Recovery

It has been a long month. I'm still not in a place of great mental health but it is getting better. My first cycle post miscarriage passed with little fanfare except a lot of spotting post ovulation. This cycle I made the decision to start the femara. Ready or not here I come. The day after I started taking my lovely little pills we got a phone call that a long time friend of my husbands had passed. Travelling out of state is never my favorite thing to do, but washington still had major power outages so I really wasn't looking forward to it. Being the dutiful (even if I complain a lot) wife I am I packed a bag and off we went. As we crossed the river from Oregon into Washington I felt this overwhelming urge to turn around and head back to the safety of my bed. I enjoyed the ride and junkfood as much as I could. We stopped at a greasy diner for food and we got a phone call that my nephew and his girlfriend would have to room with us because all the rooms were booked due to the power outage. Did I mention this girl is pregnant and her due date is only days from mine?????? It was hell but I made it through the night, listening to her blabber on about how excited she was. What I wasn't expecting was to be bombarded by ultrasound photos the next morning. I wanted nothing more than to slap her and scream that those pictures, that morning sickness and little precious baby should all be mine. The funeral was terrible too. I felt bad that everyone at the funeral was crying for the loss of this man while I was crying for my loss.

We came home and the weepiness just got worse. The last few days have been hard, but somehow today feels different. I'm still giving myself permission to cry as needed but I'm hoping it won't need to be so frequent soon. I think there is a connection between sugar and weepiness for me because I find the more sweets I eat the worse it gets so I am trying to cut them out.

Besides that I have started a really good book. The memory keepers daughter has sucked me in so I'm off to finish it

Dreams

The last seven days have been hard for me. I keep finding myself switching back and forth from acceptance to sorrow, and now I seem to be finding a nice big area of anger. As I said before I even knew any of this would happen I fully intend on feeling all of this and not botteling any of it up. What I do know I cannot change are the dreams. I dream of dead things. I tried sleeping pills but they still follow me. Last night was the first one I had where nothing died. I dreamed that all the trees around me were bursting full of ripe red apples. No I don't think it is symbolic of anything, I think it just means that I finally got a break from dead thoughts.

I still have a hard time putting thoughts together on this. All I know is that we created a baby and it died. I know it was early, but it was still a baby to me. We are now faced with the decision of wether to go on or not. I'm not sure how I feel. Do I have to try for years only to be faced with another loss? Ttc is truly an emotional investment and to be paid with shit at the end is hard. Ugh

A club I never wanted to be part of

Right after the last post I found out I was pregnant. Happiest moment of my life. Now it appears I am going to miscarry. I hurt, and now I know how it feels to lose something you wanted so bad.

pomegranite

I must confess I read a ton of infertility blogs. I mean a TON. I've stated before that I rarely comment and that I didn't know why. I lied. I do know. In my head there seems to be this threshold that if I cross the line and actually admit my parts don't work to the masses that I will be cursing myself into never having a baby. Oh I know this is stupid. I'm fully aware that words have no play on my woman parts. But still... My husband is convinced I will feel better if I out myself. Sure. What does he know. No one is looking at his balls with suspicion. But he may be right. I'll finish this later, I'm off to the craft store for some pomegranite thread.

Over the hump

I understand it has been a while since my last update, but I have this issue every year of making the transition between summer and winter. While I love the sunny brisk days of fall they are for some reason unbearable for me. So this year I ate tons of larb and cookies and tried to keep myself busy. I feel I have successfully made it into the end of october and so I will be okay. Nutruring yourself can be the hardest thing to do. In the last few weeks we have been on the go doing one activity or another just trying to out run the blues we knew would follow me. Add into that my first round of femara failed. Its not that I really expected it to be successful because I started to spot 10dpo, its that I had let that evil hag hope take up residence again. This cycle she is locked out. I've cried a lot lately but it felt good to get it all out. We had friends that announced their pregnancy for child number 4 to us recently. To put things into prespective she announced her pregnancy the month we started trying. Also a friend had a baby today. While I am happy I'm also sad so instead of putting on a phoney smile I let it all out and a box of tissue later I can say I honestly ment it when I said I was happy for her.
I have decided this year not to hide. No more trying to make people think I am okay. If this means going to the store at two in the morning to buy pads while crying hystericly so be it. If it means another breakdown like yesterdays when we found ourselves somehow lost in baby depot thats okay. I have come to see these like storm clouds. They come quick and hard, but when they leave I feel refreshed. So if you guys see some crazy lady walking around talking to herself and cursing the fertility gods its probably me.
Now that all of that is out of the way I am completely taken by halloween this year. I took five of my nieces to scream at the beach this weekend and I have to say that there is nothing better in life than watching terrified kids. Okay I'll admit I've lost my voice due to all the screaming too, but it was fun. Now I just have to finish my sons costume. He decided he wanted to be a king and I was disappointed with the costumes we found so I took it upon myself to make him one. Since then the red and white fleece has just been sitting there. Somehow I do my best work when I procrastinate until the last minute. As for my husband he will be an ape as usual. I have an assortment of scary mask I will be using. The best was last night. After we dropped all the girls off we picked up my son and nephew to come home. What they didn't know is that I was in the back of the van with a devil mask on. Halfway down the first block I just sat up and waited for them to notice me. Within seconds they experienced pure terror, fear, and finally anger when they started swatting at me. It was beautiful.

Lost

I'm here, I'm just lost in the throws of a good book. Will update when I'm done : )

Funk

Man I have been in a funk lately that has just been getting deeper at rapid speed. It all started with a day at the park. In order to keep my butt from spreading I ride my bike to pick up my son after school and then we go to the park for about an hour or so. He has been so hesitant to take the training wheels off his bike but I finally talked him into it. Now take into consideration that this was just a few days after his 7th birthday. He hopped on his bike and I let go. Yeah it hurt. It sucked even more because I stood there all teary eyed and he peddled off on his own. It just seems like he learned how to walk. I know that in the blink of an eye he will be driving and leaving for college. I felt so much joy and so much pain all at once. How can this be? He has grown up before my eyes, but it seems like I’m just getting to know him. It made it worse by the fact that he was in tears because he was afraid daddy would not be proud of him. He is so tough and so fragile at the same time. Its an odd feeling when you get to this stage. They are complete people now with thoughts and emotions all their own. Oh sure you can try and change them but good luck. It makes me think of all the time I missed. I had no choice, I was a single mother. What was I supposed to do? We needed food to eat and a safe place to live so I had to work. I am beyond grateful that I met my husband and have been able to stay home since but I often wonder what I missed. Did he have smiles for me and I wasn’t there to see them? Was he disappointed when mommy was to tired from working 12 hours to play? These thoughts break my heart. I try to give him everything he needs now but I often wonder if it is enough. We must have done something right because he is a great person.

Besides that I started a new cycle about two weeks ago. I was timid to start the femara but just went balls to the wall and did it. I am happy to say that I didn’t have any of the side effects I had with clomid. As a matter of fact I have been experiencing the most slobbery stretchy ewcm I have ever had. Oh yeah baby, that’s the good stuff. So now I am just sitting here waiting for this egg to pop out so I can move on with my obsession. I’m not putting to much into this cycle so I’m not too worried about it. Lets move on shall we?
My idea to pick up a hobby to keep me busy was apparently a good idea. I have been knitting like there is no tomorrow. Mostly scarves because if you have ever been to Oregon you know it is cold and damp and crappy 99% of the time. They must be nice because I have a list now of people who want one to call their own. I am currently working on my nephews in an amazing blue that is just so soft you want to roll around naked in it.

As for the blogroll it is under construction for a bit. I have a huge list of blogs I read, but I need to narrow it down. I feel like a small more comfy roll is what I need.

laziness

Theres no reason for my lack of post. A lot is going on, none of them being a pregnancy. Just have lost my blogger mojo. The thoughts are coming back but right now I've got a bigger battle on my hands

Hmmm

I assure you that many bananas were hurt in the making of this post. Finding myself 5 days into the two week wait I of course decided to bake something my hips definitely don't need. I have this recipe for banana bread that a friend gave me that is the next best thing to sex. Yes its that good. And its a one bowl few ingrediants thing so anyone can do it. Its soft and moist and oh so bananaish. Hungry yet? Heres the recipe:
4 ripe bananas smashed to smitherines
1/3 softened butter (unsalted)
1 cup sugar
1 egg
1tsp vanilla
1 tsp baking soda
1/4 tsp salt
1 1/2 cups flour

Begin by mixing the soft butter and bananas together in a bowl. Then add your sugar, egg, vanilla and flour in. Mix them in that order, making sure everything is mixed well before adding the next. Then add the baking soda and salt and mix one last time. Toss it into a loaf pan that is either buttered or sprayed with some of that non stick stuff and put it in a 350 degree oven for 55-65 minutes. I find the cooking time depends on the bananas, so start checking it with a toothpick at 55. And try not to eat the entire thing at once. I baked mine today at 3:30 and it is all gone already. No, I didn't eat it all. I only got one piece before my husband and son finished the pan. Shhhhhhh but don't tell them I plan to make one tomorrow too.

