Quick update

Well that was scary. I was still gushing at the ER. Enough for them to iv me up and prepare me for the worst. Top that off I had two pregnant nurses. Anyway. Baby is wonderful, seemed to be waving at us as a matter of fact. So while I'm freaking out and going crazy its nice to know its still comfy in there. They still don't know what happened. I spent forever at ultrasound so they could look for a subchronic bleed, or some blood pooled up under the placenta. Nada. What they do know is that prior to these bleeding episodes I feel a lot of pressure, so for the next few days I'm supposed to rest as much as I can and when/if I start to feel the pressure head in right away even if I'm not spotting. Is it possible I have such randomly bad luck? Okay back to the couch before mr. fatty gets upset.

wtf did I do

for the last week or so I have had a strict policy of not inspecting the toilet paper after using the bathroom. I have been feeling okay, happy, and even bought my first pair of maternity pants.

So last night while I was sleeping I was having really bad cramps. Woke up this morning to use the bathroom and looked down. Big mistake. I'm bleeding again, and this time its not just a bit of spotting, or some drops here and there. This is like my period. I listened to the heartbeat on the doppler and it is good so I'm not going to the ER tonight unless the bleeding gets heavier. I will wait until morning.

I'm really tired. This pregnancy has just worn me down. Why can't my body just do this right?

Will update after drs visit tomorrow.

****There are now clots and I'm heading to the ER. I can still hear a heart beat....I'm scared my body is killing my baby.********

My big fat stupid update

So I have had every test run you can imagine. Today luckily my wbc were back down to normal, and dr is pretty confident it was a weird fluctuation that can happen in pregnancy. Fine, I'm okay with that.

So off come the pants for another exam and she gathers up some of this discharge I've been having and runs off with it to check for bv. It is pretty common to spot while having bv I guess. So imagine my suprise when she came back in saying she was suprised at what she seen. I do not have bv. I do however have one major yeast infection. Huh. I have no itching. My discharge is watery and not at all cottage cheese like. So just to humor me she took another slide and off she went. Oh yeah, she said there is a ton of yeasty beasties in there. I'm just floored. I've never had one before so this is new but I thought the symptoms were much different then what I have. She usually recommends not treating until 12w but said I should start tx tonight. So off I went to the drugstore reading packages of crap I had no clue on. I picked the most popular 7 day tx and let me tell you I am not looking forward to using it tonight.

Now mr. google is kind of hit and miss on this subject. It seems it can cause spotting, but sometimes not. Well thanks for the help. It didn't help that I spotted after my appointment today but really at this point I think I'm over it. I'm ready to buy black toilet paper and call it a day.

The good news was that all is well with baby. Hb was 160 something at the office today. Mr fatty got to hear it tonight too. My doppler arrived and so I was anxious to show off my dopplering skills. I should come up with a nickname for this little invader. I should also put up a ticker. I'm aware of this. But somehow even though I have seen this little one and heard its beautiful heartbeat it still feels unreal.

Okay off to insert my yeasty beasty cream.

Aren't vaginas supposed to be personal?

Granted I've not always been kind to mine, but really this is getting rediculous. So far I've had 7 different drs up in there. No, not since starting treatment, thats since being pregnant. Tomorrow will be lucky number 8. I'm so over it I'm not even going to shave. You heard me, I'm going in stubble and all.

So lets recap what we do know so far. I've had spotting that just seems to come and go, the most recent episode was yesterday. My dr ran a crazy amount of test last week that are now starting to roll in and I seem to have an elevated wbc count. Also the ph of something was off. Not a UTI, not yeast. So tomorrow I go in for another spread so they can narrow down what kind of infection I have.

Also, tomorrow my doppler arrives! Nothing eases the mind of a spotter like a heartbeat.

I'll update tomorrow when dr. number 8 has her head out of my crotch.

Time to remember

Today is the day the world sets aside to remember the lost babies we think of every day. My loss is on my mind and heart every single day, but today it seems like its okay to be open about the remaining sadness. I still wonder every day what that baby would have looked like. Would it have the deep laugh of my husband or my soft one. Being pregnant doesn't ease the hurt. They are people and cannot be replaced or duplicated. So today I will put everything else aside and light a candle in your honor. You were so deeply loved even though your stay was short.

I am also thinking of all of you and your babies. There is no sense in the unfairness of life sometimes, but today we are not alone. Know that when you are honoring your baby/babies tonight the rest of us are there with you.

