kind of fades off into the background. At 8w I find no safety in where I'm at right now. I may feel better once I hit 12 w. I did however dream that I went to an appointment and they were able to hear the heartbeat by doppler, and it was loud. REALLY loud.

On to other matters. It is apple season and usually we go pick apples but this year that was a no go. So I bought some apples from the store and they were horrible. Cardboard in an apples body. I was rather upset by this so dh will be spending his afternoon hunting down some decent apples. I'm not a snob (okay I may be...about certain things) but how do people eat unripe fruit????

Halloweener is not too far away. I have mixed thoughts on this. I will miss out on the annual taking the herd of teenage girls to the haunted house and scaring them shitless outing. I went last year but didn't know I was pregnant at the time. Oh yeah, its getting close to that time and I have no idea how I'm going to feel about it. Also, every year I take it upon myself to scare the boys too. Last year I actually hid in the back of a van dressed like a gorilla for 10 minutes and waited until everyone was all setteled in to pop up and scream. The terror on their faces was priceless. Candy was thrown and screams were probably heard in china. I so love the yearly festivities, and will miss them this year. I know I'm baking a little sidekick to help me with future scarings so I am willing to sit this out.

Did I mention I electrocuted myself the other day? Well the stove did actually, which made dh flip out and so our new stove will be here this weekend. YAY. I guess thats pretty much a summary of life in the fatty household right now.

what a week

Thank you all again for the support. I guess I have been a bit crappy on the updates but I was caught in a very odd place. The spotting stopped and the betas rose, but two times they failed to find a heartbeat. Yesterday the dr. that is filling in for mine just admitted she was horrible at it and sent me to the big guns. When I checked into the ultrasound department at the hospital my heart was beating so loud I could hardly concentrate.

They took mercy on me and called me back early. I had a nice u/s tech who only measured each ovary twice before we got to the good stuff. We did indeed find my little passenger, whos heart was beating at a beautiful 150 bpm. I haven't really checked with dr. google yet, but she assured me that it was great. I never thought I would make it 7 weeks, or see that little heart beating away. I am in total awe right now. And I know I have a lot of commenting to catch up on!