Besides trying to add inches to my waistline I am doing well on my knitting project. I am about half way done with my first scarf. I know its not incredibly fancy but for someone who isn't crafty I think its a huge deal. I'm uber excited because when I'm done with the scarf I have some knifty circular needles to try to make a hat with. I'm sure I will end up un raveling a lot of yarn before I get it right but it is keeping me busy. Actually this 2ww isn't hard because I'm not expecting much. I say that now, but in 5 days I'll probably be pacing a trench in my hallway.

I am stunned by the fact that my son is starting first grade. I still refer to him as my baby and that is getting hard to do since he is now reading the bedtime stories to us instead of us reading to him. I am so proud of the things he has learned, but it just seems like it has all gone to fast. And its one of those "by now" things too. When we took him to preschool I thought that by the end of the year he would have a sibling. Or by the time he started kindegarten. Maybe by the time summer started. I definitly didn't picture having a first grader as an only child. As we went out to dinner the other day we seen this woman smoking, pushing a stroller and yelling at three kids trailing behind her. Its hard not to wonder why she can and I can't. People have asked me before why I don't believe in god. That my friends is why. Its not like I was some big believer anyway. But I find that being infertile and a believer is something that doesn't really fit for me. I'm not saying that god doesn't exist. I'm just saying that in my little world I don't see it. I've also never seen bigfoot, but I've heard he exist too.

The O syndrome

I've heard the horror stories of pms but really I'm not bad around my period. I have the exact opposite. Right before I ovulate I break out and get uber bitchy. I'm not sure why but it sucks. Its hard to have sex when your husband is scared of you. Anyway I have an egg to catch.

Sew damn stupid

Today I took on the task of finally figuring out how to thread my machine. Boring I know, but let me tell you after all the time it took to get it right I feel like I accomplished something big today. Not only that but I made a little pocket. Its now holding my sons poker chips but that is another story all together. Tomorrow I plan on trying to hem something and working my way up. Luckily a friend gave me a basket of big scraps to practice on so I don't feel like a total ass trying to figure stuff out on $6/yard fabric. I have seen some amazing fabrics and can't wait until I can walk in a store and actually pick something out that I won't be making practice pockets out of.

Lately I feel a bit something. I can't really describe it because I cannot find the word to fit it. My son is starting the first grade. We wanted to have a child shortly after he was born so that we could have children close in age. Well that really hasn't worked out for us. I still feel that we need a baby to round out our family. Some people we know are not aware that I was pregnant before my husband and I met. And amazingly enough my son looks more like my husband than he does me. Weird but true people. Not quite sure how it happened but I am happy that its that way. So now we come to the point that my husband is almost 40 and has no biological children. Its not that entire passing on the seed thing, its just that he want to experience having a child. Believe me the urge is strong for me too, but I will admit that his feelings have a large part in this too. The entire thing feels odd to me now. It feels almost automatic to grab opks out from under the sink and pee in cups. Sometimes I forget that this is not how the rest of the world uses the bathroom. But also I feel like a change has happened...I feel, dare I say....lucky. Okay lets not jinx it, moving right along.

My boob feels like it might fall off. No kidding, I'm not making it up. For some reason it is unbearable today. I did my monthly breast exam and didn't feel any different or any sore spots, its just a generalized pain. Having lost an aunt to breast cancer I am a bit worried by breast changes but this is nothing but pain. I think I will give it a day or two and decide what to do from there. Mr fatty is hoping this means my boobs will grow some more. They shrunk a bit from the weightloss but lately have started to feel full again. Like a D is anything small. I swear that man is crazy. At one point I shrunk down to a C and I loved it. Finally I could wear a button up shirt without it gaping open. It was shortlived but I did enjoy it.

Time for me to hit the sack, we have a long day at the lake planned for tomorrow.

The one where I get crafty

Now that I have decided to switch my obsession back over to precreating I also need a way to fill that oh so dreaded two week wait. Ugh, I shiver at the thought. Never is life so cruel as to drag on for two damn weeks leaving your brain to short wire and see every bird dropping as a sure fire sign of pregnancy. So I have decided to try and be crafty. In order to help keep me busy my husband has even bought me a sewing machine. I played around and figured out the bobbin thing, but really I think threading the top may be a bit out of my range. No, I'm totally not kidding. I have dreams of making curtains and hemming pants, but it all my be cut short if I can't stop banging my head on the side of the machine and figure out how to get it going. I am an educated woman but apparently no match for a singer.

I am also signing up for a knitting class. I want to make my own socks. Nerdy as it is, its always been a dream of mine. Fortunatly here in portland there is a lot of knitting shops that hold classes so I have quite a few to choose from. I just need a patient teacher. Once I figure something out I'm good, but I tend to cause a lot of chaos on the way. I've heard scarfs are easy so that is where I plan to start. Guess what everyone will be getting from me for christmas? Thats right, scarfs that look like a two year old did them.

I went to the dr and got the big fat okay to start femara. Seeing as this is cd8 it will have to wait until next month and I am okay with that. There was no way I was going back to clomid. I would rather pull my own eyes out and eat them. We are hopeful, or maybe just stupid. We haven't figured it out yet.

Present

I'm here, I'm just working on switching the blog over to my new obsession. I'll have it done today.

Almost updated

Prepare yourselves everyone this blog will probably go back to being all about my "womanly parts" again soon as I dive back into trying to get knocked up. I know its romantic isn't it? I am starting to feel content and so the actual trying to lose weight is going to stop. I'll be fine in my size 12s.

But until the next cycle starts you will just have to listen to me bitch and moan about the weeds popping up in my garden and stare at vacation photos. Those are coming in the next few days. Oooooooo some nice before and afters too.

The final countdown

I know I know I said I wouldn't weigh myself until September, but I did anyway. I jumped on, looked down, got off and tried again. 155. Yes I know that its still a high number but for me its pretty damn good. But then it hit me. I have 10 to go. My husband has asked me to stop when I hit 145, so I am. I'm not quite sure how I will stop since this has become a lifestyle change for me. Perhaps an additional cookie a day? I think he is afraid my boobs will mysteriously fall off or my my hips might become flat. Anyway I feel it is reasonable.

So once again I find myself facing a journey coming to its end. Now wtf will I do. Maybe I will get all crazy about the baby making, but really all I got out of that was heart burn. I have this crazy idea to take up karate. Not really for self defense, but more self entertainment. Knowing me and my clutzy self I will break a hip and dislocate a shoulder during the first class, but I'll probably go for it anyway.

I've had a few people ask my what kind of diet I've been doing so to put it to rest I decided to keep a food log over the weekend and post it on Monday.

Bugger

If I actually kept up with my blog on a daily or even biweekly basis I would be fed up enough to switch to something I had to pay for. But I don't so I probably will be keeping my free stuff loving ass right here. Ahhhhhh. I have tried to blog twice this week only to have both post promptly wonder off into space and land somewhere else. I did the lucky blogger dance before I sat down so here is hoping. Enough about all that jibberish.

As I read was checking up on some of my bloggers I have noticed that people are doing way more interesting things than I am lately. Some have been going to concerts I would give a nipple to go to and others have taken up hobbies or vacations that I often daydream about. So what have I been up to? A whole lot of nothing. I'm like the queen of wasted time right now. My husband has asked me to put off looking for a job until the boy returns to school. That is months away and I'm not sure my sanity will last that long. So I could lie and say I have been keeping busy by bathing homeless people and campaigning for animal rights but I think you would all know it was a lie. My days have been consisting of some bike riding, gardening, maybe a short trip to the market, some really bad day time tv, and putting off a lot of things I know I should be doing. Yep, it seems that I may have a bit of a laziness bug lately. I plan on killing it tomorrow by cleaning out the garage. That hell hole scares me. It is my husbands territory so I tend to leave it alone, but when I am scared to go in and get him that means its time to clean it out.

My fitness plan is going okay. I know I have been eating way too much ice cream lately and I plan on joining some sort of 12 step program soon. I can tell I am still losing by the fact my new shorts are loose already, but I could do better.

Uhhhhh, lets see, what else am I slacking on? Well one thing that is not slacking around here is my womanly parts. Seems funny I take a break from trying to procreate for the summer and now everything falls into place. I stopped all the supplements and crazy voodoo and tada, perfect 28 day cycle. Not only that but no cramps this month. Yeah.