Phew

ALL IS WELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've been trying to update but blogger is being an ass.

We heard the heartbeat by doppler, and then she did an u/s just to ease my mind. There is a very active little one in there. As for the spotting it seems to be cervical. She ran tons of test and really wants to get to the bottom of this. I do too. The amount of cultures she took should be illegal. I should know more by friday.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. Mr fatty believes they are what gets us through.

I had a dream last night that I went to the bathroom and noticed there was blood on my panties. While I was sitting there I passed a sac. I plunged my hand into the cold water and pulled it out. Inside there was a tiny little baby with fat cheeks smiling at me.

I woke up to cramps. This afternoon when I went to the bathroom and wiped there it was. Red is never a good color my friends. I am terrified my baby has died. I have an appointment tomorrow. Its going to be a long night.

white noise

I have finally figured out why most pregnant bloggers fade off for a bit. They are scared shitless. Seriously waiting for the other shoe to drop really sucks. Well that and I must admit there is a part of me that remembers the hurt that can come from reading someones fluffy pregnancy moments. I can't even think of my own without feeling a bit odd. So here I am, totally constipated, feeling like I'm about to hurl, and still bitter. I found it odd that I still feel such hatred for other womens ovaries. I will blame it on horomones, but really I just think that the bitterness of if doesn't go away. Everything else just kind of fades off into the background. At 8w I find no safety in where I'm at right now. I may feel better once I hit 12 w. I did however dream that I went to an appointment and they were able to hear the heartbeat by doppler, and it was loud. REALLY loud.

On to other matters. It is apple season and usually we go pick apples but this year that was a no go. So I bought some apples from the store and they were horrible. Cardboard in an apples body. I was rather upset by this so dh will be spending his afternoon hunting down some decent apples. I'm not a snob (okay I may be...about certain things) but how do people eat unripe fruit????

Halloweener is not too far away. I have mixed thoughts on this. I will miss out on the annual taking the herd of teenage girls to the haunted house and scaring them shitless outing. I went last year but didn't know I was pregnant at the time. Oh yeah, its getting close to that time and I have no idea how I'm going to feel about it. Also, every year I take it upon myself to scare the boys too. Last year I actually hid in the back of a van dressed like a gorilla for 10 minutes and waited until everyone was all setteled in to pop up and scream. The terror on their faces was priceless. Candy was thrown and screams were probably heard in china. I so love the yearly festivities, and will miss them this year. I know I'm baking a little sidekick to help me with future scarings so I am willing to sit this out.

Did I mention I electrocuted myself the other day? Well the stove did actually, which made dh flip out and so our new stove will be here this weekend. YAY. I guess thats pretty much a summary of life in the fatty household right now.

what a week

Thank you all again for the support. I guess I have been a bit crappy on the updates but I was caught in a very odd place. The spotting stopped and the betas rose, but two times they failed to find a heartbeat. Yesterday the dr. that is filling in for mine just admitted she was horrible at it and sent me to the big guns. When I checked into the ultrasound department at the hospital my heart was beating so loud I could hardly concentrate.

They took mercy on me and called me back early. I had a nice u/s tech who only measured each ovary twice before we got to the good stuff. We did indeed find my little passenger, whos heart was beating at a beautiful 150 bpm. I haven't really checked with dr. google yet, but she assured me that it was great. I never thought I would make it 7 weeks, or see that little heart beating away. I am in total awe right now. And I know I have a lot of commenting to catch up on!

Mmmmmmm booktour

Emilia often describes the intense physical and emotional connection between she and Jack. She often refers to him as her bashert. But after the loss of Isabel, and Emilia's spiral into solitary despair, that connection is damaged. This alteration is noted by Emilia when Jack declines her first offer of physical intimacy since their daughter's death. She becomes "terrified that I have become like Carolyn, cold to sex, unmoved by my husband, uninterested in the passion that once meant everything to me." What sort of relationship do you have with your significant other? Do you feel he/she is your bashert? What effect has IF/loss had on your emotional and/or physical relationship?

To be honest for a long time I wasn't sure that my husband and I were ment to be. We were in love sure, but a relationship takes so much more than that. It was going through IF and a loss that made me wake up to the fact that we were absolutely ment to be together. Sometimes it takes a lot of heartache and sorrow to see how strong your love and commitment really is. After our loss getting intimate was hard for me. I cried and felt empty. It took a while and a lot of love in order for it to feel right again.