I'm really upset I lost my fourth of July post because I liked it alot. I can sum it up really easily for you.... one of the things fatty loves more than food is freedom. I have been on the other side and can see why sometimes other countries hate america, but I will love this land forever. We had a great 4th over at a friends house with food, beer, and lots of great people. Makes me feel lucky to be me every single year. But now the countdown for the company picnic starts! What could be better than a full blown fair for free?????? Oh yes, my son and I are starting to think about what order we will go on the rides already. Mmmmmmmm gravity and vomit.

Comfort

GOD DAMNIT I JUST SPENT AN HOUR TYPING AND THIS STUPID THING ATE MY POST...shit damn ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Okay now lets see if I can recapture any of that magic. Stupid ass blogger

Aahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh summer. Just the thought makes me smile. Even makes me happy enough to forget how much blogger eats ass sometimes. Anyway, deep breath, moving on. So the other day while I was at the river with my family running around and jumping off of things I had no right to be on I felt something new. I paused and realized I was completely comfortable in this shell I call my body. I looked around and found that I blended right in with the other average looking moms who had a bit of pudge here and there. But that wasn't the important thing. I was happy being me, and it made everything completely worth while.

We camped overnight at the river because we had a few days of over 100 degrees. We have a standing agreement in our family that any day it goes over 99 we get out of town and head for the woods. I was upset when I found that I no longer like smores. Yes I know, how shocking. For those of you who don't know, smores is what used to spark my love for camping. Now I find them a bit sweet and they really just make me want to gag. I did enjoy the camping even without my sweet delight, but I am on the look out for another oh so delicious but not too sweet camping treat. If you have any ideas please let me know. We are going camping in the state sand dunes next week so I am trying to come up with something before then. Last time I went to the dunes was a few years ago and I weezed and dragged my butt up a small dune before I almost passed out. Now I'm in better shape so I am hoping it won't be so tough. Its a two mile hike over the dunes to the ocean so I am going to try and do that.

I forgot what I wrote in my other entry before blogger at it so I guess this is it for now

OH, except thanks for noticing that typo michelle. Too much wine and keyboards do not mix well.

Big fat year in review

So as I said before this year definetly had its ups and downs. Lets start with the numbers and get them all out of the way.

Weight started: 239
Current weight: 159
Lost 80lbs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bmi start: 39.8
Bmi current: 26.5
Down 13.5

Measurements

Neck: starting 16, current 13 = -3 inches
Bust: starting 51, current 40 =- 11 inches
Waist: starting 48, current 36 = -12 inches
Hips: starting 48.5, current 37.5 = -11 inches
Thigh: starting 26, current 20 = -6 inches

Not bad for 12 months. I haven't always been diligent, but I never gave up and I think that is what got me here.

My change in frame of mind is what has been most amazing. I feel more postive and know that I really can accomplish anything.

The only disappointment over the last year was our lack of pregnancy. But I still believe taking a break for the summer is whats best. So far I am enjoying my time. I have eaten all sorts of taboo foods and even went out and drank way too much last weekend. We hadn't just gone to a bar and played pool and drank in sooooo long. This is good for our marriage and without a healthy marriage my life would be empty.

More importantly what I have learned is that I am not alone. That is priceless

Okay now with all that out of the way here comes my summer plans. So after doing my monthly weigh in today I decided not to weigh in again until the end of August. I have 14 lbs to lose, which I think is totally doable. Is that even a word? Anyway, I want to focus on weight training and boosting my cardio and see what happens. Now I just need help coming up with a weight training routine. Any ideas?

Is this thing still on?

My lack of post lately isn't due to some exciting thing or a slide into depression, I am just finding myself terribly busy and preoccupied. My garden is in bloom and I feel more at home in the dirt than in here with my butt in a chair.

I am aware I missed my blogaversary. One year, wooohooooooo me. There are so many things I expected from the last year, some didn't happen, and other things turned out better than I could ever imagine.

Now excuse me, the lilac is calling me

Check me out

Sorry for the long space between post but I was out enjoying myself. This is the time of year where Portland comes alive and the outdoor markets open, parades take place, and of course it won't stop raining. That didn't stop us. We taped up two days early and I sat my ass on the pavement for 12 hours to make sure my son and his two friends had a great view. They did and had a great time. Its nice to see the streets of portland closed down and kids drawing with chalk, playing football, jump roping and singing wherever they choose. We brought our 15lbs of candy out and created absolute chaos when we started throwing it around. It is the best part if you ask the kids that sat on the same block we did.

But that wasn't the best part. I got a whistle! Not the kind you put around the neck but an adoring whistle from a passerby. After the shock wore off I was flattered. Its been a long time. But I am starting to feel a bit more comfy in this thing I call a body.

We all bought new bikes and are excited for it to dry out so we can give it a go. I have to admit I gave in and got the bike I've always wanted, it was a bit pricey, but my butt is ohhhhhhh so happy on that seat. My husband, not one to go against trends got the same kind just the male version. My son who was afraid to ride a bike for the longest time found a yellow one with flames on it. I guess it was one of those seeing the light from heaven things because his eyes got wide and he was speechless for a moment.

Speaking of wide eyes he was completely fascinated by the army men marching in the parade yesterday. I mean jaw open, just complete awe. Even they noticed and one of them gave him a football. I swear my son has not taken his eye off of it since we have gotten home. I think there are worse things a young boy could look up to. I cannot believe his graduation from kindegarten is next week. It has gone by so fast.

say what?

Hmmmm, well I'm not exactly sure if I am on deaths bed, but for someone like me to lose my voice is close to hell. We are working on the second day of silence for me. I'm not sure where it went but it is completely and utterly gone. Not a whisper, moan or chuckle has crossed my lips. My husband has taken this opportunity to get out the pressure washer since I cannot object. Its not that he's not handy, its just that he gets a bit carried away with that contraption. When he has the pressure washer out all the neighborhood kids run because they know if they stand still for even a moment he will wash them too. Its like the sander. I try to avoid bringing it out because as soon as he does I have a million of his half started projects and maybe one that is finished. But short of going outside and turning off the water supply there is nothing I can do to make him stop with the power washer right now. So I'll just sit here silently and pray he covered all my flowers first.

I haven't posted a lot lately because really there hasn't been much to update. I find that taking a break from all things baby making related has opened up a lot of free time for me. I've taken up some crocheting and am thinking about making some photo collages, but besides that I have just been enjoying my days.

I cannot believe my sons first year of school is almost over. It just blows my mind. He left me a whiney, insecure little boy. And now he is emerging as a confident reader at the end of the year. I still smile so big when he reads anything to me. Of course his favorite words to read and write are usually related to poop, vomit, or boogers. But I will take it. My boy is reading. Its such a huge accomplishment I feel that too many parents look over. If I had the ability I would throw him a parade but budget wise thats just not going to happen. So instead I am going to buy him subscriptions to his favorite magazines. Those little disney adventure magazines are his favorite and the comics in there have words easy enough for him to sound out without any parental input. He feels like a stud.

I skipped reading one of the most popular books around and just went and seen the movie on Friday. The davinci code was pretty good in my opinion. I know people are being so critical, but uh its a movie. Its supposed to be entertainment. Yeah blah blah blah and religion and all this. I just loved it because I got to go to it with my hunky husband all alone. Oh yeah.

Bad me

Sorry I've been a bit neglectful lately but my mind has been in a state of hibernation for a bit. I feel rejuvinated now though. I am putting off anything having to do with baby making until the fall so I can train for the 5k without having my mind too crowded. No more herbs, temp taking, or schedules. Well after this month anyway.

I've been doing okay on my workouts but need to devote a bit more time so I have conned my husband into going to the gym with me to keep me motivated a few times a week. The rest of the time its just me and the golf course. Now I need to read some and catch up on all of you.

Love letter

Dear what ever your name is,
Can you please refrain from driving your "car" with the "muffler that sounds like a jet is landing on my house" and "system that sucks because its all bass" down my street at 5 in the morning? It is also not advisable to do this at any hour when I am pmsing.

Thank you so much,
Mrs fatty "the crazy lady who will slash your tires"

What no one told me about losing weight

When I decided to lose some weight I was crammed with all the positives. But there is another side to it.

No one ever told me

1. *That my skin would never bounce all the way back

*That people (especially women) might decide they don't like me as much because I am no longer the "fat" friend

*I still feel weird in tank tops

*Going swimsuit shopping still sucks

*Confidence doesn't come with a smaller waist size

*That I would feel more self concious at 165lbs then I did at 239

*A pregnancy still wouldn't happen

*My hair still looks like shit

*Men noticing me again would creep me out

*People would start talking about fat people to me

I will finish this later, time to work out

Next

This morning we found ourselves at our local immigration office again. I must admit I love the place. The smell of the muffin stall in the back, the sound of my sandals slapping against the cool tile. But most of all I love to people watch. Happy smiles coming out of citizenship testing, people applying to sponsor those less fortunate, and the happy faces of children who have never seen anything as amazing as this country we call home. The mix of 6 different languages blur thru my head almost like music. Some are newly married, some are renewing work visas, some trying to get information on how they can vote. I am in awe of everyone there to have the bravery to pack up and move to a strange country just to give your kids a better life.

Now I know there is a lot of talk about the new immigration practices going on, and I have no intention on getting caught up in it. But one thing I will say is that I honor them, illegal or not, for taking the pissy jobs most americans turn their noses up at. They scrub our toilets, pick our fruit, tend to our vegetables, do our landscaping, work our dumps, and clean up our offices long after we have gone home. And for what? If they are lucky, minimum wage.

Anyway, we had to go to immigration because my husband has finally decided he wants american citizenship. This is something he has been trying to decide for years, but he wants to be able to vote. It was hard for him because in many ways he has been betrayed by our country. He grew up in Laos during the time the us army was using it as a gateway to vietnam. He knows what it is like to have grown used to the sound of bombs. His father was a brave man and joined the us and fought against the vietnamese. Much of the us practices over there were inhumane and sad. His father did what he thought was best because he wanted his children to come to america and have a good life. Well the promise was never kept.

The communist came into Laos and destroyed what was left of his life. They took their food, land and hope. My husband and his family were sent to a family prison, and he stayed there until he could be brought to america. He walked four days thru the jungle terrified of being found and shot. After various rides in the back of dark trucks, and boats he was finally brought to the right people who sponsored his way to america. He has had a permanent resident card ever since. I am so glad he is deciding to become a citizen I cannot even put it into words. We see no reason why he would be denied. He's worked the same job for over 10 years, we own a home, and we've never been in legal trouble.

I have to admit there is another reason for all this. We have decided to look into adoption. Not something right away, but we want to know more. I've always wanted to adopt someone out of fostercare. Having been in a foster home once I know how strange and surreal it can be. I honor people for being foster parents, but to a foster child its like staying in a hotel. You never know when checkout is, and you can never let your gaurd down enough to be comfortable. But now I can see us adopting a 4 or 5 year old in a few years. I know we don't have much. We live in a simple house on a normal street, but somehow I think we might just be what someone needs.

This doesn't mean we aren't trying to have a baby still. We are, but I just feel comforted to know that we will have another child wether we get pregnant or not. I just wish my son would stop asking when he gets to have a brother or sister. You want a challenge? Try explaining infertility to a 6 year old.

Onto fitness news. Tomorrow I do my first trial run for the fun run to see how much progress I've made. Hopefully I don't fall down and twitch until someone revives me. I think I can do it. I have my mp3 player all loaded and ready to go, all I have to do is actually go do it. Hah. I'm also meeting someone to do weekly workouts with me this saturday. It should be fun. Okay I'm done blabbering for the day. I think.

Purrfect

I know I haven't been the most up to date blogger lately but it is that time of year where my mind tends to wonder and I have trouble putting my words together. I guess you could say it is spring fever but to me it feels more like an emotional awakening after a long slumber. My mornings find me more cat like, curling up on the bed in the path of the sun just soaking it all up. I remember watching cats sleep in the sun when I was younger and not understanding why they liked it so much. Now I find a strange sort of comfort in the warm rays.

My thoughts have turned to Ben a lot and I find I miss his company. I know lives move on and blah, blah, blah, but I miss our summer road trips and nights just sitting aimlessly at the park. I guess if we just would have been honest with each other and layed our feelings out there things might have happened differently. But then I probably wouldn't have found my husband and that is just something I can't even imagine. Its weird when you have a relationship that is so strong, yet you were just on the brink of being lovers. Theres always that question there of what if. But I never felt the way he did to be honest. I just adored our friendship but it just wasn't enough. I hope wherever he is now he is with someone who can make him happy. I picture him having a few kids and maybe finally shaving off that stupid facial hair.

Our friendship actually fizzled out when I introduced him to the man who is my husband now. Me and Mr. Fatty were just dating at the time, but I guess been knew I had found the right person for me and he just faded out. I shouldn't have lied and told him I didn't need him anymore. I did, but in a different way. I suppose it would have ended either way. Mr. fatty was fond of Ben too and misses him often. I hope our paths cross again some day.

It is time for me to start running outdoors. I found a nice path around one of the golf courses that is a bit over 2 miles, so if I lap it twice it should be sufficient. I must admit I'm still not a lover of running. I love it sometimes, but more often I don't. About 15 minutes into it I feel great but the first 15 minutes are pure hell on most days. Maybe its the endorphins kicking in that makes me feel alright. I think I need different shoes for the outdoors because my indoor running shoes just don't seem to offer me the support I need when dodging holes, squirrels and golf balls.

This is all gearing up for the fun run this summer. Its part of the rose festival here in portland and is a costume run before the starlight parade. My husband offered to run with me, but has now decided to hold our spot for the parade. Instead my 6 year old son will run with me. Now onto deciding costumes. We need a cute idea that will be comfortable. Any ideas???

Tune up

Well my tubes are now wide open. One was okay and he got the other one to open up. So after that I had the bloodwork rerun and my test came back great. So where does that leave s? No where. Thats where. Now we wait. Yeah, thats going to go over well. Anyhow enough posting about my girl bits.

The weather has turned fabulous lately and my mind is over run with possiblities of flowers and arrangements. I cannot help it. It is cheaper than crack or gambling so I'm sticking with it. Nothing is more satisfying than dirt under the nails.

Okay I will blab more later but I need to shave.

I'm an idiot

I finally got the blogroll thing taken care of. Want to visit some neato people? Just click on the fat lady over yonder. Theres a lot of new faces on there now. Some I know personally, some I read everyday, and some I just lurk at. Boy that does sound creepy doesn't it?

I managed to get plants into the ground yesterday. Bulbs and bushes all done. For now anyway. But at some point I got bit by a spider in a place that came damn near close to violation. Let me rewind this a bit. See last summer during my planting frenzy I was sitting on the lawn wearing shorts and digging my happy little heart out. Then this spider crawls into my shorts and bites me on the crotch. No, I'm totally not kidding. Not only was it painful, but embarassing. So now imagine my humiliation when last night my husband gets up from our little grope fest and flips the lights on. He inspects me and it is confirmed, there is yet another bite. A few inches off from last time, but I consider anything inside the panty line uncalled for. Those damn spiders have it in for me. There are so many of them too. The cats and birds eat some, but its not enough. I may have to call in the big guns and have something sprayed.

I've decided to do something crafty. Now I'm not really a crafty person, but maybe I should be. I see people with all these interesting hobbies and I feel a tad left out. My attempt at knitting was pathetic. I'm guessing crocheting would be the same. Hmmmmmmm. Finding something you don't completely suck at isn't as easy as one would think it would be.

I'm trying to keep my mind from racing about my hsg tomorrow. I know its a basic test and it shouldn't be a problem. But can I just say something? Its not the pain I'm worried about. Its the possibility of me seeing my tubes are blocked, or some alien eating away at my uterus. Enough said. No more about the snatch invaders.

Fattys most wanted

It is the time of year where the flowers are coming to life and mrs fatty emerges from her long hybernation to declare war on all weeds. Armed with a pair of safety goggles and a gallon jug of weed and grass killer I attacked everything I could find hiding between the bricks and popping up in garden beds. This is a never ending battle as we seem to have some kind of super soil that spawns its own weeds. I pulled and stabbed and hopefully everything will be gone by next week so I can get some plants put down. Just the thought of how much work building our bbq pit is going to be is almost enough to make me not want it. Almost. But I really prefer to cook outside, especially when its something stinky like crab or fish. Since we eat seafood at least twice a week it seems like a good idea. One thing I am excited about is that we are going to rent one of those cool little tractor digging things. Oh yeah, I'm going to dig some big ass holes just because I can. I should never be left unsupervised with any kind of machienery. Never.

I'm still meaning to do some upkeep on this blog, but it seems that as the days get longer my ability to stay in front of this box gets shorter and shorter. Blogroll be damned, I will get around to it this week. Or next week. Whatever.

This weekend will be a busy one. Not only was my hsg moved to friday (giving me way to little time to obsess), but lao new year is saturday, and so is our anniversary. We still haven't made plans for our anniversary, and I'm not too worried about it. What I am worried about is making the 200 bags of cookies and candies for new years. I should have started last week, but being the responsible person I am, I haven't even thought about starting yet. Well, thats a lie, I thought about it. I just didn't do it. I have finally found a camera I like. Now I just have to save up for it. Its a sony something or another, and a pretty big purchase. I played with it in the store and it is fabulous. I feel sorry for my dear readers when I am armed with photos of my life.

boobfest '06

Well last night was my husbands award dinner. I have to admit being dressed up felt great. My boobs were on full alert, shoes looked great, and the drinks were very very strong. On the way to the dinner I had a sudden rush of 'oh my god what am I thinking wearing something so low cut to a company function' nerves. But as we came thru the door I was glad to see I had just walked into boobfest 06. All the wives were there standing besides their husbands breast ready to pop out at any sudden movement. The thing is that we are not young perky things, but most of us do have nice boobage and apparently decided it was time to let them out. It was nice to see everyone I usually see in jeans and a pony tail all dressed up too.