Throughout the book my feelings towards Emilia were conflicted. If you felt that way too, why did you also feel that way?

It was hard to like her. My heart broke for her because I can't imagine the pain, but her coldness just irritated me. I've never read a character who could have me go from total sympathy to wanting to knock her out in under a page.

Emilia has a difficult time relating to other women who have had losses in pregnancy, usually because she sees her situation as different and worse than those women who have had miscarriages. She is particularly hard on her friend Mindy. Do you feel like this attitude was justified on her part? Are mothers of SIDs victims much different and worse off than mothers of miscarriages? Or can we all belong to the same support group?

I think that both pains are very real. I really don't think that can be in the same group. To me while a loss is a loss there is such a profound difference between being able to achieve and then losing and not being able to achieve at all. I don't think her attitude towards her friend was justified at all, but in moments of grief I know I have not always been the kindest either. I don't think one is worse than the other, they are just different.

We all have had someone in our lives like William who innocently says the wrong thing more often then we would like. How has your infertility experience helped you respond better to those "innocent yet wrong" comments/questions?

I don't really posess that ability which is why we don't really talk to anyone about it. We still get all the "isn't it kid time" or "have a kid already" comments and I have been so tempted just to get up on the table and scream at the top of my lungs that we are broken. We took years to concieve and then my body betrayed me and I lost it. I've always wondered what the response would be. Instead I just tell everyone we are waiting for the right time and smile politely. Its not their fault. They don't know.

The one where monday comes on sunday

First of all the numbers...and then I'll explain how I got them

Friday: 7,930
Sunday: 13,535
Doubling time 59.64 hours

Its supposed to double every 48 to 72 right? And those are good right?

Sooooooooooooooooo here we go. Friday I went to the bathroom and there was blood. Enough to change the toilet water red and so off to the ER we went. I was checked and she said my cervix was closed but really red and irritated. Friable cervix and whatnot. Ultrasound showed a sac and yolk but no heartbeat. U/s dated me to 5w3d, which was only a day or so off from the charts calculations. Should I be concerned there was no heartbeat so early? Anyway we came home and yesterday I didn't have a lick of spotting. Woke up this morning to red blood. Oh yes, RED. Went in and had a second beta done and the nurse (who had a miscarriage in august) was kind enough to give me the number so I didn't have to wait until tomorrow. They won't however run a progesterone test and I am freaking out. I will be at their office first thing and won't leave until something is done. I really don't care if I have to go to a new dr either. I want to know I did everything I could.

So now I sit here, spotting, waiting.

Welcome to the longest weekend in history

I should start by saying thank you for all your thoughts and prayers. They really mean so much to me.

The bleeding did stop. I am still crampy and scared. So I went in for the beta, but since its friday afternoon I have to wait until monday for my results. Now on sunday I have a repeat draw at a local hospital and I am going to try to pry todays results out of them. Funny how I went from blissfull to absolute psycho within 24 hours. Monday seems so far away right now.

Spoke too soon

I started bleeding tonight. I feel crampy too. I am scared and devastated.

5w3d

Not much else to say. Boobs are heavy and veiny but not all that sore. I'm not having nausea that is anything to really report. Just kind of feel like I ate too many shrimp and got on a boat. I am peeing a lot but I think its due to the billions of gallons of water I'm chugging each day. I finally got the nads to call and schedule my first ob appointment. YES, just now. Seems like October 10th will be the day. I have turned down offers for betas and early u/s. Yeah I'm sure I will kick myself in the ass later, but really all I think it will do is stress me out. For now I'm just enjoying the ride.

still at a loss for words

Well here's the pic you've all been waiting for

Oh wait, thats not it is it? Give poor darwin a break. He's been through a lot in the last few days too. But after his confirmation that my test are indeed getting darker I thought I could post one. It is fuzzy, but positive none the less.

According to my opk I am 13 dpo, according to charting I'm 12dpo. Either way I am starting to feel that flicker of hope. I am not stupid enough to believe that pregnancy = baby any more. Instead I have decided to enjoy this ride and love every second of this I get. My boobs aren't really all that sore, I'm not really all the tired, and the nausea comes and goes. But I am 100% in love with my little uterus attatchement already. Thank you so much for the congrats and prayers. They really mean so much to us.