My husband recieved his three ruby award and I was very proud. Its not very often someone can say they are one of the best at their trade but my husband is. I can't wait to see the pictures of us all dressed up and totally tanked next week.

Afterwards we decided it was a bit early to go home so we went to see a movie. Lucky number sleven was a pretty good compromise because although it is pretty violent it does have a good story line too it. On a side note today we took my son and a few nieces and nephews to see Iceage 2 and it was faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaabulous! After the movie we decided to go have dinner. I won't go into what we ate because it isn't very diet friendly but it was damn good. One thing my husband couldn't help but notice was that the waiter could not keep his eyes above my neckline. He was flattered and frustrated and I must admit it was a bit cute.

Now onto vaginal news. Period...check....blood test in the morning....check....absolute fear about up coming hsg.... CHECK. I'm a wus and I'm aware of it. I only have nine more days to fear it though. Nine long days.

tick tock

I'm still waiting. I'm still late. I'm still crampy. Stupid uterus.

I lurk therefore I am

I read a lot of blogs on a regular basis that I don't believe I have ever commented on. Its not a lack of interest, its just sometimes I don't have much to say. A lot of times actually. I need to update my blogroll because some I no longer read, and some just arent' there anymore. My point in all this ass flappin? I don't know. I'm not sure. I cant focus right now. Why? I'm late..... and I noticed that two bloggers on my roll have officially gotten knocked up! I am so happy for them, but as I sit here negative test in the trash and the beginnings of cramps coming on I feel a bit sad. I think this will be a week with some margaritas in it. I totally forgot what I even started this post for. I'll organize my thoughts and try again tomorrow.

Crap whatever, I'll admit it, I'm upset. I let hope rear her nasty head here. BIG TIME. I have a chart that is just perfect. We had great timing. My boobs feel like they have been closed in an elevator door many times, and blah blah blah. I don't know if I'm prepared for cycle day 1. My husbands birthday is tomorrow and being the dumb girl I am I thought that I was pregnant and it would make the perfect gift. I even thought of how to tell him. Now I'm thinking about how many pads I have left. I know, I know its not over until the fat lady sings. I can tell shes warming up and it sucks.

I am reserving the right to finish my monthly whine tomorrow.

Temptation

My son planted a pear tree a few years back. We have had the joy of watching this tree take roots and grow bigger than all of us. Last year I thought it would be the year I would finally get to taste one of its delicious fruits. It tried. It taunted and tempted me but never produced anything larger than a bouncy ball. This year I have pruned and loved this tree almost to an obsession. I love pears. I eat them almost every day. Now I wait. Ready to pounce at the scent of a ripe pair. Every day I circle the tree muttering sweet threats to make it into fire wood if I don't get fruit. This is unhealthy I know. And to make it worse we planted more fruit trees this year. So over the next few years I will be threatening innocent cherries, apples, and asian pears. Thank god cake doesn't grow on trees.

I have a few more changes to make to this rackety old blog of mine and will do them this week. I like this template and think I'll keep it, but I'm unhappy with a few things. Knowing I have the computer skills of a two year old I will probably mess things up so bear with me.

Men

I really feel that I am at a disadvantage not to have a penis in this household. Even the cats are boys. Well one was a girl but since having her fixed I think she is secretly conspiring with the boys. If you ask my friend she will tell you she thinks that the sexes are equal and should be treated the same. I say bullshit. I for one can manage to use the bathroom without hitting the toilet seat and the lid. I can take my socks off and put them in a hamper. And of course I can say thing and actually mean what I said. These traits are not present in the penis population in my house.

Take today for example. My husband says he is going outside to fix the truck. I thought they were fixing the truck, but apparently fixing the truck is code for drink beer and bullshit with the guy three doors down about lawn mower repair. Silly me.

The reason my son (who I swear should work for nasa right now) cannot aim completely escapes me. The toilet seems like a pretty big target. Come to think of it the hamper is pretty damn big too. Its not that damn hard. Yet he can do one of those rubiks cube thingies in the time it takes me to make dinner.

My husband is an interesting specimen. He has no idea how to organize anything or, like his partner in crime, put dirty clothes in the hamper. Up until he met me he had no idea girls could swim when they had their period. Soon to be 38, he still doesn't know how to use a blinker, and of course doesn't realize that tracking mud on a clean floor is a nono. However, when it comes to moving things or digging huge holes for me he's the champ. I think I love him more because I don't understand him.

So you can understand why I'm a little scared that he has taken over our anniversary plans. He just said I would be suprised. Well thats nice. But there are good (like yay a vacation) and bad (like oh wow theres bird crap on my jacket) suprises. I am hoping that this one will be good. His birthday is coming up and I am at a loss as to what to get him. I was going to do some pin up style pictures for him, but I think I need a bit more time to build up some confidence for that. So now we are less than two weeks away and I haven't got a clue. Why do men have to be so difficult?

Got snout?

We have decided that on Monday we shall make snouts. The zoo is having some sort of pig fest and animals in spring training. I know your all jealous. Who wouldn't want to be close to this uh lovable creature. It makes me giggle and a bit nervous. I just hope the damn thing doesn't try to eat me.

My working out is coming along great lately. Since I was told to cut back I find that I am actually enjoying myself instead of forcing myself to the gym. I am excited that the time of year is coming where I can take my pale self outside to soak up some sun. Oh thats right you all have no idea how pale I am. My butt could blind people. It is whiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiite. Usually by august I pick up a bit of color but this year I'm hoping to not look quite so dead a bit sooner. Having fair skin and light hair makes me prone to burn and freckle instead of tan so I take whatever I can get. I checked out a book today of waterfalls around here so I can make a map of where we want to hike this year. I really can't wait. Beats the smelly gym anyday.

So the phone call with Dr. M ended up with him calling me a wus and making my appointment for my hsg anyway. Yes, he's a special kind of doctor. So if all goes well and my dumb uterus cooperates it looks like Tuesday the 11th will be it. I admitted to my husband I was nervous with all that is fixing to happen and he said he is too. But then he smiled and said he's excited at the same time. Is it because they aren't shoving things into him? I mean I love him and all but all he had to do was give a semen sample. Lucky schmuck

Sneaky bastard

Usually I post something about it being time to mate here in the fatty household and since I have started keeping track of mucus and temps I was always right. Until now. That sneaky bastard came early! 4 days early. I didn't even get to pee on anything. I even had an oh so clever pic of an egg to post but stupid blogger isn't cooperating. Oh well, now time to wait.

In the meantime we've decided instead of going out of state for our summer vacation this year we are going to just travel around here in oregon and see all it has to offer. So yep, we'll be looking at trees. I think the beach, crater lake, and maybe a trip to the eastern side will keep us occupied for a bit. Now I'm trying to make plans for spring break. My son has next week off and weather permitting I think we are going to take the light rail down to the zoo. Thats the plus about living in the city. Public transportation here rocks. And parking at places like the zoo is scary. Its about 400 cranky moms in hugs ass suv's fighting for 2 spots. I'd rather take the max and read. Besides that I'm not really sure what we will be up to. My son wants to make fortune cookies so we might give that a go. I should put a fortune that says it is wise to empty the garbage every day in my husbands cookie.

I heart sweats

I have never been a very dressy person. Truth be known my favorite article of clothing is the sweats I have on now. I don't get my hair done, and really don't care much for makeup. We just found out that my husband will be part of an awards ceremony next month and it is a dress up event. I have a hard time finding jeans and t-shirts. The search for a dress may just drive me over the edge. Will I be able to find something that fits my boobs without making my butt look non existant? Will I look like mrs. claus if I decide to go with something red? Do I have to try 600 on to find the right one? I know the answer to that one is yes already. My husband is excited and actually offered to take me shopping once again. Yes, I know that was brave of him. He knows that shoe shopping will be involved to, but is still wanting to go. $20 says by the third hour he will think of a reason to end up at a sports bar.

Today I thought about buying another digital camera. I have one, I just never use it. I find the delay between pressing the button and the actual picture being taken annoying as hell. I like to take pics of things in motion, and just haven't found a digital one I actually like. I think my blog readers have also been saved by the fact that I don't have one many times. I can picture myself posting pics of mucus and stray hairs. That does sound like fun. I might just have to get one! Any reccomendations for digital cameras that aren't shit?

Moving on

My husband and I had an interesting coversation today over lunch. I guess when I was morbidly obese I didn't notice people not seeing me because I was trying with all my might to fade away. Now people see me. Men see me. My husband sees men see me. He is having a hard time adjusting to that at the moment. He is not jealous. Just caught off gaurd. He is proud of me and tells people how hard I have worked, but at the same time doesn't really know what to do when people say I look good. I've noticed he holds me a little tighter and holds my arm close to him instead of just my hand. I really don't know how to respond to people yet either. The other day I went for a walk on the golf course and was suprised when almost everyone that walked past me smiled and said hello. Looking back I don't think its because I'm not as fat anymore. I think that its a change in confidence. I don't know if people smiled at me before because my head was always cast down as I was trying to fade into the surroundings.

How we went from that convo to my uterus I'm not sure, but it happened. I am calling tomorrow to schedule my hsg which I should have had long ago. The problem is I'm nervous about getting dye shot into my girl parts. I really prefer things like that just stay away from my crotch area all together. Anyway, if that comes back clear we will go in and decide where to go from here. Dr. M has suggested we skip clomid altogether because of my horrible experience before and move on to "other" options. In other words my husband will be stabbing me in the butt every night with a needle. I know whats coming. Buttholes. I have even decided to try iui if it is needed. So what made me change my mind? My husband. Sometimes I forget how desperate he is for a baby too. As the years have gone by his friends have had 1,2, or even 3 kids and now he is feeling the emptiness. I guess I have learned how to deal with it, but I really don't want to see him go thru it.

I'm really just scared. Its not finances or medical issues, its just me and my 40 ton bag of fear. What if we move on to iui or ivf and we fail? What then. This is the last resort and then what? And I thought losing weight was hard..

Sorrow

Today we went to the funeral. It was heartbreaking, and I don't believe I have ever seen such sorrow. The shoulder of my dress was soaked from the tears of my husband and I tried to be strong for him but I just couldn't do it. Seeing them in their caskets was too much. I hope and pray that their father can find peace after losing his brother, ex wife and two children.

There was a lot of young men there today that were at my nephews funeral too. I hope, no I pray, that after all of this they can think of ways to resolve their problems in peace. I don't know if I can go to another funeral. I just don't think I can.

I have no words

This will be the fifth set of funerals we have go to this year over violent bullshit. I am so tired of watching children being buried.

**I have taken the link down until the family is done greiving. The dad is a very close friend of my husbands and the children were beutiful happy kids. This is basicly a love triangle gone wrong. There were so many clues and signs but they were all ignored, I really just don't know what else to say. This family has had many problems in the past but we were hoping they were all over. All I know is that my heart is breaking for them now.

Smashed

What moon songs

Do you sing your babies

What sunshineDo you bring

Who belongs

Who decides who’s crazy

Who rights wrongs

Where others cling

I’ll sing for you

If you want me to

I’ll give to you

And it’s a chance

I’ll have to take

And it’s a chance

I’ll have to break

I go along

Just because I’m lazy

I go along

To be with you

And those moon songs

That you sing your babies

Will be the songs

To see you thru

I’ll hear your song

If you want me to

I’ll sing along

And it’s a chance

I’ll have to take

And it’s a chance

I’ll have to break

I’m in love with you

I’m in love with you

I’m in love with you

I’m in love with you

So in love

The wind down

I'm at a funny spot right now. And no, I don't mean a comedy club. Although that would be nice right now. I am getting dangerously close to my goal. Less than 20lbs away, which makes me wonder if I have set my goal to high. Should I set it to 145? I think I should wait until I get there and see what happnens. Maybe when I hit 150 I should burn my scale and bury the ashes with the ashes of my fat clothes. Or blowing it up would be quite nice. But truth be told I know myself, and that scale will sit in its spot waiting to be called into action.

Last night my husband and I went out to a fabulous dinner at one of the most romantic spots I know. We dined on indian food and way to much wine. I ate without guilt and enjoyed my dinner and wasn't so preoccupied with the food that I actually had a conversation with my other half. Thats why I love this place. Its not somewhere you take kids, and its small and intimate. As we were talking I asked him how he felt the day I came clean with him. You know, the day I sat him down and said, "honey, you married a fatass. I really weight 240 lbs". He was shocked, not that I weighed that much, but that I had finally said it out loud. See we women think we are smart by lying about our weight, but can I tell you something? Men aren't stupid, they know how much we weigh, they just play along so they don't lose boob privledges. There is a freedom in not hiding anything. But I'm getting off the subject. I'm in a good spot body image wise right now. So lets do a round up huh? Haven't done one since October I think....

So far -72lbs

Measurements
Neck then-16 now-13.5 so that is -2.5 in
Boobs then-51 now-39.75 so thats -11.25 in
Waist then-48 now-37 so thats -11in
Hips then-48.5 now-38.5 so thats -10in
Thigh then-26 now-20 so thats -6in
===========
Total -40.75 inches

Thats a big change when you consider it has happened in under a year. For me I know I started this so I could have a child, but even if I don't get to have another baby I am so glad I did this.

Alone

Tomorrow my husband and I will be all alone. We have been looking forward to it for a while and had all these plans but mother nature has decided to crap on us so now we are just thinking a nice dinner and maybe some wine. Its nice to go out and just be able to sit there and talk. I really love the times we just get to sit and enjoy each others company. Then for some reason I started thinking about Sandy who is over at the pea patch . It must be the hardest thing in the world to be a military wife. Just the not knowing would make me insane. Its not just a commitment from the man who is serving but also his wife and children. When I read some of her post about how she misses him, or things that remind her of him it makes me sad and amazed. I wonder if it is strange to see somene after so long, but yet feel so intimate with them at the same time.

It took me a long time to even learn to like my husband. We aren't exactly what you would call a likely pair, and most people feel free to tell us that. It has been the first time I have ever experienced racism. And yes, I'm white. But when you marry into an asian family, especially s.e. asian you better not be white. Its an odd thing to hear people ask my husband why he married a white girl, why he settled for someone not in his class. The terms white devil and blue eyed ghost are my favorite. But dare I ask the obvious question? If they hate whites so much why did they fight so hard to come to America? Did they expect America to be full of something besides americans?

Wow, I totally went off course. Sushi. I think we will go out for sushi tomorrow.

Titles are for nerds

The last week or so I have been bitching to my husband to take me up to the snow because I needed a break, just get out of the city for a few hours. I wanted snow. So last night at 1:30 the phone starts ringing and my heart races as the worst things in the world run thru my mind. Between the time it took my hand to get to the phone my mind had already imagined robbings and accidents. It was just my husband who told me to come outside he had a gift for me. I went outside and guess what....it was snowing. Yep, in march. That is nuts. But it was beautiful. Guess all the bitching paid off.

I am thinking I need to overhaul this little old blog of mine. Black is fine, and of course it is slimming. Since I have slimmed a bit I am tempted to (gasp) bring some color here. I will play around with it and see how it goes. I can admit all I know about computers is how to turn one on, so I really don't know how to design a template. I need to redo links and list and all sorts of other crap. Since I've got nothing to do today besides bloat I might actually get around to it.

Enlightenment

Today is being brought to you by the number 12. Why you ask? It's not because thats the size jeans I wear now, or anything like that. Its because I have a hatred for the number 12 that runs so deep I dream about it. I am obsessive about my ovaries now and so I chart my temps every damn day of my life. Fun stuff. I know, get to the point. Well 12 days after ovulation I can tell you if we are pregnant or not. You know why? My temps like to do what I call the drop of death. I think it would be funny if it didn't piss me off so much. The herbs seem to be working well because it appears that for once in my life I am actually having a 28 day cycle. Blah.

So last night after looking over my chart I drifted off into what I assumed was going to be a blissful sleep. HA! My dream started out so beautiful. It was summer and I was running outside and I started going up this hill. I could feel the warm air and see all the flowers blooming. I noticed a dark cloud coming at me and so I tried to switch my path, but could only run forward. The clouds got closer and the back corner of it was totally black and detailed. It was a babys face. When it got right above me I heard the crack on the ground before I realized what was happening. I felt the electricity from the lightning surge thru my body. The jolt was so fierce it picked me up and thru me onto the road where a truck with a big red 12 was charging right at me. I don't know if I was hit by the truck because thats where I woke up. But yeah I hate 12s.

Pity

This is the conversation that took place in the fatty house hold this morning...

husband: I opened your closet and theres only one pair of jeans and two shirts in there. What happened to all your clothes?

Me: We burned them remember

husband: So you really have nothing

Me: Kind of looks that way

husband: Okay then, lets take you shopping

Yeah you heard it, my husband OFFERED to take me shopping. So I agreed and after brunch off we went. We went to 6 different stores and spent 5 hours looking for clothes and guess what I got. One pair of pants. It is hard to find pants that fit well if you are under 5'6''. He was a good sport and drank three cups of coffe and two cokes to try to keep up, but in the long run I took him home and finished up alone. I didn't buy much because seasons are fixing to change and I don't want to buy a bunch of winter stuff right before summer. I did however, try on lots of things I plan on grabbing later.

I found out that I'm a 12 now. I have officially cut my starting size in half. That made me do a bit of a happy dance in the dressing room. My husband however is still recovering in his lazy boy with the help of a beer and some sports tv.

Booya

Okay now that I've used about 3000 gallons of lyson and my son has stopped crapping himself we are slowly returning to normal.

I seen a bumper sticker on a car today that said fat is the new black. O k a y . Is a sticker supposed to let us know that she is okay with treating herself like crap. Is it supposed to make us think she is happy? I'm not sure what to think, but I know I was amused by the fact that next to it was a sticker that said don't lie to kids. And she was eating a doughnut while she was driving. So much to say. Haha, lets leave all that alone.

I'm trying not to focus on the fact that I am 8 days past ovulation and my boobs feel like someone ran them over. I refuse to give into the fact that I have a slight hope of being knocked up. I will ignore all signs until I either start to bleed or give birth.

I noticed a disturbing trend lately. It seems that weight loss equals wife loss around here. Every woman I know that has lost a big amount of weight has left their husband. Is it that as large women they settled for anyone who would love them, or in a new body do they feel that they are better and deserve better. I have no desire to leave my husband. He loved me heavy for who I was and now loves the lighter version of me. He understands my hatred of having my hair done and makeup. He has felt the rolls and stayed. How I ask, can you find anyone better than that.

Ugh

Wtf do I live in the middle of germville? After getting done with ear infections, colds and the flu my son went to school okay and came home with strep. Oh, and that spawned another ear infection. Can anyone say yipee?

So I'm strapped for time but I really will update soon. I have all sorts of thoughts roaming around in my head and despretely need to update my blogroll, but for now I've got to play snot wrangler

I feel eggy

So once again it is that magic time in the fatty household. Its the monthly egg hunt. The herbs are working well and for once I am actually ovulating when I should and with all the right things going on so I am one happy little hen. So now I sit wasting time until my husband gets home so we can continue our game of cat and mouse. I was flipping thru the channels when I came accross what we teach teenagers about in sex ed class in school. I was totally unaware that most schools are teaching to abstain and then not giving any information on how to protect oneself. Now granted I did go to highschool in a city setting, but we were taught not only about contraception but practiced how to use condoms and diaphragms. At least I am aware so when the time comes to inform my son I know to stock up on bananas and condoms.

What I do wish we would have learned in sex ed is how the womans body actually works. Not the 28 day cycle they paint pictures of. But how things like advil and cookies can mess up your fertility or how boys lie. Yeah thats what they really should have taught us, but I'll try and stay off that for tonight. I really wish I would have known more because even then my body cycles were weird. If I had known more could I or would I have done more to preserve my fertility. Would I have thought twice about things? Unlikely but I would still have like to have that basic information.

I was fortunate enough to have dodged stds from mr A. I don't know how since he mated with any girl who would spread for him. I still haven't figured out my fascination with him either. Some of my strongest memories are from that time, notice I didn't say fondest. I will forever remember that red jeep pulling into my driveway. It is just etched in my mind. But thankfully I also learned my lesson and remember how he said I was so special and then whored himself around. That is how I learned that boys will lie to get into your pants. Is that something we all learn by being stupid? Anyway now I'm just babbeling. Oooooooh I better shower my husband will be home soon.

present

Okay I'm here. I'm just still recovering from being scared shitless on chattys blog.

Not really. Okay I was almost scared enough to soil myself but that is besides the point. I was the lucky recipiant of a really high fever for a few days so I have been doing pretty much nothing. Today we finally got all our trees and bulbs in the ground. I will post tomorrow, just letting you know I hadn't fallen in a well or anything.

tagged....

I have been tagged by Lukossmom . It amazes me what excellent timing she has because today I had jack to write about.


1. What were you doing 10 years ago
Lets see, that would make me 18. So I was going to college, dating A (which we all know that turned out to be shit) and trying to kick that oh so annoying drug habit.
2. What were you doing 1 year ago
Hahahahahaha I was sitting in my room crying and screaming. I had given up on losing weight or having a baby. It was a bad bad bad day. The day before was great though.
3. 5 snacks you enjoy
Grapes, oranges, mmmmmm chocolate, nuts, trial mix
4. 5 songs you know the lyrics to
Theres a lot of them but I think the ones that stick out the most are Everlong (foofighters), Girlfriend in a coma (smiths), Island in the sun (weezer), Ramona (Sublime), and Purple rain (prince)
5. 5 bad habits
You mean I'm not perfect? Oh okay. Swearing way too much, being disorganized when it comes to anything paper, procrastinating, forgetting appointments, and eating too many sweets.
6. 5 things you like doing
Playing in the dirt, mailing postcards and letters, exercising, camping, and going on vacation
7. 5 things you would never buy, wear, or get again
I wouldn't have gotten my various body parts pierced, spandex, IUD, a honda, or a dell.
8. 5 favorite toys
My husband, computer, camera, bike, and board games.
9. 5 people to tag
I hate tagging people so I'll just tag Jennifer and let the rest of you tag yourselves. Oh my that almost sounded dirty...

Have a heart

Yes my dears that is my valentine to all of you. It's a rather funny holiday isn't it? It was totally made up by money hungry companies, but women being the emotional creatures we are eat it up. We are exchanging cards tomorrow, but are gifts will be here this weekend. What did we get each other? Not jewelry or handcuffs. We got trees. I got a white cherry, my husband an asian pear, and my son a fuji apple. I couldn't think of a greater gift then something I can eat until I die. No, it really is what I wanted. Just like last year for our anniversary I asked for and got tons of plants and bulbs for my garden. Weird I know, but its also great because every time I go outside and see my beautiful yard I am reminded of the two men I love the most.

When we bought this house the yard, like everything else was in horrible shape. After we got the plumbing to stop leaking and the plugs to stop spitting sparks at us I got the grand idea to plant a few flowers. It started out modestly enough with a few dahlias and some sunflower seeds. My husband officially knew I had a problem when he came home from work at 2 am and I was sitting outside with my seeds and dirt still going at it. In the last few years we have established a vegetable garden, planted some trees, and made some nice flower borders. But last summer I took on a bigger task and tore down the ugly ass shed that took up half of our yard. No our yard isn't small, its just that shed was in a horrible spot and half the size of our house. Now that it is gone we have visions of flowers and a flagstone deck area with a big brick bbq and oven. Why all this trouble? Its easy, we spend more time outside than we do in. But besides that I think it keeps me calm on the days that bills are due, things overflow, and kids staining my carpet.

So for us the trees are great and I can already picture myself teaching my grandkids how to pick the cherries at the point right before they get to sweet and start to fall off the tree. Or picture my nieces and nephews running around throwing apples at each other. Sure I love chocolate, but I can have that any day. Happy valentines day everyone!

Yesterday was an unusual day here in Oregon. The sun came out, the rain stopped and it was just beautiful. So I managed to crawl out of my feeling bad for myself pit and took my son to the park. I walked laps and he played with all the kids that had managed to break free for the afternoon too. While I was walking my laps I noticed a group of women. A large group. Not a lot of them, there were only four, but each one weighed at least 300 lbs. They were sitting on a bench eating. Why was that such a site for my eyes? Last summer that was me, and after seeing my son get teased because of me I swore it would never be me again. But what really pissed me off was the number of kids each one of these women had. Talk about a punch to the pre menstrual guts. Its amazing what can come so easily for some and is such a struggle for others. I finished me laps and jumped onto the jungle gym and played with my son. He will be the first to tell you he's glad mommy isn't so fat anymore ( you have to love the honesty of children) but he is also the one that ask me every week or so why we aren't having a baby yet. I always say mommy and daddy are trying, but we just have to wait our turn. I'm tired of waiting. Anyway, I'm done thinking about this crap until next month.

I also got a chance to do some garden work and have decided to build a new little flower area for my husbands mom in our back yard. It gives me a bit of a project to work on for the next month or so. I see a lot of yellows and whites happening. So now I think I'm going to brush my teeth and maybe my hair and head off to the garden center.

Pants on fire

Okay so I lied. Well I thought it would be easy but this month I seem to be coming up against a bit of frustration. It will work it self out with the help of some chocolate and wine.

Bowled over

Well everyone has finally stopped whining and appears to be healthy, which is good because my patience was starting to wear a little thin. Its a good thing I didn't bet on the superbowl because I would have lost. Big time. So what did fatty do today you ask? I took 5 teenage girls to the mall. Yes, it was as bad as it sounds. Whenever any of my neices has a birthday they all ask aunt fatty to round them up in my oh so cool minivan and take them to the mall so they can stare at boys and try on makeup. I have no problem with this at all. As a matter of fact I prefer it over spending time with my evil sisters in law anyday. My neices are all between 12 and 16 years old and very very VERY pretty. It seems like today every pervert that stalks asian teens was out today in full force. I thought we would be safer since it was the super bowl and I figured most creeps would be pre occupied. Wrong. The number of stalkers and creeps were mind blowing and they made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. Tomorrow I am asking all of their moms to either put them in self defense or have one of the men teach them how to fight there way out of a bad situation. I can see teenage guys staring or even starting conversations but when a man who looks 50 starts to follow young girls some bells go off in ones head.

Yesterday I ended up in that consumer hell known as walmart. Don't ask me how, but it happened. I don't understand why people just let their kids run around creating hell. Here's a tip for you who don't know. ...... if your kids can't behave don't bring them out into public....EVER. I don't want to be hit by them, yelled at by them, trip over them, or want to hear them screaming obscenities at you. I don't feel sorry for you, but I would like to smack you with something. My son went thru that stage and you know what I did? I kept his little ass home until he decided he got bored enough doing dishes with mom that he would behave. He knows that if he doesn't behave there are some serious consequences that will be dealt out, the first one being leaving whatever we are doing immediately. Control your damn kids or keep them home. Ahhhhhh that really makes me mad.

We went out for dinner tonight and had some mexican food. It was a nice way to wind down the weekend, and it was made even better by the shot of tequila. I don't think our mission to get knocked up was successful this month by the tell tale spotting going on and I have to admit that I am a little frustrated but not suprised. Its weird coming to terms with the fact that you are damaged, but each month it seems to get a little easier. Maybe its because I know we can adopt, or maybe its just because I'm tired of kicking myself in the ass every 30 days. I'm just happy I can live with it.

oh hell

What is white and screaming and feverish all over? If you guessed a six year old with a major ear infection and a 38 year old with a cold you would be absolutely right. It was funny because during my sickness I was expected to cook, clean, launder, and keep exercising. The two MEN of my life get sick and suddenly the world comes to a screeching halt. What is it that makes men such babies?

Poppers

I think my knee hates me. Since I started my journey of fitness it has steadily been getting worse. So I started running 3x a week and biking 2x and just doing whatever I feel like the other 2. Biking seems to be okay but after I run I notice that it sucks a lot. When I lookes up my pain and symptoms it said it was jumpers knee, but how can you get that running. Is my fat just simply too much for my knee? Now I know I promised to go have it looked at last month, but now I'm really ready. My fear is that they will tell me no more exercise. I"m not really ready to blow back up like a jelly fish at the moment so I keep putting it off. But I will call tomorrow and make an appointment.

Today I decided to break out of my usual routine and took my son up to Mt. Tabor so he could workout with me. Hiking up and down that damn place with intervals of jumping jacks and kicks was harder than I thought. It was slightly embarassing that my 6 year old excelled more than me, but still good to get outside. Since I started the rule of no tv and no video games during the school week I have seen an amazing difference in the way he acts at school and at home, but I have to be honest when I say that sometimes it is hell of a lot easier to let them have their way. Tonight about 6:30 I would have rather chewed my own leg off than play another game of shape sort. I was proud of myself when I pulled thru, but believe me in the back of my head I had visions of blues clues and relaxation.

So today being the total idiot I am I started the next rule of no candy or soda on school nights except special occasions. For some kids it is okay but I think if my son even smells a sprite he can't sleep until a few hours past his bed time. I decided to start making changes in his life when I started to turn mine around, but decided to do it slowly. He has done fabulous and I couldn't be happier.

I was thinking about love earlier. Not the kind of love I thought I had when I was younger and thought about marriage to the wrong guy, not the kind of love I thought I had when I got pregnant, and definetly not the kind I imagined in my head when I was young. I'm talking about the kind of love that catches you off gaurd. The kind you feel when you lay next to your husband and talk about plans for vacations or anything really. The kind you feel when you hold your kids hand and talk about the school day. I never ever thought I would be capable of such love. Its just hard to remember that everyday when alarms go off late, laundry gets forgotten, your husband has bad gas and doesn't warn you, or a you picasso decides to make the hall walls into his own personal art space. As much as I complain sometimes about trivial things don't be fooled. I am so blessed and I know it.

Big mouth strikes again

Well the fatty household is under the flu lockdown. I thought it was a cold but apparently it tis the flu. But the problem is I said no excuses right? So the last few days I have been heavin my big butt around the block in an attempt to exercise while I have the craps. I hate my big mouth sometimes.

Okay so today I am sick. Not sick of cleaning or anything like that. I have caught an actual cold. But that still can't bring me down. You want to know why? Oh, of course you do. I finished my taxes already. Signed, stamped and ready for the post office in the morning. I know this may not be a big accomplishment to some but considering I usually spend the 14th of april drinking and trying to finish my taxes I feel pretty damn proud of myself. Okay I'm going to take my snotty butt back to bed...

Excuses

Well well well, another week finished. I made it thru my son being ill, a horrid birthday party, and pre ovulation jitters. For anyone that is curious my hard headed little egg friend should be dropping at any moment but oddly enough something else is occupying more space in that bowl of pudding I call my brain.

Lately I have heard and seen a lot about fat acceptance. I agree that we should love ourselves unconditionally. I don't believe in deprevation or making yourself unhappy either. Yay for peace love and snicker bars. But then tonight I'm watching the learning channel and this program called Big as life: Obesity in America. The fact that the woman who was trying to justify why she wouldn't diet and had to love her probably 320lb was having such a hard time breathing it was louder than her voice really disturbed me. I get the fact that it is easier not to diet and exercise. But I don't get how you can say that is loving oneself. If you loved yourself wouldn't you want to take better care of you? Wouldn't you want to be able to climb a flight of stairs, or maybe get thru a day without back pain. Aren't you worth the effort? I'm not saying this because I'm no longer morbidly obese. I'm just saying that I never would have turned my life around if I wouldn't have finally figured out that I should put as much care into myself as I do my family and loved ones. I now know that I am worth that 45 minutes at the gym. I know that my body deserves more than fruit loops. I know I don't want to die of a heart attack before my son graduates high school. And its amazing because all of that came to me in a split second last summer. I don't make excuses anymore and that is why my pledge not to diet and deprive is working.

Okay besides all that rolling around in my brain I am proud to say that today I ran. Oh yeah baby. I just decided fuck it and went for it. We're talking 15 minutes straight of unabashed fat flapping full force running baby. It felt great too. Of course I continued running/walking intervals after that but that is besides the point. You know how long I could run when I started this. Not even a minute. And even that made me want to pass out. But for 15 minutes today I was a runnin fool. My husband has put out the idea of the family participating in the fun run this year. For those of you who aren't portlanders its a 5k right before the startlight parade. Everyone dresses in obsurd costumes and runs for the crowds gathering for the parade. I think it would be a good place to start because its in the evening and cool and it would be a lot of fun. I'm also happy my husband will be doing it with me. I have a few months to prepare and unless I hit that golden jackpot and get knocked up there is nothing that can stop me. No excuses.

I can stop anytime...

I'm not sure if anyone remembers my christmas card bonanza, but like the crackhead that I am I have started mass mailings again. For the love of god I joined a postcard swap. It really is addictive. Pretty soon I will buying black market post cards in dark alleys from guys who wear little more than a coat. Oh yeah, its that good. But its an interesting thing when you recieve mail from accross the world. I could probably pay of the national debt from the amount of money I spend on stamps but I don't care. I like to get stuff in the mailbox besides bills and pizza coupons. And a postcard would have been a hell of a lot better than my jury summons too.

My computer has been acting like a dumbass and I am about three beeps from sending it flying out the window. Not sure how much damage a two and a half foot fall would do but I am willing to find out. In other addiction news I have something to report. I have not, I repeat NOT bought any ovulation test to pee on this month. I know, its amazing and I almost felt dirty passing them up. What will my infertile buddies think of me? Is this the beginning of the end? For anyone who doesn't know, trying to have a baby brings out this unnatural urge to pee on anything that remotely resembles a home test of any kind. Its a sickness that just overcomes you at some point. You have to know right then if you are fixing to ovulate. But right now it really doesn't matter. I know I ovulate, and we have lots of mating season sex so the rest of it is out of my hands. Will I be singing a different toon in a few weeks when my period shows up in a brilliant display of cramps and oozy red? Yep.

My son had to stay home from school today. He has been fighting a cold all week, but today the fever started so he had to stay. The funny thing was he didn't want to. Between hacks and sniffles he was crying that he would miss his friends and his crayons. He even splashed cold water on his face in an attempt to get to go. I am happy my little trouble maker loves school so much but it was really a little over dramatic (I wonder where he gets that from). So instead like a bad mom I have given in to his demands and let him take over the living room with blankets and pillows and of course, he gets to watch tv. Around here there is no tv or games on school days so spongebob made his day away from his friends and crayons not quite as sucky. I want a day of video games and cartoons and no chores. I think I'll go share a glass of juice with him...